My fiancé and I have been together for almost 9 years, he proposed to me July 2024 and we immediately knew we were going to set our date sometime in June 2026. We let Family know ahead of time, and we finally secured a venue this past April for an official date. My brother proposed to his girlfriend, about two weeks ago, on the same exact day that my fiancé proposed to me a year before. I just received a call from his fiancé to tell me that they have set a date for April 2026 seven weeks before our wedding. I was taken back and kind of shocked and didn’t really know what to say to her in the moment, because she also asked me to be her bridesmaid. I did call my mom to express how upset I was and to see if maybe I was overreacting. I found out from my mom that she and the rest of my siblings and family were told this this past week, and they were also very concerned and frustrated as a finances and time are hard enough already. My brother then called me to see how I felt about it, which I told him that I was hurt. I said I would obviously support and be there the best I can, but obviously I wanted to and should be prioritizing my own wedding as me and my fiancé have been planning it for over a year now. He seemed to get upset with me that I was hurt that they set the date on this date, and essentially told me that if I could be there or not be there that’s fine. To which that’s the same thing, his fiancé told me too. I am just hurt that this is even happening, I wanna be a part of everything with their wedding, meaning I want to be able to give my entire attention and space to him because I am happy about this marriage, but that’s just how it is and unfortunately, I know this is going to cause a lot of stress for other family members. Am I the asshole for being upset about this?
UPDATE: kind of shocked I need to elaborate more than I thought I needed to, but absolutely my mistake for thinking the Internet would not be so brutal. For some extra context, these weddings will be occurring in separate states. It will require a good deal of traveling for family. I am not upset as a matter of the time, or even the event. I am super happy for them. I’m very excited. But I know the financial state for the majority of my family members, and this is going to be hard for them. Which is why me and my fiancé make sure we plan two years out, not just for our financial position but for others so they have plenty of time. And I know they’re going to be the people out there that say well it’s your wedding, It’s their wedding who cares about everybody else, and a part of that is absolutely correct. I just know that they will not be able to do both, I am certain of this. And it’s just unfortunate that it is a position like this. Not everybody has the finances or time to do too big events like that. I was not mean to my brother, I just expressed that it did make me upset in a way that I know how much this is going to be stressful for everybody else. I did tell him I will support whatever he decides to do and I will absolutely be there the best that I can. I don’t believe the world revolves around me, but I do have a big enough of an emotional capacity to understand and I do care about how this will affect my family.
Last update: for even further elaboration, we have specifically asked for zero gifts. We did say, if anybody is willing to contribute to a fund for future family planning then they can. Otherwise, we are requiring no gifts. It’s rather just the presence, including my brother’s presence and his fiancé
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My fiancé and I have been together for almost 9 years, he proposed to me July 2024 and we immediately knew we were going to set our date sometime in June 2026. We let Family know ahead of time, and we finally secured a venue this past April for an official date. My brother proposed to his girlfriend, about two weeks ago, on the same exact day that my fiancé proposed to me a year before. I just received a call from his fiancé to tell me that they have set a date for April 2026 seven weeks before our wedding. I was taken back and kind of shocked and didn’t really know what to say to her in the moment, because she also asked me to be her bridesmaid. I did call my mom to express how upset I was and to see if maybe I was overreacting. I found out from my mom that she and the rest of my siblings and family were told this this past week, and they were also very concerned and frustrated as a finances and time are hard enough already. My brother then called me to see how I felt about it, which I told him that I was hurt. I said I would obviously support and be there the best I can, but obviously I wanted to and should be prioritizing my own wedding as me and my fiancé have been planning it for over a year now. He seemed to get upset with me that I was hurt that they set the date on this date, and essentially told me that if I could be there or not be there that’s fine. To which that’s the same thing, his fiancé told me too. I am just hurt that this is even happening, I wanna be a part of their day and all of it and not have to choose between mine or theirs, but that’s just how it is and unfortunately, I know this is going to cause a lot of stress for other family members. Am I the asshole for being upset about this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother I was upset with him that he sent his wedding date seven weeks before my wedding date, but I have been planning for over a year and he is just starting to plan as of this past week. I’m asking to see why this makes me an asshole, because I’m not sure if this is even a big deal and if I’m making this only about myself and I’m being the asshole.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. It’s 7 weeks apart. What makes you think you have to choose between theirs or yours? It seems you may be stressed about the proximity- but remember the world does not revolve around you & they’re allowed to get married as they please.
INFO: Why would you have to choose between his and yours when its two months apart? Am I missing something?
YTA. You get a wedding day, not a wedding month or year. Your life event does not mean others have to put their own lives on hold or that they need your permission or approval to schedule events. If you can not spare 1 day from your wedding planning and prep to attend your Brother’s wedding then you are focused too much on your wedding day and not enough on the many many years that will (hopefully) follow the wedding.
Edit: You could certainly politely decline the bride’s maid role, because it sounds like you would be resentful and not have your heart in it anyway.
YTA. It’s their wedding, not yours. The world does not revolve around you.
My brother got engaged after me and married before me. I’m pretty sure I spurred the proposal. I was annoyed at first, but does it rally matter? 7 weeks is a big enough gap that there won’t family burn out or morney issues
I’m going to go with NAH. You feel the way you feel about it and it’s not wrong to be honest about them.
