I’m 18M and about to leave for college. My dad used to be very mean to me, my sister and my mom, but he’s gotten a bunch therapy over the last year and is significantly less so. He still doesn’t live with us anymore though. But even without that history, his personality now is kind of like that of a wet slice of bread. I honestly don’t think he really has that much interesting to talk about these days now that being angry is no longer an available conversation topic. He’s on the Internet too much and he doesn’t really get out of his house except to work.
Nowadays, he asks me frequently if I’d like to spend time with him. And let me know if I’m a jerk for this, but I almost always try to find a way to politely say no (“Sorry I’m working on a project with my friend tonight”, “I’m really tired from yesterdays’ _____”).
I wish he would try to find more friends to hang out with so that I didn’t have to bear the responsibility of “If you don’t spend time with your dad he’ll just sit on the couch.”
AITA for not trying harder?
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I’m 18M and about to leave for college. My dad used to be very mean to me, my sister and my mom, but he’s gotten a bunch therapy over the last year and is significantly less so. He still doesn’t live with us anymore though. But even without that history, his personality now is kind of like that of a wet slice of bread. I honestly don’t think he really has that much interesting to talk about these days now that being angry is no longer an available conversation topic. He’s on the Internet too much and he doesn’t really get out of his house except to work.
Nowadays, he asks me frequently if I’d like to spend time with him. And let me know if I’m a jerk for this, but I almost always try to find a way to politely say no (“Sorry I’m working on a project with my friend tonight”, “I’m really tired from yesterdays’ _____”).
I wish he would try to find more friends to hang out with so that I didn’t have to bear the responsibility of “If you don’t spend time with your dad he’ll just sit on the couch.”
AITA for not trying harder?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I continuously say no thanks to hanging out with my dad. 2. I’m pretty sure sons are supposed to hang out with their dads if their dads are trying to be nicer, so I might be an asshole for not trying to mend the relationship.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Life is going to be very hard if people are never allowed room to improve.
Like do what you want, but he’s making the effort to do better by doing stuff like going to therapy, which is more than most people can say.
>his personality now is kind of like that of a wet slice of bread
>He’s on the Internet too much and he doesn’t really get out of his house except to work
Sounds like depression.
And define “very mean?” Because as a former teenager, teenagers are not always the most reliable narrators.
NTA
If you did want to try with your dad – movies are a good option. But you don’t have to. He hurt you for most of your childhood. Also what he does if uou don’t spend time with him is not your concern. At all.
Has he actually apologized or has he just started therapy and stopped being so mean? Apologizing and making amends is necessary to have a chance of moving on – and it may be too little too late.
If it’s no skin off your back I think it’s be nice to spend a little time with him, especially considering you’re off to college soon so this isn’t a long term obligation. It’s kind of an inflection point where a small kindness here and there could have a big impact on your long term relationship or lack thereof. I know you don’t value the relationship right now, but you might in the future and it would be nice to have something to build on.
You’re not the AH. Given the history, it’s understandable that you don’t feel super close or eager to hang out, even if he’s changed. It’s hard to suddenly flip into “quality time” mode after years of hurt, and you’re not obligated to be his main source of social interaction. That said, you might feel better in the long run if you’re honest instead of just dodging maybe tell him you appreciate the effort but still need space, especially before leaving for college. It’s okay to protect your boundaries and acknowledge his growth.
NTA. If you want to work on this relationship, stop making excuses and start examining the exact reasoning behind you avoiding your dad. He started putting in the work – good for him! This doesn’t mean you have to forgive him or bond with him.
NAH. He’s making an effort, and you’re being honest about your own needs. The key is balance, you don’t have to see him often, but shutting him out completely could cause regret later.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to be his friend or make repairs. It’s also very normal for an 18 year old to have their own life. It could however be a nice idea (but again not your responsibility) to suggest an activity to do together with a very specific time frequency, and one that a) you also enjoy and would do without him and b) involves more doing things and not just idle talk. Like, I can’t hang out with you whenever but we can go bowling together every other Wednesday evening.
Many adult child/parent relationships I know have standing times for seeing each other and don’t really outside of that (like every Sunday for lunch). It could be helpful for both of you to have some clear expectations and boundaries. Still, NTA.
NTA. You owe him nothing.
NTA. Sometimes people have to lie in the bed that they made. Good for him on trying to get better, but you’re not obligated to hang out with him.
NTA. You’re not responsible for an adult’s feelings unless you’re intentionally hurting them… like he used to do to you and the rest of your family frequently. It doesn’t sound like he’s apologized yet, and he is still in the healing process, so there’s going to be rough patches while he adapts and moves on.
You’re responsible for yourself first, the rest of the family who are good to you second, him maybe a distant 3rd. If you really don’t have the energy to spend around him, don’t engage.
“I already have plans.”
NTA
So this is new right? Your dad is trying to be a new person and you probably didn’t talk a lot in the past.
So, have you tried asking your dad about himself at your age? What leaving home was like for him, what his dreams were, what went wrong, or right? What his fears were?
Like, I think most people are fairly boring when you don’t know what your shared interests are. I don’t think that’s a reason to not get to know them. Its just a matter of creating opportunities to find out their interests and experiences and see where you intersect.
Instead of blowing off your dad, try to get to know him. If nothing else, its practice for the rest of your life.
YTA. You are not giving the man a chance. He went to therapy to improve himself and his relationships and now you won’t give him a chance. People can change; you are about to move on with adulthood. Act like an adult and spend time with your dad before you leave.
