Hi y’all! My husband just show me this site so don’t mind me if I’m using it wrong!
So, my daughter’s school cc’s parents in all email interactions between our children and their teachers, and I don’t think my daughter was aware of this. So a few days ago, I discovered that she had emailed her teacher asking to be exempt from a math test, stating that it’s because her mother “passed away”. I of course, am still here.
I strictly believe that lying is wrong, and I have always taught my daughter that. I especially cannot accept someone lying on behalf on my literal non-existent grave. So, I decided the best course of action was to go in and speak to her teacher, so she could see that I am very much still kicking.
So yesterday, I went to pick my daughter up and decided to casually go say hi to her teacher. My daughter began making excuses saying we had to leave immediately and that I shouldn’t go in. I, however, didn’t listen and walked into the classroom and introduced myself as Kara’s mother. The teacher was immediately confused and asked if I was her stepmother. When I said no, the teacher told us that she thought her mother had passed away. Kara began to panic and said that she meant her father had passed away not her mother. After I refused to back up yet another lie, she ran out of the room crying.
Today Kara told me that she got a 0 on her test as she had no real excuse for missing it. I’ve also grounded her for a month and will be teaching her about honesty. But her and her father strongly think that I’m in the wrong. She hasn’t been speaking to me and my husband said he thinks I acted poorly and need to go apologize. I don’t think I do, so let me know what you all think. Thanks!
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Hi y’all! My husband just show me this site so don’t mind me if I’m using it wrong!
So, my daughter’s school cc’s parents in all email interactions between our children and their teachers, and I don’t think my daughter was aware of this. So a few days ago, I discovered that she had emailed her teacher asking to be exempt from a math test, stating that it’s because her mother “passed away”. I of course, am still here.
I strictly believe that lying is wrong, and I have always taught my daughter that. I especially cannot accept someone lying on behalf on my literal non-existent grave. So, I decided the best course of action was to go in and speak to her teacher, so she could see that I am very much still kicking.
So yesterday, I went to pick my daughter up and decided to casually go say hi to her teacher. My daughter began making excuses saying we had to leave immediately and that I shouldn’t go in. I, however, didn’t listen and walked into the classroom and introduced myself as Kara’s mother. The teacher was immediately confused and asked if I was her stepmother. When I said no, the teacher told us that she thought her mother had passed away. Kara began to panic and said that she meant her father had passed away not her mother. After I refused to back up yet another lie, she ran out of the room crying.
Today Kara told me that she got a 0 on her test as she had no real excuse for missing it. I’ve also grounded her for a month and will be teaching her about honesty. But her and her father strongly think that I’m in the wrong. She hasn’t been speaking to me and my husband said he thinks I acted poorly and need to go apologize. I don’t think I do, so let me know what you all think. Thanks!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My daughter lied and said that I had passed away to get out of a test. So i told her teacher that I was still alive and grounded my daughter for a month. My husband and her think im an asshole. I might be the asshole because i could have easily let her be and let my daughter get out of a test. however i chose to prove her wrong and got her a 0 on her math test.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You are teaching your daughter honesty and responsibility. She takes after her father, so it’s going to take a lot of work on your part.
NTA for going in there and saying Hi. Your daughter tried a classic lie, and she was going to get busted sooner or later. You just made it sooner.
That being said, IMO grounding her was inappropriate, and a month is super extreme. She already got the consequences: embarrassment, and the zero. That’s enough for the learning experience. Adding punishment is just punitive but does not add value.
NTA
Did I miss an age on the kid? It is better your kid learn now not to make excuses/lies (that can easily be verified).
OTOH, I am one of those who believe saying my kid is sick because they need a mental health day is perfectly fine. 😂😂
NTA. That’s hilarious. You and the husband need to get on the same damn page though because parents undermining each other is rarely beneficial.
NTA. You are alive, and it was a pretty serious lie.
But… Is she struggling with that subject such that she felt the need to lie to get out of a test? I mean, we all hated tests, but not usually to that level.
NTA, if anything this is the perfect time to continue to teach your daughter that lying is wrong. If you let a lie like this go, it only leaves room for MORE lies in the future. It is much much better learning this lesson now instead of waiting to learn it when she is older and she lies about something she cant recover from as easily. You have just made her life a LOT easier by ensuring that she doesnt have to keep up with many more lies in the future
Must be fake. No school would not follow up if a kid said her parent had died.
