Hear me out first before judging me. I have an almost 21 year old daughter. I love her to pieces and will do anything for her. It’s been years now of her telling me that she’s depressed, started in middle school got worse during Covid and even though I didn’t make a big deal about it, I listened and looked for a therapist and after a couple that she didn’t like we found one that she loved and seems to helped her.
My problem is, that she had been struggling a lot academically since then even tho she’s highly gifted and can do amazing in school without too much effort when she wants to, refuses to clean her room or help around the house even if is something so simple as empty the dishwasher. Once she started college I told her that she could stay at home as long as she was going to school but I wanted her to do good in school, good grades that’s all I’m asking for. But she keeps failing (maybe passing one or 2 clases per semester) missing classes and always making excuses that I know are not true. What gets to me is, she’s always fine to go out with her friends, there’s no depression there or lack of motivation. Loves going to concerts and if it was possible she would go out everyday/night.
I finally had enough after an accident she had in the car I bought her, coming from clubbing after working a double shift (during the summer she has 2 part time jobs) going out for days straight after I told her that she should stay home and rest, recover
I sat her down to talk to her to figure out what is going on. She started crying, telling me that she needs to have fun with her friends because most of them are going back to college or moving out state and she’ll be alone. Mind you I told her I wasn’t asking her to stop hanging out, I was asking her to slow down and take care of herself. She brings out depression again. That she doesn’t have motivation to do anything, she doesn’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or in a month or in 5 years and if she dies tomorrow at least she enjoyed life. That’s when I told her that she needs to stop using depression as an excuse and she lets that take over her life all the time. I told her she’s young and sometimes we make sacrifices like not having fun every day for a few years to finish school and then she’ll be able to have an easier life. Get a degree, do something so the day I’m not here to support her, she can be on her own. She lost it and made me feel horrible by telling me that she felt useless then, what was the purpose of life and blah blah blah. At the end we both ended up upset for different reasons and I really don’t know if I was the a-hole by telling her that or am I right?
I know mental health is a very hard issue and don’t want to downplay it but I just don’t know what to do about her anymore.
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You aren’t the asshole. It is unfortunately quite common for people to fall back on their disorders as a defense mechanism. You have a find a delicate balance of when to be understanding, and when to call them on their bullshit. It isn’t just depression… a lot of people act like their disorder gives them a right to be an asshole, lazy, and/or abusive, etc. Everyone needs to be accountable for their actions, even if controlling them is more difficult for some.
NTA – she’s weaponizing mental health to justify her laziness and bad behavior
Edit – ad hominem insults get you blocked. The irony of advocating for mental health while also slinging immature insults.
OP, your kid sounds like me at 21.
Have you looked into inattentive / combined type ADHD?
Edit to add judgement.
NAH. It’s important for people to manage their symptoms and take responsibility, but also you can’t possibly know when it’s and excuse and when it’s not. Likely, neither can she.
She may really like her therapist without her therapist actually helping her. Sometimes getting results is unpleasant and painful and overwhelming while it’s happening.
I am just wondering if she and her therapist are resolving anything or if she’s shying away from the hard unpleasant topics or if it’s critical that she see her therapist as a friend first or whatever. The doctor who’s company you enjoy may or may not be the most effective doctor for her condition.
I am just throwing this idea out there but you will need to learn if it’s a real concern or not. Someone more experienced and knowledgeable in this field will have to give you that sort of information.
I used to have a friend like this. Where her dad used to do everything manageable on earth for her. She would fail college, miss exams, not clean her house (that he paid for), not eat healthy and would constantly splurge money on skincare and makeup with no regard for groceries. If he called her out she would always say it’s because of her depression. It’s a very hard situation to deal with. Specially because you seem like a caring and attentive father. The only advice i can give you is that maybe it would be a good idea to go to a therapist together, have some sessions together where both of you can share your perspective, thoughts and feelings. You should tell her that you want the best for her because, unfortunately, one day you’re not going to there. Hope everything goes well.
Wishing you the best!
Your daughter is playing you. She is manipulative. At almost 21 she should just get a job and her own apartment with roommates.
Why waste $ on a college education she’s not interested in.
Time to give her a deadline and change your locks on that date.
She’s grown up. Time for you to allow that to happen.
She’s weaponizing her diagnosis and running from life.
