My boyfriend (24M) and I (23F) have been dating for over a year. We’re pretty serious — he stays over at my apartment a few nights a week because his own place isn’t very comfortable. His parents live in another city and have never met me, but I always thought they were fine with us being together.
Lately, though, they’ve been pressuring him to “focus,” saying he’s wasting time with me, that he’s “always at that girl’s house.” It’s been stressing him out, even though he’s an adult and we both work hard.
So for his birthday, I planned a whole day — stuff he loves, just us. I knew if he told his parents he was with me, they’d blow up his phone and guilt him the whole time. I suggested he just… not mention it. Say he was busy with friends, or working — whatever would give him peace.
He agreed — but then told them anyway. As I predicted, they gave him hell. He got upset, then turned it on me. Said I made him lie, that I don’t understand how complicated things are with his family. He went off about how I don’t respect his bond with them, that I “ruined” his birthday by making it all about me.
I told him I was just trying to give him a good day — and honestly, that I think his parents are too involved in his life. He should be allowed to decide where he wants to sleep and who he spends time with.
Now we’re barely speaking, and I feel like the villain for trying to protect a day that was supposed to be about him.
AITA?
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My boyfriend (24M) and I (23F) have been dating for over a year. We’re pretty serious — he stays over at my apartment a few nights a week because his own place isn’t very comfortable. His parents live in another city and have never met me, but I always thought they were fine with us being together.
Lately, though, they’ve been pressuring him to “focus,” saying he’s wasting time with me, that he’s “always at that girl’s house.” It’s been stressing him out, even though he’s an adult and we both work hard.
So for his birthday, I planned a whole day — stuff he loves, just us. I knew if he told his parents he was with me, they’d blow up his phone and guilt him the whole time. I suggested he just… not mention it. Say he was busy with friends, or working — whatever would give him peace.
He agreed — but then told them anyway. As I predicted, they gave him hell. He got upset, then turned it on me. Said I made him lie, that I don’t understand how complicated things are with his family. He went off about how I don’t respect his bond with them, that I “ruined” his birthday by making it all about me.
I told him I was just trying to give him a good day — and honestly, that I think his parents are too involved in his life. He should be allowed to decide where he wants to sleep and who he spends time with.
Now we’re barely speaking, and I feel like the villain for trying to protect a day that was supposed to be about him.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my boyfriend to lie to his parents about spending his birthday with me so we could avoid conflict and have a peaceful day together. Later, when he got upset after they found out, I told him his parents were too interfering and that he should have more control over his own life.
(2) That might make me the asshole because I encouraged him to be dishonest to his family, and I criticized his parents and their relationship on a day that was supposed to be about him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. Your boyfriend needs to grow up and stand up to his parents, not lie and try to hide what he’s up to.
>He agreed — but then told them anyway…He got upset, then turned it on me. Said I made him lie…
You didn’t make him do anything. You gave him suggested it and he did it. His lack of accountability for that is ridiculous. Does he often do this – let other people tell him what do, then get mad when it backfires? From your post, it sounds like he lets his parents and you dictate his life (to be clear: not that you do dictate his life, but it seems like he thinks so by saying you “made him lie”).
Edit: Typos
NTA He is the only person responsible for his actions. That said, why are you trying so hard with someone who won’t stand up for you and your relationship? If this is how things are starting, they likely won’t end well.
NTA, but frankly, if he isn’t ready to cut the cord at 24 and live his own life without his parents looming over him, he probably isn’t ready to date seriously. You’ve had a year of this, where do you see this relationship going? Because if he hasn’t stood up to them at this point (and actually turns on you) that isn’t going to get any better if you get engaged, or married, or have kids.
I’m not saying “omg dump him”, but I do think this merits thought and discussion about what you actually want out of this relationship in the long term and what he envisions his life to be, especially in relation to his family. Good luck!
NTA, but take this as a warning sign before getting much further in this relationship. If you get more serious with each other and take it to the next level, this is going to be your life, playing tug of war with overbearing parents and a partner who takes their side in any argument.
Honey, tough love time. I would get out of this relationship if I were you. This stuff really seeps into every single crevice of a relationship, and poisons it. A guy like this is not going to grow up. He’s going to try to play both sides to keep you and his parents happy, and it will make you feel like you’re crazy. You’re young, and haven’t been in the relationship too long, you can still get out. NTA right now, but you will be too yourself long term if you let this to on
NTA.
I agree with others — if he isn’t able to tell them to stuff it over the relationship, do you expect him to stand up for you in another scenario? The fact he actually turned on you instead of being able to execute a simple white lie says a lot. And yes — he shouldn’t have to lie. He should just tell them to mind their own business on what he does with his birthday.
