AITA for telling my dad I don’t want his girlfriend at my birthday?
I’m 18yrs old, female, and I’ve been struggling with my dad’s girlfriend. My parents divorced when I was eight. My dad has had two relationships in that time and his third and current one started about two years ago. I tried to get along with her at first, but the arguments began subtly and over time they happened frequent.
One of the earliest issues was about how I eat my breakfast eggs. I like runny yolks and mash them up on my plate with mayo, pepper, and salt before eating them with toast. My dad and sister (20F) have occasionally commented on it, but I’ve always done it that way. His girlfriend, however, called it “disgusting” and said the sound and look of it bothered her. My sister suggested I do it in the kitchen, but honestly, I don’t see why I should change habits just because someone else is annoyed.
Over time, she began commenting on more things. How long I spend in the bathroom, how I speak, that I’m rude, or that I wear too much makeup. Once, I tried to apply makeup in the car and ik my dad also doesn’t allow it because he doesn’t want the car getting dirty. But his girlfriend felt the need to explain why I shouldn’t behave that way, as if I need her moral approval.
She acts like she has some kind of authority over me, like a parent, which I strongly reject. I don’t like her. To be honest, I’m not even sure my dad truly likes her. He just seems to go along with things. He lost his mother at a young age and struggles to say no to her, which shows me that it’s more becasue of his mommy issues. Because of that, I don’t take their relationship seriously.
The main problem is, my dad really wants us to all get along. He gets upset when I avoid her and says it’s important that the people he loves are all part of each other’s lives. He assumes she’s automatically invited to everything he’s invited to, including my upcoming birthday.
I told my dad two days ago, that this time, I don’t want her there. I don’t feel comfortable around her, and I don’t want to pretend I do. I also told him ho it’s visible that everyone wround us feels the tension and that I don’t want that at my own birthday. I’ve even told him I can’t picture her at future events like my wedding, so that he understands how I really can’t have her around me when I don’t have to. That’s when he said if she’s not invited, he won’t come either. It really hurt. I’m his daughter. The fact that he’d choose her over me and say he wouldn’t attend my wedding if she’s not included crushed me. I almost cried but was too angry to show it.
My sister agrees it’s unfair to expect me to get along with someone who constantly criticizes me, just to protect my dad’s feelings. I don’t usually change my behavior to make others more comfortable, especially when what I’m doing is harmless. I struggle with very emotional people and often get called insensitive, especially by my sister, who has been diagnosed with hypersensitivity. So conflict over different values isn’t new for me, but this still hurts.
So, AITA for not wanting my dad’s girlfriend at my birthday?
Comments
NTA, this is completely reasonable. unfortunately it seems your dad has lost his balls deep in his girlfriend’s purse. my condolences.
NTA for not wanting her there, but in life we don’t always get what we want. Your dad has made his position clear, so now you have a choice. Tolerate her, or accept that your dad will not accept you dictating his choice of partner.
Now that you’re 18 (when you are) and hopefully not living with him, you can choose to simply let her accompany him to things and be cordial but shut down any conversations you’re not willing to have, politely. “I don’t want to discuss that with you. Oh, look, there’s (somebody I’d rather talk to), excuse me …”
Or you can let him miss out on all the things with you. Only you can decide if you’re willing to lose your father over forcing a choice. It’s not a choice you should be forcing just because you find someone annoying. You’re going to find a lot of people annoying in your life — teachers, coworkers, bosses, neighbors and other people that you can’t simply make go away.
Happy birthday – I hope you find a way to have a good one, whatever decision you make.
NTA- Sad to say, don’t expect him at your party. Hopefully after a few years he will see the events that he’s missing out on. Just prepare yourself for him not being in your life celebrations. Happy Birthday.
NTA. You should be able to set a boundary and have it respected. And she shouldn’t be criticizing you like that. It probably reflects her own insecurities. Happy birthday. I hope it’s a good one
ESH
You sound bratty. You know you’re not allowed to put your make up on in the car but you did it anyway? Do you take forever in the bathroom? Is it the only one in the house? Do you sound rude?
But also yea. She shouldn’t be sticking her nose in. She’s not your parent.
However you are 18 not 5 and you should know how to behave appropriately
NTA. It seems like your life has been changing in major ways and having a control freak involved isn’t making it any better. It’s not fair to you to have to consider what you eat, wear, etc. all while experiencing a huge change. I would suggest really talking to your dad about how this makes you feel and letting him know that if she doesn’t make changes, you obviously won’t want her at your special events.
NTA.. It’s hurts but at least you know where you stand… all you have to say is “I’m sorry that you feel that way, but I’m your daughter and your throwing away a relationship with me over your GF, someone who will play no part in my future.”
NTA…However you have to accept the outcome of this, namely that your father may not be present in your life, at least in the near future. You shouldn’t have to endure someone who is constantly criticizing you, but unfortunately even parents don’t make the right choices.
NTA. I am sorry you dad is picking her over you. I hope sooner than later he can see who she truly is and how it is effecting yall’s relationship. But all I can say it just tolerate her. He will miss out on your life because of his partner. That’s his lose honestly. I hope you have an amazing birthday filled with laughter and fun.
It sounds like you, and your dad, need to grow up a bit. Why fight over a hypothetical wedding? Silly thing to bring up, which I assume you only did to hurt, and even sillier of an adult to engage with it.
