When I was 14 my dad told my mom he’d been seeing someone else. No warning just the usual we fell out of love line. He left a note and moved out within a week. That woman is now his wife. They married less than a year later
I never forgave him. I never accepted her. The pain didn’t just hit my mom it hit all of us. He dropped a bomb and disappeared. While he built a new life we were left to survive the fallout
I watched my mom fall apart. She barely ate cried herself to sleep whispered apologies for things she didn’t even do. I made dinner helped my little brother with homework learned how to grow up faster than I should have. The man who used to make pancakes on Sundays didn’t even call me on my birthday
Now I’m 27 getting married. I told my dad he could come but his wife isn’t invited. Not out of spite but because that day is about the people who stood by me when everything broke. She wasn’t part of the healing only the damage
He flipped. Said I was being childish and punishing him for ancient history. Gave me an ultimatum invite her or he won’t come. I told him that’s his choice. I’m not bending
He says I’m disrespecting his marriage. But what about the respect he owed my mom when he walked out. When he left her to raise two kids alone. What about the respect he owed me
My mom still flinches when his name comes up. I won’t ask her to sit across from the woman who replaced her while she was still grieving. I’m not going to rewrite history just to make him comfortable
Now he says he’s not coming. That he won’t feel welcome without his wife. But if he wanted to be a part of my life that badly maybe he should have fought harder to stay in it
I’m not asking him to fix anything. Just to understand that not every wound gets patched up. Some still ache. Some things don’t get rewritten with smiles and handshakes
AITA for protecting the one person who never stopped showing up for me?
Comments
People love to cry ancient history when they’re not the ones who lived with the fallout lol. Your pain is valid asf. NTA
NTA good for you. And honestly, I would own the shit he’s saying.
“You’re disrespecting my marriage!”
Fuck yeah I am, get bent.
NTA you handled the situation as best as anyone could . He should be grateful you even offered him an invite to the wedding. Hopefully you go LC/NC becasue he doesn’t seem to care to be in your life honestly
NTAH. He didn’t deserve an invite anyway
NTA, but I honestly can’t believe he’s still in your life at all – you might reexamine that. He sounds horrible.
Also, usual reddit caveat about having security at your wedding.
MY QUESTION: If he’s not in your life, you haven’t forgiven him, your mom still flinches when she hears his name….and you’re not inviting the AP to protect your mom…. why did you invite your dad in the first place?
Tell him you learnt all about disrespecting marriages from him.
At least you have the balls be honest about the past and how it impacted you, your mum, and sibling while he’s living in a fantasy land where its all ok now because its in ‘the past’.
He’s made his choice, and it wasn’t you. Let him sit with that.
NTA
👏 bravo, I’m glad to read about someone that is actually standing by their morals! Too many of these stories are “be the bigger person, family helps family, or, you need to get over it and move on… (no you don’t), your dads actions have consequences and he has no one to blame but himself. Congratulations on your wedding- I wish you both the best! NTA.
His marriage isn’t respectable though…he was seeing her when he was married to someone else (your mom who will be there!)
Tell him you don’t respect his choices or his marriage. Easy peasy don’t feel bad
Not coming? OK, thanks for letting me know. Bye.
NTA trash took itself out.
NTA, accept his ultimatum and block him. He made his choice again to pick her.
Why would you even invite him, mate? Sorry he put you through this. Your loyalty to your Mum is admirable. NTA.
NTA
I probably would’ve done the same thing
He should feel lucky he was even invited. I wouldn’t have even sent an invite. Good on you for having your mom’s back! Your wedding will be better without him to cause discomfort for those you love and deserve to be there.
If mom still flinches, why even invite Dad at all?
NTA – why did you invite him???
Nta. “I’m giving your marriage more respect than you gave your first one.”
He is lucky you even invited him. Tell him to decline like any other guest. He is not part of your story and the sooner he figures it out the better it will be for everyone.
NTA. He doesn’t get to come. And I would completely cut him out of my life.
So he is isn’t coming? Great! He really should not have been invited. He obviously has no problem missing out on the major events of your life.
The fact that your thinks it’s ancient history speaks volumes. Because it’s a present issue to you, not history.
