I (43f) have a daughter (20f) who’s intelligent, compassion, and very pretty. At her very young age, she has a good job and she lives on her own without our assistance. But in recently months, half the time I’m physically around her, I can tell her armpits.
Last Friday, she was complaining about not having a boyfriend. Even though she looked extremely pretty and professional as she’s speaking, her pits were killing me. I told her the truth. I was soft and careful with my words but she still called me cruel and hypocritical. Am I the asshole ?
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I (43f) have a daughter (20f) who’s intelligent, compassion, and very pretty. At her very young age, she has a good job and she lives on her own without our assistance. But in recently months, half the time I’m physically around her, I can tell her armpits.
Last Friday, she was complaining about not having a boyfriend. Even though she looked extremely pretty and professional as she’s speaking, her pits were killing me. I told her the truth. I was soft and careful with my words but she still called me cruel and hypocritical. Am I the asshole ?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action to be judged is the action of telling my daughter her hygiene probably has something to do with the fact she doesn’t have a boyfriend.
I may be the asshole because my daughter called me cruel and hypocritical.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Believe me lady, there are guys who go absolutely crazy for stinky armpits. She just didn’t meet the one, yet.
She’s probably just embarrassed. It might be hard to hear but sometimes we need to hear the truth because we can’t smell it for ourselves. As long as you were compassionate, it was definitely the right thing to do.
What are you telling her armpits??
NTA
My gran had terrible BO, it was electric, like shooting lasers up my nose. She loved a good squishy cuddle so I learnt to hold my breath through every close encounter. Everyone told her she stunk and never did anything about it – she was nose blind. Most people just chose no close contact.
If she smells bad at work and interacts with other people she will be getting the reputation of the girl who stinks. People notice and if they find it repulsive they will avoid her. There is a good chance she is nose blind to her own stink.
Have you looked into hyperhidrosis?
Eta: in high school (15 years ago) my boyfriend had a problem with his underarms. He was constantly sweating. It was worse when he was nervous. I accepted it but I knew how bad it was. And how bad it kinda smelled. He would sweat 1-2 hours in a t-shirt and we lived in a cold climate. He’d be so embarrassed, he never talked about it. But he would hide it in so many ways. He told me about it once and how he’s tried so many things and he didn’t know what to do and his mom didn’t believe in medical help for it. It’s a real thing and maybe it’s beyond her putting on deodorant, cleaning herself everyday and doing basic maintenance. Some people sweat a lot more than others and its a medical condition.
NTA. Though I would’ve brought it up outside of that conversation. I have a teenage son.. BO is brought up more often than I care to admit. It’s usually something like “You know you stink, right?” I’ve had to say to my bestie, “You smell very spicy right now.. Your natural deodorant isn’t controlling your body odor ’cause bacteria is a thing.” If she’s using deodorant instead of antiperspirant having a conversation about the science.. the differences between the two.. may be worth having.
She’s your daughter which means it was your responsibility to teach her about basic hygiene growing up. You’re saying her armpits were killing you yet you didn’t teach her how to make them not smell? Deodorant? Sometimes only showering especially in the summer does little for armpits and you’ll have to use deodorant. If she doesn’t know this, then it means you didn’t teach her. She’s your daughter ffs, you don’t have to tiptoe around her. Educate her.
YTA because those aren’t necessarily related.
If you wanted to address her hygiene, then do that.
Instead you took an opportunity to turn her confession about her difficulties into shaming.
Be there for her when she expresses she’s having a hard time. Don’t blame her for that hard time.
Be gentle and make that hard conversation an actual conversation in itself. Don’t throw it in there at inappropriate times because you can’t communicate efficiently and can’t hold it in anymore.
And it would be different if that was actually the cause, but you don’t know that. Plenty of people aren’t super hygienic or have body odor despite being hygienic (many reasons to that, such as hormonal imbalance) and have partners. This wasn’t useful, it was just a spike.
Edit You wouldn’t be TA for just bringing up the conversation about body odor on its own.
