I 32f have a service dog. I will not be answering questions on my disability but she is task trained. She does deep pressure therapy. She is not an ESA. My parents host thanksgiving. A few years ago my grandma adopted this woman Barbara 50sf who is scared of dogs. When she comes to thanksgiving my parents board their dog for her. I told my dad that I wanted to go to thanksgiving but I was told I couldn’t attend because Barbara is afraid of dogs. I told him that I’m his daughter and I should come first. He still wouldn’t cave. Finally out of frustration I yelled at him that if he wasn’t willing to put the needs of someone he chose to create above some random adult lady that my grandma decided to adopt he shouldn’t have had kids and hung up. So was I the asshole? Did I go too far?
I should add that I don’t have an issue with adoption. My little sis is adopted and she’s the same as my bio sis.
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I 32f have a service dog. I will not be answering questions on my disability but she is task trained. She does deep pressure therapy. She is not an ESA. My parents host thanksgiving. A few years ago my grandma adopted this woman Barbara 50sf who is scared of dogs. When she comes to thanksgiving my parents board their dog for her. I told my dad that I wanted to go to thanksgiving but I was told I couldn’t attend because Barbara is afraid of dogs. I told him that I’m his daughter and I should come first. He still wouldn’t cave. Finally out of frustration I yelled at him that if he wasn’t willing to put the needs of someone he chose to create above some random adult lady that my grandma decided to adopt he shouldn’t have had kids and hung up. So was I the asshole? Did I go too far?
I should add that I don’t have an issue with adoption. My little sis is adopted and she’s the same as my bio sis.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> She might have as much right to be there as me and should be considered family just like me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Adult adoption can have benefits but this feels a little… Weird.
Anyways, NTA. Your medical needs should come first.
Nta. It’s a trained dog that will be working. Your father is choosing sides, and not the right one. He is rude.
Leaving the reasons you can’t be away from a dog for a few hours makes judging impossible. It’s obviously a choice. Framing your parents putting a guest over your dog is not choosing a friend over a daughter.
You went too far.
I would bet that your dad doesn’t fully believe you really need your service dog at all times.
From the post it sounds like your disability is severe enough that you need your service dog at all times, that’s all we need to know. We can’t judge your needs. You need the dog, you need the dog.
Which in turn is something your family should be more understanding of. Is there a way the newly adopted adult would be willing to see how well trained your dog is to help calm their anxieties?
NTA because he should be willing to accept all of you, not just the parts that are convenient for everyone else.
Edit:typo
DPT is the professional form of ESA. I had to check twice to make sure there is a difference. But then, it doesn’t matter why you have the dog . You can chose to be away from the service animal or you can chose to visit your family on the one day in a year they have a guest who is incompatible with your special needs. YTA for pessing this issue in the first place. They aren’t a public place and can tell you the dog isn’t welcome
I definitely think you went a bit nuclear with that comment but I don’t fault you for being over the edge with this. Your Father should be putting his foot down and telling Barbara either she deals politely with his daughters service dog or she doesn’t come.
I am willing to bet he has chosen you to go against because he thinks you will make less fuss and he knows his Mom won’t come without Barbara.
NTA
your grandma adopted a sister to your dad. your aunt is terrified of dogs, visit another day if you require yours.
NTA. He needs to put the needs of his disabled kid first. Not even trying to find a way you both can come and just automatically telling you you can’t come is weird as hell and cruel from them. I’m sorry OP.
It would be interesting to know why a compromise wasn’t possible here – surely there would be a way for you to attend but for the dog to be out of the guests way?
That being said, if your parents have invited this person (your aunt by adoption?) and you subsequently have tried to have her removed because you won’t make any accommodation then I would say YTA.
YTA
For thinking the ADA gives you carte blanche to bring your dog into people’s private homes.
For not being willing to find alternatives for a few hours so that your dad can have his sister in his home.
NTA. It’s a service dog, not a pet dog. It isn’t going to be a jumping, barking, in-your-face personality because service dogs don’t do that when they are working.
