Context: I (F) was born in 1962 in a rural area before ultrasound machines were everywhere, and the nearest town was not that close to us, and babies were born at home and delivered by the same midwife.
So, when I was 7, my mother got pregnant with twins and had no idea she was carrying two babies, and the midwife, who had just delivered the first baby and probably did not realize there was one more to come, had to be immediately driven by my father to another farm where she was needed. Which means that, when my mother’s contractions started again, I was then alone in a farm with her and the first newborn baby, and it was up to me to deliver my youngest brother with my mother instructing me. this was hands down the worst and scariest moment of my life because I feared both my mother, and the baby wouldn’t make it. Well, thankfully it all worked out.
Now here’s what happened: last weekend my husband and I were celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary and we had a party and people were making speeches and talking about us. But when the mic got to my brother (who of course has no firsthand memory of his own birth and only knows what he was told about it), he took the chance to tell this story as if it was a fun anecdote (‘…and then my dad got home and there were two babies instead of one! So funny! Anyone, thanks, sis, for helping me come into this world’). And everybody thought it was fun and sweet but to me it was the opposite. It brought back some memories that are not at all positive to me.
My mood completely shifted after that, and I think my brother noticed at once because he came to talk to me afterwards and asked if he had said something wrong. And then I told him this is not a funny story to me and that the day he was born was indeed the worst day of my life, and not something I’d like to think back in a happy moment celebrating my marriage. And he went quiet and then said ‘wow, I was trying to honor you and that’s how you thought of my speech?’.
The thing is I wasn’t saying that him being born was a bad thing, I love my brother. It was just that the circumstances of his birth made the occasion traumatic for me and that he should know better than talking about it as a ‘fun fact’ if he had put himself in my shoes. But now I think I should have kept quiet and said nothing, either it bothered me or not.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action I took: I called out my brother for his speech in my anniversary party after he mentioned the story of his birth, which is a difficult experience I had to deal with, as a fun anecdote. Why this can make me the asshole: it could be that my difficulties with this episode didn’t cross his mind and his intentions were good and pure.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
VERDICT (based on replies): YTA
It sucks to be reminded of a traumatic memory, but you have no right to be pissed at your brother for failing to read your mind. And even if he had overstepped, there are a million other ways that you could have explained yourself. You chose the most hurtful possible way to tell him.
INFO: Had you ever talked to your brother about that experience?
YTA for how you phrased that. Idk how else someone should take being told “the day you were born was the worst day of my life”.
Had you said “the day you were born was very traumatic for me, I was so scared that you and Mom wouldn’t make it”, that would’ve conveyed a whole different sentiment.
You know your YTA. You told him it was the worst day of your life the day he was born. It’s been 50 years have you sought any therapy to aide you in overcoming this
YTA. No matter your intention, you told your brother that him being born was the worst day of your life. How else was he supposed to take that? Maybe the day you were born was the worst day of someone else’s life? Would you want them to tell you that?
I can appreciate your point of view but kinda a soft ass for how you expressed yourself. Did you clarify why or did you just assume he knew what you meant, kinda how you assumed that he knew that day wasn’t a pleasant one?
Gonna say YTA here, you yourself says he only knows what he is told and I am gonna assume he didn’t know it how scary it was for you if he went out and said it like a funny story. Your feeling are fine but that could very easily come off as extremely rude to him. This only really works though if my assumption is right and he didn’t know how traumatic it was for you.
YTA. If you’ve never told him how you felt about that day, then there is no way he could possibly know. Also, you could have handled it differently than saying it was the worst day of your life. Perhaps a very stressful and frightening day. Worst day sounds like you hate that he was born.
Info: Have you ever told him how it felt. Everyone reacts to horrifying situations differently and if there was no indication that it will affected you, he may not have clued in.
It also depends how you said it “That day was really traumatizing to me” is different than “It was the worst day of my life.”
Info: Did your brother for certain know that this was something you wanted him to avoid talking about?
If thats the worst day of your life, a delayed train called life is speeding right towards you snd it’s gonna be bad …..but yes you are an asshole if you framed it around it being his birthday not the experience itself, and even so it was scary and gross, but she didnt die, everything went well, youre fucking 40, get over it
Edit: youre fooking 63 ….get over it
Gentle YTA. I totally understand why that situation was traumatic for you, but your brother didn’t deserve to be crapped on for something he had no control over. Please seek therapy since you’ve obviously been carrying this around for decades.
YTA and need some perspective on this. I’m sure what happened was traumatic and horrifying but the worst day of your life? That’s a bit dramatic at your age. Have you never actually lost someone close to you?