Unless he shows genuine signs of breaking free and/or apologizing about this scenario, I would guess your time is limited in this relationship — whether that’s on your terms or his parents.
NTA. But unless he comes around and realizes his parents are a problem in his life, this is going to become your problem the deeper you become involved with him. Two typical things are the parents try to blow up the relationship or they try to extend the same level of control to your life. From your post, they are trying to blow up your relationship because they perceive you a threat to their continuing control of his life.
The bad news is you won’t be able to make him realize that. You just saw the pushback an abused child gives when someone tells them that their parents are problematic. The things you heard – those are the things his parents use to manipulate him with. He’s just echoing their manipulation. He’s too close and no longer sees the abuse. You’re working against years and years of manipulation, control, and guilting.
Is he open to therapy? Sometimes an outside authority (therapist) works.
NTA
It honestly sounds like your BF is really struggling in his head with this dynamic of being with you and whatever relationship he has with his parents. I’m willing to bet they were like this when he was growing up, and he did everything he could to please them, but nothing worked. I think that you telling him his parents are too involved hit a nerve to him in that: he knows you’re right, but then the realization of that means he would need to try to stand up to his parents; and the thought of that scares him. I think that he reacted the way he did to you out of fear in that he’s made a big time revelation, and that it’s going to require some big conversations that he feels will just make a big mess of things.
I don’t think you’re the villian at all, if anything I think you did the most sensible thing (I’d say it would probably be better for your BF to just not check in period with his family). But I’d also talk to your BF about this, and I’d emphasis to just listen and try to be as empathetic as possible about the situation. Because I’m willing to bet there’s a LOT going on in his head right now that he’s too scared to say or do, and coming on soft might lower his guard enough for him to open up and tell you more information about this family dynamic and where his head is at.
It doesn’t sound like he has a relationship to offer you.
NTA. But I would rethink this relationship. If things go further between you, you will have his parents as I. Laws and a partner who will not stand up to them. This will lead to a lifetime of misery.
You do not want in-laws like this and a man who won’t grow up. I suggest you move on and find someone else.
Aw girl. NTA. Even without his reaction- if you feel the need to have to ask your partner to lie about being with you, that should already be a red flag enough. Find yourself someone who wants to show you off, not lie about you.
He’s a big boy (or should be). He lets his parents talk about you as if you’re a millstone around his neck. He would rather lie than confront his parents. And when he lies, he quickly fesses up, and the gf bashing continues.
Don’t suggest he lies so he can have a peaceful day. Gently, you are taking care of him, helping him avoid his parents’ disappointment. But here’s the thing: his parents’ disappointment is about YOU. You’re just giving parents another chance to bad mouth you while bf once again doesn’t defend you.
You can’t make him do anything. What you see is more than likely what you’ll get: a boy who is always going to put his family before you.
NTA
if he is unwilling to turn his phone off and not answer mom’s calls for a few hours even for a party, just break up.
Your bf is the problem, not his parents.
NTA
But, you really don’t want to let this relationship get any more serious or invest any more of your 20’s to it until he breaks from his parents.
I married the guy whose parents seemed okay, if a little controlling when they were in town or he went to see them. I’d only met them once, they seemed mostly fine.
We’ve been married almost 23 wonderful years, but the only true point of stress in our marriage is his parents (and I almost died several times, he was laid off for nearly 2 years, we’ve moved across the country twice, gone through IVF, etc…still,only his parents ever cause an argument). They tried to call off our wedding, were totally unsupportive when I was sick,demand visits and control his every action during those visits, gaslight him into extending their visits here, are verbally and emotionally abusive,etc. We’re only still married because we live far from them and I’m very very low contact and he’s low contact. But it took over a decade of pain to get here. And now they’re old and it’s a new shit show.
Unless your bf can see the issue for what it is – controlling and abusive – you will not have an easy future.
He’s already blaming you for their out of control behavior. And probably telling you they, “Only want what’s best for me.” Honey, they only want what’s best for him if it’s also what they want.
You’re young, so very young. Don’t tether yourself to a guy who can’t even take responsibility for decisions that make his parents unhappy. Encourage him to get therapy. Maybe buy him a copy of “Life Skills for Adult Children”. And GTFO. Go have fun with someone who lives independently of their parents. You’ll be so much happier in the end.
NTA. I feel like a break up is warranted. He acted like a complete child. I feel like because of the severity of the reaction… he isn’t ready to cut the cord and stand up for himself to his parents.
Stop. Think. He turned it around on you! It’s your fault! Do you really want to pursue or continue a relationship with a 24. Y o person who won’t cut the apron strings
Life will be nothing but disappointments, arguments with you ring the bad guy if you stay with him. Put your big girl panties on and deep six this relationship.