You seem pretty tiring, the wedding, your armchair analysis of your dad and “I don’t see why I should change habits just because someone else is annoyed.”. You’ll get older and hopefully get more emphatic as you age.
You’re young so you less than him, but I’d say ESH.
NTA, your father and her gf are disgusting
NTA. Setting boundaries is fine but they are not free from consequence. Only you can decide if the consequence is worth setting the boundary.
Does he ever give her the talk of “it’s important that the people he loves are all a part of each other’s lives” with the expectation that she treat you better?
I kinda want to tell the gf to go fuck herself, tbh. She had no authority over you, and frankly should be making efforts to realize that. Even if she were married to your dad, she has to earn your respect and “parenting” comes much later. That’s a very delicate road.
She’s acting like she has some kind of multipass and you must obey.
Screw that.
Nta
NTA. Your dad is making a mistake.
Unfortunately you can’t control other people, just like how your dad’s girlfriend can’t control you. She should’ve understood this already as a grown adult. Your father has made his decision, and it’s up to you whether you want your father around enough to stomach her presence. Weigh them and see which is heavier.
Since you “don’t usually change [your] behavior to make others more comfortable”, your dad might just have to miss your birthday. Compromise is part of relationships. Lack of empathy for others will sour your relationships in the future. Happy birthday though
NTA. Hopefully your dad will come to his senses
Your dad is the AH because he took her side over yours. I always choose my kids over a BF. Shalom you’re loved 💔
NAH, it’s fine to not want to be around someone, but don’t be too surprised when it has consequences.
NTA. The people telling you to just deal with her don’t understand that once you let this boundary go, they both will walk all over you. You shouldn’t have to deal with someone who constantly criticizes and belittles you, especially at your birthday. You have every right to not want her there, and if your father doesn’t respect that, he doesn’t respect or value you in his life.
Even if this girlfriend doesn’t work out, he has shown you that your feelings are not a priority to whatever girlfriend in his life feels.
Sorry, OP, you lost me at “I don’t see why I should change habits just because someone else is annoyed.” Um, because of politeness and consideration for others? Because the entire world doesn’t revolve around your comfort and convenience? Sheesh. I mean, good luck to your potential future housemates and SO’s.
When I do my best to filter out/correct for all the self-centered adolescent moaning, it does sound like the dad’s GF is overstepping her (very limited) authority at least to some extent, so I’m not taking her side either. However, it looks like OP missed the mark with the “Dad doesn’t even really like her” assessment (wishful thinking?). Personally, I think that even while maintaining that the GF does not have parental authority over her, OP can and should get over herself and treat the woman with civility.
ESH
NTA. As an adult, you are absolutely allowed to decide who is or isn’t invited to an event in your life! Even as someone 12-17, you should be allowed to decide. I’m getting so tired of parents who think THEIR feelings matter more than their own child’s! I can see their point that they’re trying to get people to get a long, that sometimes people just have to suck it up and deal with ppl we don’t like, because life is unfair, but when they do shit like this, all a parent is teaching their child is that THEIR CHILD’S feelings do NOT MATTER as much as their own or their significant others! If your parent can’t get the adult in their life to act right, why would or should they expect a child to act ‘right’ or do what they want?! As painful as it is or can be to have your dad decide (at least for now) to not attend tell him as calmly as possible, “It is YOUR choice to not attend my party, just know you’re welcome to come without her. I will NOT change my mind about her attending; she is not an important person in my life like you are. I should not be made to accept someone who is so critical of me. If having you in my life means I have to accept her, we are at a crossroads. I am your daughter-why are her and her feelings more important, or your feelings, more important than mine? I am just becoming an adult and learning to balance things out-but you are an adult, and have been an adult for years-what’s your excuse for using emotional blackmail?”
Unfortunately, he has the right to not go somewhere without his girlfriend, so you may have to come to terms with not having your dad involved in your life. This is an absolute reflection on HIM & his stunted emotional health, not you at all. It seems to me that so many adults are so afraid of losing the person in their life-spouse, girl/boy friend-that they forget that the people they’re supposed to be focused on-their kids, that they can’t “lay down the law” to the other person, that their kids HAVE to come first! Any significant other in their life should ABSOLUTELY be able to understand and agree to that-too many narcissistic’s in the world today.
Your dad’s reaction is unfortunate, but not a reflection on the person you are. You seem wonderfully levelheaded; you should not have to eat differently just because she has an issue with it.
Best of luck! ❤️
If he doesn’t show blast a** on facebook or other SM so people know he choosing a girlfriend over his own daughter and go LC or NC
Updateme
NTA, if your dad wants to prioritize his girlfriends feeling over his daughters then so be it. You let him know how you felt about the situation. If he doesn’t show then you probably wanna go LC.
Feel free to ban your father’s GF, but don’t be surprised when your dad also feels banned. Lots of unnecessary drama going on here….
Are you financially dependent on your dad?
NTA. Remind your father that you’re his daughter and she’s his girlfriend. They’re not even married yet.
Tell him that he should think long and hard before he makes a decision he will regret in the years to come. He’s free to not attend your birthday. You can’t force him. But make sure he knows what that will mean moving forward.
If you are not financially dependent on him, you have the option to distance yourself from him since you’re now an adult.
What’s rude is commenting on what someone does with the food on their own plate. She’s a b!t@h. You? NTA.