And “the day you were born was the worst day of my life” is just an all-around shitty thing to say to anyone, much less family.
YTA
You could have worded that way better. Also you say he should have known it was traumatic for you. But did he know? For a fact?
YTA, if that’s how you worded it. Because that wording can imply that his birth made your life worse.
A more appropriate way to word it would have been to say that on that day, you experienced one of the most traumatic experiences of your life. That being delivering a child at the age of 7.
It was not his birth that made the day bad, it was your forced role in that birth that made it bad.
you said he has no firsthand knowledge of the day he was born just what’s been told to him have you told him what you went through that day if not yta and need to apologize to your brother he spoke from a place of love and appreciation with a hint of little brother humor
YTA. How else was he supposed to take what you said?? According to your post and comments, he had no reason to believe it was traumatic for you. People have a wide range of reactions to similar experiences; he’s not a mind-reader.
A simple clarification — “Helping mom give birth to you was traumatic for me. I wasn’t sure if you or mom would survive.” — would have made all the difference here.
Did he know how scared you were? Like did he know you hate that story and was being a dick about retelling it? Or is it something he has only heard told positively so he thought it was okay to share it here?
I think this is a YTA solely because it seems to me that he didn’t do it maliciously and you had, let’s say 50 years, to clear it up with everyone vs him alone.
NAH
Maybe, you want to talk again with your brother and explain just like you did in the post, that as a 7 years old the experience was very scary and traumatic to you. You can tell him you weren’t prepared to have the memories sprung back to you, and it was very upsetting. Yes, you can understand the intent with his speech, but since it was traumatic is not like you can help how you feel.
I think you know he didn’t mean to upset you, he just didn’t know.
YTA, gently. It’s been decades. I get that it was traumatic for you, but first off, everything turned out ok, and second you’ve had years to process this. If it still bothers you now, you could benefit from therapy.
You should’ve let it go. To him it’s a great story of his birth. It probably feels like a fundamental part of his family story. Maybe sometime you can talk to him about how scared and worried you actually were and while you love him, you don’t enjoy the story. But please, NEVER frame it as the “worst day of your life” to him ever again.
Have you gone to therapy? I think maybe you need to process this more.
Did you explain “what you really meant” or just walk off after telling your brother the day he was born was the worst day of your life? You decide if you’re the asshole. If your brother told you that how would you feel?
Yes. Don’t be such an immature AH.
1000% the ass
If that’s how you worded it, you’re absolutely TA. Therapy is a thing, you need to seriously consider it. This happened decades ago. You clearly haven’t processed it properly.
YTA
He didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t have any control over what time the midwife left.
Wtf is wrong with you? How was he supposed to “know better”? Did being a twin also give him incredible mind-reading abilities?
YTA. It wasn’t his fault both that he was born and how his birth happened. You owe him and apology. Then go work that stuff out in therapy where you should have taken this comment in the first place.
Please get therapy.
NTA but you need to explain to him the context of your feeling so he doesn’t think you hate him specifically
YTA. Your brother was trying to honor you but all you did was throw it back in his face. Essentially telling him that there was no reason for you to be happy when he was born. Since it was so traumatic for you. Did you consider that hearing your older sister say such things would be traumatic for your brother? Probably not since you seem to have no issue with making him feel like crap.
Wow. After all of these years you should be extremely proud of how you delivered your brother into the world. Do you think you need therapy?
>And then I told him this is not a funny story to me and that the day he was born was indeed the worst day of my life
>
…and you’re somehow surprised that he took that poorly?
YTA for your choice of words.
I also was home with my mother when she had my second brother at home before the doctor, my father and my grandmother arrived in the 70s. I was lucky that I didn’t realize exactly how risky the event could be, and it was still very, very scary for me. He and I have discussed his birth and my memories (and emotions) of that day multiple times. He knows exactly how I would feel about this type of public recognition if the situation were to come up.
If you have told your brother that his birth day was traumatic for you, then he is TA. He would have known that using this story to honor you wouldn’t be appreciated.
If you have never clearly told him that his birth was a traumatic experience for you, filled with terror and anxiety, then he is not TA. He was trying to honor his older sibling who literally brought him into the world. You are a large part of the reason he is alive and the person he is today, and he wants everyone to know that.
This does not mean you are TA either. Your emotions are valid. Having that level of responsibility put on you at an early age is a very hard thing to deal with.
It sounds like you have never talked with a therapist about this experience. You may think that you are in your late 60s and therapy isn’t important at your age, but I urge you to consider it. While it may not be affecting your day to day life, it still affects you enough you prefer not to remember it, and taking it through with a professional might help you to process the trauma of that day. Although my brothers birth wasn’t traumatic for me many other things in life have been and therapy has been quite helpful in learning healthier ways to live my life and maintain my relationships, especially with my family.