But your brother isn’t wrong either. There are almost two months between the weddings and you can’t realistically expect people to put their big events on hold for 23 months.
Your wedding day gets to be all about you. Not two months before as well.
Definately NTA. Your brother and his fiance are being so selfish. Do they not realize how expensive and stressful weddings are?? Forcing family to choose or pay for two big events back-to-back is just not cool. Your feelings are totaly valid and dont let them make you feel bad.
Why do you have to choose between yours and theirs? They’re 7 weeks apart, there’s no conflict. YTA.
YTA. 7 weeks is plenty of time in between. This isn’t about proximity…this is 100% about them planning to get married before you.
Plenty of people got married before you and plenty will after. You chose a date you want. Plan your day and enjoy your special moment. And stop worrying about what other people are doing for their wedding.
It’s 7 weeks apart—just about 2 months. Are you expecting the whole year or something? Yta
I’m confused, 7 weeks is plenty of time – your tone reads like it’s the same weekend. Without any further info gotta say YTA.
NTA. He asked, you answered.
Either he, and/or your future SIL, is trying to start shit, and they know it. That’s an incredibly rude thing to do. I could speculate on why* of it, but it doesn’t matter.
I left a comment yesterday in a slightly different circumstance that I think largely applies here, with tweaks:
Don’t let him pull you into shit you don’t want.
Don’t let him drag you into litigating this over and over again, or getting involved in convincing your parents, or arguing with his fiancee, or anything else like that. Don’t discuss it with him further at all. If he brings it up, tell him you have no interest in fighting– he knows how you feel and it’s up to him what to do with that information.
If he doesn’t realize that his actions impact his relationships with you and y’all’s parents– not just with his fiancee –that’s his problem. You just keep moving on with your life and relationships with the information you have.
(* The drama gremlin in me thinks: GF wants to steal your thunder, brother didn’t think it’d be a big deal, is now realizing what an obnoxious and thoughtless thing GF convinced him to do, and is annoyed but is unwilling to admit he messed up and/or was easily misled. BUT that’s based on next to nothin’, basically pure fanfiction, so don’t take me too seriously. I mean, I could also see him doing it for himself if he’s older and feels like he “should” be getting married before you. I don’t know any of y’all.)
NTA/ESH…. You’re NTA, because this is your wedding. Of course you’d want everyone to be ready for you wedding without or being an after thought to your own wedding that you’ve been waiting for.
ESH because with no other information, I’m curious why you brother proposed on the same date. People don’t really remember other people’s engagement date, so maybe it wasn’t in his mind at all. As for the date, it’s more than 6 months away, so you can’t just reserve the year while they just put their marriage on hold due to your date. I don’t think that was your intention for them to put their marriage on hold but you DO have to consider that.
Brother and his fiancé, knowing your date, since you told them in advance, should have considered your feelings more. They could have let you know why they were considering this date or just had a more thoughtful “we know it’s awkward to jump in drink if your wedding day” type of conversation with you.”
It sucks but I think you just have to continue planning your wedding and enjoy your bride era. Yes, you and brother share the same family but they will be fine going to a wedding twice. Just have better food and dessert because that’s what people remember 😂
Nta for feeling that way. Nobody owns the month or the year but it’s very selfish from your brother. There’s bound to be family who will have to choose between one or the other now because time off is always limited, money is limited etc. it’s idiotic of your brother and his fiancée to manoeuvre themselves into this position and cause a problem so needlessly.
YTA. You chose a date that worked for you, they chose a date that worked for them. You don’t own the calendar year, it’s not like they’re getting married the same day.
YTA it’s 7 weeks before yours and both weddings are year and change away. Get over yourself.
NAH
My cousin did this similarly to me. We are a close family and cousins grew up closer than some siblings. She got engaged 6 months after me and set her wedding within weeks of mine and had me in her bridal party. She was jealous of my dress and picked out a similarly styled one after making comments about wishing that she tried on my dress before I did. She even completely rewrote her vows after hearing mine and made hers much more like mine than her original ones were (which felt empty, generic, and copied from the internet).
I never said a thing or cared. My wedding was all I really cared about, because I was ecstatic for it. I still helped plan each of her bachelorette parties (yea, she wanted multiple). I also wrote a speech. And listened to her plan her details whenever she wanted. She wasn’t much involved in my wedding, but I didn’t ask or want her to be.
I get why you feel upset. It genuinely makes sense. It’s weird that he proposed on the same date and planned the wedding shortly before yours. For siblings, that is a financial burden on the nuclear family. But make your wedding the focus of your emotions and your conversations, because that’s where it should be. That’s where mine was and my husband and I are going strong coming up on year 15. My cousin divorced within the year, which I already knew would happen before he even proposed (she planned on leaving him the same week he proposed, she accepted instead of leaving him. Ridiculous). Just live your best life, OP, and enjoy your brothers wedding. I never even think about my wedding anymore, because my married life is filled with too many other good memories. Enjoy your life, apologize to your brother for letting your emotions about your day spill into your emotions about him and his, and then focus on what matters.
Why do you have to choose between both weddings, i don’t understand
YTA, you’re not the main character and nobody has to bend to your will.
YTA, main character
Unless these are destination weddings, why would it be an issue to spend a day 7 weeks prior to your wedding at an event- any event really? Why cause trouble where there is none?
Tell them you can’t be a bridesmaid, but absolutely attend!