NTA
She lied and it likely was going to come out. She didn’t do a low level, the dog ate my homework, she was willing to let the school believe that you had died and that maybe your daughter had special counseling needs or who knows. You are correct that children MUST know that dishonesty is not acceptable and it is taught by example and by showing consequences. Her father is a failure on this front not supporting the discipline and this likely would encourage it as their own “little dirty secret” if you don’t instill in her a moral compass.
NTA – your daughter is a really lousy liar, I assume she is quite young? Otherwise I am really baffled how she thought this would work out, latest parent teacher conferences.
NTA. If she uses such a lie at this age then you can’r know what she will invent in the future.
Your husband is TA (capslock) for accepting the fact that your daughter lied in such manner. I would ask him how would he feel if his daughter would lie people telling them that he died…
And if your daughter doesn’t speak to you is because she doesn’t realise the gravity of her lies. If she would understand, she would apologizeAnd the fact the she dared to continue to lie before you… Yiu did the right thing.
The life is like a wheel… What goes around, comes aorunf and your daughter ans huaband will see that you were right.
NTA for clarifying the situation with the teacher but I think you have bigger issues here
deciding a punishment arbitrarily with out making sure that your husband was in agreement with the length and scope of the punishment. If he won’t enforce she can play your two off eachother. You need to make sure you are in agreement BEFORE you set a punishment
Why did your daughter feel the need to lie to get out of the test – and why would she lie about something so easily fact checked – and for that matter why did the teacher fail to fact check this. Was she just unprepared (didn’t study)? does she struggle with the subject and need tutoring or support? Are you and your husband piling chores and/or extracurricular onto her so that she doesn’t have the time to study?
NTA. Making up an excuse like somebody is ill etc.,I can understand children doing that but a death? Then changing it to the other parent too. What did they think was going to happen? A well deserved 0.
NTA
My mom actually has died. This year. That’s not something you lie about. Your daughter, and husband especially, are the real assholes here.
NTA. What is wrong with your husband?
Nope, she faced a natural censequence to her lie. NTA.
NTA
Your husband is being too passive and your daughter needs to learn this is unacceptable behavior.
Definitely not Asian
Just making these sort of comments / wearing a white headband / chopsticks in rice would have got me shouted at fml
NTA – your husband isn’t doing her any favors by treating her like a princess who can’t do anything wrong. Those people grow up to be people that nobody likes.
NTA and I would’ve done the same thing. Going in to say hi was way more epic then an email lol
NTA- age 14 is what, Grade 9? Better she learn a harsh lesson now when marks don’t matter than later on in life when it could cost her her career.
What did your husband think you should have done? Just let her get away with it?
NTA. Natural consequence. Why does dad want to raise a liar?
Your husband is an idiot for backing up your daughter and letting her believe it’s okay to lie like that. NTA
I’m a teacher. I love my students. If one told me a parent had just passed away, I’d give them extensions, go easy on grading, do a counseling referral and check on them constantly. I’d go home and cry for them at the end of the day. I’d look into grief counseling resources for them and check on the family to see if they needed anything.
You are not over reacting.
NTA
This is so dumb
NTA
Was it embarrassing for her? Absolutely. But lying about serious things is not okay and a punishment is in place. You’re in the right here.
Better she learns a hard lesson now than later. I have a friend who’s a college professor and she’s even had students make fake funeral programs to get out of missing assignments.
I do think it’s worth following up with your daughter to find out why she wanted to get out of the test. There must be an underlying reason.
Your husband should take this more seriously. You need to hold her accountable, but also make space for her to be able to speak with you about it.
Absolutely NTA.
I can’t think what your daughter was playing at. Everyone knows it’s Grandma that lives a Schrodinger’s existence.
NTA What mental gymnastics are they playing with themselves to think you are in the wrong. I would have done the same as you did. I can deal with a lot of behaviors but lying is the one thing I won’t tolerate from my kids.
NTA. A tough lesson, but hopefully one she’ll only need to learn once.