YTA because there are ways and ways of saying things. On the other hand, have you never told him about the day from your perspective? If you had then he would have known more. So you are doubly the asshole for blaming him for the ignorance you kept him in.
you are way too old to act this emotionally unintelligent. YTA
How is he supposed to know any of that? He was honoring you and you couldn’t even take a moment to recognize that. You said in comments that it’s obviously a traumatic experience but no one can be expected to think you can’t even handle hearing about it 40 years later. You need therapy for that, not to take it out on someone who had no idea how you felt and was trying to be kind to you. YTA
YTA
I get that it was a traumatic day for you, and that makes complete sense given you were 7. But you’ve spent 55 years letting him believe this was a funny story.
No way is this the first time that this story has been told. And in 55 years, you’ve never bothered to explain how scary it was for you. So of course he thinks it’s a funny family story. You’ve let him believe that for 55 years!
YTA. You had 33 years to process the trauma of that experience yet you unloaded on your brother who intended to honor you and praise you. If I were him I would be deeply hurt.
YTA There was a dozen different ways you could have said that and I think you chose the worst one.
“The day you were born was one of the scariest in my life. I was afraid I was going to lose you and mom.”
“ I love you very much but having to deliver a baby while I was a child was traumatizing and I don’t remember that fondly.” Etc.
I can’t blame you for not saying the perfect thing on the spot but I do think YTA for somehow picking the worst possible dialogue option.
YTA and a huge one at that.
You are over 60 years old….I think that you’ve been holding onto this trauma for a very long time and need to speak to a professional. YTA….softly. Your brother doesn’t seem like he is as being malicious at all. You are the reason both he and your mother are alive. What a miracle!
YTA. It seems like you’ve been carrying this trauma for half a century (You were 7, so it must have been terrifying) but after all this time most people have found a way to at least cope with their circumstances, if not well in the way to heal or overcome them.
Your brother story, “I had to be delivered by my 7 year old sister!”, is an awesome history from his point of view and demonstrates that he views you as and extraordinary person for being capable of doing something like that. You’ve gone trough life avoiding thinking about it to not relive the anxiety that if something bad happened or you made a mistake your brother could have died, while your brother has gone trough life, thinking that he was really lucky that you were there to make sure that nothing went wrong or he could have died.
I’m sure that you’ve been an awesome older sister and your little brother never tough there was something you could not handle even now that you are old. So I’m sure that your brother might be more confused than hurt about your comments.
Just talk it out with him and I’m sure everything will go back to normal.
You need help.
YTA.
YTA. Listen. It was super scary I’m sure. But umm…you were 60 or so when this story was told. If you are still that traumatized 50 years later that he ruined your birthday and you told him he caused the greatest trauma of your life…you need to be speaking to a therapist. This isn’t healthy or ok. It’s time to let it go and move on. A therapist can help you.
YTA
Lighten up OP. It’s been how many years and you’re still upset? Get yourself some therapy and go apologize to your brother.
YTA. He didn’t know.
Info: How would he even know the story if it wasn’t spoken about in the family?
YTA, when you said that you not only disrespected your brother, you also disrespected the older twin because you worded it in a way that makes you look like you hate the day they were born rather than the circumstances they were born, i understand your traumatized but we live in a time where mental health is accessible
YTA, you blame him for something that is not his fault. Not the circumstances or any of this day. You owe him an apology
How should he of known better though? You expressed this to him before?
YTA- In the history of mankind, those words have only been uttered to mean “I hate that you exist.”
YTA
You are too old for this type of behavior, but, not old enough that you don’t know that therapy exists and that you very clearly need it. The average person lives to their 70s, which means that your time here on earth is incredibly short as is and during this time in your life, you decide to take 50+ years worth of resentment and bitterness out on your brother – who, did nothing to you maliciously, even though you were malicious.
I’m a NICU nurse and I have attended thousands of terrifying deliveries. I hate vaginal twin births because they can go to shit SO quick that you end up with a dead 2nd baby (this isn’t to say ppl can’t have vaginal twin births but please do it in a hospital OR with an OBGYN ready to cut).
So I totally don’t blame you for being terrified!!
YTA
YTA. Seriously what were you thinking?
You had a horrible traumatic experience as a child, and one is taking that away from you, that’s huge thing to carry for40 years But telling that story and then dropping ‘The worst day of my life’ bomb at his 40th wedding Anniversary is cruel and completely self centered.