NTA. If they wanted to plan for so close to your wedding, they should have made it be after, not before. They knew your date so I see it as a jerk move.
nta, if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it 🤷♀️
Soft YTA. If people have already RSVP’d to your wedding there shouldn’t be a problem, imo.
If family absolutely has to choose between the two, etiquette dictates that you go to the one you RSVP’d for first.
NTA you are your fiancée are not at all. Your brother knows exactly what he’s doing and is TA
NTA. Normally I would go N A H and say that there’s enough time between, etc. But your family has expressed concerns over finances and hard times which leads me to believe there are other issues at play here that may force family to feel they have to choose between the weddings due to financial restraints, issues that your brother should and likely was already aware of.
In addition the fact that he proposed to his fiancee on the same day a year later casts a different and suspect light on this. It raises a lot of questions on the timing of it all. There’s 365 days in a year, that makes it nearly impossible for that to be a coincidence and just…. well as I said, raises a lot of questions and casts this in an entirely different light. Enough to shift my vote to NTA and really make me wonder wtf is going on in his head. But I’m also not sure if he is TA or if his fiancee is. The question is, which one of them is really driving this?
NTA – I’m sorry I can’t be a bridesmaid, I’ll be preparing for my own wedding with my own bridesmaids
YTA. It’s nearly 2 months before. That is not an issue.
YTA.
More than a month apart is not a proximity issue. Nearly two months apart? Please.
I’m not sure where you’re from, but it’s likely they are having a spring wedding in April. While you are having a summer wedding in June.
The two weddings just happen to be occuring in the same year.
YTA, are you jealous because your bf took 9 years?
NTA. Do you have family and friends that have to travel from out of town? They may not be able to come to both, which is unfortunate as weddings are also family celebrations. I do think it was inconsiderate for them to pick a date so close to yours and right before yours. I know not everyone will agree with me, but I think that was inconsiderate of you and your family.
Look if this is going to put financial pressure on your family then they are the AHs for that, but having their wedding almost 2x months before yours isn’t an AH move.
If you don’t want to be in their wedding because of yours and you’ll be doing things that’s fine, just go as a guest.
As someone who has not only planned a wedding but needed to replan it 2x times because of covid, added to the fact that you have had so long to plan yours, you really shouldn’t be put on a time crunch 7 weeks before. And if you are might I recommend a wedding planner.
I’m going soft YTA because you seem to be upset that the focus is being taken away from you as opposed to actual wedding logistical issues.
NTA. Looks like he’s trying to upstage you with his choice of dates.
OMG I couldn’t even get past the first paragraph. YTA all day long. What? No one is allowed to get married within 2 months of you?
GTFOH
NTA
A lot of these replies seem to be missing out your genuine concerns of family not being able to afford to attend both weddings in such a short period of time, and now might be forced to choose which wedding they attend.
And as your wedding is the one at the later date (though announced first), I can understand your concerns that some of the family will no longer attend your wedding.
NTA two weddings 7 weeks apart will probably be a burden to your side of the family. Anyone who is coming in from out of town will probably have to choose which they will attend if either of them. Any overlapping bridesmaids or groomsmen will also be strapped for cash and time. I would reschedule my wedding tbh. Give yourself another year to plan!
YTA
However, I struggled to understand why you and your fiance would wait so long to get married. Why do you really need a wedding? If you love each other, go to the courthouse and sign your paperwork. All that other stuff doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have each other.
Edit: I’m actually going to change my vote. You’re being petty and melodramatic. Why does it matter when your brother gets married? Why do you care about being first? It seems to me like you’re used to having the spotlight and you’re throwing a tantrum because you expected to be first. I will never understand why people put such emphasis on inconsequential things like this.
NTA. That’s rough. That means, if you’re a bridesmaid, you’d have to be doing all of the planning for your wedding and showers and everything at the same time as the planning for their wedding and showers and everything. If there is family coming in from out of town and the other invites go out first, family might go to their wedding and not yours because they may not have the finances to travel twice in such a short period of time. If your family is helping financially with the weddings it means they may not have as much money to help you now that there’s another wedding to help with seven weeks before.
I understand people saying that you can’t dictate someone else’s wedding, but for such a close family member to have a wedding so close to yours, it does absolutely affect you, your wedding, and your family. I’m very sorry you have to deal with this.
Question why didn’t her brother have his wedding 7 weeks after OP wedding, seems he is trying to take the shine from her big day as at her wedding people will be asking for their pictures etc… not fair Imo
Plus Understand the concern is not just about the timing but finances as OP writes by having these two weddings close together due to money not everyone will be able to attend and there are some who will only be able to attend one wedding. OP was being planning for people to save to attend her wedding next year.
Plus Her brother’s future wife compounded this issue by asking OP to be a part of the wedding party to be a bridesmaid. If she refuses they will be hurt and if she accepts, this means OP will need money to put on a a bridal shower and pay for a Bridesmaids dress. Bridal shower and bridesmaid that isn’t cheap and she is saving for her own wedding expenditures. Sadly some people will attend the first wedding and not by part of her big day which will put a crimp in her wedding celebration.
Light YTA
You get one day, your wedding day. You don’t get the year or the season or even the month, just your day. That’s the amount of time everything is about your wedding for other people, and anything that happens on any other day is not about your wedding. Of course for you you’re going to be planning and stressing and all that jazz, but that isn’t a reason for someone else to not get married when they want to.