NTA, but you could have been more subtle. Maybe gifting her expensive deodorant, perfumes, or special soaps. If she is still offended after that, then you can be blunt because she is too much of a snowflake anyway and would get insulted no matter what you do. As her parent, however, you are obligated to point out these obvious problems because it would be worse if it came from someone else. Even worse if no one ever told her.
lol “spicy” is a nice way to say it. sometimes you just gotta be honest though
IDK? I guess it depends on how it was said? What’s confusing to me is the word hypocritical. Do you have stinky pits? Or did you not allow anti-perspirant in the house growing up? I just don’t understand how you telling her this in a nice way is hypocritical. Unless she just meant critical.
If you are critical and cruel to her on the regular, that comment makes sense. I’m going with NTA. If she stinks that bad and is clueless she needs to know. All these “natural” and clean deodorants that are very popular don’t really work that well for most people. Especially in the summer. Maybe she’s using those products
Honestly balancing the scale, was she venting or did she want advice? The difference between the two always causes an argument. Our mom and myself and two sisters in 40+ years of familial relationship have learned to ask EVERY TIME do you want me to listen and acknowledge or offer support and/or advice. If she was venting YTA, if she wanted advice NTA.
YTA. Not for telling her about the problem but for looping it in with why she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Especially since your post says it’s a recent problem.
If her armpits smell maybe she just doesn’t realize the deodorant she’s using isn’t working for her. Lately those natural deodorants are everywhere in stores but they are just deodorants. They aren’t anti-perspirants which some people need. Asking/nudging her about maybe a change in deodorant would have been better than making it a thing on why she’s single.
True heathy parent child relationships required honesty in these moments. NTA
YTA for not teaching your daughter proper hygiene or approaching it with love and concern. You did in reactively in a moment of vulnerability on her part. Yikes.
As someone who was told something similar once, it’s extremely embarrassing, no-one wants to hear that they smell, but unless there is a health related problem, it’s an easy fix..
I’m very happy today, thay someone said something
NTA. As long as you were not an asshole while telling it to her you did the right thing. She is your daughter if you won’t tell her these things who will?
NTA here. The realitybis that if it is uncomfortable for you, itbis uncomfortable for everyone.
And other people will just avoid her and that will be it.
YTA for attacking her rather than sitting her down and having a sensitive conversation about her personal hygiene.
Edit: to clarify, by ‘attack’ I mean that she made it personal, and attributed this to her value as a person by suggesting this was the reason she doesn’t have a boyfriend.
She should have addressed the concerns about hygiene separately, and sooner. There could be a number of reasons she is not managing her hygiene well. Addressing it this way turned it into something loaded with shame.
NTA. If her parent doesn’t say it, then who will? Hopefully it’s an easy fix.
Oh man this one is tough. Now, framing this as a medical condition might have been the way to go. There are a 1000 things that could be going on here and if has been a sudden change or a distinctive smell it might go beyond bacteria.
Nta. People who smell usually don’t know they smell.
I’m glad you did it kindly, however she will still feel embarrassed.
It’s a good thing you did in the end.
NTA. Depends how you said it, though. Her smell does not have to be the reason: if she doesn’t date for instance and doesn’t meet anyone then her smell is not the reason.
But you’re family. Other people have no bond or obligation to notify her of bad odour: It’s an issue of upbringing, or a marker of certain problems or lack of care. They’ll just socially isolate her and dislike to be near her since it’s very difficult socially to tell someone they’re unhygienic. So smell could definitely be a reason so it’s good to have brought it up as a point of improvement.
NTA. Someone was gonna tell her and I doubt they would have been as kind as you about it.
Went to school with a smelly girl, you couldn’t have paid me to sit next to her much less date her. It was beyond off-putting and into repellant.
NTA needs to be said
INFO: How were her pits killing you? You haven’t been exactly clear what the problem with them is. Do you mean that she has bad body odor? Or that she hasn’t shaved them?
When she called you a hypocrite, is that because you have a similar “hygiene” problem?