NTA
NTA. Your father just expects you to sweep everything under the rug like nothing’s happened. Good for you telling him no to bringing his wife and that he won’t come. Like you said, he wants you to respect him and his 2nd wife. What, he wants to shove everything in your mother’s face? If he’s not coming, so be it. Have your mother walk you down the aisle and show everyone how much she means to you.
You were being kind by inviting him at all
I would consider not inviting your Dad to the wedding. It honestly sounds like he is the problem, not his wife. For wedding invites, if a person is married I do think the etiquette is for their partner to be able to attend. It sounds like your Dad hasn’t really matured and his presence on its own will be aggravating especially if he is sulking the whole time.
Don’t you love it when trash takes itself out! Good for you for your honesty and unwavering support of your mother. NTA
NTA. People get divorced. Love dies. I get it. But your dad had no right to just abandon you like he did.
NTA. Win/win. Neither of them will ruin Your day.
NTA.
‘The invitation to you was a courtesy. You stopped being my dad a long time ago. It was a polite request to attend not a summons. I have noted your decline of the invitation.’
NTA, though frankly I don’t even know why you would have wanted him there in the first place. If your mother can’t hear his name without flinching, why subject her to him for the whole day of your wedding?
NTA- He chose to be with his AP. You chose NOT to be with his AP. Best wishes on your upcoming nuptials. Do have security at your wedding, please.
UpdateMe!
Why would you let HIM come? He did the hurting. Letting him come and then denying the affair partner does not really punish him — at all. He gets to lord about as the “father”.
NTA, Ancient history for your Dad!! Life altering traumatic event for you.
NTA
IF your wedding day is about the people who stood by you when everything broke, then why invite your Dad in the first place?
What an absolute queen you are. Your poor little man, child of a Dad, didn’t see you grew up. Imagine being so oblivious to any body else that he thinks he can walk around like he had acted like a massive douche bag.
Enjoy your wedding, toast your Mum for doing a bang up job with you. She deserves it.
Tell him he’s not invited either and let your mom have the day.
NTA but he still is. This is YOUR day. He respects it or doesn’t come. You don’t need to bend to his will on your wedding day.
Good for you! He can stay home with his wife and you will have your family with you! Your mom and your brother
UpdateMe!
Hell no, I wouldn’t even have invited your sperm donor. He doesn’t deserve to be there even without his wh0re wife. Imagine how your mother will feel if he attends. I would rescind his invitation.
“After further consideration “dad” I’ve decided you are not welcome at my wedding. Someone who refused to honor his own wedding vows doesn’t deserve to be at my wedding.
I’d say have a good life, but I wouldn’t mean it. Don’t ever contact me again.”
NTA. Your dad did it to himself.
NTA. Really, you shouldn’t have ever considered inviting him either. Be loyal and supportive to your Mom. She deserves it. Don’t even send an invite. Anyone who tries to give you shite about it…let it roll off.
NTA
Your dad was horrible and cruel…
he doesn’t regret his actions and shouldn’t be invited to your wedding…
Going no contact would support your mother and your future happiness.
With everything you said and how it affected everyone as it did, he doesn’t need the invitation period.
NTA – if anything, I don’t get why you are inviting him in the first place? SHE is not the ‘homewrecker’, HE IS, and she is just the by-product and accomplice.
NTA, you are right and stick to your decision. Whoever hits forgets whoever gets hit never forgets. Always have people by your side who care about you.
NTA
NTA
But I don’t see why you’re only excluding his wife. She’s not the problem. Since he abandoned you like that, I don’t see why you invited him at all.
NTA He’s sounds like he was an absent father once he got with his AP, so why would you want him at your wedding anyway? Take his absence as a blessing.
If that’s how you feel -I’m not saying you’re wrong – why are you inviting your dad? He certainly wasn’t there for you after the breakup
Is it just to spite his wife?
NTA. I wouldn’t have invited him in the first place. I hope your mom is walking you down the aisle.
Don’t worry about them!! It’s obvious he cares more about her than you!!
NTA but literally I went through the same thing with my dad except the woman he cheated with and eventually married was my mom’s best friend. He was invited to my wedding, she was not. He has not spoken to me since (it’s been 15 years). Just be prepared that it might ruin the relationship with your dad. For what it’s worth, I don’t regret my choice, I just wish I knew beforehand that’s what would happen.
Why did you tell him he could come?
