So I (35f) having been living with my partner (35m) for 3 years. I moved states for this man after we reconnected years after initially meeting at my best friend’s college. I have always had a consistent job since graduating from college but this past fall I was laid off. My partner makes a good amount of money (enough to support us) but we no longer can go on dates and trips the way we used to due to this tough job market – 1,700 applications out and I still haven’t gotten a job.
Fast forward to this June, he MENTIONS that one of his friends from college would be interested in renting our basement – we have a two level house and only use the top floor. I said “let me meet her and then we can visit and see if it’s a good fit.” I guess to him that meant “yes” bc next thing I knew she had a UHaul packed and was moving in. Little did I know her lease was up July 1st and she had fallen out with her family so there was “no time” for a visit. Mind you, this is my partner’s old friend from college who he had absolutely hooked up with, and who seems to cause chaos wherever she goes.
So now this girl is living downstairs, has completely changed everything and is taking up a lot of our “together” time. He says he needs her here to help him pay the bills/give us extra money so WE can do things together on weekends.
Meanwhile I’m feeling my relationship weakening as the days go by…she has every “family” dinner with us, has gone shopping with my partner, and refers to him as her best friend (“my best friend begged me to move into his basement” was the caption on an IG reel) and I’m so over it.
I’m trying to get a job but I have a chronic illness and am working on my mental health (which has taken a major setback with this.) In angry moments he’ll say “I’ll just tell her to leave” knowing I’m too nice to kick someone out who has moved from states away.
AITA for wanting this girl out of my house?
EDIT: yall SHEESH. The girl has a man she’s seeing seriously. I understand this could be sensationalized but damn.
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So I (35f) having been living with my partner (35m) for 3 years. I moved states for this man after we reconnected years after initially meeting at my best friend’s college. I have always had a consistent job since graduating from college but this past fall I was laid off. My partner makes a good amount of money (enough to support us) but we no longer can go on dates and trips the way we used to due to this tough job market – 1,700 applications out and I still haven’t gotten a job.
Fast forward to this June, he MENTIONS that one of his friends from college would be interested in renting our basement – we have a two level house and only use the top floor. I said “let me meet her and then we can visit and see if it’s a good fit.” I guess to him that meant “yes” bc next thing I knew she had a UHaul packed and was moving in. Little did I know her lease was up July 1st and she had fallen out with her family so there was “no time” for a visit. Mind you, this is my partner’s old friend from college who he had absolutely hooked up with, and who seems to cause chaos wherever she goes.
So now this girl is living downstairs, has completely changed everything and is taking up a lot of our “together” time. He says he needs her here to help him pay the bills/give us extra money so WE can do things together on weekends.
Meanwhile I’m feeling my relationship weakening as the days go by…she has every “family” dinner with us, has gone shopping with my partner, and refers to him as her best friend (“my best friend begged me to move into his basement” was the caption on an IG reel) and I’m so over it.
I’m trying to get a job but I have a chronic illness and am working on my mental health (which has taken a major setback with this.) In angry moments he’ll say “I’ll just tell her to leave” knowing I’m too nice to kick someone out who has moved from states away.
AITA for wanting this girl out of my house?
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> Am I justified in wanting to kick her out or should I suck it up and let her stay even though I might lose my relationship
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWBTA if you stay with this man, who has clearly prioritized someone else over you.
NTA. Get a guy best friend and move him in. Preferably one you’ve hooked up with.
Have you tried talking to your bf about this situation?
NTA
There is no way I would ever move a previous sexual partner into my home while in a relationship with someone else.
Her behavior is also telling. She obviously is not over him and is pushing you out of the picture.
Either she goes or you need to.
NTA. He moved her in unilaterally without giving you a say. That alone is a red flag and a massive sign of disrespect. He is weaponizing your kindness against you.
She’s inserted herself into your lives beyond just being a tenant.
She’s probably angling to replace you and, unless he’s just oblivious, clearly has an ulterior motive.
Maybe he wants you to be the one to end things so he can paint you as the bad guy and play victim.
If your gut is telling you your replacement is already living under the same roof with you, you’re probably not wrong.
Your relationship is over. You just haven’t realized it yet.
NTA in that what your bf did is terrible, and I’d be very concerned about being in a relationship with someone who would treat you that way.
But you do have to make a decision. “In angry moments he’ll say “I’ll just tell her to leave” knowing I’m too nice to kick someone out who has moved from states away.”
If you’re not going to do anything — either say, “yes, tell her to leave” or leave yourself — there’s not much good complaining is going to do.
I realize you leaving would be extremely difficult under your current circumstances. So you probably need to call his bluff and tell him to tell her to leave. She didn’t move states away because YOU asked her to. So forget about being “too nice.” Any inconvenience for her is on your husband.