Because you’ve offered no relevant information about yourself, it’s hard to assess her charge of hypocrisy.
It definitely sounds like she was talking to you about her experience, and you interpreted it as a request for counsel. Again, it’s hard to know if this was a misinterpretation.
Honestly I think we need more information in order to make a serious assessment.
You’re the asshole.
Your daughter’s body isn’t the reason, men are born to dissapoint
YTA.
smell blindness is a thing, I’m a social worker and it’s mind boggling how much odor, bodily or otherwise, some people are just completely oblivious to. that being said, poor hygiene is usually a sign of mental health struggles like anxiety or depression. I think your phrasing probably could’ve been better, but the best thing you could do is tell her. one of my besties had a really bad bout of depression and her hygiene was astoundingly bad. one night we were at the bar so I had a bit of liquid courage to embolden me but I pulled her aside and said “look, I love you. but I can tell something is up, what’s going on?” it was a difficult convo and undoubtedly embarrassing for her in the moment, but it’s kind of like telling someone they have brocoli in their teeth. there’s that initial embarrassment of “oh fuck I’ve looked like a rabbit all day??” but then there’s the relief because someone told you and it doesn’t have to be a problem anymore. she might just have really potent like sweat glands and needs perhaps prescription deodorant to help with that? when I played basketball that stuff was a godsend. NTA just make sure you check in with your daughter about some of the things mentioned by me and others.
YTA because you could’ve been nicer to her. There is a saying we often hear in the business world, the art of speaking. Basically if you want to tell someone about something you don’t like about them, you give them a compliment first and then slowly get to your point.
For example, you could’ve told her how pretty she looks and how proud you are for her having a job and a place of her own, then tell her she should care a little bit more about hygiene because that’s also important.
You have a great daughter. Mine is 23 and still lives in our basement with no full time job. So you should be proud of her. Hygiene can be taught, but fixing someone’s laziness and teaching them work ethics is hard.
What did you “tell her armpits”? Maybe they got offended😁
No, you did the right thing. In addition she might miss out on quite a few things. Including professionally promotions
there doesn’t seem to be enough info here. is she struggling with depression? how did you have that conversation with her about her body odor? especially if she called you cruel and hypocritical
No you are her mother and you should tell her!! I would want my mom to tell me plus it’s better than it coming from someone else
So like, I’d assume you look like a pre–pubescent teenager right? Fully shaved with not a sight of hair on your body like ALWAYS. Or careful, your husband or partner might divorce you for being unhygienic, lady!!!
Anyways YTA. Hope your daughter realizes she deserves better than to be treated like this by her mom, and it’s really not the end of the world to be single at 20! Happy for her to be focusing on her career and making it in life despite being raised by shitty parents!!!
(Keep in mind y’all, this lady said ‘pits’ and nothing about BO)
There’s a lot here that is so context-heavy. Does she have a habit of not taking care of herself when she’s left to her own devices? Has this (her pits/BO) been an issue she’s dealt with in the past? As much as it’s hard to hear this from someone, better it come from her mother than some potential suitor or even a future employer.
I don’t know. You could be the asshole in the scenario, but sometimes people need to swallow a tough pill before they can get better, you know?
NTA
Sounds like you told her in an appropriate fashion. Sometimes people can’t smell themselves, or don’t realise it’s so bad or noticeable to others.
Now maybe she can move on with smell free pits!
If she has an issue with deodorant there are options out there for everyone, but she needs to know she smells. It may start to affect other areas of her life, including her job. Well done hard conversation to have sometimes!
YTA. At any point in the ‘recent months’ You could have sat her down and spoken to her about it. Instead you chose to do it when she wasn’t opening up to you about something.
As someone who had to listen to her stinky coworker complain of his lack of girlfriend – THANK YOU!
NTA
INFO: What exactly were you trying to say?
You said “I can tell her armpits”. But I can’t quite decide if you mean “I can smell her armpits” or part of the sentence is missing and it’s “I can tell her armpits [are… something]”.