Your dad can kick rocks.
NTA I’m surprised you even wanted him there , him being alone would be bad enough. With regard you disrespecting his marriage , he disrespected his wife his vows and destroyed his family !! In fact I’d rescind his invite just so he knows you are the one who doesn’t want him there and not him boycotting in support of his mistress and your mum will enjoy it more knowing he’s not there . Hope you and you mum have an amazing day
NTA you were nice for even inviting him. Considering he basically abandoned you when he left.
You have to love the hypocrisy of people. “Respecting his marriage,” like he and his wife respected his and your mother’s marriage?
Riiiiiight!
He left his marriage and kids, not surprised he won’t show for the wedding.
Either way OP, enjoy your day. Build your new family. Congratulations!
Why do you want him there on your big day? Celebrate the parent that was there for you. Let your mom walk you down the aisle; dance your first dance with her. Live your best life.
“…punishing him for ancient history.”
Ancient history for him was a week later. You’re NTA.
Congrats, maybe this finally brings you a sense of closure, while looking out for your mom.
Your dad is a major AH. I would tell him don’t come and leave it at that. Forget your kid’s birthday is unacceptable. His is no dad . He is a deplorable and shouldn’t attend . Is he paying for the reception ?
I wouldn’t have invited him in the first place.
NTA have your mum walk you down the aisle.
NTA. You were more than generous in inviting the man and he made his choice. He choose another women over his kid, AGAIN. He has shown you who he is, believe him this time. Many people get divorced and stay involved with their kids. Stop wasting your time and heartache over that waste of a man. Build your new life and leave him totally behind. He is just mad because his selfish ass is being called out for his crap.
NTA, take care of your mom; no need to be sorry for taking her side over your “step mom’s”. If your father doesn’t understand that, it is NOT your fault. Have him look at this reddit; might help.
NTA for wanting to protect your mom (although I’m not sure how you think you’re doing that?) and your feelings about the past are valid, but it doesn’t change what happened or who you all are now. By your reasoning (She wasn’t part of the healing only the damage.) you should also not invite your dad. Whatever the past circumstances are that brought your dad and his wife together doesn’t change the fact that they are now a unit…and your dad is the one who was wrong (he was in a marriage, that is HIS responsibility). YTA for forever wanting to hold this against and over your dad’s head and wanting to “punish” him. Either cut contact all together or get over it.
I honestly don’t understand, based on your post, why you invited him at all. He hasn’t been there for you, not in any way, since you were 14. Why invite him to your wedding?
Feeling as strong as you do is reason enough to not invite him.
Why would you even want him there? Etiquette rules assume all the people involved are well mannered. If people are jerks/rude, you don’t have to be “nice”.
He’ll never get it and is certain he didn’t do anything won’t. Don’t waste your breath trying to get him to understand. He won’t.
The trash took itself out.
Not sure why he’s even invited either. He’s just as guilty as she is for the fallout.
Not at all. I wouldn’t have invited him at all.
NTA: the dildo of consequences rarely arrived lubed and your dad just found out. He’s still as selfish as day he left. It’s his choice to attend or not attend and that’s all you tell his side of family. I would consider letting your Mom walk you down the aisle because he vacated the position.
You have enough on your plate with the upcoming wedding without having to contend with ultimatums. If he insists that he won’t come without his wife, tell him he will be missed. NTA.
Let him sit it out.
His actions have consequences.
And please note, his pride and ego are more important to him than your feelings.
It sucks, but that’s the truth. Don’t be surprised if he sends flying monkeys from his side of the family to shame you into dealing with him. Uninvited then too.
“Dad, you’re nothing but a constant disappointment.”
Have your mom walk you down the aisle.
NTA
You owe his affair partner absolutely nothing. If he wanted you to accept her he should not have went about things the way he did. You are not responsible for his actions, nor are you responsible for saving him from the consequences of those actions.
Him not being there is probably a blessing in disguise. Enjoy your wedding with the parent who stayed. Don’t worry about him for another second. Men like that will never take accountability or own up to what they did. They expect forgiveness without ever apologizing.
Why should you respect his marriage to the affair partner when he couldn’t even respect his own marriage to your mother.
NTA
Sounds like your wedding would be a lot more peaceful if he didn’t go. Consider uninviting him.