As someone who has their own disorders, I do not act like this. Because in the end it does nothing to help or serve me. Your daughter needs serious help, because if she doesn’t stop acting like this it’s going to cause more problems in the long run for her and others.
NTA, you coddled her too much and she probably uses it as an excuse
I was going to judge but then your daughter reminded me of a friend I once had. Never went to class, never did assignments, didn’t shower, but some how was able to shower get dressed and ready to go clubbing. She ended up dropping out and doesn’t have a degree. Trust me, you’re not being harsh. You should really try to talk to her therapist and see if they’re working on it in therapy. You are NTA, you are being a loving parent.
NTA but I don’t think that your words are going to help. Life is in fact tough on these kids. This world has been doom and gloom their whole lives. I would encourage light hobbies and routine.
Oh .. what a load of bullshit she’s shoveling at you😱
nta but it’s more complicated than that. depression can definitely make you feel unmotivated, but it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t want to do anything at all (ie: her hanging out with friends, etc) she may genuinely feel as if that brings her happiness and relief but she can not expect you to be of aid to her if she isn’t willing to actively fight her depression. you made a deal and she needs to uphold her end. she also probably needs some type of behavioral therapy. there’s a thin line between depression and excuses. it seems as if she’s straddling the fence.
Stop doing things for her. Tell her you’re too depressed and want to enjoy your life. See what she thinks of that. NTA.
The tricky part is that depression can be the reason for everything.
That doesn’t mean it is. Sometimes it’s just an excuse, not a reason. If you’re going to call her out, you have to be absolutely right that she’s using her depression as an excuse rather than it being a reason.
Sounds to me like she wants to be an adult and you’re not letting her because she’s living in your house.
NTA. Mental health may be an explanation for her behavior, but not an excuse. She has help and clearly she isn’t taking it seriously. You’ve done all you can as a parent. Maybe it’s time to step back and let her take responsibility for her decisions while still being loving and supportive.
YTA. I think you do know what to do. It’s not so simple just to snap out of depression. She needs to see a doctor and a therapist. It could be dyslexia or ADHD or she could just be mediocre. You have to make a big deal out of it to get help. Untreated depression will derail an entire lifetime. Take it seriously. You will know more with a diagnosis that without one.
I have bi-polar depression and I have worked multiple jobs at once and did school and didn’t use my depression as an excuse to not do something. If I wanted to go somewhere fun I had to do what needed to be done BEFORE I can have fun. That was my motivation to work through the depression when it came to not fun stuff.
Edit to add: tell your daughter it’s more fun to work for the time off and the enjoyment of things. If she just keeps doing stuff she might get bored/have no money to anything fun and that you won’t help her pay for her outings
Sounds exactly like me at that age. Depression never left, therapy helped. I think she needs to start prioritizing her mental health by taking care of her physical health. I always thought going out with my friends was healthy because it can feel really good. And meeting with friends IS helpful, but also going, going, going without ever stopping isn’t.
YNTA, but I think pushing her to continue with school right now is probably a mistake. She might benefit from taking classes online if she wants to keep going, journaling, and some sort of healthy activity or class that she can do with friends.
Definitely NTA it sounds like what she’s experiencing is real but she is weaponizing it for sure
Has she been evaluated for adhd? Something that helped someone I know, who also had a hard time passing classes, was just take one or two classes a semester. They would’ve saved a lot of money if they’d stopped trying and failing over and over.
YTA. Quit expecting perfection. Pick some priorities with her.
Your daughter is managing two part time jobs.
Your daughter is passing two classes per semester but failing the others. Maybe it is too much.
She is overwhelmed and doesn’t seem to be handling everything. She doesn’t like her life and doesn’t have direction and purpose.
She likes going out with friends.
Time to start discussing with her what she wants to do and what she can handle. Does she want to take fewer classes? Does she think her major is a good plan?
Tell her that you expect her to help with chores and make sure she is helping pay for school and not getting loans since she lives at home. But don’t expect all the work and all the jobs and all the chores.
Most people I know with young adults are just happy if their kids are progressing towards work OR School plus good social relationships. You seem to be comparing your kid to a perfect kid, not an average kid. My four kids are all above average intelligent (lots of gifted programs and AP and academic scholarships for some) but they are not above average in all areas. They struggle with life and managing life too!