Which matters because if you can smell her armpits, it’s not unreasonable (though the phrasing is probably the key difference). If it’s something like “I can tell her armpits aren’t shaved”, then it’d be shallow and a definite TA.
When it comes to hygiene I never mince my words – ever.
In this day and age we have the technology to not stink like Satan’s asshole.
Shower, wash your damn clothes, put on some antiperspirant and a dash of perfume.
We are animals all of us, but we were not born in a barn – wash your stinking crevices you dirty bastards!
Gentle has never ever worked in my life – tried being gentle, subtle you name it – never worked.
So I go straight to get yourself washed you filthy bastard you stink to high he an and I don’t want you in this room.
Now I know phycologists will say “that’s bullying” – yes, you would be correct.. Because sometimes good old fashioned shame needs to be employed.
If they’re a reasonably intelligent person they know they stink – they just can’t be arsed with washing.. Get stuffed you lazy bugger! Go and wash!
Maybe she needs to see a doctor; occasionally, body odors that are typically out of the normal for someone can be an indication of an overall health issue
NTA somebody’s gotta tell her. the only question is why didn’t you tell her earlier?
Does she stink? Or are her armpits not shaved? You aren’t clear.
Some people need to scrub more than others, especially the armpits.
She needs a scrubby exfoliating cloth for the pits, for sure. It makes a really big difference.
NTA. You’re doing her a kindness.
Does she at least shower once a day? Tell her to wear deodorant. It’s appropriate thing to say as you are her mother.
NTA. Sometimes the truth hurts. You did her a kindness.
NTA
But you could have handled it better. Why haven’t you told her at another time? It’s strange to only bring it up in relation to getting a boyfriend.
Also some constructive suggestions –
https://www.reddit.com/r/beauty/comments/pbidcd/can_someone_help_me_with_an_armpit_odor_issue/
YTA
Lady, come on. YTA and you know it. Aside from the fact that she’s your daughter and I’d like to know if you’ve ever talked to her about hygiene/how to wash clothes etc, using her problem to hit her while she’s down is an asshole thing to do. You could have been soft spoken as you like, but if you were really interested in helping her you would have told her about the smell in another context, instead you basically told her ah-ah, your fault because you stink.
NTA but i would have mentioned it sooner before it was ever in this context. Since you said the last few months does she happen to be trying natural deodorants or soaps recently?
NAH but has she always been this way? If it’s a recent thing for her to be a bit smelly, is she aware of her smell? Did she switch deodorants or her diet? I trust my mom to always be a loving level of honest with me, when I’ve tried new things I’ll ask her opinion because I know she’ll be honest but in a way that isn’t vindictive. Do you have a relationship where you nitpick without realizing? I’ve got aunts that don’t realize how negatively they speak to their daughters.
20 is too old to tell her these things.
The moment she hit puberty was the time you set her straight about the new things she has to deal with to have proper hygiene.
Btw… You didn’t smell that all those years??
YTA because you could have just told her about her BO separately. No need to connect it to why she doesnt have a boyfriend. There’s so many explanations for why she might not have one, and telling her it’s because she smells is a really good way to make her feel ugly and self-conscious and vulnerable.
It’s important to tell her she stinks, but you should have just told her that, and not connected it to something she already also feels really sad and ashamed about.
Make sure she’s washing her clothes thoroughly. The laundry factors are time, temperature, agitation, and detergent dose. If she’s washing on 15min cold cycles with a weak or too little detergent, stinks will ensure.
NTA for having the conversation, but it’s all in the delivery.
Ha ha “soft and careful with your words” but you don’t say what they were. Missing missing reasons my friend. That’s what this reeks of. You’re being dishonest to sway votes in your favour YTA.
YTA.
People date worse smelling people and absolutely filthy people.
An overproduced sweat glands isn’t being unhygienic tbh, it’s a hormonal problem you as a parent should have tackled, not a reason not to date someone.
she called you hypocritical?! omg ok so she just told you that you stink, too lmao
nta for letting her know, but I’m guessing you said something mean disguised as caring.