YTA
He told the story as if was “a fun anecdote” but also because to him, it’s a story of you being a hero.
What a devastatingly awful thing to say to him. You had to know how it would sound. You could have said “the scariest moment” or something like that.
NTA. Childbirth can be an immensely traumatic experience. You were so young. My ex husband saw our first born come out and cried for 2 days. People are being so dismissive of how horrific this was for you. It’s funny for your brother because he didn’t have to deliver a baby.
Yta and old enough to know better. Get over yourself. To say it’s the worst day of your life is such an asshole thing to say and a very selfish thing to say. It’s been over 60 years and every one was ok.
Considering N A H but ultimately going YTA.
That sounds absolutely terrifying for you. Totally normal that you carry trauma from it.
But your brother cannot know of that. It is a pretty fascinating story. If it’s been presented to him all his life as something really cool, that’s all he knows. He’s definitely not TA for bringing it up.
I think you should have told him how you feel, but in a way that doesn’t have the strong implication that you resent him for being born. It sounds like you didn’t mean it that way, but that’s how it sounded.
That’s a horribly cruel thing to say to your brother who was only trying to be kind to you. You probably made that party one of the worst moments of his life. Are you happy now? Definitely YTA.
YTA
YTA. You know that wasn’t his intention, and he is forever grateful you were there to deliver him out into the world. You’re his hero and from his story that’s how he’s always seen you. If you were scared, think how much more scared your mom was. Get over yourself and fix the situation before your 40th wedding anniversary becomes the worst day of your life because you lost your relationship with your brother.
You were caught off guard, you were reliving a past you wanted to forget. Your brother’s question was answered but was stilted and lacked the emotional background for him to understand. Everything you should have added, you missed. Understandable. You need to fix this. Don’t let this ruin your relationship.
Have that one on one conversation with him. His memories are from his parents. His memories are based on assumptions but not from a terrified 7 years old perspective. What you did as that 7 year old was brave.
You brother is proud of what you did as a 7 year old. He wanted to share that emotion and love with others. He wanted to make others laugh and feel good.
You were tossed into a past you probably never really talked about, shared. The past still has a hold on you. Still shakes your world negatively. Maybe therapy might help.
NAH…. you were both caught unprepared and neither of you meant to hurt the other. It’s time to talk. To be brave one more time.
Just clarify what you meant. Tell him to think about being 7 and knowing your mom or siblings could die. How scared you must have been. He really should understand.
Brother: thank you for saving my life when you were just a child you literal superhero you!
OP: How dare you.
Easiest YTA ever.
YTA
How tf is he supposed to know that? You’ve had 40 something years to deal with this. You don’t have to be over it, but if you haven’t even broached the subject with him in that long, that’s all on you.
What a shitty thing to say to someone who was trying to honor you!
This is really similar to why I don’t talk to my sister. She has a whole rehearsed story of how bad it was for her when I was born and she positively lights up when telling it. I understand that was traumatic for you, but that is not the thing to say to him at any point
YTA
yes, it was a traumatizing event. However, it’s been over 50 years since then, and if it’s still THAT traumatic to think about, get some therapy.
it’s not your brothers fault that there were twins and it was traumatic. stop holding it against him.
YTA. I think you need to clarify to him that the day he was born was the scariest day of your life, not the worst.
YTA… because of the lack of mature and clear communication. Your phrasing was meant to be hurtful. How could he have known, if you hadn’t told him in the past, that it was a traumatic experience for him? But I don’t think it’s irredeemable. Just explain yourself better, and don’t let your emotions cause you to choose wording intended to make him feel bad about something that was out of his control.
YTA. I get it was traumatic for a young child to experience that but that is absolutely the worst thing to say about it.
I suggest some help for you to deal with this.
YTA Man, it’s on you that you haven’t dealt with this in the last half century or so.
And if that is the worst day of your life you don’t know how good you’ve had it.
You need therapy if the pain is still this fresh & this debilitating after decades.
I’d go one further and say YTC.
I hate these fake stories.
YTA if you literally said “worst day of my life”. If you’d said “hardest day of my life” or “scariest day of my life” I think he would have understood. “Worst” makes it sound like you hate him, and his twin, who was presumably just as much a part of that day. And for pity’s sake you’re in your sixties, it’s not like this trauma is fresh, and in the end everyone was all right. Has this topic literally never come up in your family before now?
I’m sorry to say this but YTA if that’s what you said—how was he supposed to know and yes. It’s a bit ignorant but it still requires putting two and two together to figure out that what you were told wasn’t the full story.
