Hello, English is not my first language so please dont mind any spelling mistakes!…
So I (21F) needed an outside opinion about a discussion my dad and I had, for context my mother (53) died last year from a short fight against stage 2 cancer, we believed she would be better after the chemo but life had other plans and she died peacfully in our home and my mom did not know she let out her last breath… My dad (66) who could not stand to be alone for the rest of his life has found a girlfriend who he believes he is happy with… It is not that I dont want my dad to be happy but certain things have started to annoy the hell out of me…
For starters my dad basicly makes a point where every celebration his girlfriend has to be part off, like my moms birthday I wanted it to be just my dad, my elder sister, her husband and I, but dad also took his girlfriend with him. Then it was my moms death date (This is something my mom also celebrated with the death date of my grandmother to honor her memory), I again said I just want it to be close family again my dad, elder sister, her husband and I, but my dad again wanted his girlfriend there…
Now comes in a couple of weeks moms and dads 26 year wedding anniversery, last year it was my two older sisters, my dad and I. Just us four celebrating it and it was a moment where we all said that we have to do it only together…. not my elder sisters children, not brother in laws and such… just us four… My sisters and I (my sisters are my half sisters by the way) are against bringing our spouses with us, but now my dad asked on which day it would take place where I said on wednesday. My dad then said that, that is shit because he wanted his girlfriend also to join in, I said that both my sisters and I are against it and just want it to be us four, to which my dad said that he could care less about what I want…
So I not wanting her to be there on another celebration for my mother where we cant even talk normally about my mother because my dads girlfriend does not know her and only looks at her phone all the damn time. So I said that its either going to be us four or we will never celebrate anything again and that only my sisters and I will celebrate without my dad…
Looking back at it and writing it down I think I am kind of an asshole for saying that because I know that my dad loved my mom very much but I cant stand it that he wants to force his girlfriend to join us in celebrating my mom, while I cant even put a damn christmas tree up because my dad does not want to celebrate chirstmas without my mom… or even celebrate christmas at all…. so why do I have to do things I dont want but when it comes to my feelings I just have to deal with it? my dad says I am the asshole for not wanting his girlfriend to join us because he wants to have her there with us.
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Hello, English is not my first language so please dont mind any spelling mistakes!…
So I (21F) needed an outside opinion about a discussion my dad and I had, for context my mother (53) died last year from a short fight against stage 2 cancer, we believed she would be better after the chemo but life had other plans and she died peacfully in our home and my mom did not know she let out her last breath… My dad (66) who could not stand to be alone for the rest of his life has found a girlfriend who he believes he is happy with… It is not that I dont want my dad to be happy but certain things have started to annoy the hell out of me…
For starters my dad basicly makes a point where every celebration his girlfriend has to be part off, like my moms birthday I wanted it to be just my dad, my elder sister, her husband and I, but dad also took his girlfriend with him. Then it was my moms death date (This is something my mom also celebrated with the death date of my grandmother to honor her memory), I again said I just want it to be close family again my dad, elder sister, her husband and I, but my dad again wanted his girlfriend there…
Now comes in a couple of weeks moms and dads 26 year wedding anniversery, last year it was my two older sisters, my dad and I. Just us four celebrating it and it was a moment where we all said that we have to do it only together…. not my elder sisters children, not brother in laws and such… just us four… My sisters and I (my sisters are my half sisters by the way) are against bringing our spouses with us, but now my dad asked on which day it would take place where I said on wednesday. My dad then said that, that is shit because he wanted his girlfriend also to join in, I said that both my sisters and I are against it and just want it to be us four, to which my dad said that he could care less about what I want…
So I not wanting her to be there on another celebration for my mother where we cant even talk normally about my mother because my dads girlfriend does not know her and only looks at her phone all the damn time. So I said that its either going to be us four or we will never celebrate anything again and that only my sisters and I will celebrate without my dad…
Looking back at it and writing it down I think I am kind of an asshole for saying that because I know that my dad loved my mom very much but I cant stand it that he wants to force his girlfriend to join us in celebrating my mom, while I cant even put a damn christmas tree up because my dad does not want to celebrate chirstmas without my mom… or even celebrate christmas at all…. so why do I have to do things I dont want but when it comes to my feelings I just have to deal with it? my dad says I am the asshole for not wanting his girlfriend to join us because he wants to have her there with us.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I said to my dad that I did not want his girlfriend to join us in celebrating my death mom to where he called me an asshole after I said that if she joins in in there wedding anniversary I would not want him to join my halfsisters and I when we celebrate/
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. I understand he may need the support from his new girlfriend, but he also should be aware that this is still a really acute grieving process and bringing in his girlfriend to these intimate family events is doing more harm than good.
NTA, with emphasis that your Dad is the asshole and his girlfriend is doing nothing wrong, really. Must be awkward for her, honestly.
NTA he doesn’t care what you want or think so stop including him. Go without him. He moved on in a year he clearly didn’t love your mother. To bring this woman to her celebrations is so disgusting and beyond the pale, he sickens me. I’m sorry he doesn’t care about any of you
Days like birthdays and anniversaries are difficult in the years after you lose someone. Not everyone deals with those days the same way. For you and your sisters getting together to celebrate feels right. For your dad, at least at the moment, having his GF by him feels right. Id talk to him and tell him that at this point it is really uncomfortable for you (and your sisters can tell him the same if that’s how they feel) to have his GF at your mom’s remeberance days. Make sure he knows it isn’t about her as a person, that you like her a lot, but as she didn’t know mom and wasn’t part of the family when Mom was a alive it feels wrong. Maybe it won’t always feel that way. Maybe as GF is around longer and the loss is further in the past you will feel differently but for now you need to be able to mourn and remember with just immediate family. Maybe you all could work out something like spending the morning at her grave or at one of her favorite places just the family and then meet up with GF and have a meal together. Either way no one is the AH here. Leave room for each of you to grieve how you need to.
NTA. It sounds like your dad is using his girlfriend as a kind of emotional-support-girlfriend for this situations (I take this from your last paragraph that he doesn’t want to celebrat christmas without your mom) so he doesn’t have to face that he lost the love of his life? Honestly suggest therapy for him so he can find closure.
Stand your ground that you don’t won’t the girlfriend at the celebration. But if he needs her there, maybe offer that she can stay in a near by café or another room or so (she is on her phone anyway). That if it is too much for your dad, he can go to her. But he can’t bring her to the celebration itself
ETA. I am a widower like your dad. I can understand both sides of this. While yes it would be nice for him to respect your wishes for it to be just yall. It is also nice that he has someone as a support system that isnt his children. So you all are being selfish.
No your dad is so wrong like a 1000% wrong. She doesn’t need to be there. It’s either just him or he doesn’t join at all
I’m not sure if I say n-a-h or e-s-h or even y-t-a.
You’re all being a little bit selfish and that’s OK. You’re all grieving.
Celebrating together, just the three of you makes YOU AND YOUR SISTER feel better. Having his girlfriend nearby makes HIM feel better. I don’t see why somebody else’s comfort, on an already a difficult day, should outweigh another’s.
Everybody grieves differently and while yes, she was your mother, she was also his life partner for two decades. If having his girlfriend there makes it easier for him then I gotta be honest, I don’t see what the big deal is about having one extra person there to celebrate your mother.
What’s it matter if she knew her or not? What about you or your sister‘s future spouse? Would they not be invited to this annual celebration/dinner in the future because they never got to officially meet her? What if you or your sister choose to have children, they won’t know her in life either. Does that mean they shouldn’t get to celebrate grandma? Where does the exclusion end just because they didn’t get the privilege to meet the woman?