I (32F) have two sons with my ex-husband. We share custody, and he came by recently to pick them up from my house. My current boyfriend (we’ve been together a little over a year) lives with me and my kids. When my ex arrived, I asked my boyfriend to come out and just acknowledge him not to be friends, not to have a full conversation, just to show respect as another adult in the house who’s around my kids. BF and Ex- Husband have met several times before and shared conversation.
I asked him twice, and he flat-out refused. Later, I asked why, and he just shrugged and said, “I didn’t feel like it.” That set me off … hot like fish grease ….because how do you live in a house with a woman and her kids, but feel no responsibility to at least show minimal respect when the kids’ father comes to pick them up?
We ended up in a huge argument. He turned it around on me, saying I have more respect for my ex than I do for him, and completely dismissed the point I was trying to make. I told him his character doesn’t align with the things he always talks about like respect, responsibility, and being an example. I pointed out how often I support him, especially with his kids and his ex-wife, yet when it comes to me asking for something, he either deflects or blames me.
Eventually I told him he could leave as his character does not reflect the words he preaches, and he said he’d stay the night and go home in the morning. I said nope — you can leave tonight. He packed his stuff, I drove him to his place, and that was that.
Now some mutual friends are saying I overreacted and was overly emotional, that I “blew up” over something small, and should have handled it differently. But I’m tired of explaining why respect especially around co-parenting matters.
So… AITA for kicking my boyfriend out over this?
Comments
NTA. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and not letting him take advantage of you.
NTA – Sounds like the problem is solved. It’s your life, and you have kids you are setting an example for. You’ve done a good job.
NTA. And it’s not something small. Your children deserve to have someone in their life who respects them, which means respecting their father as well.
It was a small request. You didn’t ask that they become best friends, but common courtesy goes a long way when co-parenting.
ESH, especially him. He should know that dating a single parent usually comes with the father of children. It’s best to avoid single parents, unless you also have kids and possess an immense multitude of tolerance over the fathers/mothers.
As for you, you should only speak to your ex about your kids, and only about the kids. Nothing more. Once the kids are grown, abandon the ex. There’s no need to be friends. You broke up for a reason.
NTA. He needs to grow up. Of course, his friends are saying you’re wrong. They aren’t your friends. They support him, not you. Asking for respect is not hard. He can’t even say, “Hello.” That’s rude and childish. Sounds like he is all talk. It’s about him, what’s good for him, what’s convenient.
You need a man, not a boy pretending. You can do better. My ex-husband and current husband ger along great. They respect each other. My current husband gets along better with my ex than I do. Keep yourself busy, you’ll run across Mr. Right when you least expect it.
Yta. It also sounds like you still have feelings for your ex. Your current BF has no obligation to like or speak to your ex husband if he doesn’t want to. He’s dating you not your ex.
He packed his stuff and you drove him to his place, lol, good riddance to him 🎉
I was initially with you, from the topic, but then I read that they’ve already met, several times in the past. Why would you feel the need to force him (or your ex, for that matter) into further interactions? If it happens it happens… but I guess I just don’t understand forcing it. That’s probably not ever going to be a comfortable situation, unless they just happen to share common interest and enjoy talking with each other.
NTA. In fact, you showed your kids that disrespect especially toward family dynamics has consequences. That’s a parenting win.
NTA. Your boyfriend has jealousy issues and respect issues. He’s not just disrespecting your ex, he’s disrespecting you and your kids. Drop his ass and find someone who isn’t a whiney baby.
NTA, but I’m going to take it from a different direction. The friends that are saying that you “blew up” over something small, have you ever complained to them about anything else regarding him?
To me, reading between the lines, with no other context than what you provided here, what you’re really saying is that this one little thing is what broke the camels back. You start out describing the one incident that broke the two of you up, but before that you say that he completely dismissed the point you were trying to make? How often has he disregarded your feelings and ignored your requests for basic things from him? My guess is, a lot. You say that you pointed out how often you support him, but yet you’re saying that he doesn’t support you. How often has he failed you when you needed something? How often has he just failed to be there when you needed him to be, emotionally or physically? My guess is, this isn’t the first time. You say that you asked for something small and he deflects and blames you. How often does he gaslight you for other things? My guess, more often than you even realized until this exact point when he made a mountain out of a mole hill and you realized that this was your breaking point.