INFO. So when do you think your brother should be allowed to get married?
I’d tell him, fine do your thing. We’re eloping now.
The parents on both sides will love that.
You shouldn’t be getting upset on other people’s behalf. That’s up to them.
YTA for making such a big deal about this. Just be happy and let your brother and his fiancé be happy. The weddings are a whole 7 weeks apart, assuming they’re just a 1-day event I don’t see the issue. Your family members have a whole year to plan their finances for both. They can wear the same outfit for both, only gift what they can afford. Spend the next year saving for any travel etc. costs.
A slightly different version of this happened to me. It sucked.
Twenty one years later, my husband and I are still married. His stepsister, whose expedited courtship brought her to the altar six weeks before us, divorced her husband two years later.
The whole shitstorm seems to matter less now, but I still remember the hurt of it.
NTA.
It’s unreasonable of you to expect that anyone else plan their relationships or milestones around yours. They’re choosing to marry the same year you do. Yes there are people who may not have the time or funds to attend both events and choose one or the other. Get over it.
NTA My immediate family had weddings in 3 consecutive years, and one of my sibs couldn’t afford 3 cross country flights and hotel for his family 3 years in a row. No way could they have made 2 trips a few months apart. You gave people tons of notice. I hope if family has to choose which wedding to attend, they attend yours, as they knew about it first.
I’m confused is the whole family in the wedding or is there a lot of travel involved? Cause why wouldn’t they be able to do both and why would it be hard for them financially
What are the huge expenses involved in attending both of you guys wedding? Are your family financing your wedding?
YTA. you’ve been together 9 years and set your date two years out. Just get married already, who cares what anyone else does. As long as their date is not within a couple weeks of yours, who cares.
Sincerely, someone who was engaged for 5 months and still had a big wedding.
YTA. I read your edits and I’m trying to figure out how it will be impossible for some family members to go to both weddings? They’re just shy of two months apart, so unless you’re having a destination wedding, or you’re making people pay an expensive price per plate, etc. I don’t get why they can’t make both?
Here’s what I did. I planned my wedding in 3 months. It was absolutely about the way we wanted our wedding to be however, we were just as concerned about our guests. We picked a handicap accessible venue/reception hall. We had an open bar. We had a bad ass DJ. We didn’t make our guests pay per plate. We made all of our own centerpieces and decorations. We did a lot of things ourselves for the purpose of being able to splurge on the drinks, food, and music. Those are the things that your guests will care about. Yes, it is about the couple, but people, especially people who are traveling, don’t want to be at a wedding with bad food, expensive drinks, and shitty music. I just personally think that couples should take their guests comfort and needs into consideration more than a lot of them do.
If you or your brother or both of you are planning a lavish wedding where guests need to pay to be there, see if you and your brother can work out a way to make it more financially feasible for your guests.
NAH-
The weddings are 7 weeks apart. Unless they are destination weddings or egregiously expensive I’m not really understanding the issue here. Venues fill up fast and sometimes you have to make do with what you have.
I don’t think either couple should have to put their marriage/wedding on hold. I also wouldn’t expect your brother to remember the exact date you got proposed to.
It will cause some strain on the families, but it seems like your brother is fine is less people attend his wedding and just wants to move forward with his marriage.
I’d let people decide who’s wedding they wish to attend and let the cards fall however they may
Edit to add: these weddings are not until 2026. It seems like if families are already voicing financial concerns about the weddings being so close that everybody is well aware of when they’ll take place. Surely your family having an entire year in advance to prepare, save for, and plan for these weddings will help ease the burden, even if they are only 7 weeks apart.
YTA. This is dripping with main character syndrome. You get ONE day. Not ALL the days. Seven weeks apart is almost an entire friggin season
YTA. If you are truly concerned about the financial state of your loved ones, plan your wedding so your guests will have minimal or no expenses attached to attending.
Info:
I’m a bit confused. Do all the family and friends have to buy expensive plane tickets and hotels stays to visit both weddings? Do you have to buy expensive plane tickets and hotels stay to visit your brother’s wedding, that expensive that you cannot have your own wedding anymore?
YTA
If it was just the wedding, then I your say yes. But considering he also proposed at the same day, year apart… That is suspicious. And his reaction, it seems too much for just being coinsidence. Is there anything you arent telling us? Also, is it wedding people has to travel to? How many relatives will fly to get to you? If they live close, it should be ok, but if they’re not, I understand thd problem.
NTA
It seems to me it’s not the dates, it’s family getting to either. If family members are coming from somewhere it will be expensive to do that in 6 weeks of each other. Not to mention parents who may bring kids if you allow it.
You’re right to be upset that your brother chose this date, but you also have to let it go. Hopefully you both will be able to have each other, no matter the family that shows up to either wedding. Just try to enjoy this precious time for both of you.
ETA definitely NTA if they had it in October and moved it from four months away to six weeks.
INFO
I don’t understand why this is an issue – is it that expensive to attend a wedding? Do you and your brother happen to be holding your weddings where lots of the same people will have to travel quite far and pay for overnight accommodation twice in one summer? Do you think lots of people will be forced to choose between your weddings? maybe you can both work to make things as cheap as possible for people hoping to attend both? (No gifts etc)
YTA – if your brother chooses to get married 7 weeks before and is okay with the family not coming to his wedding because they already committed to yours, what’s the issue? You’re making other people’s finances your problem, which it isn’t. If you’re worried you will get less attendance because they choose him instead, that’s selfish. Maybe they are closer with him. If you’re worried you will get less gifts as a result as well, that’s selfish. Your wedding isn’t about getting money and gifts. It sounds like a fun opportunity for you and your new SIL to bond over planning etc.
