My parents have been “married” for over 30 years now. I say “married” because legally they are married but they broke up when I (24m) was 2. And with that came the living like a kid with divorced parents but they were never formally or officially divorced. The reason? They don’t want to split their assets in a divorce. Argued over it and almost divorced twice but always ended the proceedings because neither wanted to lose in the divorce.
So they remained legally married and operate day to day like divorced people. Both have been in other relationships and when me and my siblings (26m and 27f) were kids they split custody of us. It was always kind of crazy because we’d say we had divorced parents when we didn’t really and on the outside it looks that way. But when you’re close to us you find out for one reason or another.
My mom and dad are both with long term partners now. Both of the partners have issues with the fact they’re still technically with married people and can’t get married to them. My mom’s guy learned fast that me and my siblings didn’t want to hear bitching about that.
My dad’s partner is different. She keeps trying to talk to us about it and speaking for myself, I have tried to be diplomatic and kind but asking her not to drag me into relationship issues. But she refuses to let it go. She wants to cry about it to us and have us say we hate it for her and offer advice or tell her what to do. It’s damn weird since these are our parents she’s bitching about.
Last weekend she cornered me at my grandpa’s birthday and started unloading her frustration on me about it. In a maybe too-harsh way I told her to stop. I said she knew dad was still married when she stated dating him and she had to accept that fact because I’m not here to make that easier on her. I said she was driving me crazy and to shut up already.
She told me I didn’t need to be so uncivil and volatile toward her. And she had a real attitude the rest of the party. Dad asked me about it and I told him everything that happened and he acted like I never said anything. Then she texted and demanded an apology.
AITA?
Comments
NTA
Her expecting sympathy from the kids is fucking insane and her not being respectful to keep you out of it is a huge red flag for dad that he’s oblivious to or ignoring
NTA. You were right in telling her she knew the situation when she got into it.
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NTA. People need to stop thinking that they will change others, then get mad when it doesn’t change. She is even more of an AH and manipulative to try to drag kids into it. Tell her to talk to your dad, you don’t owe her an apology. But she should apologize to you for involving you in matters that don’t include you.
NTA, you’re not her therapist and unloading on you has absolutely no effect on your parent’s marital standing. It’s just annoying. What does she expect? Does she think she can convince you think the same way and use you as leverage to convince your dad to go through with the divorce?? It’s absolutely pointless to complain to you about the situation when you’re the one that has lived through the situation literally your entire life. Maybe she wants to just vent, but you’re not one of her girlfriends. IMO I think she’s trying to get the kids onboard to push the idea of divorce, otherwise why get you involved at all?? I definitely wouldn’t apologize to her if I were you.
NTA
You don’t owe her anything. She should talk to her partner about it or a therapist. I once dated a guy who admitted very late that he was still married. That was it for me. Not your circus.
NTA. She knew the situation when she started a relationship with your father.
Hate her
NTA, you, her step-child(but also not really for reasons we all know), are not at all obligated to be her emotional pillar.
The fact that she’s trying to use you that way is creepy and weird.
I worked with a man in his late 50’s like that. He never divorced his wife, but was in a long term relationship with a woman he lovingly referred to as the “Secretary”. He, however, never divorced, because he didn’t want the mother of his children to lose his insurance benefits
Nta. They are supposed to be the adults. You stood your ground
Tell your dad if she asks you again you’ll just start recommending her to leave your dad if she’s so upset. Maybe then he’ll tell her to back off.
NTA
I think she would stop if you just advise her to break up.
Nta she needs to grow up and leave you alone. What does she think you will do?
NTA
I’m also still married to my husband for the past 13 years and I am very open and honest about it, I am also working on a divorce.
Never has my partners ever been so mad about it to harass my family.
Again nta
To be totally blunt, the issues between your dad & GF are not yours to deal with. It is for the 2 of them to deal with, or not. But NOT you. It’s bad that your dad let this go on so long. As for his GF, she knew the score. She has nobody but herself to blame.
Continue to be blunt with both your dad & his GF about your objections to her complaining to you. It’s not your fucking problem. It’s theirs.
NTA
NTA
She’s a user, alright. She doesn’t have to listen to you telling her to stop, no. But she immediately gets mad when she knows you won’t give in? Let her tangle with your dad, and leave grown up shit to ‘the grownups.’ You told her the truth and she didn’t want to hear it. Too bad, how sad.
She’s barking up the wrong tree, isn’t she? Relentless ankle biter.
NTA – that is a real shit show of a family situation. Sorry that you have such a weird ass family dynamic.
I think it’s time for a non-apology apology
Something like “I’m sorry you’re upset with my parents arraignment, you knew going in his was married would never divorce. You need to stop harassing me and my siblings about this. He will never marry you. Your issue is with our dad. Go bitch to him about it”
You and your siblings should also talk with your dad about her. Tell him “we’re sick of listening to her bitch about the situation. Tell her to grow the fuck up and shut up”
😂 let her “demand” till hell freezes over 🤣
NTA she should be bitching to your dad. It’s not too late for them to get divorced, so she can push for that or move on, none of which involves you.