Was it something small to get into a fight and break up over, probably. Was it small in the overall scheme of your relationship when you start adding everything together, most likely not. You did what you felt was right and I’d also go out on a limb to say, deep down, you’ve been waiting for that one thing that you could use as an excuse to break up with him. I think you knew it was coming sooner rather than later and you just needed the out. That is kind of asshole-y, but if you knew he wouldn’t take the confrontation well, unless he felt “wronged” or whatever gaslighting he was using, then you did what you had to do.
NTA. Good for kicking him out the same night, and not waiting for him to talk you out of it by morning. Stick to your guns and remember to look at the whole picture when he tries to come crawling back and makes you feel (or your dumbass mutual friends) makes you feel like maybe you made the decision on a whim. The overall picture is what should be important and not just the few hours that became the break up. Good luck and keep watching out for your kids. They do deserve a role model better than the one that ex bf was giving and you deserve to be treated better than him too.
NTA
From a guy’s perspective, he’s a dick. And he would only create problems eventually.
Sorts goes with the territory of dating a single parent that you’ll have to be civil to their ex sometimes. Even if it was a bad break up.
Be the bigger person, for the kids.
Not that you are in the wrong, but i would say you may be the AH here
If they had never met, understandable. But I dont he needs to chat him up every single time. That’s weird
Also confusing … If he has his own place, why do you say he lives with you?
So your boyfriend didn’t want to come to the living room and talk to someone he didn’t know very well, and you blew up at him and called that a matter of disrespect?
YTA. I don’t know why you have it in your head that respecting someone means always going to see them, no matter how you feel. “You wanted a little alone time? Too bad, be social or gtfo.”
NTA. You were trying to get him to act like a civilized adult, something he is obviously incapable of doing.
NTA. If he can’t move past his insecurities regarding your ex-husband, when the two of you have at least a civil relationship, then it’s just not going to work out. He clearly lacks the maturity necessary to be in a positive romantic relationship with you.
I’m confused. You said that he lives with you, but then said that you drove him to HIS place. Also, he has no car?
No you are NTAH. This is all common sense. You addressed the issue and received a response, seems pretty clear. Carry on.
I’m a little torn on this based on the fact that you said they have met and had conversations before. Why does he have to get up and acknowledge him every time? Can he be tired or not feel like socializing?
And then I think of it from your exes pov. He’s met your current boyfriend, had conversations etc. but every time he comes to get his kids this guy is all up in the exchange. Maybe it’s not that deep. They’ll say hi when it’s natural
Esh
OP: NTA, and do not stay with this guy. YTA to yourself if you do
OP’s boyfriend: an absolutely abusive and controlling AH 😡😡😡
Mutual friends: AHs as well. They have to mind their own business 😡😡😡😡😡
YTA, you can’t force anyone to talk to anyone, you over reacted just like your friends told you and now you are looking for reassurance of your actions from random strangers, your friends probably know both side of this story
NTA. It’s hard enough to co-parent with an ex, but adding a disrespectful current with that is a NO. I give what I get. If my ex isn’t coming for you, then don’t come for them.
No. Basic respect should be given. He did not do that.
You are not TAH.
As a (now-adult) child of multiple divorces, I know first hand how the interactions of bio-parents and step-parents affects a child. If another man is living in their home with their mother, the children need to see the civil and polite exchange of greetings when the bio-dad comes by. This modeling of mature behavior helps to make the child feel safe; it shows them that they don’t have to hide their positive feelings for any parent in front of the others; and helps to alleviate any guilt feelings a child may have about the divorce and/or about wanting to spend time with the parent who lives someplace else.
It is a huge thing to be released from dad to stepdad (and vice versa) and hear the releasing man say “Have fun!” as you walk away.
Idk. My partner and I live together. I do not interact with his ex wife when she comes to get the kids. And my partner doesn’t interact with my ex husband when he comes to get our kids either. There is really no need, as they have met already. I also do not interact with my ex husband’s gf. And I’m sure she lives there. Or is there most of the time at least. I’ve met her already. No need to talk.