Wait your husband thinks your wrong?!? NTA
NTA but what the heck is dad even doing?? And you need to discuss not just punish. Find out why she went to such lengths to get out of the test. Explain the options she has if she is struggling.
NTA
Classic FAFO. Why does dad think you’re in the wrong?
uhhhhh OP why is your husband okay with your child’s teachers thinking you are dead? all my alarm bells are going off.
You should ground her one month for lying and another month for telling a really stupid lie
NTA- Your daughter messed up and paid the price. She deserved that 0. And you and your husband need to get on the same page. No way he should be defending this.
NTA – your daughter said you were dead to get out of a test. Then flipped to say her father was dead. She got caught & has to deal with it. It’s strange that your husband is saying you acted poorly, instead of your daughter. To be sure, how old is your daughter? Hopefully this can be something she can learn from – it would’ve been better for her to just fail the test honestly than get a 0. And it sounds like you’re punishing her for lying, not the bad grade – so seriously, how does that not connect for your daughter & your husband that this is simply a consequence for her actions?
To say that you died is an awful lie to put out in the world, just to get out of a test…
NTA
It sounds to me that your husband is okay with your daughter slacking off and lying. His reaction is telling me that he’s enabling this type of behavior
NTA You did the right thing. I think the person you should talk to is your husband – what lesson is he trying to teach your daughter? She lied, got caught and got punished. Tell her that as a child she’ll get away with stuff you’ll never know about but if caught, be mature enough ti take the consequences.
Absolutely not.
ESH. She doesn’t need to be grounded for a month – the natural consequences are enough. Try to see it as you and her (and her father and teacher) all on a team against the “bad” – which is the lie. Why does she feel she needs to lie? As a child, I had to lie because I experienced executive dysfunction and was punished instead of given grace, so I would lie in order to avoid punishment for something that was out of my control. I very much wanted to be a perfect child, but I couldn’t manage to do it. Your child is clearly petrified of getting bad grades. She is now incredibly upset because she got a bad grade. That is punishment enough. Next steps are helping her to not feel the need to lie, because she is feels in control and does not feel excessive shame or fear of punishment (or some natural consequence) for things that she is struggling with.
You did EXACTLY the right thing. Honesty is one of the most important concepts a child must learn and she really messed up.
NTA.
Her father thinks you’re wrong?
How would he have handled this situation, I wonder?
NTA
WTH?
with what rationale does your husband think you ‘acted poorly’?
Apologize for WHAT, and to WHOM? The teacher? Your daughter? I truly dont’ get it.
Is he not concerned his daughter lied straight to her teacher’s face to skip a test?
NTA
WHAT? Your husband thinks that YOU acted poorly? What did he want you to do? Let the teacher continue to think that one of her parents had died? Who does he think you should apologize to? I think that you actually handled that beautifully and your daughter absolutely needed those consequences.
Absolutely NTA. Your daughter was unprepared for a test and lied (a pretty egregious one, too). She deserved the zero. She deserves a punishment and the lesson that actions have consequences. This is a teachable moment and your husband should be on board with the punishment and conversations about the consequences of lying. He’s a bit of an AH telling you you’re being too harsh. He should be part of fixing the issue and teaching your child lying is wrong.
Glad you’re not dead! Lol
NTA, your husband is a m*ron
If you truly believe in your principles that much, why would you even ask the question?
NTA. Your daughter is learning a valuable lesson: lying gets you into trouble.
Plus, that’s a HUGELY messed up lie to make that probably would have been raising all kind of school counselor check in flags.
She absolutely should be held accountable for it.
As a teacher, I can assure you that I definitely want to know when kids are lying like that. Because bereavement and other issues have totally different policies than a kid just skipping school for a day when it comes to makeup work, and I’m not about a student trying to play the system. Because if they do and cause too many problems, down the line some drastically more convoluted make up work policies may be made that make it immensely harder on kids who really are going through things like that.
How old is Kara? NTA – she got a zero because she skipped a test and lied about the reason.
She has suffered a natural consequence for her actions.
What’s the deal with her father though? Is her father the same person as your husband? If so, you need to have a private discussion with him about being on the same team as you.
Of course she thinks you’re wrong, because she got caught and is being punished. Why does her father think you’re wrong?