If you’re worried about your family being able to afford both weddings or they’ve stressed this issue with you, then why aren’t they saying something to your brother about all this? Because if that’s truly the only problem, your family should speak up, not you. Your brother isn’t a mind reader. He may not see any problem with this, so it’s your family who should mention it to him if it’s such an issue.
Your title and you speaking up are making it sound like you’re just mad they chose to have their wedding before yours when people are allowed to choose any date they want for their wedding. So you need to figure out what is truly bothering you because if it’s really not the family financial aspect, then YTA.
YTA
Look, I hate family weddings that are back to back due to getting time off and having to pay for all the expenses that come with it but they gave your family 9 months to figure it out. My brother and sister got married a few weeks apart at destination weddings and everyone who wanted to be there made it there. It’s great you gave them 2 years but you CHOSE to do that.
Edit to add: would your family be grumbling if these were non-family weddings? Or would they make every effort to be there?
Seven weeks is a long time apart. Of course people will go to both. I think you are worried about the divided attention. If it was the same weekend as yours I would understand. But 7 weeks apart you shouldn’t even be thinking this way…
I have a few siblings. The two closest in age are 1.5 years and 3 years older than I am.
All three of us got married in the same year. The only one who complained was the oldest, my brother. He thought we needed to get married in age order. That mattered only to him.
No one got less because of it, and I was the last one in that year.
No one was slighted. No one copied anyone.
This is only a problem because you’re making it a problem.
YTA
2 months before I got married my SIL to be celebrating her 10th anniversary with another wedding. Dress, cake, church, reception. My friends asked why I wasn’t mad since we all knew she wanted attention. Really I didn’t care. I don’t like attention on me and we would have eloped except I wanted his mom to be included in planning because SIL only wanted money and didn’t want her mom involved in her wedding.
YTA. It’s almost 2 months between weddings. I understand that you might not have the mental space to be in her bridal party, which is reasonable.
YTA my aunt’s sisters twin sons both got married in the same week one of them having a wedding in Banff and the other in Ottawa. No one made it an issue since no one felt like it needed to be and everyone still showed up to support the wedding’s even though there was a lot of travelling. Just saying this because they still had their special days about themselves and guests had no problem travelling within the 1 week and 7 weeks apart for both wedding’s is fine in comparison and in my opinion. At the end of the day, no one can dictate when someone else’s wedding date should be, it’s really up to the couple.
NTA. That’s asking a lot of the wedding guests. Seems like a shit move on your brothers part.
YTA. Your edit changes nothing.
NTA – they are trying to steal your lime light. Haven’t thought about the expense to all the family. Weddings are expensive for guests. They should have been more thoughtful so don’t let them invalidate your feelings. I’d be pissed.
YTA
They are entitled to get married whenever they want. You’re acting entitled. It’s just a wedding ffs
just marry on the same day, problem solved — would be easiest for all your precious family!
but I believe you actually don’t give a fuck, do you. do you control who else is allowed to marry that year, so that you can be the pretty princess in front of people you barely see once in a decade?
you are weird, you are a dramatic asshole … weddings are weird and a giant waste of time and energy for everyone involved, and the most self centered assholery possible
NTA
This feels very purposeful, and is horribly selfish of your brother and his finance, to say nothing of being in bad taste. I’m sorry.
YTA, I’ve been in a similar position and kept my mouth shut.
My now husband and I were engaged within a year of meeting, my BIL and his partner got engaged the year before after 5 years of dating. Even before our engagement was official, we told everyone the month and year we’d selected.
A week after booking our wedding, my BIL booked his for 5 weeks before. Was I upset? Sure, he can do whatever he pleases but a heads up would have been nice. It was a pain to be distracted and travel for a wedding so close to my own but that’s life and I kept my mouth shut.
There’s nothing wrong with being frustrated, my husband and I were but you keep it to yourself because it’s not your right to be upset at the end of the day.
Will family members have to travel a long distance for both weddings? I’m trying to understand why it would be so expensive for your family to be a guest at a wedding.
If I were you, I would graciously turn down being a bridesmaid because you will be too busy planning your wedding and simply be a guest. Then you simply need to show up for the wedding or perhaps the rehearsal dinner and wedding without any planning outside of what you are going to wear.
NTA. I truly do not understand all these comments lol. It’s inconsiderate to any ovelapping guests who may work weekends, who may need to pay for child care, or who may have to travel. Not to mention anyone intending on giving a gift. I work weekends. It would be highly unlikely for me to be able to afford to take both of these days off that close together. Also, are your parents contributing at all? If they are, your brother is truly an AH.
My cousin, who was also my MOH, eloped three days before my wedding. I was a little bit annoyed, but didn’t push too hard on it, because it didn’t impact my plans too much. My mother AND her mother, OTOH, never really forgave her. She later confessed to me that she regretted doing it that way and that it made her feel like an asshole for a long time.
