This is a long story, so bear with me.
Back in 2015, I was in a serious relationship with a woman I loved deeply. We clicked instantly, and for almost 4 years we were head over heels for each other. At the time, I was figuring life out, and she was working on her bachelor’s. We promised marriage, and at one point I even bought her a ring and proposed. She accepted, and we hugged and cried together.
But a few months later, she completely ghosted me. She blocked me everywhere, and I was devastated. A while later I found out she was marrying her ex of 10 years. I was heartbroken. I tried reaching out multiple times and I even called her mom and asked her to hand the phone over to my ex. Her mom agreed, and when I directly asked my ex if she wanted to say something to me, she simply said “no.” That was it. After that, I let it go and never spoke to her again. Our relationship had lasted exactly 3 years and 11 months.
Now that she wants me back, I told her I had already given her that chance years ago but she claimed she doesn’t even remember it.
Fast forward to last year out of nowhere, she reached out on IMO. At first, it was just small talk, nothing major. Then last month, she asked me to hop on a call. I hesitated but eventually agreed. We ended up talking for 3 hours.
During the call, she told me she regretted everything. She said she never actually wanted to marry her ex but was forced to by her father. Then she turned it around and said it was my fault because I didn’t “take a stand.” I told her, “How could I? You ghosted and blocked me.” She insisted that if I truly loved her, I would’ve fought harder.
She went on to explain that she now has 3 kids, her husband is verbally abusive, and his best friend openly flirts with her while her husband just laughs it off. She admitted she’s been so unhappy she’s even considered ending her life, but she stays for the kids. She said she’s planning on divorcing him and wanted me to accept her back into my life.
I told her honestly that she needs to move on and that I’m getting married soon.
Now I’m wondering if I was too harsh. She was clearly in pain, but after everything she did to me, I didn’t feel it was my responsibility to step back into that mess.
So… AITA for telling my ex to move on instead of giving her another chance or at least support her?
Comments
She needs help but you are not the one to do it. Don’t get sucked back in. Respect your fiancee and tell her everything.
NTA Do you really want to get involved with her, even on a friendly basis? She accepted your proposal, ghosted you, when you did reach her, she had nothing to say. Now she turns up again in distress, blames her father, gaslights you saying you didn’t fight hard enough, husband is abusive, etc, etc, etc. It was everyone’s fault but hers. Why would you want that back PLUS three kids that you’ll probably take on responsibility for? If you feel you need to be there as a friend and support her, maybe do it from afar. Sure bet she’ll want money to get on her feet.
NTA she moved on from you for something she wanted or thought she wanted. You moved on after trying to find out what was going on. Just because she is giving you excuses now & regrets how her life turned out you owe her nothing but to say you wish for the best for her.
NTA, she fucked around and found out lmao. She only truly wants you back because her situation is poor. She got her short end of the stick and you’re doing fine without her.
NTA You were not harsh. I would have refused to speak to her. I had a gf cheat on me and she sent me an email from a strange account a year later telling me how much she regretted what she did and how we were meant to be together. I was engaged to my now wife. I showed her the email, we laughed together and i blocked her there too.
She is looking for a meal ticket and daddy for her 3 kids. You weren’t nearly harsh enough. If you are truly getting married soon i would make sure to come clean with your soon to be wife and block that crazy bitch everywhere.
NTA Dont you have no idea if she is tell truths or lies. She is someone who will ghost you and then blame it on you. She already broke your trust once how many more times is neccessary before you understand.
Like I get she played it out like she had no choice. But she did. Stop talking to her and stop chatting with her. She is trying to worm her way back into your life so she has another husband when she drops this one.
Also what the hell is IMO?
NTA. You don’t owe her politeness. The fact that you even heard her out is more than she deserved. Ghosting someone after nearly 4 years is just cruel.
I also have a huge issue with the whole “you need to fight for me” bullshit – I had an ex pull this on me. My personal feeling on that is that I shouldn’t have to fight for you. If I’m not the clear choice, I’m out. If you ghost me, I’m not going to chase after you (once I realize you truly ghosted me and aren’t in a hospital with amnesia or something.)
You did what you could. You tried to talk to her. She shot you down. You moved on. Her regrets are her problem. Tell her to fuck off and go enjoy your life. You owe this woman nothing.
Wait, you are actually engaged to someone else? Why would you entertain her call for more than a few minutes? She expects you to toss your current relationship and take on an abusive ex husband and three kids – there are much easier ways to blow up your life. Like start a drug habit. NTA.
You don’t owe her anything. She made her bed. Go live your best life. Don’t look back.
“I’m getting married soon” If you still need to ask then there is something wrong somewhere,
shes not your project. You have no ties to her. Tell her she has no place in your life, then go NC.
NTA,
And ghost her completely, she got her dad, mom, and in-laws, you’re not her knight in the shining armor.
She cheated on you, ghosted you, married her ex, She chose poorly, played stupid games, and got her stupid reward. Not your problem not your monkey not your circus.
Now that you have had your closure, she apologized, Don’t be naive, don’t fall for her, grow a spine, and keep NC.
It goes without saying that you must tell your fiancée everything about your Ex call.
Don’t disappoint us in you OP, update us when you confirm closing this chapter of your life forever.
NTA
She’s only reaching out because she needs you to financially support her after the divorce. Please don’t take her back. She made her choice.
You are getting married. Why are you even entertaining this??? Don’t ruin what you have for a woman that dumped you in the worst possible way
NTA – block her
NTA. You did the right thing. It’s never the same after a betrayal
>… claimed she doesn’t even remember it…
>… if I truly loved her, I would’ve fought harder…
>… wanted me to accept her back into my life….
I’m sorry, but where is “I love you” in any of this?
This is a “woe is me” story and pure manipulation. She sees you as a doormat and presumes you will roll over like a good doggy.
Have some self respect and do not talk to her again.
Your mistake was talking to her in the first place. Block her.
NTA. She found out that she bailed on the wrong guy, and now that it turned out to be not so fun, she wants a do-over. Bringing along a couple of kids that aren’t yours. Yeah … nope.
NTA You were matter of fact. Not harsh. She created this and doesn’t like the consequences. Block her and go ahead and be happy with your soon to be wife!
Let’s assume everything she says is true, That she’s from some really traditional culture where fathers do things like this, he forced her to dump and block you, then marry this guy, who then turned out to be abusive, and got pregnant three times even though she didn’t want him.
It’s ridiculous of her to blame you for not “fighting harder”. How hard did she fight, to escape this supposedly controlling family, and the husband they were forcing on her? Maybe if she’d told you at the time, that her father was controlling and abusive, and was forcing you into marriage with this guy, she could have asked you to help her get free of her family. I don’t know where you are, but there are services in many western countries to help and support women who are being forced into marriage.
Even if you were single, and wanted to contemplate getting back together with her, you would need to be very certain that the story she’s telling you is true; that she was forced into the marriage.
What would you tell your current fiancee?
I hate the “you should have fought harder for me” line