NTA! It’s not the kid’s job (adult or otherwise) to mediate in their parents’ marital or romantic relationships. Dad’s significant other is WAY off base unloading her frustrations on you. She needs to speak directly to him and either try to find peace in her relationship as it is or move on.
I would just put up my hand, say, “Stop, I’m not your therapist. Go whine to my dad, or leave, then you won’t have to worry about it”. Then walk away.
If she texts, block her. Then I would tell him she needs to stop.
NTA. She knew what the deal was, and chose to be with him, anyway. If she has a problem with your dad not getting a divorce, she needs to either have him get a divorce, or hit the bricks.
“Apparently I do need to be uncivil about it because being civil didn’t make you shut the fuck up and leave me alone. My parents’ marriage is not my problem to solve. I do not want to be involved. Stop trying to involve me.” NTA.
Nope no apology. Tell her to make friends to talk to about this. He is your father. Let it go NTA
NTA. She needs to accept it or move on. Her issue is with YOUR DAD, and she shouldn’t be complaining to other family members or looking for sympathy. You don’t owe her an apology.
At this point, because they’ve been legally married so long, there’s never going to be a settlement; they’re probably just waiting for one of them to die, and the surviving person will inherit their estate.
Neither of them probably WANT to remarry at this point.
If they wanted to, they would. Sometimes your freedom is worth the price of the divorce. They’ve decided it’s not.
Nta. You’re not here to be her friend. Lol.
Did she think that his kids will automatically be friends with her, because she’s been around for so long? I think she did.
Nta
She is assuming he would even marry her. Next time she asks, just ask if he proposed to her? When she says no ( or he won’t because he isn’t divorced) then you can just say than it doesn’t sound like he ever wants to marry you. Because if he won’t divorce my mom he probably won’t ever get married again and put himself in the exact same situation.
You’re good. Don’t apologize. Medicine can taste bad and is hard to swallow but it’s medicine. You likely won’t hear about it again and maybe your dad will man up and get divorced finally. NTA
NTA
No apology from you at all. Text her back that she owes You an apology for trying to drag you into your father’s relationship. You’ve set your clear and firm boundary to stop trying to manipulate and use you. It was time to set her straight.
You’re NTA, I’d have been far less diplomatic in telling her off. People who get into a relationship with a married person and expect the married person to leave their spouse are making bad decisions.
NTA – you made it clear several times not to involve you and not to discuss it. She keeps ignoring it.
How your parents manage their circumstances is their business and their respective partners knew this.
I’d just let you father know via text that your policy is to not discuss your parents private decisions, and love life out of respect for all involved. I’d not address the apology at all , or his partner tantrum. Don’t feed into it. İf you have to repeat the same statement each time she or your father bring it up. ” My policy is ” yadda yadda yadda.
NTA. Why she expected you to symphasize her in this situation? Shes just insane to demand something from you
NTA!!
She knew from the beginning he was married! She dragged you into their relationship instead of talking with your father. If she dislikes it so much she can leave instead of dragging you into it!
She owes you an apology!
NTA
“There will be no apology because you decided to push instead of accepting the nice response I’ve given repeatedly. If he wanted to, he would. Take it up with him, not with the kids he and his wife put second.”
I’m in the same position as your parents – I’ve been separated from my ex for nearly a decade, living like we’re divorced. We have a child and share custody. It’s very amicable and we’ve both been in other relationships since. I can’t speak for him, but I’ve made it extremely clear to anyone I’ve been with that I will not be remarrying. Been there done that. It’s just not something I want. Nor is it possible. Truth be told, I probably find the excuse a bit of a relief. Regardless, I would lose my shit if my partner went to my child – of any age, to discuss our relationship. It’s wholly inappropriate.
The only person your dad’s partner should be talking to is your dad. You are not a part of this. You shouldn’t feel inclined to interfere just bc she has an issue with it.
She clearly has an issue with boundaries. Both yours and your dads.
NTA. You don’t owe your father’s wife an apology.
Your parents are the AH here. Custody and assets have been split for two decades, and the law does not allow for their new long-term partners to be considered family for hospital visits or to make medical decisions for them when they are incapacitated. Tell your parents to grow up and get the divorce.
She’s calling you uncivilized when she was the one that cornered you and then demanded an apology when you told her where to get off at? I think you need to cut off contact with your father as long as she’s still in his life. They explained the situation to her, and you explained the situation to her. She knew what she was getting into and won’t accept the fact that these are the cards she’s been dealt with. She thinks she’s getting a Royal Flush, but the only things you see are Jokers. NTA