Also why does your husband (the father? maybe?) think you acted poorly and need to apologize? What exactly are you apologizing for?
As a completely separate action from punishing her, I would try to get to the bottom of why she so desperately wanted to skip the math test? Does she struggle? Maybe she needs a tutor or something.
Bummer, Kara. Learn to tell more believable lies. Tell your husband that Kara’s lying skills are abominable and need to be worked on. Let him know that he can be the sacrificial lamb (metaphorically) the next time that Kara needs a get out of jail free card. Good on you for teaching Kara that she’s going to have to step up her game!
NTA you did the right thing, your husband is wrong for wanting to “reward” your daughter for lying. Him sticking up for her is basically telling her that it’s okay to lie and she will think that she can do it every time. Stand your ground and don’t back down to either of them.
NTA and I’d reconsider raising kids with him after that, counseling for sure.
To my mind, a lot depends upon the age of your daughter. If she’s 11 years old and unable to think things though logically, her lie makes a lot more sense than if she’s 16 and simply desperate to avoid a math test.
In either case, I think that showing up and introducing yourself to the teacher was absolutely appropriate. Bravo! If the child is 11, a month of grounding might be extreme, but you’re the parent and know what you have to do to have an impact on your kid. If she’s 16, ground away. She’ll be out of your control soon and you really need to get this lesson across to her.
In either case, mandatory math tutoring and checking her homework every single night. If she still doesn’t seem to get it, do some testing to make sure you’re not looking at an LD that impacts her math ability and would require a different approach to math or dropping to a lower tier in math learning in order to succeed. (Even a very intelligent person can have an LD that impacts math. And this might not show up until math gets increasingly challenging as they get older.) You need to figure out what’s up with her math so she won’t be reduced to ridiculous lies.
Also in either case, start paying attention to whether you’re seeing other, smaller lies and address every single one. It doesn’t help that your husband wants to look the other way and thinks that you — the parent who wants to raise the child not to lie like this — need to apologize. Excuse me, but no! If you two need to see a child therapist who can help him learn more about child development and good parenting, maybe consider this? (One also wonders if his attitude about lying played a part in your child’s behavior in the first place. If so, do try to fix this!)
You sound like a great parent and not even 1% NTA.
NTA. He is trying to raise an entitled spoiled princess and you want to raise a normal human who doesn’t lie (poorly might I add) to get out of a test.
WHAT??? Your husband is “DE@D” WRONG (appropriately) and he’s TA here, not you. Holy cow, is he for real? Why would you apologize for parenting properly?
NTA
This is actually a great teaching moment & a valuable life lesson. If this happened in university, she would fail the class. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences. A month may be a little too long for her age, though. You also might want to look into her seeing a therapist just to make sure the lying isn’t due to an underlying issue.
You not only have a lying child problem, you have a husband problem. There is absolutely no way a normal parent would condone or minimize the type of lie that your daughter tried to pull and then to double down and say she meant to say her father died not her mother. No you do not need to apologize to a blatantly disrespectful child, but I do believe your husband and your daughter need therapy if either one of them believes this is ok and normal.
Behavior is the language of children. Might be worth looking into getting her a therapist or digging a little deeper on what was actually going on for her about the test. Maybe she has test anxiety? Maybe math is very hard for her? I know for me math was excruciating in high school and embarrassing that I didn’t understand most of it. I never felt safe enough to tell this to my parents who expected all A’s all the time. I know this is only my experience… And if you want closeness with your daughter, you’ll need to make it safe enough for her to communicate with you about what happened. Hope this helps… and for the record, I would’ve been upset too if this were my kiddo.
NTA. Your daughter ‘killed you off’ to get out of a test. That’s messed up and worth a 0 on the test and a grounding. Totally reasonable.
Based on your husbands reaction we can see where she learned that lying is okay.
NTA, did you tell husband he was considered dead too so his opinion is no longer vaild. Why is your husband condoning her lying? That is the real problem here.
YTA. You should have reached out to the teacher and worked cooperatively on the best way to make it plain to Kara that the lie had been found out, she still had to do the math test (even if the zero grade stands) and that there will be consequences at school and at home. Putting a child on the spot like that, and the teacher too BTW isn’t the best way to get a positive outcome. Hopefully you get to nip this behavior in the bud.