NTA – it never fails to amaze me when the people that cheat therefore breaking up a family, seem to think that the fall out stops with their ex partner – but when your lives are entwined, it reaches out to everyone.
You not only had is from your dad’s abandonment of you as a child, but you also got to see the ugly truth of what the betrayal did to your mom. Not to mention the age you were. Old enough to understand everything but too young to have any control over the situation.
I think go and enjoy the day with your family, you dad made his choice, twice, and he has put his feelings about things far and above anyone else’s including yours.
This is your wedding day, it’s a shame your father will not be there to celebrate it with you, but that’s far better than you spending the entire day waiting for your mom to break down or for someone to say something that will trigger a scene.
It may also be cathartic to you to write your dad a letter regarding the whys. Get it all out – try not to be aggressive but let him know that what he did seriously effected everyone – not just your mum, and you were her main support.
Make sure you stress that you mum couldn’t care less now (even if thats not true, but they don’t get to know that). Its the day where you are beginning a marriage. Although you were going to invite him, because he’s your father, that does NOT mean that you want her there.
The idea that you would want her (as the individual who fractured your family and destroyed a marriage) is going to sit there as if she belongs, while you make the same vows they both shat all over.
The fact that they can’t see that would be MASSIVELY hypocritical is amazing. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, and actions – even historic ones – shape all of our relationships.
Hope you have a wonderful day and that your mom enjoys the occasion, make sure she get up dancing!
Mom, has done a great job with you. So proud to hear a great story like this. Good luck with your future, I’m sure you will be fine👏👏👏👏
NTA he left, he sounds like he was barely there for you anyway.
To be honest with you…. Do you really want him there anyway?
Do you really want your photos to have that man in them?
NTA – it is your wedding and you get to decide who comes and who does not. If he cannot see why having her there is inappropriate then he probably should not be there either. Good luck
Real funny of him to bring up disrespecting marriages lmao. NTA and tbh I think you’re being extremely sweet and generous for even thinking of him. My petty dumbass would’ve sent him a note afterwards telling him I got married.
Let him know that you’re putting you and your family first. He left all of you once for that woman whats another day of him not showing up because of her? You’re also the furthest thing from childish seeing as you had to grow up fast and pick up where your mom couldn’t while all of you dealt with your world flipping upside down when he left. I’ve noticed with parents that act like that they don’t start to actually listen and show remorse until they’re UNDER rock bottom. He knows what he’s done and how it’s affected all of you but at the moment he’s decided his pride is bigger than all that. He wants to brush his wrong doing off and just be all smiles. You’ve told him your conditions if he wants to come. If he doesn’t like it then it sucks to suck. It’s your wedding. Not his. His greedy ass already had two.
It’s your wedding!! Enjoy it with those who stuck by you! See it as a new chapter for you and your family. Congratulations by the way!!!
Why should he be allowed to participate he is the one who caused this mess. You can’t just forgive him and blame her.
He had a choice, come without her or don’t come. He chose “don’t come” – where is the problem?
You had your conditions, he had his conditions, him not coming is the overlap. Nobody needs to be mad, it’s all within reason…
I wouldn’t have even invited him
Nta
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Best wishes for a happy marriage and life. Surround yourself with those who support and love you unconditionally. Celebrate your values concerning love, marriage, and the respect of commitment.
Your dad, sadly, is the same person who walked out the door and didn’t look back. People like him see non action and time as penance. No real accountability. He doesn’t care about making your wedding day about you. He doesn’t care if you feel comfortable or happy or prioritized. He is his priority.
SRSLY?
i dont even understand why you post it over here…. Im proud of you tho… you are not the AH
Nope. He’s not necessary. Move on.
NtA. He sounds like a toxic manchild.
YTA. If it was about your mom, why would dad have been invited in the first place. This is about you being mad and trying to spite your father. Pretty sad to use your own wedding to try and create such petty drama.
NTA but I think you should consider separating his behavior after he left from the feelings of divorcing your mother.
People aren’t required to stay in marriages however they should be judged on the amount of love , support and not being a general AH to their children and ex spouse .
My parents divorced and quite frankly it was far better than them being miserable together. My father never said a bad word about my mother but had plenty of reasons to do so . Showing how to end a relationship is a life lesson that far too many never learn
Your wedding and YOUR wedding invitation list. End of story!
