Me(28f) and my boyfriend N(27m) have been in a serious relationship for 7 months and have been discussing about marriage in the next 2 yrs or so. I told him upfront that I didn’t want kids and he didn’t have a problem with that. I’m from India where its common to live with parents all our life and the woman typically moves in with the husband’s family. He kind of assumed I would do that too and has been saying how me and his mother have many things in common and would get along easily. Its sweet but I am not a social person and I don’t get along too well even with my family. I’m afraid I’ll feel uncomfortable living with his family and would have to suck it up for the rest of my life. I’m also not someone who would want to force someone to leave their old parents alone. So I suggested if we could move in somewhere between both our homes so it would be easy for both of us to support our family. Our homes are 30mins apart. He refused and his logic was that I don’t have to support my parents as much as he does as I have a little brother(17m) and he’s an only child. He can’t live separately. He also said he agreed to my demand of not having kids so i should agree on this. To tell the truth I feel really hurt. I didn’t think this would be an issue. I thought he would say “Don’t worry we can stay wherever you feel comfortable because I love you”. If he had said that chances are I would have agreed to live with in laws even if I didn’t want to. I would have done that if I knew he would move out if I said so. Just knowing that would be comfort enough. But instead we are in a full blown argument now. He says he can’t leave me or his parents. He isn’t even trying to come to an alternate solution that suits both of us.
So am I the asshole for asking him to move out after marriage and have our own place?
P.S. feel free to ask for more information.
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Me(28f) and my boyfriend N(27m) have been in a serious relationship for 7 months and have been discussing about marriage in the next 2 yrs or so. I told him upfront that I didn’t want kids and he didn’t have a problem with that. I’m from India where its common to live with parents all our life and the woman typically moves in with the husband’s family. He kind of assumed I would do that too and has been saying how me and his mother have many things in common and would get along easily. Its sweet but I am not a social person and I don’t get along too well even with my family. I’m afraid I’ll feel uncomfortable living with his family and would have to suck it up for the rest of my life. I’m also not someone who would want to force someone to leave their old parents alone. So I suggested if we could move in somewhere between both our homes so it would be easy for both of us to support our family. Our homes are 30mins apart. He refused and his logic was that I don’t have to support my parents as much as he does as I have a little brother(17m) and he’s an only child. He can’t live separately. He also said he agreed to my demand of not having kids so i should agree on this. To tell the truth I feel really hurt. I didn’t think this would be an issue. I thought he would say “Don’t worry we can stay wherever you feel comfortable because I love you”. If he had said that chances are I would have agreed to live with in laws even if I didn’t want to. I would have done that if I knew he would move out if I said so. Just knowing that would be comfort enough. But instead we are in a full blown argument now. He says he can’t leave me or his parents. He isn’t even trying to come to an alternate solution that suits both of us.
So am I the asshole for asking him to move out after marriage and have our own place?
P.S. feel free to ask for more information.
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> Am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend that I can’t live with my inlaws after marriage?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
this is a fundamental disagreement. if you marry, it will be a source of friction forever. maybe meet them before deciding a final answer?
NAH, but you should break up now because this obviously won’t work. Living with the in-laws and not living with the in-laws are mutually exclusive choices.
NAH He wants to live with his parents and he wants kids (that’s why it’s a sacrifice for him). You don’t want kids and you don’t want to live with his parents. Obviously you two aren’t compatible. Better to find out at 7 months instead of years later.
NAH
It’s good to know these things in the early months.
You’re not compatible.
Let him go, and find someone with a bit more modern ideas.
Nah, you two are incompatible
YTA. Not because you must live with his parents, that’s the conflict you’re having but it isn’t what matters. He thought you’d maintain a cultural expectation, you don’t want to, I don’t care, though I would say just assuming someone would break with cultural expectations is silly. But because of this:
> I thought he would say “Don’t worry we can stay wherever you feel comfortable because I love you”.
If he loves you he’d just live where you want? So your unwillingness to live where he wants means you don’t love him right?
>I am not a social person and I don’t get along too well even with my family. I’m afraid I’ll feel uncomfortable living with his family and would have to suck it up for the rest of my life.
>
>If he had said that chances are I would have agreed to live with in laws even if I didn’t want to
These two statements contradict each other.