Bigger question is: How did your daughter miss the test? Did she skip school, was she in another part of school she shouldn’t be in? Did she leave campus? Something bigger is wrong if she “missed the test”.
If she had an excused absence that’s easy to rectify. It just takes a note from you. Does she have an unexcused absence marked for test day?
More to investigate and no you were not wrong but your husband is cutting your legs out from under you by saying you are in front of your daughter. That’s a closed door parent discussion. You also need to put him back in line or you will be forever divided from your daughter AND your husband. That’s the wrong 2 against 1 and the 1 doesn’t get a vote. You don’t want a lying child and her sympathetic parent paired up against you who’s teaching morals.
Now, later on in high school when something stressful was happening regarding overwhelming testing for common core or whenever my kids were burned out I lied and said they were sick or had a migraine and gave them a rest day.
NTA but this is really concerning behaviour being enabled by your husband. Kara needs a professional to help her unpack why she’d do that in the first place and why she doesn’t recognise it as morally wrong.
Info
Is your husband comfortable with liars or does he often lie himself?
I’m trying to understand where such crappy parenting is stemming from
Info- just…. What?
There has to be something missing…. Why would your husband think you were wrong there?
How old is this kid.
Again….what?
What not respond to the email instead of making it uncomfortable for the teacher?
Why not confront your daughter first?
Why not get to the bottom of why she felt the need to tell such an extreme lie to miss a test?
If you saw the email, why did she miss the test anyway?
Ground your husband.
NTA.
NTA! There’s a consequence for every action. The earlier your daughter learns that the better!
NTA OP’s child needs to learn about facts, lying and honesty. It’s surprising that at the age where missing a test is important she hasn’t learned this already.
How old is OP’s child? She should understand what honesty is and know how to be honest by age 5. I suspect she’s a lot older.
Why isn’t OP’s husband in favor of teaching their child to be honest? The fact that lies result in consequences is another lesson this child needs to learn.
EGAD: Just read the comments to find out the daughter is 14!!!!
NTA. Absolutely unacceptable to lie about death. To me that’s just bad juju. Boo hoo tears over being caught in her lie. Good job mom, happy you’re alive!
Weird to make up a story where the major ethical issue is about lying.
No school is going to hear that a students mother DIED and then so absolutely no follow up whatsoever
Fake and weird
NTA cause what if you didn’t even know about the lie and had genuinely wanted to just introduce yourself to their teacher? That wouldn’t have been your fault. She shouldn’t have lied, and a very manipulative one at that.
You have a husband problem. He is, and clearly has in the past, undermined your efforts to raise a decent human being. NTA
NTA
Besides having picked a very stupid lie that is easy to detect, it’s also a horrible one. Plenty of children have lost one or both parents and wish they still were alive. It is so distasteful to use such a horrific event as loosing a parent to get out of a math test.
Wtf is wrong with your husband
Do not reward such a blatant lie
NTA!
Your husband would’ve played it off like you were dead? What the hell? Little white lies are one thing (still shouldn’t be rewarded), but lying about death waaay on the other end of the spectrum.
NTA.
What were you supposed to do, play dead for the rest of your daughter’s time at this school?
Shame on your husband for not backing you up and sending your daughter mixed signals. She still doesn’t think she did anything wrong because her father sent that message by his actions. Since when does a parent apologize to a child when they get caught lying and cheating? Why your husband thinks that is ok is beyond me. You need to have a serious conversation with him about being united in front of your daughter. You are definitely NOT TAH, but your husband sure is.
NTA. Why would she tell such an easily disproveable lie? Dead grandparents are the go to for a reason.
Did she ever give a reason why she didn’t want to do the test?
You gave her a great lesson in FAFO. She is reaping the result of what she sowed.
Your husband is nutz.
NTA, you’re not in the wrong and your husband is pretty stupid to think you are and acting like you need to apologise when you don’t need too
NTA
My parent had the audacity to go to parent-teacher interviews and not corroborate my stories. I was very disappointed in both my parent and my teachers.
This cannot be real.
NTA. You don’t say how old your daughter is, but… WTF did she think was going to happen?? 🤣🤦♀️
And her dad is none too bright either, sorry.