Please apologize to your brother and explain that being put in that situation was pretty traumatic for you, and you were then a scared 7 year old, and that’s why you reacted like that because it doesn’t feel like the cute funny family story that others think it is. Say that you’ve all never really gotten to talk about it in the family. Emphasize that you love him and appreciate him in your life but that’s different than actually helping to deliver a baby when your mother is in agonizing pain, and you won’t know if your mama or your baby brother are going to come out of it unscathed, or even alive. (Maybe emphasize the fear and the concern in also worrying about whether your baby brother was going to make it). So yeah, don’t make your parents’ mistakes and have better and open communication with your lil bro.
YTA. I’m sorry but at 40 years old the sting of that day should be greatly eased by now, especially if you love your brother as much as you say. Yes of course it was a scary day for you, but you know he made light of it to shine a light on you, don’t you?
YTA.
Therapy was the place to say this. Not to your brother after he had just spent time explaining how much you meant to him.
YTA!!! People like you are the reason the world sucks like damn dude
NAH
You have trauma that you need to work through. He didn’t know. He’s probably grown up with this story and never thought of the reality of what you lived.
YTA. End of story.
YTA it was 45 years ago and a 100% positive outcome. Get over it, move on and grow up.
YTA.
You’re 63 years old. By now you should have found some way to deal with your feelings over this episode. You should have worded your statement in an entirely different way as I, too, would have been hurt by what you said if I were him.
Don’t be surprised if your relationship with your brother changes from this point on.
If that is the actual WORST day of your life I’m jealous as hell 😂
YTA for the way you said it. Even the title of your post comes across mean and hurtful. It’s one thing to tell your brother that it’s not a fun anecdote and was a scary situation for a 7 y/o. Instead you said the day he was born was the worse day of your life. YTA.
YTA
Wow. 🤯
NAH
He did not know. And if something has not been brought up as a problem for literal decades… I can understand him. Yet, your whole family sounds a bit fucked up when nobody has managed to see the possibility for this as more than a funny story.
Hopefully this has popped a bubble, and you all can start to sort things out a bit better.
YTA – You are lucky that was your worst day ever.
YTA. There are less cruel ways you could have phrased that. Instead of “the day you were born was the worst day of my life” (which he interprets as “I wish you weren’t born”), why not just tell him that helping deliver him was scary? He thinks of it as a fun anecdote and thinks of you as his hero, but you remember how traumatic the day was. So that’s what you could have said. “It wasn’t so fun for me, delivering a baby at 7 and worrying about losing you and mom was scary AF.” It’s still honest. There are options between the extreme of absolute silence and the extreme of what you said.
NTA but go to therapy for your suppressed emotions. It helps.
You kept that for over decades? Are you the type of person to hold a grudge against someone who did something that only you see as wrong? He was a baby being born. He was likely very happy to have you as his older sister and wanted to share on how you helped.
Yta if u can’t say anything nice keep your mouth shut
I can’t imagine that a lifelong loving relationship could be derailed by an awkward comment you made when still shocked by what he said. I’m not saying that you were the Asshole. You were just doing the best you could in the moment, to explain something he clearly didn’t know. Given that he probably learned this as a little kid, your parents probably didn’t want to tell him how traumatic it was for you—or maybe it didn’t occur to them, either. If I were your brother and his kids, I’d value this new addition to what’s probably an old family story. I don’t know your brother, but I wonder if it wouldn’t perhaps ease both your minds if you wrote him a letter explaining how much you love him and how scared you were that he and your mom might not make it if you couldn’t do this unexpected job. Your brother isn’t the Asshole, either, necessarily— he was trying to give a loving and lighthearted thank you, and it didn’t do what he intended. I’m guessing that he assumed that that heroic day must be something you looked back on with pride, because that’s how he sees it. But you know what, good for you in rising to that occasion so many years ago, and good for him, that you did, and for acknowledging it. No assholes here.
Sorry, but you are the A. I mean, I get that it was traumatic. Absolutely. But was it necessary to hurt his feelings like that? Even if it wasn’t about him being there and just the whole happening. It wasn’t a neccesary thing to come at him that way.
I get the trauma, but there’s therapy for that. This was just a very shitty thing to say to him.
YTA
Yta
Unfortunately YTA for calling it the worst day of your life. Phrased differently (“I was terrified of doing something wrong or something bad happening and it brought back memories of feeling like that”) it would have been fine.
What an awful thing to say to him wtf YTA
YTA, you said he only knew what he was told about it. Did you any time when it was being told clearing say what you’re feelings about it was? You told us what you meant by your statement, but did you tell him? He just learned that his sister, who he thought was great for saving him, hated him being born because that’s what you said even if you didn’t mean that.
YTA, tbh it sounds like you need therapy to work through it.
