My boyfriend (23M) and I (22F) have been together for almost 3 years, know eachother for over 7 years. We’ve been talking about living together for well over a year. I currently live alone in my own place, and he still lives with his family.
Originally, we planned to move in last year, but he said it wasn’t possible because he was still paying off a large loan for his car. Most of his paycheck goes toward that repayment. At the time, I was already a bit upset, but I understood and agreed to wait until the loan was done.
Earlier this year, he told me that by next spring the car loan would be fully paid off and then we could finally start looking for a place to rent together. We both agreed this would be the next step in our relationship.
Last week, he told me that once the loan is paid off, he now wants to save up to buy a motorcycle. That would push moving in together back again, with no clear new timeline. I told him I was upset because we had already delayed this once for the car loan, and now that it’s almost done, he’s choosing another big purchase instead.
He says I’m being unsupportive and impatient, and that he still wants to live together “eventually.” I feel like I’ve been waiting for years, and every time we get close, something else becomes his priority.
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My boyfriend (23M) and I (22F) have been together for almost 3 years, know eachother for over 7years. We’ve been talking about living together for well over a year. I currently live alone in my own place, and he still lives with his family.
Originally, we planned to move in last year, but he said it wasn’t possible because he was still paying off a large loan for his car. Most of his paycheck goes toward that repayment. At the time, I was already a bit upset, but I understood and agreed to wait until the loan was done.
Earlier this year, he told me that by next spring the car loan would be fully paid off and then we could finally start looking for a place to rent together. We both agreed this would be the next step in our relationship.
Last week, he told me that once the loan is paid off, he now wants to save up to buy a motorcycle. That would push moving in together back again, with no clear new timeline. I told him I was upset because we had already delayed this once for the car loan, and now that it’s almost done, he’s choosing another big purchase instead.
He says I’m being unsupportive and impatient, and that he still wants to live together “eventually.” I feel like I’ve been waiting for years, and every time we get close, something else becomes his priority.
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NTA, honestly that would be the end of it for me.
OP, he does not want to move in with you. He will delay it until it’s convenient for him. Eventually can be a year the same as 10 years.
It sounds like he is not yet ready or mature enough for this step in your relationship but also unable to tell you that in a straight up conversation.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We had a conflict between us, I told him that I would break up with him if he didn’t explain it to me, because I don’t think everything has priority over me and that I really don’t enjoy waiting for something that might never come. I mean isnt it rude?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Either:
He doesn’t want to move in with you and is using the buying of large purchases to delay it.
He wants to move in with you but has poor financial literacy and wants shiny things instead of a home with you (unless you’re going to finance it for him).
Neither of these options seem to make him very attractive.
He’s been dangling “moving in” like a carrot for years, and every time you’re close, he buys a new excuse.
First the car, now the motorcycle — next it’ll be a jet ski or a drone.
This isn’t bad timing, it’s a man who doesn’t want to share a lease.
You’re NTA, but you are wasting prime years on his layaway commitment plan.
He doesn’t want to move in with you. Even if it’s a not yet, he’s waited two years (by the time the car is paid off) and then wants to wait more. Stop letting him waste your time and live for your best self because he’s clearly choosing his best time
If he wanted to move in with you, he would. He’s making everything else a higher priority because you aren’t one. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but it’s the truth. You’re doing it all on your own. You don’t need him! NTA. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Just look in a different direction!
He’s not ready and has got other priorities. You say you feel like you gave been waiting for years. You both want something different. You want the man and the house, he wants freedom. You have different goals. You’re not compatible.
For whatever reason, he’s not ready to make that commitment. It’s now time for you to decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. If he stays at your place at all, limited him to one night a week. If he’s not helping you pay for your place, he doesn’t get to stay whenever he wants. Start living your life for you instead of for your relationship. I know you probably don’t want to hear it but, you’re still young. This is your only adult relationship and it’s okay to see where it’s going since “the next step” is not something he is ready for.
NTA.
He doesn’t prioritize you. He puts materialistic wants over your future together.
Also, if he can’t handle a car payment and half of rent, he either purchased a car that is well above his means (poor financial literacy) or he has a job that doesn’t pay well which makes his desire for expensive toys even worse. Either way, that is going to pose significant challenges to any future together.
Find someone better.
As soon as you live with him you will become his slave. He will expect you to do dinner or pick up for him and no matter who you ask, it’s never split 50:50. Don’t move in without a ring.
Free sex, free servant. There is no going backwards and you don’t win from living with him. He has gone from his mum doing everything to you doing it. Find out what his mum does, how does he contribute at home. That’s 100% an eg of what will happen when you move in.