YTA
“He also said he agreed to my demand of not having kids”
This doesn’t sound like you both are on the same page – more tit for tat. Maybe you should both consider whether this relationship is right for both of you – it’s only been 7mos.
NAH.
YTA, I think that your framing that you would do it if he said he would abandon (in his mind) his parents for you is weird. It’s playing games and setting secret rules to things, neither of which are healthy in relationships. You’re putting your (reasonably new) relationship on the scales against a lifetime of ingrained cultural duty and getting upset at the results.
It’s absolutely fine not to want to live with his parents. Even if it’s a cultural norm, doesn’t mean you have to abide by it. But if you aren’t communicating honestly I don’t see how the relationship will work out.
NTA- you know if you moved in with his parents that it wouldn’t be long before you would be pressured to have a baby. I honestly don’t think it will work out. As the only child you KNOW they will want a grandchild. Think long and hard about this. Love isn’t going to change things. You will end up hearing that he thought you would change your mind about a baby…..
I don’t even read this whole thing. NTA for not wanting to live with ANYONE after marriage. You should be starting your lives together on your own.
Nah. You aren’t compatible. Find a new partner.
NAH. You’re not compatible, you aren’t the right partners for each other.
You are both Indian, he is their only child, and you don’t want kids? Aren’t your in-laws going to hate that? And then he wants you to live with them? Yikes.
I don’t think you are the A, but you are going up against a lot of your country’s social norms, which is going to make relationships there challenging. Not saying you are wrong, or should change anything.
NTA. Seems ridiculous to me for him to say he’s agreed to not having kids, so you should be ok with living with his parents. Apples and oranges. It seems to me like he might end up changing his mind. Be advised that if you do live with his parents, they will always come first and I wouldn’t be surprised if you started getting pressure to have a baby not just from your in-laws but your fiance as well.
If that sits well with you, go for it. It seems like you both want different things and maybe aren’t compatible for marriage or at the very least, need to think this through a lot more.
NTA. He’s not the one. Incompatible. This will end in misery for most likely you. Set both of you free to find the right person.
Nta
For not wanting to live with his parents
Yta for expecting him to have the same beliefs and wants as you.
You are not compatible. He wants kids and you don’t. He is willing to use that to manipulate you into what is more important to him. His parents.
You don’t want to live with parents and take care of them. But said you probably would have if he agreed to go against his beliefs for you. That he would move if you wanted. Because you know if he said yes and you moved in you would change your mind. And then would use the same manipulation he is using to get him to move.
In no way is this a healthy relationship. You both expect the other to give up on wants and beliefs important to you to show your love. That is not how a relationship works.
So you both are AH and should split now because there is no middle ground on this where one person does not end up hating the other.
Please don’t move in with them. Just don’t.
What about a duplex? You could have your space and he would literally be in the next room?
ESH.
“I thought he would say ‘Don’t worry we can stay wherever you feel comfortable because I love you’.” You’re TA for this. You can’t expect him to do whatever you want because he loves you. He’s allowed to have wants, too.
He’s TA for trying to manipulate you into caving in to his wants because he agreed to your desire to not have kids. Both wants are important ones that can be deal breakers.
You’re incompatible and should break up.
YTA for putting him in this weird relationship test. YTA for demanding everything of him and expecting to sacrifice nothing of your own. You are clearly not compatible and if what you expect differs this significantly from your cultural norms you should be upfront about this in your future endeavors.
“Don’t worry we can stay wherever you feel comfortable because I love you”. You can say that too you know.
Break up now. He’s manipulating you already and you’re not even engaged yet.
NTA breakup now. Consider it a win you found out sooner than later.
NTA, just not compatible.
NTA this is your time to bail and find someone more compatible with how you want to live your life. You can’t fit a square peg in a round hole no matter how much you try.
ESH, General expectations/wants should have been discussed long before a discussion on marriage. Your discussion on marriage lead to a discussion on expectations, however, now you are both invested in the relationship. It’s still better to find out now that you aren’t compatible than to find out in two years. You both should move on because neither of you is ever going to be fully satisfied in this situation and that just creates resentment. Also, it sounds like he does want kids, he just conceded to not having them because you didn’t want them. He will resent you eventually for this as well or is hoping you change your mind or hoping you all have an accident. In this situation there aren’t compromises that will satisfy both of you so you both will end up unhappy.
NTA. Break up. This will not resolve itself. One of you will end up resenting the hell out of the other.