YTA
Firstly – I think you mean ‘our’ wedding not ‘mine’. Is fiancé having any say on anything? It’s a ceremony to unite two people … both of you are having a wedding not just the bride.
Secondly – The two weddings are two months apart and hardly likely to impact.
You and your fiancé will get your day – note day, not month, year or whatever extended period some brides seem to consider is required for ‘Star of the show’ time.
Be generous hearted and pleased for your brother and future sister in law. Life does not need to be a competition, especially not with your family.
So reschedule your wedding for an earlier month. What about December when others may already be visiting? You may have to pay a fee to change the dates but then you don’t have to worry about everyone having to cover the expense of two weddings so close to each other.
I’m confused on why this would be such a financial burden on your family unless you both are expecting your family to contribute to your weddings and if that’s the case then both of you are As.
As far as all the other things that go along with a wedding such as showers, parties, dresses, and gifts should be kept within budget and your expectations should match the situation at hand for both of you.
Your wedding should never burden someone else financial situation, not even relatives.
YTA. I mean, it’s seven weeks apart, not the next weekend. Should everyone just clear out all of 2026 for your wedding?
YTA I have four brothers. They all got married within a year of each other. It was great and people can’t plan their lives around others. Two months between the dates is fine.
If people can’t afford both then they will need to make some choices. Its life.
I am heavily concerned with how many people aren’t on the side of YTA.
Like 2 months difference… how long would they need to schedule it away before you are satisfied? Do they need to wait years to do their wedding???
NAH. I feel like you’re saying this is about the cost for your family, but it feels like it is REALLY about your long courtship and engagement, followed by your brother now getting married before you.
You are absolutely allowed to feel how you feel (if my assumption is correct — which maybe it isn’t!). I would feel upset too if I waited for a big moment, only to have someone slide in and host their wedding first. At the same time, they also have the right to get married when they want. I think an open conversations about the feelings on both ends would be beneficial and help you all move forward in a positive way.
YTA. Not their fault it’s taking you 2 whole years to plan yours.
It’s a freaking wedding. And 7 weeks apart? How long should he wait?!?! Get over yourself. If ppl can’t afford to go to your wedding, then don’t make them go. If you care more about ppl going then how it’s going to look then make it easier for them to go. Or do a celebratory dinner with them closer to them after you get married. So dumb. Just enjoy the fact you found someone you want to spend your life with not what you look like for everyone else.
Yes you are an asshole for making this about you and complaining to everyone.
NAH
You are vastly over-reacting. What an asshole! You get to own (for purposes of family, not friends) one day for your wedding…maybe an entire weekend. But, that’s all. Neither you nor your brother should have such a burdensome wedding that your relatives can’t afford both of them.
NTA. The same thing happened to me but my SIL called us first to ask if it was okay. But even my MIL said it wasnt ideal financially. I was quite annoyed as well, but in the end, they change it to after because of all the travel and money involved for others.
NTA
With families spread far and wide, couples need to consider the burden of travel when they make their wedding plans. Two weddings relatively close together just won’t be possible for some guests in terms of money or leave from work.
The brother has essentially created a competition. If a cousin can only attend one wedding, which one will they choose?
This happens frequently when friends enter the wedding phase of life, but that is just unavoidable for the most part. Siblings can try to coordinate to make sure their close family doesn’t have to travel twice in the same season.
NTA
He and his gf knew. My cousin did that to me.
It isn’t your brother’s fault you are planning your wedding so far out. There is no reason he should put his life on hold for your event.
YTA you get a day, not a fiscal quarter.
NTA. My nieces got engaged close to each other, and we discussed potential wedding dates that weren’t too close together. It was important to them that family could attend both weddings and all the showers, and they wanted to be involved in each other’s weddings. One niece got married last October, and the other is getting married this November. There are no hard feelings, and everyone has been happy celebrating both of them. I don’t think you’re an asshole for being frustrated.
If it costs people the earth to go to either wedding (whether in close succession or not) or you’re worried about what gifts you’ll receive for your wedding, you’re not understanding the meaning behind marriage.
Who cares his is 7 weeks prior. People have nearly a year to prepare for both of your weddings. Get over it.
I understand the upset. Not sure why others don’t. I would never do this to a sibling. I do believe it is thoughtless and attention hogging..
But, there is nothing you can do about it. Focus on your wedding and whomever comes to your wedding be thankful for them. Your wedding is between you and your partner. People attending is just the icing on the cake. My second wedding had 15 people at it and it was the most wonderful party ever. You don’t need a lot of people to have a wonderful day.
You also do not have to worry about finances of your guests but since you are worried how about changing around your wedding so it is easier for those you really want to help attend? My second wedding was on Kauai and we paid for the guests that couldn’t afford to come. We actually budgeted for it. See if you can do something to help them and just let things unfold as they will. In your long life together you and your partner will face much harder things than this. Let it go.
NTA.
You can be upset at him for the date. I don’t see anything from your post or update indicating you’re wishing him ill. You’re being pragmatic about the circumstances. Family members will choose, and it’s going to hurt. Be prepared to accept their decisions. The positive is that apparently many people are already annoyed with him. Let everyone else deal with him.
Is he the golden child? Has your future SIL been friendly with you? Is she competitive for attention?
If I were you, I would not be a bridesmaid in that wedding. Engagement party, wedding shower, bachelorette party, bridesmaid dress, makeup, etc. costs a lot of money in addition to taking up a lot of time. Attend your brother’s wedding, but I’d keep contact about the weddings minimal with him and her.