NTA. He killed a lot of love, trust and goodwill being mean to all of you and he can’t just expect you all to forgive him or spend time with him. Just do what feels right to you.
NTA. You’re not responsible for your dad’s social life, and it’s okay to set boundaries around your time, especially as you get ready for college. It’s reasonable to politely say no if you don’t feel like hanging out.
NTA, but I would recommend being honest with him and also check in with yourself. Is it difficult to be around him because of his history with your family? Is it just his personality?
Consider telling him you appreciate him going to therapy, you may be open to more of a relationship with him, but you aren’t ready yet. Tell him it also makes it harder because he doesn’t do much beyond be online and you think he should talk to his therapist about making friends and socializing with others.
It’s a lot to ask of someone who’s 18, but it may help him move in a healthier direction. Obviously you don’t owe him that, but communicating directly is a good habit to be in for your future relationships.
FWIW, I have a step father with anger issues, it’s hard. I still feel it in every conversation… our shared history. Wish you well.
you are taking for granted your dads intentions. you said you didnt like him when he was angry, and now you dont like him when hes normal. if hanging with your dad is gut wrenching and exhausting then figure out why, because you are 18 and you feel like this now, but will you still feel like this in 5 years from now?
70% YTA, 30% NTA ratio. Giving him a chance to redeem himself and allowing yourself to forgive is a win win. I mean worst case scenario, he bores you a little but he starts to actually learn what fun could/would be in time, and eventually if you give him the chance you two could have actual bonding moments. Being on your side of this situation, my inability to forgive led me down a path of regret, and the person I didn’t forgive ended up on the wrong side of a rope. It didn’t help and finding out all they wanted to do was be around people they loved hurt worse.
That being said, who you forgive is up to you, but hey, at least he went through therapy to undergo a change in himself… dont let him outdo you 🙂
NTA
It is not your job. It was his, and he botched. He can try when you come back graduated and fully mature adult.
NTA, you’re not obligated to give him your time and energy if you don’t want to. HOWEVER, it sounds like he’s done a lot of work on himself and is wanting and trying to improve his relationship with you. I think you should offer him some grace and allow him the opportunity to do that. It would be a real shame if you missed out on what might blossom into an amazing relationship in the future because you weren’t willing to be uncomfortable or bored temporarily and allow it time to grow.
NTA. Just because he got help for his anger issues doesn’t mean you need to spend time with him, especially if it’s not enjoyable for you. It’s also not your responsibility to give your dad a social life, any more than it was your responsibility to manage his anger. He needs to take responsibility for himself.
I do think its worth checking in with an open mind from time to time, for example if you see him over the holidays. Just because if he does make progress in his healing journey, that could turn into a good relationship for you.
NTA. He has the relationship with you that he curated. He doesnt get to be mad about that now. If he wanted kids who wanted to hang out with him he should have been the kind of dad worth wanting to spend time with.
NAH. You’re dad isn’t doing anything wrong for wanting a relationship with you and you’re right in not being interested in one based on your history.
That being said, my dad never stopped being an angry guy. I still miss him a lot and really regret not spending more time with when I could have.
Go for practical win-win here –
– choose to go visit or do expensive hobbies or activities that you wouldn’t do on your own, think horseback riding are climbing or going to the new mall or film premiere, Comic-Con.
-educate him in something you do like or are interested in, whether your favorite sport, anime or current themes in life right now. In choosing a favorite movie or TV franchise, make it all about that so at least you have something interesting to discuss and really can analyze together. Focus on a hobby or interest of yours to make it valuable for your time, to give you a basis for conversation, and to take the heat off your relationship all the time.
-cut the small talk, and you introduce current topics of depth – yours come about you and your decisions, about life in general, about the havoc that civilization is going through, about climate change, about social media destruction of everyone – whatever you want! But push him, push you into deeper conversation is that you might as well have if you’re spending time together and find out if the guy even has the same values or possibly interest as you. Consider this social practice with difficult people time, your task is to learn how to guide a conversation to be interesting if not useful and valuable, but might as well try those too
What’s really important to you Dad? What do you think about climate change? How should humanity evolve? Have you noticed any trends in these generations X, alpha, boomers? Isn’t it time we get deeper into real conversations Dad, in these crazy times? What are you noticing about how our culture is changing? What kind of art do you like? How come? Is the future the way you thought it would be?
Talk about your biggest lessons in life so far, ask him about his – anything! You can make it as interesting and broad as you want, and just lead him there, he can respond, you can be creative in your asking.
Even if you have to teach him how to be reciprocal about it. 😜
ESH
He sucks for being a j*rk and treating you how he did, but sounds like he’s really trying.
You suck for not being honest with your dad and lying to him. Just have an open conversation.
It’s no excuse for mistreatment but it sounds like your dad was a deeply troubled individual, who sought help and gotten therapy and that’s a very big thing.
YTA. which is why you framed your post the way you did and came to the loser capital of the world, Reddit. The place where a bunch of perpetual teenagers and failures to launch will project their daddy issues onto your situation so they can vicariously tell their dads to fuck off.
I genuinely hope you find the space to heal yourself, and the relationship.
Stop coming to Reddit for practical or mature advice. it’s all people equally as confused or hurt as you
INFO Really depends how mean he was tbh and if you believe he’s a good person deep down or not. It sounds from what you’re saying like he is genuinely trying, so maybe just give it a go? If he’s irredeemable, then fine, but if there’s any part of you that thinks he isn’t then you’ll end up with one of the worst kinds of regret one day for slapping his hand away. I think only you can really know.