Depression does make it look like you are lazy. But if your daughter is working and going to school she is getting some stuff done. She just can’t seem to do it all.
When depression gets really bad you can’t even take a shower or make yourself something to eat or do the most basic things. I think you need to learn more about depression..
NTA. I’ve struggled with depression since HS but managed to graduate college and have a career. She’s using that as an excuse of growing up and facing reality. Is she on any medication? I would look into maybe having her get on an anti depressant and see if that helps. But, you need to start laying down the law. She can’t keep blaming that on not getting her life together. Because like you said, one day you won’t be here to bail her out.
NTA
Surely, you don’t expect her to hold herself accountable for anything.
I think she has more than just depression. ADHD is a possibility, as are a plethora of other things. Is she still seeing her therapist? I’d have both of you talk together with them or her PCP about what you’re seeing vs how she’s feeling and open a discussion about other diagnoses, medication options, etc.
I struggle a lot with many of the things you listed for her. Chores, cleaning up, laundry, etc – really anything I’m not excited for or passionate about. Schoolwork was always a struggle until I found a degree I was passionate about and suddenly I went from Ds to a 4.0 because I loved what I was learning. Same with travel and seeing friends – I’m excited for those things and it makes my brain happy which makes me do the things I need to do. Some things I’ve found that helps me is mirroring – video chatting a friend who’s also doing laundry or cleaning the kitchen, etc – we chat a bit as we do our chores but just having someone else doing something similar makes it easier for me to do it. Or breaking down steps of a chore. For some people “empty the dishwasher” is a simple task – and if you don’t want to do it you may tell yourself, after the dishwasher is empty I can have a soda. For my brain I break it into small pieces because the WHOLE dishwasher is a lot for me to do. Then as I do each little task. Maybe like the person above that talks themselves into doing it. Instead of getting a soda at the end – I’m going to take a sip after each little task. First – put away the plates and then a sip of soda cause I did it. Put away the bowls, another sip. Coffee cup, glasses, silverware, etc. Is it silly to people that can just “empty the dishwasher”? Absolutely. Does it get me to empty the dishwasher? It does! So a success is a success.
I feel like there’s NAH just poor communication as you’re both taking AT each other and not TO each other.
NTA, but I would seek more than therapy for her if her depression is that bad. I mean I get it, absolutely, and I HAVE medication for my depression. I still don’t have the energy to go out and do things for myself, I haven’t had the energy to go anywhere for the last year, I don’t even go to the stores, only doctors appointments when they come up.
Happiness is a motivator, if I can call with my best friend and hang out on a game together for a while, I absolutely will take doing that over anything else, because I want to forget, I want to be able to focus on something else, have conversations with someone who truly understands me and enjoys my company as much as I enjoy theirs. That’s a huge motivation for me… but we all have things that still need to be done. It might take longer to get around to doing them, but they still need to be done eventually.
I think your daughter is procrastinating, more than anything. It’s just the looming dread that something she has to do that draws her back into herself and into real life, in the moment, is causing her to fight it as hard as she can. Yes, she might be a bit lazy too, but depression can be a bigger issue, in many cases. You need to find her a medication that actually, really helps her, and you can try to make things more meaningful for her, it might motivate her to do more. I know life shouldn’t be about rewarding small efforts, and I absolutely agree with that, but in this case… try to make it worth her while to motivate her to do things, even for a little bit.
For me, a big problem I have is with actually taking care of myself. I’ve had a really hard time finding the motivation and energy to just go outside, walk for a while, do basic things that are better for my health than just sleeping or sitting around like an oaf… what motivates me though are my dogs. I have a large property with a big yard, I’m not required to take them out or walk them on a leash, but… I remember reading once that a dog’s happiest moment of the day is when you spend time with them, and… I think that’s true. My dogs get so excited when they see me come outside to walk with them for a bit, just around the yard. Seeing them that happy can be a motivator for me. It doesn’t always convince me to get out there, but if I do go, I go for them, not for myself. It’s rewarding to see them that happy, its rewarding to see them get playful and sprint around the yard because they’re happy I’m with them.