YTA – not everyone invited would likely be going to attend your wedding no matter when it is scheduled. You chose your date, they chose thiers and have ever right to hold theirs whenever they choose.
YTA
YTA. You don’t own the calendar.
NTA and I’m not sure if people giving op the Y T A verdict either A never traveled for/been to many weddings before to know how much it costs B never been IN a wedding and don’t know the extra expenses of that or C have enough money that they don’t have to worry about the finances of attending a wedding/being in a wedding.
Expenses for a wedding guest family member:
Dress/suit (assuming you don’t already have one suitable for a wedding)
Travel to wedding city (gas if you’re driving, plane ticket if you’re flying)
Lodging
Transportation (uber to/from the venue)
Bridal shower gift
Wedding gift
Extra expenses including the above, if you’re in the wedding party:
Bachelor/ette party
Professional hair and makeup (if you’re a bridesmaid)
So, asking family members to complete the first list 2 times in 2 months even though the family members are concerned about the finance aspect is definitely an AH move on the brother’s part. And asking op to complete both lists for the brother’s wedding even though she’s spending money on her own wedding in basically the same time frame is very inconsiderate.
I don’t know how to judge you. In some ways you are out of line. In others you are validated. But ultimately, I’m going with YTA.
First and foremost, I don’t feel that this was your place to speak on anyone else’s behalf. Your family members who will be struggling with financial issues are the ones who need to address this matter with your brother and his fiancée. They are the ones who point blank need to tell him, “we want to be a part of your wedding, but we already are committed to OP’s wedding since we’ve been planning for that for a year already, so sorry, but we can’t afford to attend both.” and let your brother and his fiancée decide what they want to do with it. Your family members are the only ones who need to decide whether they can afford both or what they want to spend their limited resources on. So you’re the AH for that part.
Furthermore, 7 weeks is not all that close. It’s nearly 2 months between events. That’s a good amount of time for most people to plan accordingly. But if it does come down to family having to choose between one of your weddings, don’t forget that the entire point of a wedding is the marriage, not the attendance numbers.
However, I certainly understand why you are feeling hurt. Your brother and his fiancée appear to be trying to steal your spotlight, or so it seems. Maybe they got engaged on the exact same date a year later on purpose. Maybe they are trying to get married first to steal your attention. Dumb, if that’s their game, because they will be old news and forgotten in just 7 weeks or less as your family switches gears to refocus on your wedding. Maybe they already know what they’re doing and don’t care how it affects your wedding or family. You’re certainly validated to be frustrated by their knowing the family financial burden and refusing to change their plans. But that doesn’t mean they are wrong. It doesn’t mean you are either to feel that way. It’s just that they are making the plans they want and works for them. Just as you are.
YTA
Me, my brother and two cousins (granted one on each family side) all got married with in 4.5 months of each other
I get the sense you’d be upset if the brothers wedding was 7 weeks afterwards too
While it’s good to be sensitive to the impact of multiple events what is the acceptable time frame between weddings to you.
There’s going to be to be other events and potentially babies, you are going to need to learn to balance without taking it personally.
NTA
Because of the financial burden being placed on OPs family. 2 weddings in 2 months with costs, travel and participation is a lot
NTA
Because of the financial burden being placed on OPs family. 2 weddings in 2 months with costs, travel and participation is a lot
The problem here is that weddings are so elaborate now and lose the meaning of the wedding – to get married to someone you love and not to put on a show. April and June are far enough apart, April is far away, they have every right to get married then. Not every wedding needs to take two years to plan and it’s not fair to ask them to wait. If they did it in August or September right after yours, friends and family would be in the same boat. It’s a bummer when you wanted the spotlight and have to share it (I do empathize with this!) but the reality is that’s life.
NTA my first two thoughts reading this were:
Wow, that’s a financial and time strain on family members who will be guests at both weddings
It reduces some of the special-ness of it in a way.
To attend Two weddings in the span of 7 weeks is a lot for people. I think it is a bit tone deaf of your future SIL/Bro to plan it so close to yours.
With that being said, the fact that your brother proposed on the same day your fiancé proposed is a “who cares”. It’s not your day. You had your day when he proposed. Other people can propose to other people on that same day. Your comment there isn’t doing you any favors as it makes it sound like you are trying to project a picture of being hijacked.
Also, you can go as a guest and not be in the wedding party. If you want to be in the wedding party and be a guest that is doable too – just let people know up front that you have to take a somewhat passive role in the planning.
In summary, yes, it is inconsiderate of them I think.
Any chance of a double wedding?
NTA. You’re obviously considering the feelings of relatives who might not be able to afford to attend repeat weddings in such a short time frame, as well as considering your own expenses. Others here don’t seem to think things cost time and money … or that it might be appropriate for two couples to at least try to work together for their events rather than at cross purposes.
YTA as it’s 2 months apart. Plenty of time between weddings.
I actually understand. Auntie Sandy lives a thousand miles away, uncle Elmo lives 800 miles away, granny 200 miles away, but traveling is rough for her. Which wedding will they choose? They can’t afford both!. NTA. They should’ve planned there’s 6 months after yours.