I’m Mexican. My family talks shit all the time lol people are so sensitive! I’d rather family tell me like it is than just let me be stank 😂 you are not wrong! She needs deodorant and you told her. Period
NTA. My biggest fear is stinking in public. If someone were to tell me I stink, I might be embarrassed but super grateful.
Lol, oh snap
NTA. I’d rather hear that from a parent than someone I want to pursue a relationship with romantically. Plus if you didn’t tell her you are doing her a disservice as your daughter. She’ll be ok and hopefully handle the hygiene or seek the help of a Dr if necessary
NTA. Timing could’ve been better but better to hear it from you than a stranger or even worse, on a date.
NTA, I would want to know i smelled bad privately with family.
From a daughter whose mom will tell me I smell bad if she thinks I do, NTA. It’s something that’s fixable and it sounds like it started recently so maybe she needs to switch deodorant or something.
Soft YTA. You have no idea if that’s why she doesn’t have a boyfriend. As her mom you should have taught her proper underarm hygiene before this but if she needed a reminder this wasn’t the best time. She’s already feeling vulnerable then you bring up something like that. She was probably looking for you to comfort her as her mom.
Have the hygiene conversation at another time next time.
You need to purchase her some clinical strength anti-perspirant deodorants and some nice fragranced soap, body wash and moisturiser.
I use a clinical strength deodorant and you put it on the night before and it works for the next day.
Do you use an antiperspirant deodorant? Modelling appropriate hygiene starts from a very young age.
I had a girl one time tell me my ass stunk and that’s why I wasn’t getting sex. I was young. I’ve cleaned my ass like I’m starring in a porn ever since.
It’s embarrassing, but even if it’s medical there are fixes out there. Sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know.
Yta, tell her bluntly she needs to 1) shower/wash daily or twice a day when it’s hot. 2)use deodorant daily and 3)make sure she is washing ger clothes and bedding
Her boyfriend or lack of them may or may not be related to her hygiene but please don’t link them. Instead encourage her to have friends and a good work /life balance.
I’d rather hear it from family than a stranger. To be fair though, my mom was not doing her part when I was a kid and everyone complained that I stunk so one day a teacher had to tell my mom about that. She blamed me…I was like 6? Idk how you taught your daughter to be hygienic, but knowing my mom didn’t was a huge problem when I was young. I wash myself twice in one shower now as an adult, and once she said that a teacher complained that I smell to her, I immediately started showering every day. TBH, you’re NTA. I would consider what my mom did an ***hole move. If you taught her right and she didn’t listen, oh well
Nta- I would want someone to tell me. When I was younger I went through a Vietnamese food phase after discovering it and started eating it everyday (I’m not Vietnamese) – I guess the fish sauce didn’t vibe with my body chemistry and although I was shocked at first, I’m thankful someone pointed out my breath to me. I’d say this us “cruel to be kind” – if you sugar-coated it too much the point might get missed anyway so just saying it in a way that gets the point across is better.
So you’re saying she’s single~
Nta
NTA- if you would have taught it young it wouldn’t be so awkward. Hygiene is a deal breaker!!
INFO: it’s not clear from your post. Are her armpits unshaven or does she smell? Knowing this is essential for judgement.
Nta
Youre her mom. It’s literally your job to tell her these things.
If it makes her feel any better she will be telling you the same thing in 30 years when you’re elderly and don’t realize you smell bad. It’s also a daughter’s job.
NTA. Gas she changed soaps recently? Is she eating differently that may cause this change. She may need to go see a doctor to make sure something isn’t going on. Suggest an antibacterial soap and a good deodorant. As a mom I feel this is an obligation, like telling someone they have lettuce in their teeth. You care that they aren’t going to be embarrassed in public.
Guys, this is ai. Account was made an hour ago and also, I’ve seen these exact words like 3 different times in the past two months.
NTA. She needs to know! Wash yo self!
INFO: Do your pits stink and is that why you’re hypocritical?!?!