AITA for getting mad at my boyfriend because his parents wouldn’t let him sleep over, even though we’re both adults?
So my (21M) boyfriend (also 21M) and I have been together for over 2 years. He still lives with his parents when he’s not at school, and they’re very overprotective… like, he has to ask permission to go places or sleep over anywhere. He says it’s just “boundaries,” but to me it feels like straight up control.
For example, my friend is sleeping over this weekend, and I wanted my boyfriend to stay the night too. His mom said no, again, with the reasoning that “if you already have a house, you shouldn’t sleep at someone else’s.” I got really upset and finally told him I’m tired of our relationship constantly being dictated by his parents. We’ve had to rush back from trips because they don’t like him being out late. I still haven’t even met them and we’ve been dating for 2 years. and whenever they call, I have to be quiet like I don’t exist.
He says I’m not respecting their boundaries and that this is “just a difference in opinion.” He even tried comparing it to my parents telling me to get a job, as if that’s the same thing. I told him it’s not about one sleepover, it’s about a pattern of always choosing his comfort and their approval over me. He said I’m making it too black and white and that I “don’t know the full picture.”
Now I’m wondering… was I being unreasonable? Was I being too harsh or disrespectful by calling it control?
AITA?
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AITA for getting mad at my boyfriend because his parents wouldn’t let him sleep over, even though we’re both adults?
So my (21M) boyfriend (also 21M) and I have been together for over 2 years. He still lives with his parents when he’s not at school, and they’re very overprotective… like, he has to ask permission to go places or sleep over anywhere. He says it’s just “boundaries,” but to me it feels like straight up control.
For example, my friend is sleeping over this weekend, and I wanted my boyfriend to stay the night too. His mom said no, again, with the reasoning that “if you already have a house, you shouldn’t sleep at someone else’s.” I got really upset and finally told him I’m tired of our relationship constantly being dictated by his parents. We’ve had to rush back from trips because they don’t like him being out late. I still haven’t even met them and we’ve been dating for 2 years. and whenever they call, I have to be quiet like I don’t exist.
He says I’m not respecting their boundaries and that this is “just a difference in opinion.” He even tried comparing it to my parents telling me to get a job, as if that’s the same thing. I told him it’s not about one sleepover, it’s about a pattern of always choosing his comfort and their approval over me. He said I’m making it too black and white and that I “don’t know the full picture.”
Now I’m wondering… was I being unreasonable? Was I being too harsh or disrespectful by calling it control?
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was confronting my boyfriend and telling him I’m tired of how his parents keep affecting our relationship. I told him I felt like he chooses their comfort over me and that it’s hurting me. I might be the asshole because I got really blunt and emotional, and I brought up past things like not meeting his parents and being silenced when they call. He thinks I’m being disrespectful to them and unfair to him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
He lives with them. I guess you’ll have to wait to have a real relationship until he’s on his own.
However, if you haven’t even met his parents, after two years, I’d see that as a pretty serious red flag.
NAH, his parents do get to have rules when he lives with them, and I can understand why you don’t like those rules.
NTA.
His relationship with his parents isn’t healthy. Who knows what’s going on there, but it isn’t on you to fix and you should question if you really went to wait around until his mother decides its okay for him to stay at yours.
Personally, I’d be out. He’s not ready to see how unhealthy it is. Maybe in a couple of boyfriends time when they all cite the same reason for leaving, he’ll start to reach an understanding. But you’re far too young to be wasting time on that.
NTA. He is an adult and he has a say in his choices. It definitely is a boundaries thing, but not the way he’s painting it. This is a lack of boundaries on HIS oart regarding his parents. This all seems sketchy, tbh. Do his parents know you two are dating? Why would you have to be quiet during calls? And why have you not met them? To be honest, it sounds like you’re his secret and that’s why he doesn’t work on any boundaries with them.
after two years, you haven’t met his parents? and you “don’t know the full picture.” ? and he’s hiding you from them?
That alone makes me say: it’s not a relationship worth salvaging
NTA, btw
NTA.
At this point their parents aren’t even just being over protective. They’re being manipulative as well as be controlling. You’re both 21, both under the law as adults.
These parents aren’t trying to just control their son, it’s almost as if they want to sabotage your relationship?
I’m sorry if that sounds over the top. But parents who control bed times, times out with friends. Not allowing sleepovers, is something strange and not normal or ordinary at all. It also seems like they want to minimize the amount of time that he interacts with you.
NTA youre not unreasonable for wanting your ADULT boyfriend to be present for you. Some people will say hes not doing anything wrong living by their rules, but even if that case you need to ask yourself if this level of involvement from them is something you want to deal with.
But for me the biggest red flag is two years of dating and you havent met them. Are you two super long distance? Has he never invited you over? Are we sure its “parents” that are the problem? Are you some dirty secret?!?!?
Mmmmthats not a relationship.