My “friend” moved their wedding date to 6 weeks before mine (because they got engaged first they felt they had to beat us down the aisle). Honestly, I was peeved. There were a lot of similarities with wedding planning too (venues, colours etc) and I was worried we might look like we had copied them. But, when the weddings actually happened, they were so different, and we had a lot of people in common.
The only problem for you would be family stressors if coming from far away. I think if you can figure that out, you will be just fine.
Focus on your wedding and try not to stress. At the end of the day as long as you are marrying the right person it works out. (Unlike so called friends who got a divorce less than 2 years later).
NTA. Weddings that close together within the family are tough. It would be different if it was a cousin or a close friend. But siblings? I have to think that the people saying Y TA have never actually been directly involved in planning a wedding, because unless you have a lot of money to throw at a wedding planner and paying vendors for everything, there is a LOT of labor that goes in to hosting these kinds of events. It’s not just a show up the day of kind of situation, especially for the parents and siblings of the bride and groom. There is often going to be some overlap in the bridal party, too, so dress shopping/fittings, showers, bachelor/ette parties, rehearsal dinners, etc.
Take it from me—a “friend” did the exact same ish to me. Do NOT be a bridesmaid in her wedding—you will be TOO stressed and busy. Save yourself the trouble. I promise. Just attend and enjoy yourself.
Imo what I should have done was just have a handful of people (parents only) and get married quietly. It will take the satisfaction away from them. Nothing is stopping you from doing that and then having the big ceremony/reception down the line as planned.
I saw a video where the bride/groom were about to start with the officiant who then said “well, there’s not gonna be a wedding today because John and Sue are ALREADY MARRIED! Let’s celebrate!!!” You could always do that.
Yes. YTA.
You picked a far away date and can’t handle that someone else is doing something almost 2 months ahead of yours. Do you really expect everyone to put their life on hold for a 6month time frame just because you are doing something selfish on 1 day?
7 days apart I’d get
But it’s well over a month apart?!
It’s literally not your brothers fault you waited so long and took so long to plan. Not everyone needs as long to plan. It’s well before your wedding and enough time people will have a little breather between.
As for family…it’s THEIR choices if they want to try to attend both, just one, or none at all. It’s their finances to consider.
It’s a dick move from your brother.
Family will now have to choose if they can attend both, especially at they’re in different states – that’s a lot of money in flights and hotels, + wedding gifts.
OP planned their event 2 years in advance so people could budget and plan.
Bro just went with April, he didn’t think of the costs involved for those attending and he didn’t think about his sisters wedding or how having two weddings 7 weeks apart would stop people from attending one nor both.
Guest may choose to not attend either to prevent accusations of favouritism because they just don’t have the money for both.
Their parents are already helping with the funding for Ops wedding – bro didn’t consider that his parents wouldn’t be able to help out financially with his wedding, so that’s going to cause a fight. “you helped her, why not me – you love her more”
Op’s bro has not thought for one second about the logistics of his wedding or the domino effect he’s causing.
OP is well within her rights to be saddened and concerned about her brothers thoughlessness
>To which that’s the same thing, his fiancé told me too.
This is an unfortunate construction of a sentence.
You shouldn’t marry until you get that under control. : )
Between finances and getting time off work, 7 weeks is pretty close for a lot of people. NTA for being concerned about your extended family. But your brother proposing on the same date….weird on his part, hardly coincidental.
You came to ask if you’re the AH about being upset about the timing of your brother’s wedding and only spoke about the wedding but think the internet is brutal for not knowing or not assuming that the 2 weddings would require travel and your family isn’t financially in a position to do it twice? Interesting take away. I still think YTA for being making it a big deal honestly. I get it’s frustrating and you’re allowed to be upset but people don’t put their lives on hold because of you. There may be a reason why they picked June, a significance you’re unaware of perhaps or it’s what was available or just because they wanted that. Whatever family wants to go to both can go to both and whoever can’t will just pick who’s they rather attend. I personally would attend whoever asked first so yours but such is life and now people need to pick. Everybody doesn’t always attend every wedding they’re invited to for many different reasons and that’s ok you’ll enjoy your day regardless
I feel like a two year engagement is on the long side. (Especially after an eight year relationship.) Not a thing wrong with it…it is your event. But I get why your brother and his fiancee might not want to wait as long. So what were their choices? I mean they need some time—so they could do before or after you by a couple months, right? I also understand why this is not ideal from your standpoint, and why you are worried about your family.
NAH
NTA
I get it. Weddings are expense not only for the couple, but the guests. Two family weddings back to back with travel is a lot to ask of some family members. And as a family member I would be upset to be put in the position of having to pick one of the two due to finances and then have to deal with family pressure to go to both or the guilt of picking one.
I also understand being hurt by it. The exact same day to propose? Unless it’s a holiday that’s not just a random thing to do
My husband and were together for 7 years when we got married and due to Covid we’re engaged for almost 2 years. We set our date and let everyone know and everyone was excited
His sister got engaged after us and set their wedding for 3 months before ours. That’s okay I’m assuming that it was plenty of time between the weddings. We went to hers and had a blast. We saw so many family members and they told us how excited to come to ours to celebrate again. They RSVPed for ours and we paid for their seats. Out of all of those people, only 30% came. It may be petty but I did the math afterwards and cried at how much money wasted from yes rsvps that didn’t come
So I completely understand that frustration. Especially because their wedding will be “first” and people can think they will go to both but then realize after the fact they can’t