NTA. I’m glad he isn’t coming; he’s not worth the cost of dinner at the reception.
I wouldn’t even have invited him. I know my dad isn’t coming to my wedding, even if we hashed things out and were on better terms. A wedding is a celebration or union, of making vows and keeping them, of respect and love. My dad failed my mom, why would I want that represented at my wedding?
If he doesn’t like that she’s not invited he can stay home with her because he’s a cheater too.
NTA . Your father should understand completely why this is playing out like this.
NTA. I wouldn’t have even invited him.
NTA-Just to make him feel like shit because he’s an asshole, I would have my mother walk you down the aisle.
NTA.
Cheaters like to forget that when they betray their partners they alsi betray their children. He did you a favor. Do you REALLY want him there? Congratulations on the upcoming wedding! Uninvite your dad, get security because your dad will show up and make a scene, and have a fabulous time with your mom and your new spouse!
NTA, but also don’t expect your father to show up. You are absolutely allowed to hate and have no contact with your father’s wife, but she IS his wife which means if she isn’t welcome he probably won’t feel welcome either and that’s his choice to make.
>He says I’m disrespecting his marriage
Abso-fucking-lutely!! It deserves NO respect in the first place. What possible place do either of them have at your wedding? He’s a cheating, backstabbing shitbag who abandoned his family, and she’s a homewrecking ho-bag who knowingly helped destroy a marriage AND was totally fine with him abandoning his kids.
Fuck ’em both, and let this be the death knell of your “relationship.”
NTA. You can fix it by uninviting him and not let him live in your head rent free anymore. It sounds like he never acknowledged how much damage he caused you it been a part of your life after he left, so why give him the honor of attending a moment reserved for people you live and have been a part of your life. If your mother is still feeling the effects of the divorce, she should go to therapy to properly heal from it and enjoy her life.
NTA. He refuses to see how his actions hurt his family and has made no attempts to continue in your lives. His wife helped break up your parent’s marriage. Let them both wallow in their own misery together, but not at your wedding or anywhere near your life.
He wants to complain that you’re disrespecting his marriage when he disrespected his marriage to your mom first? He needs to choke on his audacity! You aren’t the AH. I’m with everyone else who says you will likely be better off without him at your wedding. Good luck!
Nope. You are right on target. Sounds like he hasn’t changed much at all since then. Still ALL about him. He FAFO so if he can’t show up again, it’s just history repeating itself.
Enjoy your day, and love those you care most about.
NTA. However, I don’t see why you would want him there when his presence will most probably cause your mother pain. I would disinvite him and hire security to make sure he (and his wife?) aren’t allowed in.
NTA but why even invite him?
NTA.. Your father: Cheats on mother. Abandons your entire family to fend for yourselves while he starts a new life with all of you in the rearview mirror. Ignores his kids birthdays. Also your father: Accuses you of being childish, punishing him, disrespecting his marriage, gives you an ultimatum.
Plain and simple… Tell him, “Let’s be clear. You don’t have a right to give ultimatums. That ended when you abandoned me and (sibling). Your accusations are as ironic as they are hypocritical. Taking your words and your obvious lack of remorse for all you have done, don’t bother coming. You’re no longer welcome. Have a nice life.”
He’s a sperm donor. He’s no father. Your mother filled both rolls for you and you helped fill the roll for your sibling. .. Congrats on your upcoming wedding. Best wishes!
Hell no you’re NTA. He’s horrible! Good for you for standing up and shielding your mother from his disgusting behavior. He’s a sperm donor at this point, nothing else.
NTA. Good riddance! It’ll be much better he doesn’t attend anyway. Save that space for someone else who values you.
People love to play the victim like their actions didn’t cause deep emotional pain.
Why would you want him in the first place if he never showed up for you when you wanted?
>He says I’m disrespecting his marriage
He is too precious, ain’t he? When he clearly knows, the marriage is a disrespect to all of you.
NTA
Good for you for standing by your mom.
Congratulations and best wishes for your marriage.
Why was a guy who literally gave you all a dear Jon letter and bounced even invited.. I would have forgotten he drew breath, if he’d called I’d have said “who dis?.. Don’t call here no more” and hung up.