YTA – all you had to say was “it was a really traumatic day for me. I love you and your brother, but that day haunts me. I was 7 and in no way mentally equipped for it. Could you imagine how I would have turned out had there been complications with you? You and mom could have both died while I watched helplessy with your brother screaming in the background. I am so thankful everything turned out okay, but it was the most TERRIFYING day of my life.”
I think it is time you actually sit down and think about what the correct description would be for that day. I don’t think it was the “worst” but it easily could have been (see my quote above for how). “Terrifying” might be more along the lines. Or maybe “stressful.” “Traumatic,” “emotional,” “overwhelming,” or any other of a dozens of words could be a better description.
And as everyone else has said, see a therapist. They can help you process it and come up with the correct words so you can actually talk about it with your family.
YTA. Dear God
YTA and you need therapy if that continues to mess you up
OP’s feelings are for her to deal with. This is YTA because the brother came with good intentions and her reaction was not something he could have predicted, imo.
But let me tell you something else… I just HATE how so many responses in posts like these are usually in the lines of ‘you’re old enough to know better’ and ‘you had over 5 decades to deal with this trauma in therapy’ and ‘why didn’t you ever tell him how you truly felt?’ and ‘why did you let your parents be the sole narrators of this story?’.
It’s like some people here are shaming OP after doing the math and realizing she is 63 for not being trauma-free in her ‘golden age’ or if the resources we have now – and who not everyone can afford to this day – were always available and that this is something she chose not to deal with earlier.
YTA, but you’re a boomer so I can’t fault you.
NTA and i think your feelings on this are valid but i don’t think he’s TA either if he didn’t know.
Dramatic much? YTA
YTA, that was a shitty thing to say to him.
I completely understand your perspective however painful it might have been for your brother at that moment. Possibly that wasn’t the best moment to bring that up for your brother but he mentally wasn’t there the way that you were.
My mother also gave birth to my younger brother and sister through a midwife with home births. When my sister was born I was 10 and the Midwife was present but the police were coming for her for whatever reason. The whole situation was traumatic and my mother almost died because my sister was breach. There were only a couple of adults present and once my mother gave birth, the midwife was arrested and taken away leaving my mothers aftercare birth and the baby’s newborn care , for the two women left ……me (10) and my great grandma (81), all of the men were downstairs. Btw this was in Socal in the 1980’s.
I don’t think you’re an asshole at all. Sending LOVE from one big sister to another from a different mother.
YTA. Damnnn he was trying to be sweet and share a story that made you seem heroic and caring. In reality you (re)acted with cowardice and hatred. Telling anyone that their birth was the worst day of your life is hateful. And my goodness, what a charmed life you’ve lead for that to be be nightmare fuel. Get a therapist and apologize to your brother. A LOT!! YTA
While NTA, you need to clear the air with your brother and make sure he understands how stressful it was for you and not how much fun and exciting it was.
YTA, you’ve buried this trauma for a very very long time. How is your brother supposed to know that what he thought was a fun family anecdote was a trigger. Therapy asap to work through this
YTA, it’s been over 50 years. YTA for the misleading title. You are making it sound like your brother being there made your existence difficult. For no fault of his. Granted you were a child but it needed to be done or else your mother and brother would have been in grave danger.
I understand that as a child you were traumatized by the circumstances but now? You need to get over yourself.
It seems there may have been a middle road you could’ve taken between martyring yourself by staying quiet and what you said to him. You know, like telling him exactly what you told us about how traumatic it was for you instead of just saying it was the worst day of your life and leaving him to reach the conclusion he did.
Failing that, once you realized how he did actually taken it, you could have taken the moment to explain ohh no I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry, what I meant was….
It’s honestly baffling that you didn’t do any of that. YTA
Yeah kinda yta. I get that being a scary moment for you but everyone was okay. You must have had a pretty cushy and trauma free life for your brother and his twin being born healthy and your mom also being okay was the worst day of your life.
What an awful thing to say to your younger brother who has considered you the hero of their birth.
I get that you didn’t mean it the way he took it, and you are allowed to view that day differently than him.
What makes YTA is you took your trauma out on someone else.
Start therapy. If you’ve gone before, go back cause you need help
You were 7, it was hugely traumatic for you and I’d put money on you never getting any counseling or help afterwards. It was a cute anecdote for everyone else, except you and your mum, and well, she was an adult, not 7. Witnessing a normal vaginal birth would be terrifying for a young child, and add to that, having to deliver the child yourself and seeing your mum in such a vulnerable position, I’m shocked you aren’t still rocking in a corner from the trauma. So I totally get how this was the worst day of your life.