The more important issue, though, is your bf’s complete disregard for your rights and feelings. You say he’s “making it [your] choice” but it IS half your choice! And should have been from the beginning. If he does tell her to leave and tells her he’s doing it because or you, that doesn’t make you the bad guy, that makes him an AH, which, we actually know he already is. If you’re more concerned about how you’ll look than how you’re being treated, there’s a real issue there, for you.
NTA
Your boyfriend should be prioritizing you and your mental health.
Need extra income via a renter? Cool. Interview some randoms or mutual friends. There are a plethora of other options.
Something like this deserves way more discussion.
Sorry but yes YTA 3 years you’ve been living in his house with no job in sight.
Ever think maybe he needs to rent out the basement seeing as you aren’t contributing and are going on about not getting enough trips and dates anymore!
YTA. This woman hasn’t really done much of anything, you think she’s doing “something”, but you don’t really give any evidence of that. This isn’t your husband, it isn’t your house, and you’ve contributed zero for about a year. You don’t get to dictate how he gets his bills paid.
You say you’re struggling with your mental health and the way you phrase all this screams projection. You’re lacking confidence in a situation that’s understandably frustrating you even more. Talk to your boyfriend honestly, because nothing you’ve said sounds particularly scandalous on their part.
NTA
He did not ask, he basically gave you a heads up and you had zero say in this. Nobody in their right mind would want their partners previous FWB living with them. You know exactly what she is doing and he’s allowing it.
I would be rethinking this whole relationship
Hooo boy. Really? You must have a very kind heart. You have every right to want this person out of your house.
NTA.
You need to have a conversation with your SO. You need to talk about expectations, boundaries… I mean, it might be worth it to say, “I am feeling unsettled in my own home. We are not able to have quality bonding time for our relationship because she is not maintaining a separate boundary like a tenant and landlord, but instead her behavior is like a backup girlfriend. Is she your backup girlfriend?”
If he’s getting comfortable with the idea of wife +1… you need to nip that in the bud. Emotional infidelity starts somewhere.
So are you ONLY looking for a 6 figure job or are you looking at ALL jobs. Because there are food delivery, fast food, grocery stores, farmers fields that need tending, waitress jobs, etc…8 months seems awfully long to be “looking” for a job.
NTA
But for now, don’t focus on him or her. Focus on your mental health and getting another job. Get yourself grounded, and then you can decide whether this relationship is actually worth fighting for or not.
asking if its okay to help a friend in need who fell out with her family is one thing, lying about it and her moving in instantly AND with that ig reel caption is something completely different… i dont even have anyone ive had a past with on social media let alone inviting them to live with me and my partner???? honestly you cant make someone be the version of themselves that you see in him.
NTA.
Your partner doesn’t respect you at all. That’s your real problem.
You can evict her, but you’ll still be left with a man who’s more than happy to ignore your desires and discomfort if it means he can get what he wants. He’ll also hide information until it’s too late for you to object, probably to avoid having to talk about your problems with it or to force you to “make a scene” if you react appropriately.
For context, how do you know that they hooked up? Did he tell you personally that they hooked up, or did you just have a gut feeling about it?
I think the reason why your boyfriend asks you if he should kick her out multiple times, is because he doesn’t want to after being nice about letting her stay. He basically needs your approval to kick her out.
It seems you both need a lot to talk about more in terms of open communication. You also need to talk to his friend too, with three of you present. Express your discomfort and how it feels in your position, try to get your partner’s perspective and how he truly feels about it all.
NTA
But this isnt going to end well.
You already know this.
He has already shown his feelings and her feelings are more important than yours. He definitely was talking to her beforehand for this to have arisen at all,.if she has never been to your house before she wouldnt even know you had a basement, much less know you have a basement that isnt being used. He should not have committed to her that she could move in until you had agreed to it. Doesnt matter about the timing of when her lease was up. You are not only partners you live in the same house . He should have cleared this with you as a person hes sharing a house with even if you werent his partner.
If you want your relationship with him to continue you need to have some serious conversation with him and agree on how to move forward. If i were in your position i would tell him she has 30 days to move out because you never agreed to her moving in and you are uncomfortable with her living there, that it doesnt feel like your home anymore.
If he balks or refuses or discounts your feelings, you are already in last place on his priorities because he prioritizes his and his best friends wants over yours. This may be the only question you need to ask. I wouldnt want to keep living with someone who doesn’t value me and our relationship to take my thoughts and feelings into consideration.
If he agrees for her to move out on 30 days which is unlikely, then you should tell him you dont want her to join for every meal, that you never agreed to that,.you dont enjoy it and you dont want it to continue.