He agreed to your “demand of not having kids”, so you have to agree to whatever he demands? Firstly, it wasn’t a demand, its what you want for your life. Does he want kids but “agreed” not to have them to placate you, or does he actually not want kids? Because if he does want them, this is gonna be a huge problem in the future. If he doesn’t want them, he doesn’t get to blackmail you into doing whatever he wants because he agreed to not have kids. He seems very manipulative, and he doesnt respect your autonomy. He wants you to do what he wants, not compromise so you can both be happy. I think you are incompatible.
This after 7 months? Kick this one to the curb. I don’t care where you’re from or the customs there. You will NEVER have a life that is your own. Move on and find someone that cares about you and your feelings.
NTA. Don’t marry this guy.
Don’t marry him. The two of you are not on the same page about what you want out of life. What you want for yourself is fine, but you aren’t going to find it with this man. Seven months is not long, especially when you are young. Break it off.
NTA, I don’t think he’s the right lifelong mate for you. He’s used the child-free thing against you already. Maybe that was a one-sided decision, but he said he was ok with that. Living with his parents is also a one-sided decision, but you’re not ok with it. I think you’re just not compatible longterm.
It’s not going to work out. I am like you as well I love my in laws but am not sociable and need space I would be miserable living with her all the time so I can understand. Your intented might say he’s ok with no kids but his mother won’t be and if you go to live with her she’ll have something to say about it. He will be asking for a baby very soon after the marriage with mum in his ear. This gentleman sounds like he wants to stick with tradition whereas you do not and both of those are fine but you don’t sound compatible
NTA. OP he said not having kids was a demand you made. Meaning he wants them but he was fine so long as he could use it as negotiation leverage. Sorry, but no. If you don’t want kids, you need a partner that doesn’t or a partner that is genuinely fine with or without.
That should be a major red flag that he’s using that against you. 15 mins away from parents that can still be functional is fine. What kind of aid does he provide them? I’d sit down with him and make a list of all he needs to do for them and break down what can or can’t be done from 15 mins away.
You’re only 7 months in. If you can’t compromise at this point there isn’t any reason to move forward in the relationship. On one hand, it’s super early to discuss marriage. On the other hand, you might just have saved yourself time.
My suggestion: if he agrees like he did about not having kids, I’d seriously vet his sincerity. He might just be saying okay and then secretly believes you’ll change your mind. He has already proven his sincerity on the children was false since he is acting like you made a demand he yielded to. I’d be suspicious of how true to his word he really is.
This is not about compromise. This is a deal breaker for you.
You don’t want children. You don’t want to live with another family. If you move in, how long before they collectively badger you for the kids.
This doesn’t have a resolution. Part ways. NTA
I am so glad to see an Indian issue posted in global sub. This gives no bullshit answer to you. If you post the same in Indians only sub, it is the same usual emotional drama. I wish more people will follow suit.
NTA. Neither of you are, you’re just incompatible. Luckily, you discovered it at this stage. He’ll marry a woman who can live with his family and have kids. You’ll find someone who wants to be childless and live independently of his family.
As if his Indian parents would have absolutely no problem at all with the choice of their only son to not have kids and there would be no daily pressure from them to have grandkids.
You are fundamentally incompatible. You should cut your losses now.
Eight months is still in the getting to figure out if you are compatible stage. You may not be. You aren’t engaged yet. Don’t do so until you two agree on key things.
Is he really ok not having kids? His statement of I gave in on that so you can give in on this has me wondering if he really does want kids. Living with his parents will put pressure on both of you to have kids. He knows this. If not, he’s dense. It’s making me wonder if he’s hoping that there will be an accidental pregnancy or that you will change your minds. You need to find out what his stance on kids are without your opinion being involved. Like if you didn’t care either way, would he want them or not care either way either? I know plenty of if it happens great, if it doesn’t, great types. They see the benefits of both sides and are happy with either life. If he is not one of those and wants kids and only agreed to make you happy, there will be resentment.
So you have to revisit that to see if you are dealing with one or two very different wants for your future. If you cannot come to an agreement that won’t cause issues in the long run, it’s time to admit that you are not compatible. If you can, then you faced your first major hurdle and are fine.
One compromise could be live in between but be willing to move in with them in case of something like illness or old age. Where they would really need their son home.
Move on
It’s ONLY been 7 months, move on girl!