Little things like that can be a good motivation to do better for yourself. Especially with the way the world is today for us younger people… we don’t make a lot of money with most jobs, the price of gas and groceries have gone way higher than they were back when I was a kid, housing prices have also skyrocketed since back then. It’s a looming dread just thinking about having to navigate all this crap in life… especially knowing that the little money we can make, isn’t going to allow for much else aside from basic survival. Thankfully, not everywhere is as bad as the US is right now, so maybe your daughter has it a little better, but… Yeah. There isn’t exactly a bright, shiny future ahead of us at this time… especially with all of the problems other higher powers in society are causing for us that are out of our control.
NTA cus wdym she can’t even take the dishes out of the dishwasher but can go out with her friends for days like i get it depression is bad but ppl that are really depressed stay in there room and do nothing like i have a cousin she in depression since her dad died and she put that all away and started studying and if she is gifted she should use it and study something big then she can live her life after college
Soft YTA. I understand completely your position (parent to depressed teens and former depressed teen). Your child’s behavior is NOT UNCOMMON for depressed people!
Going out, partying, drinking= SELF MEDICATION. These behaviors are escapism in motion. She’s escaping reality by partying, by having fun. She’s handling the symptoms of depression through these mediums the problem is- they dont resolve the underlying issues which is why She’s unmotivated and not succeeding.
I would encourage your daughter to seek Psychiatric help. Medication can help control her anxiety (yes she’s anxious- she’s preoccupied by the possibility of death, dying and being alone) as well as her depression.
This is the HARDEST part of mental illness. Knowing something is wrong is relatively easy. Its doing something about it thats hard.
Look dad, try getting some support for yourself too! Its hard when a loved one has depression/anxiety and its impacting them and you cant help them. That feeling is horrible. You deserve support.
NTA. But I think that depression is not what she is dealing with.
My daughter is extremely gifted. During the pandemic she was very upset all the time. She missed a lot of her online classes but still got extremely good grades because she is exceptionally gifted.
She was sad or angry a lot. She saw counsellors regularly. She thought she had ADHD but in our country you cannot get a referral for testing as a child unless your teachers refer you. She wasn’t disruptive in class and had good grades so they assumed she was fine and wouldn’t refer her.
When she turned 18 I paid for private testing and she was diagnosed with high level ADHD. Medicated immediately.
She is working full time during the summer after getting the highest grades in her class for the first year at university. There were 460 students on her course at her university. She organised a house for herself and 6 friends. She is the one who speaks to their landlord about any issues. She cleans, she cooks and she still goes out and has fun.
I might be wrong. I don’t think so.
YTA. If you have no clue what it feels like to not even be able to do anything productive…you should feel blessed bc it’s horrible. She may not have the right diagnosis. She should see a psychiatrist for an eval and diagnosis. They can then get her on meds to help.
She is being a nasty little hoe
That diagnoses, depression or ADHD is challenging but with the correct treatment that includes possible medication and good , consistent behavioral training, it can be controlled. However, it’s up to the person to manage this daily and learn to cope when some days are better than others. There are a lot of resources out there and making excuses because of it is a disservice to those who work at it everyday.
For my own issues, I used a lot of self talk.
I told myself my mental issues were just as real as physical issues. I also knew some people push past what is easy to do and overcome physical disabilities.
It’s not easy but it just takes extra push.
So sometimes I have bad days and I don’t do well. I’ll try again tomorrow.
I always looked at that amazing guy who is a legless roofer and said I can try too.
Sincerely wonder if she has ADHD. This is around the age it presents for women and depression is a side effect of untreated ADHD.
NTA, but highly recommend you get her to be screened for ADHD.
Sometimes, we can like our therapists because they enable us too much. Thats the problem with therapy, it varies so much and each therapist has their own way of doing things and while its important to be comfortable and build a trust with your therapist, its also important for a therapist to be able to call you on your shit. It took me until I was 26 to realize this when my old therapist moved practices and I was given to a new lady. She is a little harsh, blunt, on the spectrum herself, and is brutally honest when I need her to be. She doesn’t baby me and enable me. Your daughter may very well be struggling because she’s stuck in a rut or a cycle. A depression pit where she can go out and mask for a few hours, but then she returns to her pit and loses it all. She’s got to break that cycle, clean her room, switch up her routine, if classes are stressing her out then allow her to drop to 1 class only. That way she has only 1 thing to focus on for now. Depression sucks because its an invisible thing, and it’s easy to allow ourselves to enable destructive behavior.