She gets a bit of a pass. She’s a kid and she did somehting stupid. Punishment is wholly apporpriate. Her dad on the other is an AH for not backing you up. What your daughter did was wrong. Plain and simple. Teaching her not to accept it as such, to hten learn a lesson, and move on is really bad parenting.
No way. She could’ve easily talked to her teacher if she wasn’t ready for the test. You don’t get to lie.
But seriously she only missed one year for her mother’s death? How dumb is this teacher.
I would get her into some counseling, maybe she has some test anxiety she isn’t handling well. But worse, she’s blaming you and not taking accountability for her actions. This is not ok.
NTA, and what a stupid lie, too. I mean, it would HAVE to come out eventually. You’d either show up to school for a parent teacher conference, or a concert, or a science fair, or graduation… Your daughter not only has picked up a very bad habit (lying), she is also doing it VERY badly. No forethought whatsoever. Did you ask her how she was going to square it when you eventually showed up at school one day and met her teacher? And on what weird basis does your husband think that YOU are the one in the wrong? I don’t have kids, but isn’t “don’t lie” one of the most basic things you’d be expected to teach your progeny?
NTA
What was her game plan…just keep you out of the school for the rest of her high school career?
Honestly, even if you were the kind of parent who was ok with their kid telling fibs to get out of tests they forgot to study for…You still gotta punish them for using such a terrible lie in the first place
NTA. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. I would also be curious with the dad for trying to get her to go along with it. That’s some fucked up BS
Say what? No fuck that. You need to have a sit down with dad and explain to him why he’s an asshole. Show him this thread. Fuck that.
nta. what’s wrong with your husband???
NTA Actions have consequences and you had a teachable moment and you took it. Perfectly played.
INFO Can you explain exactly what your husband thinks you did wrong? Were you supposed to pretend to be dead? Were you supposed to pretend your husband was dead? Lying is a really bad habit to get in to. I think you handled it perfectly.
NTA. But what is your husband’s solution? Not have you ever do school pickup ever again? Not going to any school events?
I would be somewhat concerned why your daughter is so wound up about the test that the better option is saying one of her parents is dead. Not even her grandmother or grandfather.
Who are you apologizing to for what? Being alive? Your daughter would get that zero as soon as you showed up to anything at school. Be it now or another time.
NTA. Spot-on consequences and discipline, Mom. Keep it up.
Nta plazy stupid games, win stupid prices
Your hubby can play dead for the teacher if he likes to, will fuck up your daughter for live so glad you keep track
Twoja córka świadomie skłamała, a Ty nie miałaś obowiązku podtrzymywać tej historii. Rozumiem, że była zawstydzona, ale to normalne, kiedy kłamstwo wychodzi na jaw. Może teraz lepiej zrozumie, dlaczego takie rzeczy mają konsekwencje. Gdybyś nic nie powiedziała, nauczycielka mogłaby dalej wierzyć w nieprawdziwą historię — a to dopiero byłoby niezręczne
Well, that is quite the husband problem to discover. Gotta solve that to fix kiddos dishonesty.
NTA. Kids acting like your daughter are the reason why when my grandma died I had to show my school her death certificate before I was allowed time off. They make it harder for other kids to get time off for legit reasons. Your husband is wrong.
You need to get to the bottom of why your daughter is telling big lies for a maths test though. Did she not study, or is she having problems with the class? It may just be her pulling a fast one but I’d be curious why she did it.
NTA. Your daughter learned a valuable life lesson. Lying has consequences.
Also, if she’s gonna lie about a death, maybe pick a relative who’s not going to pick her up from school or have to attend parent conferences.
NTA—actions have consequences, and this is a relatively low-risk way to learn that lesson.
INFO: what, exactly, your hubby says you need to apologize for?
The way I was raised I would have been terrified to say someone had died. Afraid it would result in the death of someone I loved. You know jinx the situation. Never lie about death of a loved one. Also lying to get out of a test is just plain wrong. My child would have had to live with the consequences.
Your husband may be part of the reason why your daughter felt it was acceptable to lie about YOUR DEATH to get out of a test she didn’t study for.
It was a stupid lie, too. You’d be at back to school nights, school functions, and would likely email the teacher at some point with a question on her grades.