Nah ur good, he’s a little boy & needs to pull his head in & grow TF up !!
Guys – this is why you don’t date women with children. Just hit and run
Tbh boyfriends and children that aren’t theirs shouldn’t live together.
NTA.
As harsh as some may feel it was, what matters is you showed your kids that decency & respect are important.
Coparent successfully with my kids dad and I would have some issues if my current partner couldn’t take two minutes to say hello.
YTA
That kids father is your business not his. The only time he should be involved is if HE chooses or if that ex of yours disrespects you. You don’t get to decide for a man who he shows even basic respect to.
You got it up in your head that you have control over that man. Gettin pissy because he didn’t do as you say or do what you want like he’s your damn slave.
GTFOHWTBS, woman. You are DEFINITELY the asshole.
It may seem small, but it sounds like the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I don’t understand the need for him to come out and acknowledge your ex. Why? Why was it so important to you? Show minimal respect to your ex?? What? You said they have already had conversations. He didn’t want to on this day. So what? When I stop in somewhere, I don’t expect the whole house to stop what they are doing and come out to greet me. When I have friends stop over, I don’t expect my wife to drop whatever she is doing and make small talk.
So you pushed the issue into a fight. You took a simple disagreement and turned it into a breakup. You went from 0 to 100 in nothing flat. There are days I don’t feel like talking to people so I don’t. Most comments here are backing you, but I think YTA and by kicking him out, he dodged the bullet. It sounds like he had issues with your relationship with your ex which you dismissed. Keep looking, you’ll find someone to match your energy.
WTF is Fish grease?
Absolutely not, and thank you for standing up for yourself and being the proper example to your kids. You’re absolutely right, he doesn’t have to be his friend- but he should be cordial considering both your kids are around him. Good job 👍
I applaud you for checking down on that shit immediately.
NTA
Uhhhh, I think you might be TA. Your (ex) BF owes only respect to you and your kids. If he doesn’t want a friendship or acquaintanceship with your kids’ father, he’s entitled to that. Should he start trouble? Absolutely not. Is he required to play nice? Not really, he can pretend like the man doesn’t exist, truly.
He was the BF, not the step father. He is not the co-parent, YOU are. BF owes nothing to ex-husband. I don’t see what the big deal is if he wants to mind his own business while you are handling pickup/drop off. In all honesty, it’s not his place to interfere.
If you were married, it might be a little different, but he still would not be a co-parent. You are the parent, and co-parent to your ex.
So you need to act civil around his ex and kids but there’s no reciprocation towards your situation, he’s not the one you should be with, kick his ass to the curb, seems like things will just get worst as time goes on. Go back to not living together if that don’t help, get to steppin NTA
NTA. I think maybe it’s excessive if you expect your partner to greet your ex EVERY time, but certainly they need to interact on a base level for the children.
He sounds like the type of guy to demand respect but it suddenly becomes a double standard when it’s time to give it. I don’t humor folks that preach respect but fail to be self-aware enough about giving it back.
I’m glad you sent him home. You shouldn’t have to ask for respect from him, he should actively be trying to give it to you and your children (which means having a cordial relationship with your ex). It’s a good time to reconsider what he brings to the relationship and what he is teaching the children with his behavior.
>My current boyfriend (we’ve been together a little over a year) lives with me and my kids.
vs
>he said he’d stay the night and go home in the morning. I said nope — you can leave tonight. He packed his stuff, I drove him to his place, and that was that.
How would he “go home” to “his place” if he lives with you? The premise of your story makes no sense by the details you gave.
That’s not something small. He displayed a pattern of disrespect. This was just the latest action in the pattern.
So he was in a different area of the house and didn’t come say hi to the kids dad? Is that all that actually happened? I’m not sure I’m understanding the outrage. I don’t go and say hi to everyone that comes to my house to talk to my bf. Eveyone is saying you’re not TA so I must be missing something. All I read is your ex came to pick up the kids and you told your bf to come say hi and he didn’t because he didn’t feel like it. I’m just not understating why he needs to drop everything to talk to your ex. If he refused to say goodbye to the kids I’d understand.