She needs an actual psychiatrist. A therapist alone is not enough. She needs medication if it’s this bad. Also, it sounds like she has adhd and found out the coursework in college is much harder than in high school and is overloaded and just can’t keep up with all her classes. This happened to me, and I had no idea I had adhd at the time.
I think exploring existential questions could be helpful to her. What would SHE want to do in her life? How could she imagine a life worth living? Does she even want to have a degree (go to college)? What would be her dream job? What meaning does life have? Also it sounds like your daughter might benefit from DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy). It’s great for emotion regulation skills which can help with motivation and finding a purpose in life.
Edit: NTA – your frustration is very understandable. my knee jerk reaction would be to say she’s using depression as an excuse to not do anything but I know life and mental illnesses are way more complicated than that.
I get that you’re overwhelmed, but it honestly sounds like she’s drowning and you’re asking her why she’s not swimming better. Depression isn’t just feeling sad, it literally drains your energy and motivation. Going out might be her way of escaping how heavy things feel. I don’t think you’re an a-hole, but I do think she needs more compassion right now, not tough love
Has she been seen by a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist? Any official diagnostic testing performed?
I’m not diagnosing her but, she sounds very similar to me at that age and it turns out I have ADHD along with PTSD. But the ADHD wasn’t being addressed and that was looking like depression symptoms. I’m not medicated for ADHD at this time, just working with a therapist that specializes in ADHD to help me balance out.
NTA, but I urge you not to give up and to look beyond mental heath reasons for her struggles. My son was horribly depressed like this from 10th grade through his early twenties. He actually flinched out of high school due to low attendance.
Finally, someone thought to test his Vitamin D levels. They were dangerously low. Once we got them up to normal, his entire life changed. His depression was gone, his mystery body aches disappeared. His social anxiety improved. He got his GED and started college. He is an entirely different person!
As someone who, near her age, already had a suicide attempt, let me put this delicately.
You are not only TA, you are a horrible excuse for a mother.
You say therapy, but where’s the medication? Where’s the real treatment for severe depression? This has been years in the making, why didn’t you aggressively pursue actual treatment years ago?
Do you really have zero concept that someone who is severely depressed can manage to absorb enough energy to continue another day by getting a little bit of distraction from those who care?
Do you really scoff off how much of a struggle it is just to keep one foot in front of the other, to make it through one more day, to be hanging from the emotional cliff by your fingernails, hoping you can keep hold?
Do you really ignore how very much depression just physically wipes you out?
The normals know all this. The people without depression, including you, understand in depth what it means for your mind to be your worst enemy. The people without mental illness understand that there is a monster in our minds, a monster with no self-preservation instinct, a monster that wants to destroy us and will happily destroy itself in the process. And we have to fight that monster and try to lock it in a box, which can only be done with effective treatment, and live every day knowing that monster will break the lock, it’s a matter of when, not if. And if we don’t get effective treatment, it’s wrestling with it without end or hope.
You know it, you are capable of empathy to the point of feeling it, of listening to the seductive voice of depression, telling you all sorts of cruel lies in the voice of a lover. But you choose not to. You block it out and blame her because she can’t.
I’d look into AuDHD. My mum would tell me over and over again that I needed to get over my depression, start seeing the positive side, get over my past – I had PTSD from a sexual assault, and also autism and ADHD, but I was what they call “twice exceptional”.
I was bright and smart and quick to learn, so when I started to struggle in classes once I was around fourteen or fifteen, suddenly I was told I wasn’t trying hard enough, wasn’t applying myself. And in part, I wasn’t, because I’d never had to before and didn’t know how, and in part I was but it just wouldn’t work. I got called out all the time for not doing assignments, because I would forget or leave them behind, or they would slip my mind, and once I was 17, it led to me skipping a lot of my final year of school. I was lucky I was bright enough that I still got into university, but I found the work there to be utterly impossible, especially with so much less structure and oversight.
The worst part about ADHD is that you constantly seek dopamine; you seek reward and joy and what brings you pleasure. When I lived at home again after uni, my mum would give me a list of house chores and wonder how I hadn’t done any of them when I’d been home all day, but had somehow managed to do all the things I wanted to do. The simple answer was that the things I wanted brought me me dopamine, and so we’re easier to push myself into, whereas the things she wanted done, she wouldn’t praise me for doing, I would get no feeling of reward from them, so I had no impetus to get started on them. And it felt really upsetting to be told I was doing that deliberately, because I wasn’t – not in my mind.
