So my dad is unfortunately still having kids at the big age of 63 lol. He already has two adult children: my brother (30M) and myself (27F). Both of us have kids of our own. He randomly texted my brother and I in a group chat several nights ago to say that he feels left out of his grandchildren’s lives. Both my brother and I have very active in laws who are retired. We are very grateful to have village that lives close by. Our mom also is an active grandma as well. Recently my in laws, my brother’s in laws, our mom and the kids went on a vacation. Of course I posted pics on social media. I do that for all of my trips. Well, I’m pretty sure this is what my dad was referring to when he claims he feels left out. My brother is a non confrontational kinda guy and didn’t reply. We had our own side conversion. I individually texted my dad and said I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s really not our fault. I reminded him that he has two kids under the age 2, he lives over an hour away from all of us, and instead of being a grandpa at this stage of his life, he made the decision to start completely over. He told me that we are intentionally leaving him out because we don’t like his wife. We don’t really care for his wife, I won’t lie. Regardless of not liking his wife, it’s not our jobs to make sure he has a relationship with his grandkids. He also started rambling about how we don’t make an effort with our half siblings and how he wants all of his kids to be tight knit. I told him that if he wanted us to have that type of relationship, he should’ve had us kids within a reasonable time frame. That he can’t expect siblings that are married with families of their own to be close with a toddler and a baby that don’t live close by. I just wanted to get some outside opinions. My friends and family say I said nothing wrong, but I do feel kinda bad because my dad never responded after my last message. I’m positive I hurt his feelings. What do y’all think? AITA in this situation?
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So my dad is unfortunately still having kids at the big age of 63 lol. He already has two adult children: my brother (30M) and myself (27F). Both of us have kids of our own. He randomly texted my brother and I in a group chat several nights ago to say that he feels left out of his grandchildren’s lives. Both my brother and I have very active in laws who are retired. We are very grateful to have village that lives close by. Our mom also is an active grandma as well. Recently my in laws, my brother’s in laws, our mom and the kids went on a vacation. Of course I posted pics on social media. I do that for all of my trips. Well, I’m pretty sure this is what my dad was referring to when he claims he feels left out. My brother is a non confrontational kinda guy and didn’t reply. We had our own side conversion. I individually texted my dad and said I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s really not our fault. I reminded him that he has two kids under the age 2, he lives over an hour away from all of us, and instead of being a grandpa at this stage of his life, he made the decision to start completely over. He told me that we are intentionally leaving him out because we don’t like his wife. We don’t really care for his wife, I won’t lie. Regardless of not liking his wife, it’s not our jobs to make sure he has a relationship with his grandkids. He also started rambling about how we don’t make an effort with our half siblings and how he wants all of his kids to be tight knit. I told him that if he wanted us to have that type of relationship, he should’ve had us kids within a reasonable time frame. That he can’t expect siblings that are married with families of their own to be close with a toddler and a baby that don’t live close by. I just wanted to get some outside opinions. My friends and family say I said nothing wrong, but I do feel kinda bad because my dad never responded after my last message. I’m positive I hurt his feelings. What do y’all think? AITA in this situation?
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> I said some harsh things to my dad in our texts. Maybe I could’ve said it in a nice way.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Sorry for the long paragraph everyone. I should’ve broken it up in two parts.
Could him and his family have come on the trip? That’s a good way to spend time with each other right? If you really don’t like his wife and don’t want to ruin your vacation I get it! Your message does sound like you harbor some anger and resentment towards him though. Play dates with your kids and half siblings would only be a 30 minute drive to meet in the middle…. Relationships take both sides putting energy in and your kids can’t do that on their own yet I am guessing. Hard to say if YTA without more info! Good luck
NTA. You told the truth, and your dad needed to hear it. But if you value any relationship with him at all, you could soften it by reaching out again
NTA
You’re not the asshole for giving your dad a reality check. He can’t expect to have an active role in your kids’ lives when he chose to start a new family and lives so far away, and your in-laws and mom have been the ones to step up.
It’s understandable that he feels left out, but that’s a natural consequence of his decisions, not a result of you intentionally excluding him, and it’s not your job to manage his feelings or change your family’s dynamic just to accommodate his feelings. yikes.
So you’re excluding him to punish him for starting a new family later in life. YTA
Why do you even bother to include him in your social media except to rub his nose in your disdain for him and his personal choices?
NTA. This man wants to snap his fingers and have everyone in his family close to him without putting in any effort or facing any consequences for his actions. How close did he imaging you and your brother would be to your half-siblings if they’re 30 years younger than you?
I think YTA. Include him and his second family sometimes. The little ones might grow up with your kids and be close.
ESH – Him for obvious reasons, you for not even bothering to extend an invite. Next time put the ball in his court, so he has to come to terms with the fact that having his “new family” at 63 prevents him from doing everything that he wants
INFO: Do you invite your father over to spend time with your kids? Do you offer to go places where all the kids would enjoy for an afternoon?
I mean, the fact that he thinks two married 30 year olds should have a relationship with their minor age siblings tells you all you need to know about his rationale thinking. My guess is he wants you to babysit his kids under the guise of bonding. Regardless your dad seems to think all kids are the same regardless of age. NTA.
I am going to say NTA but out of curiousity do y’all meet up for holidays at at all? Or general family events outside of big trips?
Are your kids close in age to your half siblings so he could coordinate a playdate between the baby aunts/uncles and nieces/nephews?
I think the same way he is busy being a parent he needs to acknowledge you are also being a parent, and he will need to put the effort in as well.
I think he can have his feelings because it probably does suck to see, but I think jumping straight in to making it seem like the onus is on y’all to manage his feelings vs him trying to coordinate something since everyone are adults.
NTA. If he wants a relationship, he should make the effort.
Hard to judge without any background, are you rlwtong to say he isn’t able to be a grandpa because he decided to start over? No, you aren’t. And 2 grown people with kids aren’t going to have a close relationship with a toddler and a baby like he wants
However, we don’t actually know if you are excluding him. Relationships do take 2 people
Have you invited him on this trip, or have you never asked him? I assume there is no bad blood from your dad’s divorce, or you do harbour feelings. This is the quesion you need to ask yourself did you ask him to go and he rejected or you never invited him in the first place….
I would not ask to go on a trip if I was not invited
ESH, relationships take effort on both sides.
My own dad said it’s “not worth the effort” to travel and see us. He has met his grandson twice. The kid is 2.
NTA.
NTA: he is a grown ass man. He could initiate connections.
It’s the same old saying…Girl if he wanted to he would.
The other family members have let their actions speak. They ARE involved.
I have 50 cents that says he is looking for some free babysitting via you.
I personally would say, NTA. General public may say differently because of the admitted dislike for the children’s mother. His wife probably knows you’re not fond of her, and/or returns the sentiment. I can assume she’s younger.
Your father was asking you to facilitate the meetings was him putting the responsibility on you out of the few options. His wife won’t do it, why would someone want to be around people who don’t like them. And men tend to get lazy around plan making. He saw a loop where they “could have been” included and since it was your trip, tried to guilt into inserting them into your existence. Maybe to get help, maybe to be able to pawn the kids off; who knows. I wouldn’t like the manipulation. I would say your father is the AH for the attempt.
NTA. Everyone gets to make their choices. But making choices doesn’t exempt one from others making their own choices as a result.