NTA. A boundary only dictates the behavior of the person setting the boundary. “If you say mean things to me, I will leave the room.” Trying to dictate someone else’s behavior is not a boundary, it’s control. And what his parents are doing is controlling. Two things can be true at the same time. He can live under their roof and be beholden to their rules and they can be controlling. I’d recommend you start setting boundaries and sticking to them. “If you can’t respect my time and feelings, I will stop making plans with you.”
You’re NTA he is. Keeping your relationship a secret.
NTA.
Your boyfriend really needs to assert himself and set the famous “limits” in his family. After all, he is already 21 years old.
I should also say, if your boyfriend won’t talk to his parents about this, and actually set boundaries, I think you should consider breaking up.
I don’t normally suggest this, because here we only see the problems presented and not the good moments. But, that said, I believe it only gets worse over time and you did the right thing.
Also, I thought it was strange that your boyfriend was hiding you from his family. You can’t talk freely when they call, and you don’t know them personally. I think there’s more to this story.
You’re NTA, but if he won’t make a change then you’re wasting your time.
NTA. Yikes I had a strict mom growing up but it was only until I was 18. Seems like quite an unhealthy and controlling relationship with his parents. Unfortunately he does still live under their roof so if he wants his freedom.. he would have to move out.
NTA, this will follow through in your marriage etc., this man has been with helicopter parents his entire life and doesn’t know how to make decisions on his own or with approval.
A grown adult shouldn’t have to ask permission to spend the night somewhere else or travel etc. The problem is he lives with his parents and they could be threatening his housing if he disobeys. He seems to be fine with this. I would put forth that he isn’t mature enough or ready to be a partner. You can find plenty of men who don’t have to ask their mommy for a sleep over. Consider getting out before it is 10 years and he is having to ask mommy if he can copulate with you now to make a baby and that she has to watch to make sure he is doing it right.
Bro I met my girl parents the first month of dating.. dude doesn’t want them to know he is gay or just doesn’t like you that much to bat for you just end it and move on
Your BF is the issue, not his parents.
There is nothing wrong in informing his parents where he will be as he is living at home, but the no sleep over is ridiculous. Also, why arent you working at your age?
NTA, you’re being reasonable, and you’re not being harsh enough. It’s not a difference in opinion, it’s just straight up ridiculous. Honestly, you just need to dump him and tell him that you only want to date functional adults from now on, which he is not.
NTA
Your parents are telling you to do something to grow your independence. His parents are doing their best to keep him as a child.
He’s not fully a man yet. He hasn’t cut ties yet with his parents. Maybe better to call it quits. Or you might try making yourself visible to the parents and see what happens.
NTA. Huge red flag that they’ve taught him this is what “boundaries” means. “Boundaries” are things you apply to YOURSELF, not things you apply to someone ELSE.
“I will not host your girlfriend at my house overnight” is a boundary.
“You may not spend the night at your girlfriend’s house” is a rule. And this rule serves no purpose except controlling him.
NTA, you spoke clearly of how you feel and if he’s not okay with it he’s definitely a problem too.
NTA.
That said, you need to look at what you’re doing to yourself. Like you said, you’re an adult. You are choosing to be with someone who is happy to be controlled by his parents.
This is not a situation where parents are simply providing advice (as most friends and family members do) or where crazy parents are threatening to kick someone out and stop paying his tuition if he won’t do as they ask. Your boyfriend is very happy to let them make his decisions for him.
He has told you you’re not respecting his parents’ boundaries. That = saying that they (not you) set the boundaries in your relationship. You said it better than I could when you said: “I told him it’s not about one sleepover, it’s about a pattern of always choosing his comfort and their approval over me.”
You know what reality is because you are living in it. Don’t let his excuses confuse you.
NTA It is time for an honest talk with him-2 years and you haven’t met his parents is a huge red flag. Is he even out to them? Do they know about your romance? Or is he deeply closeted out of fear they will go NC, cut him off financially? It is fair for you to ask him about his long term plans for your relationship, his parents and his life. It is fair for him to protect himself and his future by staying closeted until he finishes school and gets a full time job to support himself. And if that is what he needs to do, then it is fair for him to ask you to forgo summer sleepovers. It is also fair for you to decide you are ready for a completely uncloseted partner. Time for a calm honest talk so you can each decide how you want to move forward.
My guess, he knows his parents are homophobic, he is hiding his relationship with you, if he has a sleepover they will pressure him to bring his gf to meet them. He’s not a bad person, just a young scared financially dependent gay kid in a tough spot.
ESH. You clearly do not want the same relationship but neither of you will break up. It’s stupid to keep arguing about the same issue. He is happy with the way things are and has been very clear that he will not be changing anything. You have made it clear you are not happy with the way things are and you need a partner who is allowed to be out past sundown. You harassing and resenting him, and him shutting you down instead of just accepting that this is not the right relationship for either of you is crappy on both sides.
Do you really want to do this the rest of your life? If he can’t stand up for himself at 22yo, it is unlikely to get better. Major red flags here! Move along and date an adult.
You haven’t met them in your entire relationship?
Do they know he’s gay?
NTA
There is a difference between boundaries and control.
Boundaries are about things that affect you personally in your own environment. Control is about things that don’t directly impact you in your own space.