Consider the role that alcohol & drugs play in her life. The “partying” could mean a dependence on substances to feel good.
I’m in no position to be able to tell if this is true, its just a very important issue.
NTA, leaning to a slight NAH. I think the problem may not simply be your daughter making excuses, but I think her therapist isn’t actually helping her grow. It sounds to me like her therapist is providing comfort and tending to your daughter’s emotions rather than helping her on a path to reach her potential. I think you guys should have a conversation about changing therapists.
You are 100% in the right IMO. She isn’t too depressed to go hang with her friends and because school isn’t FUN, it depresses her. Nope, not buying that BS. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety and tics but she works a part time job, has gotten a 100% bright futures 4 year degree scholarship to go to school and she’s excelling. It can be done. Honestly sounds like she’s lazy. Sorry Mom, no hurt intended here honestly. As a mom with 2 girls, I feel you. She needs to pull up her big panties, suck it up and move along. It’s time to adult now.
*Edited for grammatical errors
Nope. Because she has ti help herself. Depression is real. But dressing up and being in a positive fun environment will help.
Maybe take her to get her make up done, doesn’t have to be expensive. Toss on a funny movie like Betty White or Robin Williams or a comedy club.
I am adhd and Depression is a part of that. When I feel it coming on that’s what I do.
Using ADD, ADHD and Depression as well as others as an excuse for actions.
I rarely talk about it because I refuse to use it as an excuse.
I was her in my early 20’s. No, you’re not wrong for telling her to stop using her depression as an excuse to not maintain a healthy lifestyle. She needs to get the basics down, taking care of her body and mind and the space around her before running around to try to distract herself from the depression. It’s likely that she needs medication or that she has received a misdiagnosis. Does she have adhd? No one told me that I was diagnosed with adhd in childhood. I knew something was wrong with me and thought it was depression and anxiety. I struggled in school and struggled to take care of myself but I had energy to go out. I couldn’t stay in without feeling like I was going to suffocate. I’m 44 now and I LOVE staying in. I ended up in an intensive outpatient program and received a proper diagnosis and proper medication.
She’s obviously not getting any help from the therapist. If she’s learning from the therapist she’s not applying it to her life.
NTA. Im not saying she is using depression as an excuse, but she has to take responsibility for her disorder and find what will help her. Life is hard, and she will learn one way or another that making excuses only gets you so far. Just be as supportive as possible. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
YTA. You’ll “Do anything for her” except learn how depression works. 🙄
It’s a chemical imbalance. No one wants to be depressed. No one wants those “really simple things” To feel like climbing mt Everest.
She needs medical help not just in the form of therapy but the right medication for her.
People cannot simply push through or smile away the depression. Symptoms also vary throughout the day. So time of day has an effect—there are so many factors that play a part in what someone can or cannot manage to do. It has an enormous impact on executive functioning. It can affect everything you mention or some of the things. Only a specialist can determine that.
She may be using it as a crutch for the stuff with her friends BUT only became she very obviously doesn’t have the tools to handle her depression the rest of the time.
She’s not getting the help she needs. And I don’t if Of she’s avoiding it because she doesn’t know what to do to get the help she needs or doesn’t know what kind of help she needs, or something else. But she needs to start off by getting a diagnosis so she can find an appropriate treatment plan.
NTA.
Since the current pattern isn’t working, it’s time to switch gears.
I would start with a psychoeducational reevaluation since it has been some time since she’s been tested, I’m guessing, if she has ever been tested at all. If she’s not on board with this then that tells you something about her potential for change and her motivations for her behavior. You mentioned that the therapist has helped her, but I’m concerned that whatever progress she has made is not enough to pull her back from continuing on an unsustainable path.
I’d also consider adjusting your expectations. School can happen only when she’s ready, and she clearly doesn’t have the mindset for it at the moment. The priority here is that she’s not being a functional adult, and at the rate she’s going she may never learn to be one. I would be interested in what her short- and longterm goals are and how she will plan to achieve them. What is her plan for survival if you become disabled or pass away tomorrow?