There are NAH, your brother’s story has a happy ending for him, and he was oblivious anyway. It’s probably never occurred to him what a terrible, scary, bloody experience this was for 7 year old you. Honestly, I’d recommend a conversation with your brother to explain to him how terrifying this was for you, as a child, to be responsible for this. I imagine at his big age he probably has children and even grandchildren, so he might see your perspective.
Massive hugs and therapy for little you ❤️
YTA, there really was no reason for you to make a big deal out of this. For the majority of the people who heard the story, it was just an interesting family story. You need to see a therapist since you are still having troubles with this more than 50 years later. You also should apologize to your brother for declaring his birth the worst day of your life.
“He knows what he was told”
And what you told him was that his birth was the worst day of your life! He probably looked up to you and thought you were so cool for helping bring him into the world but you definitely squashed that one! YTA!
Get help for your PSTD..I think you owe your brother a HUGE apology. Yes,it was scary and horrific to the seven year old,that has to be traumatic,but yes,60 years later and you haven’t got over it yet? Go to a therapist and get some help..YATA! Telling your brother that his birth was the worst day ever? I bet that broke your brothers heart..Self centered and get over yourself..
YTA for how you said it. Yes, your experience was absolutely traumatic and gave you PTSD. But your brother obviously looked up to you as his hero and loved you so much for what you did for him. Like, he equates your efforts for literally keeping him safe and alive. Why did you think it was okay to shit on that?
After he has time and space to process that hurt, apologize to him.
YTA. You knew that his speech was to honor you and had only good intentions behind it, and you said one of the meanest things you could possibly say to him after it. That was absolutely heartless of you. If I were your brother, I would never forget it.
Yta. You really should’ve told him it was the scariest day of your life, not the worst. Wow.
You are definitely the ass to your brother. You need to find a way to look at this in a different way. You need to seek therapy for your trauma. I won’t say it wasn’t difficult. It was a position you didn’t ask to be in. But my goodness, you should be proud of that 7 year old little girl! As scary as that was you delivered a baby! You helped your mother AND you were there for the other newborn! You were a hero!! You need to give yourself the credit that is due to you.
Yta sorry
Your trauma is for you to deal with. It is an objectively remarkable story and one that is reasonable to tell at a wedding.
You’re 60 years old. You’ve had ample time to work through this trauma enough so that you can hear it without reliving it
People!
OP was SEVEN YEARS OLD!
Please picture a seven year old you know and imagine them DELIVERING A BABY!
All alone and fearing that they are going to lose their mother!
NAH. That is: your brother isn’t an asshole if he uses his imagination and understands how traumatizing that day was for you. And that it is not. About. Him! And apologizes – – for inadvertently bringing back a trauma, and for blaming you.
If you can find someone to talk to, that is great. But you are not the asshole.
I would have framed it not as the worst day of your life… traumatic, stressful and scary, but ultimately worth it, even if would prefer not to relive the traumatic part. and let him know that.
that being said, you should consider counseling.
This is written by someone who has never given birth or even seen a birth. There is no way a midwife would leave before the placenta was birthed, so it’s just not believable that she missed the second baby.
Not to be maudlin, but my brother overdosed after a lifetime of struggles a few months before my 40th anniversary. Your brother loves you and was celebrating you at your celebration. I’m honestly jealous, and, yes, YTA.
NTA and honestly I am shocked how many people here are calling you one for not being over this, telling you to feel proud etc. As an MD, I know how scary childbirth can be. And imagining a small child having to support that with no other adult than your mom who was going through an unexpected childbirth after already having delivered one… And I’m assuming there wasn’t much room for your emotions afterwards either, and most people probably told you how brave you were without holding space for how terrified you had been.
No doubt your brother meant well and thought he’d be doing the right thing by honoring you. And it must have been painful to hear for him too. But his good intentions are there beside the painful impact this still has on you. I hope both of you can honor that too and give yourselves compassion. And if you are willing and it is available to you, I’d seriously consider trauma therapy for this, perhaps with EMDR. Because it’s unnecessary to let this affect you this much – and specific traumas like this can usually be treated very well 🫂
your brother didn’t say that in his speech to hurt you. you didn’t communicate effectively at all, also your feelings are valid but my goodness there’s a time and place. total failure on your part here imho. how can you be in your 60s and still handle your emotions so immaturely?
YTA hugely. He was trying to honor you by telling everyone how you literally helped bring him into the world. You were a hero!
The fact that you couldn’t recognize that and chose to sulk the rest of your party is baffling to me. There’s no other way he could take that than that you said his birth was the worst thing to ever happen to you. How could he not take that personally?
