My brother’s getting in a few months but he’s currently abroad. Our dad is an abusive person and none of our family members ever liked him. This morning I woke up from screams coming out of room. Soon I got to know my dad was demanding that he wouldn’t let my mom invite any of her family members at her son’s wedding. She didn’t sleep last night and was actually feeling unwell. I saw her screaming and crying at the top of her lungs just because she wanted her mom, sisters and her nieces present at the ceremony (my brother also wants them to be present there because he grew up with them). But the asshole my dad is he said he doesn’t care about her wife or son’s feelings. My brother called and said he doesn’t want his dad’s stupid friends to be present there instead of his family members. His wish is that if our dad’s friends are going to be at the ceremony then our family members have to be there too. But he hung up the call and continued screaming at my mom. That’s when I lost my cool and shouted “you’re not the one who’s spending money on your son’s wedding. You son is the one so you should shut up.” Actually my brother is paying 90% of the wedding, not because his dad can’t but because he wants to do it for his wife. After I said the words he left but tried talking to me about it once again after a few hours. But I said it’s not his wedding so he should step aside from the matter and let his son handle it. I thought it was all good until my brother called me a few hours ago and thanked me for saving our from the screaming madness but yelled at me for the words I used at dad. He asked why I thought it was nice to do that. idk maybe because everyone always accused me of doing things I didn’t do. so I learned how to stand up for myself and maybe that’s why I thought I needed to stand up for my mother. Maybe the words I used were not the ones I should’ve used as it’s not mine at the end of the day. But idk, maybe I shouldn’t have used that tone or that words to dad because ofc at the end of the day it’s not my money. But it’s my mom who I need to protect. Maybe I should’ve thought of others ways to get her out from his maniac sessions on why she is not allowed to invite the guests my brother wants to invite.
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My brother’s getting in a few months but he’s currently abroad. Our dad is an abusive person and none of our family members ever liked him. This morning I woke up from screams coming out of room. Soon I got to know my dad was demanding that he wouldn’t let my mom invite any of her family members at her son’s wedding. She didn’t sleep last night and was actually feeling unwell. I saw her screaming and crying at the top of her lungs just because she wanted her mom, sisters and her nieces present at the ceremony (my brother also wants them to be present there because he grew up with them). But the asshole my dad is he said he doesn’t care about her wife or son’s feelings. My brother called and said he doesn’t want his dad’s stupid friends to be present there instead of his family members. His wish is that if our dad’s friends are going to be at the ceremony then our family members have to be there too. But he hung up the call and continued screaming at my mom. That’s when I lost my cool and shouted “you’re not the one who’s spending money on your son’s wedding. You son is the one so you should shut up.” Actually my brother is paying 90% of the wedding, not because his dad can’t but because he wants to do it for his wife. After I said the words he left but tried talking to me about it once again after a few hours. But I said it’s not his wedding so he should step aside from the matter and let his son handle it. I thought it was all good until my brother called me a few hours ago and thanked me for saving our from the screaming madness but yelled at me for the words I used at dad. He asked why I thought it was nice to do that. idk maybe because everyone always accused me of doing things I didn’t do. so I learned how to stand up for myself and maybe that’s why I thought I needed to stand up for my mother. Maybe the words I used were not the ones I should’ve used as it’s not mine at the end of the day. But idk, maybe I shouldn’t have used that tone or that words to dad because ofc at the end of the day it’s not my money. But it’s my mom who I need to protect. Maybe I should’ve thought of others ways to get her out from his maniac sessions on why she is not allowed to invite the guests my brother wants to invite.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother didn’t like telling my dad about his money so I might be at fault here
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I am slightly confused as to what your really trying to get our opinion about – is is the abusive situation with your dad and mum, is it about your dad saying that mum’s family cannot come, is it about your brother having a go at you for how you spoke to your dad
In any case I don’t think you’re the asshole !
NTA. I would try to help your mother get away from your abusive father. Give her the book The Gift of Fear. Tell her to talk to a lawyer to see if she could survive financially on her own.
NTA.
Your mom needs a lawyer.
NTA for helping your mom with a difficult situation, but it’s time to stop fighting your brother’s battles. He has indicated that he feels your help was unwanted. Keep that in your head the next time your brother struggles with his father. Focus only on helping your mother when necessary, and leave your brother out of it. He’s apparently capable of handling these situations completely on his own from here on out. “I’m sorry, that will NEVER happen again”.
Info: is the abusive father the father of both yourself and the groom? You worded it several different ways. It might not make a huge difference, but this is chaos, so every bit of information helps.
Tell your brother to move the venue or date and not tell your father.
Okay, probably don’t do that,. Your father is abusive, and, I presume, violent, and this idea would end up with someone, probably your mother, hospitalized.
Unless you can figure out a way to do it safely.
NTA
This is a whole pot of word soup, not really sure what we are even supposed to be judging here?
Your father is clearly and AH, and the entire rest of your family are ESH for staying and putting up with him.
It sounds like everyone in your family is scared of your dad and has to the coping mechanisms to deal with his anger issues. The fact that your brother thanked you for standing up for him and in the same breath criticized you for talking back to your father is telling. Because I’m guessing that in your brother’s experience, the only thing worse than not talking back to your dad is telling him off because that will just set off another tsunami of rage.
ESH you have an abusive and dysfunctional family. There is no winning here.
Why is Dad even invited? He’s a prick