If you were a wheelchair user and Barbara was deathly afraid of wheelchairs due to being run over as a child, I doubt your dad would tell you to just leave your wheelchair at home. A service dog is an assistive aid, not a pet, and should be treated as such.
Your dad really should have your back on this. It’s honestly heartbreaking if you can’t rely on your parents to have your back with regards to your disability. Barbara should be told she’s welcome but that your service dog will be in attendance, and that it will be working and therefore will not be in her face.
Since when is adult adoption a thing? Wtf.
Going against the grain with ESH.
I feel like there’s a middle road here, but neither you nor your dad chose to explore that option. Both you and your dad suck for not trying to come up with a compromise. You just expected your dad to cave to your demand. For example, does your service dog have to be right with you every moment, or can s/he be in a separate room just long enough for dinner?
If your grandmother adopted Barbara, then Barbara is your aunt, and your dad’s sister. She has every bit as much of a right to be there as you do. That said, life shouldn’t be all about accommodating Barbara.
You need to talk to one another, not make demands, yell, and insult one another.
YTA for your reaction. I’m leaning ESH
As someone with a service dog. My aunt is allergic to dogs, so for Christmas, I don’t bring my service dog. It’s the only holiday we do indoors, most time it’s outside, but Christmas is a little more fancy. She can’t be in a enclosed space with a dog for long periods. It sucks, but my family knows my disability in and out. My dad and hubby also know all my signs and if I need help. My family doesn’t allow me to be alone during holiday time. It’s a little overbearing, but necessary. Having my service dog, gives me more freedom. My service dog, comes but he sits on a enclosed porch, they have a steak and I go out there when I just need a minute. I make sure to lent role and spray myself, so my aunt can enjoy the holiday too.
I get it, but it’s the compromise I make in order to be with family. My aunt even volunteers to not attend, but why shouldn’t she go, she was here first.
Is there no one in your family that can help for a couple of hours? So that you can enjoy family too? I do think they suck for not rotating when you can come and she can leave. That’s easier then an allergy.
It sucks, but when I travel to other countries even with a hold time, it’s not worth it to bring a service dog. So I travel with my hubby or my dad if he’s available. That way I can still enjoy life. It’s a compromise because I have been told even with a service dog, they may hold him for 2 weeks and I will not put my SD through that.
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YTA having a phobia is just as valid as having a disability. on top of that, you were very out of line telling your dad he “shouldn’t have had kids.”you don’t say that to someone, esp when they’re trying to accommodate for two different ppl.
You’re both the Asshole.
I think you need take some time to try to understand the situation and he should talk to Barbara about the fear of dogs. It’s not reasonable to tell your dad that his current actions mean that he should not have had kids in the past, that’s being an asshole. It’s also not reasonable for him to tell you that you can’t attend thanksgiving because Barbara is just arbitrarily ‘afraid of dogs’, that’s being a flippant asshole. Telling him that you should come first is probably not helpful, I suspect he ultimately knows that but he is torn trying to satisfy two persons
Specifically, it should be reasonable for Barbara to try to make an exception for your Service Dog. There is a big difference between untrained, violent dogs and a service dog, and it should be okay to point that out.
He probably isn’t trying to choose her over you, he is probably also in a very hard position where he is concerned about how to handle the dynamics.
Yes YTA. You’re disabled and that sucks but just like you can’t help your disability they can’t help their phobias. I 100% believe anyone who whole heartedly believes they’re more important than another person is an asshole
NTA. If they say you can be without your service dog for a few hours, then you can say your “aunt” can tolerate a dog for a few hours.
-Service dog, not a pet. NTA there.
-Adopted is one thing, but she’s literally a 50 year old woman who was adopted. Is there some context here? Like…I don’t know, why did your grandmother do an adult-adoption of someone who qualifies for AARP? NTA there either, in my opinion, unless there is some really good explanation for this.