Have you had a financial discussion with her about budgeting, what funds you are willing to provide, etc.? Is it really helping her to become an independent, healthy adult to be funding her FOMO lifestyle with no strings attached?
It’s not comfortable, but we parents aren’t there to be their enablers nor their friends. They will make you feel guilty and like you’re hurting them on purpose, but don’t let that influence your decision making. You’re allowed to have a line in the sand as to what you can offer in terms of support. My ILs have provided everything material for my SIL’s family so they can appear to be middle class but not the stuff that would have made a difference in her overall outcome, like therapy and budgeting skills. Now they’re in their 80s supporting 4 generations on a single pension and wondering how they ended up like this.
Good luck, I hope the two of you can work something out together.
You’re describing exactly what I’ve been through with my daughter. It could be my story, word for word. The only real differences are that she didn’t have a job or go to university, and she hasn’t found a therapist she connects with. She tends to open up at first, but once a therapist starts holding her accountable or giving her homework, she loses interest and moves on.
Eventually, we asked her to move out, and she stayed with a friend for about six months. When she asked to come back, we sat down and talked seriously about what that would look like and what our boundaries were. I’ve told her that she needs to push through and start building resilience. I’ve also had my own counselling to help me understand her better and cope with everything. We did family counselling too, which really helped and made it possible for her to move back in.
One of the biggest challenges was that she still saw herself as a young teenager instead of an adult. She’s had to work on changing that image of herself. We recently moved to a new place, and surprisingly, that seems to have really helped. It gave her a fresh start. Time will tell if she can keep it going, but she’s just been offered a full-time job and has gotten rid of a lot of stuff so she can keep her space under control instead of letting it pile up around her.
If your daughter is like mine going out, drinking, smoking weed, sleeping in and being out at all hours is all about avoiding the reality that she is lost and scared and doesn’t know what to do or thinks she will fail at it and so she doesn’t try, and avoids everything instead.
I’m not saying asking your daughter to move out or moving house is the answer. Every situation is different. I just wanted to share what we went through in case it helps in any way.
NTA. Seriously. Ask Her what she would do if you got hit by a freaking bus tomorrow. None of us ever know what’s gonna happen. You could be dead tomorrow. Then what is she gonna do? Stop coddling your adult daughter.
Some people don’t improve with therapy alone. She may need medication.
Maybe she should see a psychiatrist.
Sounds like your daughter has ADHD. Yall should look at getting her tested and medicated.
This isn’t depression. It’s a lack of discipline.
Has she been to a psychiatrist and had a neuropsych evaluation done? Is she being treated for depression? Is it ineffective? Could the depression be masking something else? …sounds like you are both struggling and could use extra support-
Yeah that’s not really how depression works.
Set your standards, communicate clearly, and then hold her accountable.
You do not want her living at home, single and thirty-five with a decade of unemployment under your belt.
NTA
She needs a psychiatrist, she sounds like she’s got inattentive ADHD.
OP, I can see where you are saying she is using her depression to be lazy. However, most unmediated depressed people can choose fun task(s) like hanging out with friends. The clubbing is odd especially if it lead to an accident. Was she driving drunk? That’s an entirely different situation, because she could have killed herself or someone else.
Though to be fair if this summer her friends are here and will be leaving at the end she wants to spend as much time as possible. Yes, it can seem frustrating when that’s all she wants to do and not taking care of herself. That’s when you set boundaries of when she needs to be back home.
I’d make sure depression and anxiety is all she has. Sometimes those two can be symptoms of others. I’m a big advocate for mental health meditation but not all feel that great about it.
My mother has told me something exactly like this.
Hey umh all the things you mentioned which she struggles with are indeed signs of depression. Yeah she lacks motivation because of the depression lol. You think she likes failing at school? Obviously she doesn’t
She may be depressed but your bieng played hard , depression don’t work like that , she has an excuse to do what she wants and a shitty therapist
She sounds like me when I was younger. As it turns out, my depression and extreme anxiety were neurodivergeance in disguise.
Sometimes, being “gifted” is more like being cursed; you’ll be drowning, and people will say, “You could just swim harder if you really wanted to, I’ve seen you swim before!”
I’m not saying that is what’s happening in this case, but it is something to think about.
YTA.