“Don’t make out with your boyfriend on my couch in front of me” is a boundary.
“Don’t sleep at your boyfriend’s house” is control.
At the age of 21, you boyfriend frankly needs to start standing up for himself. His parents are treating him like a child and he is behaving like one by allowing it.
Rushing out from trips because they don’t like him being out late? Sorry, but he is years too old for that.
I have to ask this. Are they just super coddling him, or is there an element of homophobia from his parents?
Is it his parents. Or is it his WIFE.
NTA, they are controlling him but he is probably used to it by this point so he has no spine to say no. It’s time to rethink the relationship because you will have to be dealing with this the whole time you are with him. Is this what you want to be dealing with later in life?
Consider the value of your fiancee moving out of his parent’s home for a year before marriage. That breaks a habit, sets him up to learn how to cook, shop, be by himself, have you visit, do his own laundry, shop, and become independent.
This will also tell you quite a lot about the kind of partner he intends to be. Right now it isn’t looking good. If you marry him before he learns how to exist apart from his parents. It will be much worse
You likely don’t know the entire picture.
There may be reasons they are like that, and your bf hasn’t told you yet.
After 2 years, though, he should be more willing to be more open with you .
It seems your values and boundaries are very different, regardless of the reasons. And his reasons are valid for him. People are different.
It may be time to move on.
So first – NTA. Your boyfriend’s parents sound controlling af, and some parts stick out to me as an out queer person.
>“if you already have a house, you shouldn’t sleep at someone else’s.”
Are his parents familiar with how sleepovers work? Has he never gone to one in his 21 years?
>We’ve had to rush back from trips because they don’t like him being out late.
Super controlling behavior. So, question – has he spent many nights with you? At all? Just, like, sleeping somewhere?
>and whenever they call, I have to be quiet like I don’t exist.
That’s a red flag. Do they know you two are dating? Do they know hes’ gay? Because it sure doesnt’ sound like it especially in light of….
>still haven’t even met them and we’ve been dating for 2 years.
At all? not once?
>He said I’m making it too black and white and that I “don’t know the full picture.”
Babes, it sounds like your boyfriend is not out, or hasn’t told his parents your dating. Maybe I’m wrong, but then it’s just as concerning that he’s allowing his parents to dictate aspects of his social life at 21. He’s an adult, he can do what he like.
NTA, just break up if he can’t act like an adult
NTA. I think you’re being naive though. Have you actually heard his mom tell him no? Are you sure he’s revealed you’re his [bf] and not just a coworker?
2 years together with a guy that lives with his parents and wants you to be super respectful of their boundaries… and you haven’t met his parents? Guys like that are often the ones involving family on first dates.
I’m inclined to believe he’s not just keeping you a secret from them, but there’s likely something he’s keeping from you too.
Is there any cultural context behind his reasoning? I am only asking because in my culture of origin, parents take it to mean if you introduce someone to them, or you sleep over at someone’s house, you are getting married. I met my SO’s parents after years of dating and we were pretty much married off within months of that. So we had mutually decided to tell/meet each other’s parent only once we are ready for marriage. There’s also a chance that his parents are homophobic but trying to act “cool” about it. Either way you are NTA but your boyfriend could go either way depending on the context.
NTA. Holy crap, your boyfriend needs to cut the apron strings.
NTA… its never going to work out, dump him and end it now to spare everyones feelings
NTA but it sounds like your boyfriend either isn’t actually out to his parents, or they’re not accepting. 2 years and they haven’t met you? You have to be quiet so they don’t hear you in the background? My dude those people do not know you exist. I think you need to focus on finding out why and then determine if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Clearly he is not willing to put you first in this situation, does that apply to everywhere? Idk. This sounds like a miserable way to spend the rest of your life
NTA. There needs to be a serious conversation. One of the biggest flags is they don’t know you exist. Sounds like you are part of a boundary. Do they know he’s gay?
If it’s been two years and you’ve never met them, he makes you be quiet on the phone and won’t make efforts to come stay with you while he’s staying with them, well, it sounds like either they don’t know about you or they don’t exist. It sounds like he hasn’t told them about you. Are you sure they know he likes boys? Are you sure it’s his parents saying this? Are you sure it isn’t his spouse or significant other he’s concerned with? Could he be living with another man? Could you be the side piece?
NTA. Everything here is wrong. Your guy has some serious explaining to do.
If none of my above worries are correct and it’s just controlling parents, is this how you want to live your life? Always second to a spineless mama’s boy?
Info: is your BF out to his parents?
NTA
You are definitely NTA, but please know that this dynamic will never change unless your boyfriend severs the umbilical cord and stops deferring to mommy.
And I mean that. It won’t stop when he graduates school. It won’t stop when he moves out. This woman will be hanging over your lives until she dies.
Take a good, long think about that when considering the trajectory of your relationship.
Good luck!
He is spineless and you and your relationship are not as important as mommy and daddy. They want continued control. This is not a relationship that will make you feel happy and secure. Move on
NTA–gads, what a mama’s boy!