I (16F) told my autistic brother (17M) that I’m sick of his behaviour. He never cares about anyone else and only cares about his phone. He will never comprise and i have to be the one to compromise every time. Me and my parents always have to walk on eggshells with him because he has aspergers syndrome but it’s just so exhausting sometimes. Today my mom asked him to do something and he refused leading the of them to continuously fight for more than 2 hours. My mom asked me on my opinion and i snapped and said “Mom, you always put me in the middle of things and (brothers name), i don’t care if you’re autistic, I’m sick of your behaviour and your autism is not my responsibility. So AITA?
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I (16F) told my autistic brother (17M) that I’m sick of his behaviour. He never cares about anyone else and only cares about his phone. He will never comprise and i have to be the one to compromise every time. Me and my parents always have to walk on eggshells with him because he has aspergers syndrome but it’s just so exhausting sometimes. Today my mom asked him to do something and he refused leading the of them to continuously fight for more than 2 hours. My mom asked me on my opinion and i snapped and said “Mom, you always put me in the middle of things and (brothers name), i don’t care if you’re autistic, I’m sick of your behaviour and your autism is not my responsibility. So AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that should be judged is that i said I’m sick of my brothers autism and i might be the asshole for saying that
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You’re 16 and it’s not your job to manage your brother’s behaviour or your parents’ stress. Autism explains some things, but it doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter.
Snapping isn’t ideal, but it sounds like you reached a breaking point after being stuck in the middle for too long. I think a a talk with your family is in order to figure out how you all can move forward.
Autism is not an excuse to be mean.
Autism is not an excuse to be lazy.
Autism is not an excuse to be a bad person.
I would calmly explain to your mother and father that you are not your brothers keeper, and that it’s not your responsibility to manage anyone feelings but your own (you can’t manage other peoples feelings even if you wanted to). You should probably start working on setting healthy boundaries for yourself, as you get old your family is goign to expect you to take on more responsibilities, likely in reference to your brother, and you are going to want to discourage that as much as possible.
A cautious NTA, as you were a little snippy, but forgiven due to your age. You should try to keep in mind that the calmer you remain the better the outcome of any situation.
So with autism, it can be really challenging to empathize with others and think about what other people may feel or think. I really hope that your brother is getting help outside your immediate family to help him navigate social relationships with others and how to compromise and problem solve as these are skills that he needs to develop through various aspects of life.
That said, soft NTA for feeling this way, I think your mom is more of an AH for asking your opinion and putting you in the middle, but I also think telling him you don’t care he’s autistic is an asshole thing to say to him.
Of course you’re NTA. You’re not his parent, you shouldn’t have to be involved with this, and your parents should be stepping in and making sure you’re both treated fairly.
Partial NTA: Dealing with a special needs child is hard but it doesn’t mean your parents get to load off their responsibility onto you. Autism is never an excuse for someone to be rude and disrespectful. I think you could work on getting your opinion across better rather than snapping, but I think that where you’re coming from is reasonable and I can see why you would feel this way.
NTA for several reasons:
NAH. Living with autism is hard for the whole family. But, your brother may not be able to help how he is, your mother is trying to cope with everything too (and she’s a human-not a perfect robot). Just take a moment to recognise all of this. Some siblings do family counselling to deal with the challenges- might be worth suggesting if coping with the situation is an ongoing challenge.
You are not wrong for putting your foot down and saying “This behavior is wrong” because at some point the same thing will be said by a non- family member and your mom’s excuses won’t hold up. You said that your mom and brother had a two hour fight with no resolution. That is a huge red flag that both your parents have no idea how to deal with an ADULT family member with autism.
Autism resources are largely focused on helping children, especially as they go through school. This is not applicable for helping teenagers becoming adults. I would lookup resources and therapists in your area who specialize in adult autism support and tell your parents to use them regardless if your brother is interested or not.
The resources can’t teach your brother to care, but they can teach your parents how to create reasonable boundaries to turn your brother into an acceptable roommate. The goal is to not create a family, which it sounds like your mother is trying to do. Your goal is to create a socially acceptable adult, which is not who you are living with right now.
NTA. I’ve got aspergers and can confirm it ain’t shit. All it does is make it hard to fit in, make you a nerd for some really specific interests, and a couple other things like sensitive hearing or issues with certain textures and stuff. If you’re lucky, you end up with a high IQ. They don’t make “Please be patient, I have Asperger’s” hats for a reason.
More than anything, he’s a hormonal teenager with an anti-authority streak and a stubbornness problem (that’s the asperger’s part). If he doesn’t grow up and become more empathetic, and learn to put up with a little discomfort, he’s going to be this cringey his whole life.
No one should EVER walk on eggshells just for Asperger’s. That’s just insane.