I think you e done all you can as a parent. It’s hard to realize when it’s time to let them go but her time is now. She’s 21 and has shown you that she has no interest in school. She works and seems able to manage that so give her a deadline to get her own place and stop paying for school. She may someday revisit it on her own. She may also find a new therapist on her own. She’s an adult now and it’s really up to her. I know how hard this is as my daughter has bipolar which was diagnosed at 17. We got depression diagnosis at 14 but it was much more and we knew that. That’s a long story. Suffice to say it was very difficult to let her go out into the world when the time came but I had to. Did I call and text and FaceTime and visit as much as she’d allow? Absolutely 😊. I can hear in her voice when something is off. But little by little, one step forward, two back sometimes, she made her own life. Now, she’s 37, married, works full time and the momma to two corgis 😊. She’s happy and healthy. Your daughter will be, too. Will you always worry and be anxious and a bit more heightened and ears pricked? Yes, too 😊. But it gets easier the more they succeed and they do succeed and find their way. They just need us to catch them when they need us and guide them and love them. You got this. YNTA you’re just a worried loving Mom 🙏🏻❤️😊. Big hugs to you 🩷🩷
As someone who was a recluse for 15 years (because of depression) and used depression as an excuse, I can tell you with 100% certainty that I wish my mom would’ve been more forceful with me. “If you want to live here, you need to do x, y, z, if not, you need to find somewhere else to go.”
I spent up to 18 hours in bed everyday. Almost half my life, wasted. I love my mom, but she totally enabled me. Don’t make the same mistake.
Get her to a psychiatrist
NTA–I used to have depression. I was still expected to get at least passing grades and to do household chores.
There are a couple possible scenarios here, one or both may apply: her therapist may not be giving her the right tools/is telling her what she wants to hear, and/or is co-opting depression as an excuse.
Nah, you’re trying to feed her hard truths, perspectives, and life lessons.
She’s trying to feed you the reasons, her burdens and nihilism.
Ya’ll both have your objectives in the discussion. It’s just one of those discussions that’s hard to find a middle ground in for a compromised solution.
Good on you, regardless, for tackling this head on, while knowing it wasn’t going to be an easy road.
You do it out of care.
YTA. Simple as that. Immediately stop perceiving her depression as an excuse
A therapist that just tells you Yes all the time isn’t helping. Having a therapist making you feel uncomfortable and self reflective is more important. She also may have ADHD or something other than depression. Sounds like she needs a psychiatrist more than her therapist at this point.
Talk therapy can be great
Is she on meds?
Might help
She need a a full psychiatric work up and probably medication.N
That being said it sounds like she is also manipulating you; she doesn’t work, she parties, you buy her a car…. And she fails classes. Assuming she’s not working so you are full supporting her and she doesn’t have any responsibilities. I know people here are saying ADHD but I think she needs a full work up; could also be a personality disorder or something like bipolar.
You need to set better boundaries;
She gets the full psych work up, gets a job, maybe takes a class or two at community college to get her grades up, maybe finds a new therapist.
At a certain point you may have to let her go and figure it out on her own.
The lack of empathy in this comment section is so disheartening. 😞 I’m gonna say soft YTA.
You obviously have good intentions and want the best for your daughter, but you need to put more effort into understanding her behavior rather than just judging it.
This sounds like it could definitely be adhd/autism and I would highly recommend seeking out more info about that.
People with adhd/depression are constantly accused of being lazy because the outside world only witnesses them not doing the things they’re supposed to be doing. What they don’t see is the agony and inner turmoil over not being able to just do the things. We already feel shame about it, we don’t need other people to pile it on. I would guess that what your daughter needs the most is compassion- from you and for her herself.
Developing compassion for myself and understanding why I struggled so much has been such a game changer for me. I also realized that, more than depression, I was experiencing burnout. ADHD/autistic burnout is different than the kind of burnout neurotypical people feel and can last years if not properly addressed. Having a therapist who specializes in working with neurodivergent people has been such an integral part of my recovery. I don’t even really experience depression anymore. Which is HUGE as someone who spent the majority of their life feeling depressed. I didn’t think I’d make it past 30. But here I am, 35 and confidently managing burnout and living a life I never thought possible.
That being said, getting better will also require the desire to get better on your daughter’s part. Hopefully she is ready to do that. But either way, telling someone to stop using their depression as an excuse is probably never going to be helpful.