You have different goals and priorities than he does. He’s not sure, which is why he’s dragging his feet. Moving in with him is not going to be the situation you envision if he feels forced into it. He’ll become resentful. Don’t do that to yourself. You deserve someone who wants to be there without you having to ask repeatedly.
NTA he doesn’t manage his finances responsively.
He’s exhibiting boy behavior. A grown ass man would not prioritize a motorcycle over moving in and starting an adult life with his girlfriend if he truly cared. Let him stay with mommy and daddy since he’s still got growing up to do.
NTA. Umm I don’t think he wants to move in with you and just gives you a reason to look forward to and put you off his back.
Talk to him seriously about this once and for all maybe.
NTA. hotel mama is very convenient for him and his priorities lie elsewhere, clearly. you’re right to be upset and question his choices, because he’s wasting your time. the time you spend waiting for the next step in your relationship. the time you may spend waiting for every other steps like marriage, travelling together, having kids and building a future together as well. I wonder if he’d delay that as well as soon as it comes into the picture.
Well, it just goes to show you where his priorities lie. Living together might be a bad idea
NTA
I wasn’t there so I don’t know exactly what was said but it seems like you made your feelings and your priorities clear and his response was immature.
At this point it is very important to understand that relationships are a two-way street. If you do not feel that your goals are aligned then you have to decide if this is what you want. Relationships are a balance of compromise and boundaries and you need to be 100% on what your deal breakers are and DO NOT compromise just to “save” the relationship it NEVER helps.
If you feel that your last conversation about it was too heated you could try to have a more civilized conversation using “I feel” statements to figure out why he changed his mind as it could be numerous things.
Etc.
All things considered, you are much too young to settle. While his reason may have a deeper meaning, you should be prepared to end it if you do not feel that your wishes are not respected or if your relationship goals are not in sync
He isn’t ready he still needs to grow up and mature a bit more. His priorities are still very boy like, and as women, we mature so much earlier than men do. It’s a pity he hasn’t got the balls to tell you the truth and be honest with you . I don’t think he wants to lose you however he still wants his boys toys. You need ti decide if he is worth waiting for once he grows up a bit.
He’s not ready to live with someone and is just too chicken to say so. He still wants to spend his money on toys while he lives with mommy and daddy.
Either wait for him to grow up, or break it off and find someone who already is.
NTA- in fact you probably should run.
NTA you were both extremely young when you got together and you are still too young to settle down in my opinion. Just enjoy your life as it is. I can understand his wish for something he might not be able to afford when he has to pay rent and has commitments.
NAH At the risk of offering a very unpopular opinion, you guys are very young. Even though you knew each other for 7 years, it sounds like you probably started dating as teens. Your early 20s are typically your “figuring stuff out” years. I think you are probably more mature than he is and are looking to settle down and he still has some growing to do.
My totally unsolicited advice to you, OP, is not to try and push for commitment from someone who clearly wants freedom (a motorbike is a pretty obvious signal – it typically has space for just one person yearning for solo adventures). He also has been living with his parents so far, which probably means he is going to be a challenge to live with – at least in the short term, unless his folks have given him a level of responsibility and chores.
That’s why I am say NAH because I don’t think he is an AH yet either. He would be if he married you or started a family with you before he was ready to put away his toys. At this age, I would encourage you both to experience the world a bit and if you end up growing at the same pace and want the same things, then by all means seal the deal.
Imagine if you move in together now and fall pregnant. I imagine you would end up shouldering the kind of responsibility that breeds resentment.
With his financial skills, I would run for the hills, never mind the othet horrible stuff.
NTA. Why would he give up his rent free lifestyle and no bills to become an adult and help you with your bills when he can use his extra money he will have once his car payment is over and get a fun vehicle /s
Your boyfriend is not ready to grow up but I’m pretty sure if he not paying bills with his family. He definitely not ready to start paying bills now. Most vehicle loans are between 36-60 months so that’s about 5 more years. He will be 28 and he might be ready to move in together. At that point you will been dating too long to be wasting years of your life with this guy.
He doesn’t want to move in together any time soon. It’s up to you if you are willing to wait around and see if he changes his mind, but he has other priorities. You are both very young and so it’s understandable, but it’s not fair for him to keep stringing you along. NAH. You two aren’t compatible
NTA – You are not wrong to confront him about his choice of buying a motorcycle instead of sticking to his promise to you. But I suggest you don’t brow beat him about it because if you do get your way, he will be resentful about it, and that’s not the point is it? The real issue here is that you want to move forward in your relationship and he does not. The truth here is that he is still playing at being Peter Pan and is not putting your relationship first and he may never do it after 3 yrs. It may be time to sit down calmly and reassess in your own worth, if this is the relationship that will last forever or not. If you don’t see him changing his ways any time soon, it might be time to cut your losses and not waste any more time