I echo other sentiments that if this is still so traumatizing to you that you can’t be polite when it’s mentioned, you really need therapy. It’s been more than fifty years.
What in the world…who says that to someone though???? YTA you need to have a serious conversation with him and ACTUALLY tell him what happened that day or else no amount of apologies can fix that. That’s terrible.
NTA. I know people want to judge you, but the fact that you didn’t say anything about this for 60 years or so tells me you came from a family where no one talks about things. I’m guessing you were discouraged from sharing negative emotions. But it’s been over 60 years, so it’s time to let that go. I suggest you try writing a letter to your brother telling your story. He heard that you were sorry he was born, but you remember the terror of him dying and all of you becoming orphans. That’s a heavy fucking burden to bear and I’m truly sorry no one gave you the space to talk about this before. Give yourself the grace to talk about this with someone who can help you work through your feelings, and then reach out to your brother.
YTA – and maybe get some therapy
YTA you could have expressed yourself in any other way than essentially “the day you were born is the worst day of my life”.
Such as “actually that night was really stressful because I didn’t want to mess up and it was your life that was so important so I remember being how scared I was that I would fail you and mum so I just don’t remember it as humorous” etc
NAH
i don’t think anyone had bad intentions here, this is a communication problem. but aaaalll of this could have been prevented entirely if avoidance wasn’t the preferred form of communication chosen by literally any gen Xer i’ve ever met. the last sentence really hammers it in. there’s a (much healthier) middle ground between “i haven’t processed anything properly so im going to say something emotionally charged” and “i refuse to process at all so i’ll just shove it all back down inside… until i can’t anymore and subsequently say something emotionally charged”
NAH
I can only imagine how terrifying that day was for you at such a young age, I’m sorry it is something you had to experience. For children parents are basically God, for you to have to come face to face with the idea your mom may not make it is horrific at any age but especially so young. We don’t get to choose how trauma impacts us or when we have grown through it.
That said I don’t think your brother is an asshole either. At least with the caveat that he was unaware of how you felt about the whole thing. From your post it seems as if you’ve never really discussed this with him and that you expected him to just understand that about you. And while I empathize with wanting people to just get it the fact is they don’t. If you want someone to understand something about you you need to tell them. Have a conversation and explain.
Yes you could have used more tact in how you spoke to him but I think it is reasonable that you were emotional when it came to the speech tied to the setting of your anniversary. You’re right, from your perspective it was out of place and wrong. But he must be aware of how you feel in order to be on the same page. However it’s not like you had an outburst or ruined the party. You only spoke to him about it. And yet I can also empathize with him over how your reaction would make him feel like you have resented him this whole time.
Best course of action is to apologize and explain, if he is a good person he’ll apologize too. I would hope he cares for you enough to understand where you’re coming from. But you should be sincere in stating how much you love him as well and don’t resent him. Neither of you are an asshole you just need better communication.
YTA.
Repeat with me: ” It was the MOST DIFFICULT day of my life”. Is it wrong for you? Of course not, because it’s factually true. You suffered, you where scared and this is all true.
But when you say “It was the WORST day of my life” you are saying it was an absolutely BAD day for you in its entirety. You are saying you fell IT’S WRONG you suffered this day. You are saying YOU WISH THAT DAY NEVER HAPPENED AT ALL.
Words matter. And hurt.
YTA How else was he going to take it?
He basically hero-worshipped you and you told him his birth was the worst day of your life.. Way to go sis 😒
YTA
I mean, how would you feel if someone told you that the day you were born was the worst day of their life?
It would have been better (and kinder) if you had said nothing, or if you had simply said something along the lines of, “The story of your birth isn’t cute or funny to me. The day you were born was the worst/scariest day of my life because I was afraid that you and/or Mom wouldn’t make it.”
YTA 100%. You don’t speak about someone like that. Seriously, use tact and think about the words that you’re using. Your brother was giving a story, by the sounds of it pumping you up, saying how good it actually was that you were able to to help her through that smand you shit all over him by saying that. How was he to know that it was traumatic for you?
If that was the worst day of your life, your life must have been pretty damn easy. The way that you started the story I expected your mom to have died during childbirth or to have bled out or there to be a dead twin that you pulled out and saw, and it rocked your world.
Jesus H. Christ, that was bad. “Worst day EVAH little bro!
Wait, why are you so upset??? I was the one who was traumatized!”
YTA
Yta for how you worded it to him.
You should have explained the birth was traumatic and you were scared of losing him. Then go on to say that you will always be grateful for the impact he has made in your life, but at the same time, you felt a fear and worry, that you never want to experience or remember.