Your husband is actively undermining you on teaching character and personal responsibility. That’s a problem between you two.
Ask your husband if he wants to raise his daughter to have good character, or to lie to get out of her responsibilities. Ask him if he’d be willing to skip her high school graduation as he’s supposedly “dead” and doesn’t want to expose her lie.
NTA
However, I think you could have handled it better. Assuming she’s a teenager or pre-teen, this was very embarrassing for her and will make her resent you. She probably won’t learn a lesson from this, but just be mad at you. You should have come to her and then went to the teacher together to confess she was lying.
I agree with the grounding and the coming clean, but doing it in such a harsh way is unlikely to make her see why she was in the wrong and will just make her blame you.
Thank you for being a good parent
NTA, but also a funny story (ish) on the other side. I am a teacher and I had a student where I had the brother earlier. I knew the mom (mom kinda scared me a bit) and so I would make references to the mom to the student in 1:1 sessions. Also the mom was listed on the contact form.
Had a meeting with my boss and mentioned how much I like having siblings because I know their parents, and brought up this kid as an example. He looked at me and was like “celoplyr, her mom died”.
Took me a week to get up the courage to ask the kid, and yes, the mom had passed away at some point between her bother and her. Luckily, the kid appreciated how mortified I was and that I hadn’t said anything bad, and that I really didn’t know.
I still feel terrible.
But all that being said, absolutely NTA because your daughter should not be using a terrible TERRIBLE tragedy to get out of a test, and this is a great way to teach her that lesson.
OOF thats bad.
Not in a “what an awful lie to tell because it hurts peoples feelings” even though it was, it was an awful lie because
NTA
And to your partner, this wasnt just “we lost internet and i couldn’t submit XYZ assignment”. This was a death.
What if it was “my dad hits me if i dont do all the chores and i didnt have time to do the assignment.”
Or what if she gets in trouble for something so she goes to mom and says “i saw daddy kissing the neighbor” to get the attention off of her?
Lying is a growth habit. Nip it now and let her learn the consequences before the stakes get bigger because they will and she does NOT want to be on the other end of an angry boyfriend/girlfriend or court case.
The real power move here is obviously to fake your own death.
Either you need a divorce or better writing skills.
The teacher didn’t follow up at all with the office records or other parent on file?
NTA.
What kind of a message is your husband teaching your daughter here? That dishonesty is okay if you don’t feel like doing something difficult or inconvenient? That’s the type of life-lesson that will backfire spectacularly IRL, especially when it comes to any future employment.
Sucks that your daughter didn’t study for her test (or just didn’t want to take it). She was shamed in front of her teacher, she was grounded by you, and she needs to reflect on what was wrong with her actions, not get support from her father.
NTA and I don’t care if she is 6 or 16 years old. Lying on your own Mom’s life is really disturbing.
Girl you know you’re not in the wrong. You’re being a parent, like you should.
NTA. You didn’t act poorly, you’re teaching her that her actions have consequences, I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re probably the parent that would’ve attended the parent teacher conferences, what was she going to do when that time came? Because most of those are mandatory and you or your husband would’ve had to explain that you’re not dead there. Your husband needs to also be an adult here and realize what she did was not okay, and just because it upset daughter doesn’t mean YOU are in the wrong, she still 110% is.
NTA. The grounding is appropriate. However, get her in therapy immediately!
People who lie to get out of conflict or to make situations go in their favor (beyond very minor lies, like saying you’re fine in a casual conversation when you’re not) often have long-term issues with maintaining relationships as adults.
NTA for busting the kid for lies like this.
You’re kinda TA for not teaching her how to lie more believably. Their GRANDPARENT died. A close aunt in a pinch. A sibling who doesn’t go to this school if they REALLY have to lie. Claiming that a parent died is foolish, and it’s up to you to not raise a fool.
NTA. Your “passed away” father of your daughter doesn’t get to have a say in any of this since he accepted that he’s dead according to Kara.
Natural consequences are always good. Bet your daughter doesn’t do that again.
NTA. Your daughter deserved to be shown up and disciplined for telling lies. If she starts and gets away with it then it will only get worse later on. She did say her father died so she cannot be going running to him for support if he is supposedly dead.