Why was he even given an invite? How could you waste quality card stock on such a creature…
NTA. He’s lucky he got an invite at all. Ironic for him to talk about someone disrespecting his marriage when he was the one who disrespected his marriage with your mother. It’s easy to call something “ancient history” when he wasn’t the one who got burned. You don’t get to hurt people & give them a timeline in which they should “get over it”. He’s the one who disrupted the family peace and quite literally chose his new wife over his original family. He couldn’t even be bothered to call you on your birthday. Him not showing up would be him choosing her over you AGAIN & tbh you don’t owe him anything. He’ll be the c one minding out. If he chooses not to go, he’ll have to deal with whatever comes after that. ABSOLUTELY NTA !!
You’re directing your feelings at the wrong person. Yes, your stepmother was complicit, but your father is the one who cheated and destroyed your family. You even said your mom flinches when she hears his name. HE is the person who should not be invited.
Also, this happened 13 years ago. While you both have every reason to contimue to be upset about the damage done, to still be flinching just at the mention of someone’s name after such a long period indicates to me that there hasn’t been any healing or growth in that time. Did either of you have counseling? It seems like it’s still needed.
NTA, simply rescind his apology and honestly op… I’d just cut him off entirely moving forward. I hate to say it but since he’s a piece of shit he won’t be too broken up about it. You do not owe this guy anything, and he owes you everything if he wants to be included in your life.
NTA. Your sperm donor is an asshole. Take lots of pictures. Post the one of your mom walking you down the aisle. You don’t need this poor excuse of a father. Celebrate your happiness without the asshole on your wedding day
NTA. Your dad made his choice and was lucky to have even gotten an invite for what he did to you and your family. I wish you peace and happiness on your special day!
Honestly, why is he even invited? NTA.
NTA.He ignored his marriage vows to your mother but he wants you to acknowledge his affair partner/wife and his marriage to her. So all of a sudden vows are important to him. He’s a hypocrite. Let him not come it’s not like he brings anything but broke promises and demands.
Honestly, I don’t understand why you even invited him, if he cannot even bother with the bare basic – like reaching out for a birthday, or decades of them.
Usually I bow to etiquette that says that if people are married, they both get invited. I think your invitation was more along the lines of, I could forgo the pair of you, but as my father, I will allow just you to come, if you want. If you don’t, that’s fine, too.
You’re disrespecting his marriage? I really can’t believe he actually has the gall to utter those words with a straight face and sincerity. Honestly, it would be more disrespectful to your marriage than it could possibly be to his contract with a side piece. He made his choice.
Your mom deserves his absence for her own peace.
NTA
No notes!🤗 Congrats on ur wedding!🎉 NTA💐
You should tell him exactly what you said here.
NTA
NTA. Sounds like a win if he doesn’t show up. Won’t your mom be more comfortable that way?
nta
Don’t leave it up to him, cut him out of your life like he did to you.
NTA – Why would you even want him at your wedding?
NTA
His marriage doesn’t seem to mean anything to him, since he disrespected his own previous marriage too.
NTA. How horrible that you went through that.
Respect is a big word your dad doesnt understand. You are a bigger person than me, I would have sent him a picture after the fact with a note “glad you werent here “
You said,”…that day is about the people who stood by me when everything broke.” He’s the one the “broke” your world and your family so why are you even inviting him? Lots of people here seem to be putting the blame mostly on the mistress, but it takes two to tango. Both of them are to blame. You’re not disrespecting his marriage, he disrespected his first marriage and his family. If he wants forgiveness, that’s for yall to work out on your terms but a wedding is not the place for that. He needs to wait til after the wedding before trying to make amends with you. He lost all rights to walk you down the aisle. NTA
Nta. With people like this you essentially have to Gray Rock them. If they make a statement like well if you do this I’m not going to come all you have to say is “okay. You will be missed.” Then leave it at that. There is no going back and forth or getting these people to understand. This is the man who literally wrote a note to your mom and didn’t even try to apparently maintain a relationship with his children
NTA. Who is he to talk about disrespect towards marriage when he cheated on his wife and then left her for another? That’s disrespect and honestly since he can’t respect marriage I wouldn’t want him there at the start of mine.
I wouldn’t even have told him I was getting married. Do you honestly think that your mother will be joyful when she has to see him there? Have some empathy for her. YTA for inviting him.