NTA. You need your service dog. The people saying you can’t go somewhere because you need her are ass holes because they’re your family not because it’s an accessibility issue. I think you’re dad prioritizing some random ass adult human your grandma adopted as an adult is not only super fucking weird but it definitely makes him the ass hole here.
NTA. A service dog is a medical support device. This would be ridiculous if Barbara was afraid of wheels so you couldn’t come because you’re in a wheelchair, why is it different if its a dog?
It sounds like you simply aren’t invited because of the dog (rather than being told to leave the dog at home), meaning that your father is prioritizing his mother and her guest over your presence. This is really shitty and I feel like your reaction is probably due to a lot of situations like this. As a member of the ‘father shouldn’t have had kids’ club, I’m deeply sorry. Is there any chance your sisters could celebrate Thanksgiving with you?
ESH and I’m cancelling Thanksgiving. Done.
I’m just curious if your grandmother adopted the woman when she was a child or when she was in her 50s? It’s kind of unclear as you say she “adopted this woman” instead of my aunt. Has Barbara always been a part of your family and holidays or has her presence been recent. I think with more accurate information, I could respond more appropriately. Thank you.
YTA for thinking you are more important than someone else. What were they supposed to do? Uninvite her because you decided you wanted to show up this year?
NTA-
Therapist in training here—- It sounds like your family has a lot more problems than just the one in this post. Why the adult adoption? Who is this person and what is their mental state because I’ll hazard a guess that it’s not great. I’m also going to hazard a guess that both grandma and dad are problematic for a variety of reasons. I’m also suspecting that you tend to not feel heard or validated very often which makes you feel unloved, unsafe, and unappreciated, which makes sense since apparently a random person is getting more consideration. It sounds like your dad didn’t even ask if you could go without your dog for an afternoon and it sounds like you’re the only person being demanded to make an accommodation, not the random adult who’s been added to your family. So no, you have every right to feel your feelings and to try to get a parent to hear that you are hurt and act the way a parent should. The people saying that YTA probably have their own issues to deal with, things haven’t gone their way and someone with a service dog got something they wanted in a low moment so now they’re against all people with a service animal because instead of using empathy to understand they just get jealous. Ignore them. But get therapy. So much therapy. Because I can just sense all kinds of attachment traumas coming from your family. Therapy will help you to unpack all of that, understand it better, and learn better ways to live with it and maybe even heal some of it.
i feel insane reading some of these comments. OP never said that Barbara had a phobia of dogs, she said she’s afraid of dogs. you can be afraid of something without having a phobia, i think it’s weird that people are automatically assuming it’s a phobia as a way to imply that OP is being ableist when her family is excluding her from an event because of her service dog.
OP told her dad that she wanted to go to Thanksgiving, he told her she wasn’t allowed to go which is very clearly (in my opinion) choosing the recent addition to the families needs over his own child. i don’t believe that it’s OP’s responsibility to come up with a compromise when she’s being told she’s not allowed to attend because they know that she requires her service dog to be present. and why is Barbara not trying to come up with a compromise, since her fear is also at play here? why is the assumption that OP must figure this one out because it’s her service dog?
NTA.
Yes you were. Not saying you were wrong, but you handled it wrong
Info: I am very confused. Did your grandmother adopt an adult (50f)?
ESH
Not good to deny someone because they have a trained service animal, but also not good to react the way you did. I really think with some compromise from both parties a solution could be found.
I feel like there’s a lot missing here.
ESH, you were both entirely unwilling to compromise. While your dad wasn’t prepared to come up with alternative arrangements you jumped straight to the nuclear option. I had a service dog for a decade and yes it’s hard leaving them behind. Sometimes it can be challenging finding room for compromise with people who can’t be around dogs for whatever reason. That frustration doesn’t excuse your comment, but your dad should also be understanding of your needs and volunteer solutions that as much as possible make everyone happy
Why did they adopt Barbara?
INFO – Why do you think you have more of a right to be there than your father’s sister?