Then wait for his response. If he doesn’t immediately respond, dont fill the silence just keep waiting.
I dont think it is in your best interest to stay with someone who moves in an ex.gf that he obviously has been talking to, into the basement of the home he shares with you, without any agreement.
Best friends of the opposite sex? Yeah every last story I’ve read in here is a complete nightmare. No thanks.
ESH- if you haven’t been about to find a job in almost a year, you need to be taking any job you can get, and you should probably have a professional review your resume. Are you tailoring it to specific jobs? Attending networking events? Reaching out to contacts on LinkedIn?
It’s his home and he has valid financial concerns.
But clearly moving in a problematic ex isn’t going to help your relationship
Girl, they f’n. Move on.
If you knew she was drama and that they hooked up in the past why even waste time with the statement “let’s have a meeting”, just say no! If you didn’t know about her prior then I definitely agree with wanting to meet her first but I think it was just a terrible idea to even entertain her moving in if you already had thoughts about her.
Tell boyfriend he needs to give her a 30 day, you didn’t agree to her moving in. You agreed to a meeting and because you didn’t get to meet her prior the way she behaves isn’t working for you. Example :not having any alone time with partner, her going grocery shopping with him, making posts such as your boyfriend “begged” her to move in. Although given his want for her to be there, I wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t lying. But that’s even more reason for her to gtfo.
Or just trash the man all together. I’m sure you can find someone better who actually respects you.
NTA
Its a weird situation. Id start with telling him that the relationship needs to be more basement apt tenant vs houseguest.
Right now its in guest mode with her up in your area and sharing meals. That needs to end, at least on a daily basis.
Both sets of occupants need their privacy. If its not already done the basement needs its own kitchen. Something basic can be done easily and fairly fast.
If it doesn’t have some type of sink – even a bar sink, they aren’t too expensive to add if you id a wall that already has plumbing cuz it is shared with the bathroom. Basic sink in a basic counter. You can find both used easily in salvage places etc. You can also often find used stoves, fridges etc. People buy new and haul away perfectly good old ones.
Hopefully he will be amenable to changing the vibe from college house share to 2 separate apts in a single bldg who go days without seeing each other.
This might ease the tensions and give you 2 your life back, and encourage her to go out and build a new one vs clinging to the person she knows for security.
Maybe remind the boyfriend that she deserves her privacy as well and control over her own meals just like you.
NTA -I would’ve moved back home if my bf tried something like that! Especially her comment about him begging her to move in? Absolutely not, he’s more than happy with her there I’m sure. I
*edited to include judgement
Sorry girl. Its a clear sign hes no longer interested and not only the grass is greener on the other side, he brought the grass home.
It’s just a matter of time before you will be in the basement and she will be in the bedroom with your boyfriend. They both have it already planned. You are the only person who doesn’t know what’s going on. Sorry but you are now the side chick.
Boundaries. If you have family, go to them. He doesn’t respect you, he moved his ex (he hooked up with her) in and it’s only a matter of time before you become redundant.
NTA – You can tell him that either she goes or you do, but I’m afraid it would be you. Make sure you have a plan B.
This is a dealbreaker . I hope he is your ex boyfriend
NTA – your living space, especially your previously partner-exclusive home, is a very personal space. Renting to someone you don’t see a lot is one thing, but move in someone that then lives with you in your space and participates in things you traditionally did only with your SO is another. It changes the whole dynamic of the relationship and also your life. It is very reasonable to expect and demand very clear consent and expectations before letting someone else live with you like this.
I am curious, not to judge or anything, but just for advice. Do you have a hard time with confrontation? I am curious if you have every explicitly and unambiguously told your partner you are not okay with this. I only ask because if you have, then this is unambiguously bad, and I agree rises to existential territory over your relationship. Even if you haven’t told him extremely clearly, it is a big red flag since this is something that a partner needs to get 100% enthusiastic unambiguous consent about before doing, especially for a previous “lover.” Sometimes people don’t know better because they are just inexperienced with how to be in a relationship and may just want to be a good friend. It is also possible your partner is also having a hard time putting his foot down and saying, “No.” You need to figure out what is going on and make sure your feelings are 100% unambigiously communicated. You and your partner need to get 100% on the same page about what each other is okay with and what the expectations are, especially how long this person will live with you guys and clearly outlined boundaries. It is okay to expect and demand this. I would go as far as saying you need to get this because without this, whether you want to or not, it will slowly kill your relationship with your partner, if only from the resentment it will cause you to feel, but there is also a real risk it undermines proper connection between you and your partner. As it stands, this is caustic to your relationship with your partner and needs to be dealt with ASAP regardless of what outcome you choose or want.