My dad and I were never close my parents divorced when I was young. FF to me at 18. We hang out and drink etc now and then and call each other every few months to check in. FF to 2018 his wife of 28 yrs parents die so they move to their house and my family and I rent to own their house to help with their mortgage payments and us buy our first house. Nothing in writing tho. First red flag. FF 6 yrs she kicks dad out she’s cheated on him for 11 yrs and her bf got out of jail for something horrible to an incapacitated person. Dad kicks us out so he can move in to his house we were buying.
He starts calling me weekly and it drives me crazy but I deal and then FF to last year. I’m 42 now btw. I haven’t seen my dad in a year at least but we talk weekly most of the time. He calls sundays when he’s drunk.
My dad has pancreatic cancer. I actually took him to the hospital and I was there for him. His wife isn’t there at all other than to see if he’s dying and take his truck. He’s calling me everyday now. He is doing ok his cancer was caught early so we still don’t know the outcome but the last yr he has done well. They can’t operate unless the tumor shrinks which we’re still waiting to hear about. Anyway I tell him I need boundaries the calls everyday is awkward we never been close he said well that was then. I have cancer now. If I don’t answer he calls over and over and then my husband and then my daughter until I call him back.
I go to his house on Saturdays and go to the market etc. his wife is controlling his money. He gets an allowance and it pisses me off. I don’t want his money he doesn’t even have anything really but I don’t think she should have it. She has been rude to my family returned everything my kids ever made her in school every picture like they don’t exist. AITA for telling him I’m done watching him be used. That if he’s going to pay for her and her pos bf than she can do his marketing. If he’s going to let her talk crap about me and my kids then I don’t want to be around him.
I realize he might not be here much longer but this is crazy hard for me. There’s a lot of details that I can’t put on here but basically he expects everything from me. My sister lives in GA and they don’t talk much either but he has put me in this hard place. He tells his friends he wants to be done with his wife they ask me why I don’t help him get away from her then when I try he won’t let me. His pension could be left to an animal shelter and that would make me happy. I just hate that she’s using him. That he’s letting her. I told him I couldn’t go today to get his groceries but I’d order them to be delivered and he said I don’t have the money I took it out of bank so you have cash. I know that’s not true and if it is where did it all go? Why does he let her do this? And control his money and now I can’t even order his food like I would on days I was sick or couldn’t go do it myself. The leash she has gets tighter and tighter and I wanna tell him to choose. Her or me.AITA
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My dad and I were never close my parents divorced when I was young. FF to me at 18. We hang out and drink etc now and then and call each other every few months to check in. FF to 2018 his wife’s if 28 yrs parents die so they move to their house and my family and I rent to own their house ti help with their mortgage payments and us buy our first house. FF 6 yrs she kicks dad out she’s cheated on him for 11 yrs and her bf got out of jail for something horrible to an incapacitated person. Dad kicks us out so he can move in to his house we were buying. He starts calling me weekly and it drives me crazy but I deal and then FF to last year. I’m 42 now btw. I haven’t seen my dad in a year at least but we talk weekly most of the time. He calls sundays when he’s drunk. My dad has pancreatic cancer. I actually took him to the hospital and I was there for him. His wife isn’t there at all other than to see if he’s dying and take his truck. He’s calling me everyday now. He is doing ok his cancer was caught early so we still don’t know the outcome but the last yr he has done well. They can’t operate unless the tumor shrinks which we’re still waiting to hear about. Anyway I tell him I need boundaries the calls everyday is awkward we never been close he said well that was then. I have cancer now. If I don’t answer he calls over and over and then my husband and then my daughter until I call him back. I go to his house on Saturdays and go to the market etc. his wife is controlling his money. He gets an allowance and it pisses me off. I don’t want his money he doesn’t even have anything really but I don’t think she should have it. She has been rude to my family returned everything my kids ever made her in school every picture like they don’t exist. AITA for telling him I’m done watching him be used. That if he’s going to pay for her and her pos bf than she can do his marketing. If he’s going to let her talk crap about me and my kids then I don’t want to be around him. I realize he might not be here much longer but this is crazy hard for me. There’s a lot of details that I can’t put on here but basically he expects everything from me. My sister lives in GA and they don’t talk much either but he has put me in this hard place. He tells his friends he wants to be done with his wife they ask me why I don’t help him get away from her then when I try he won’t let me. His pension could be left to an animal shelter and that would make me happy. I just hate that she’s using him. That he’s letting her. I told him I couldn’t go today to get his groceries but I’d order them to be delivered and he said I don’t have the money I took it out of bank so you have cash. I know that’s not true and if it is where did it all go? Why does he let her do this? And control his money and now I can’t even order his food like I would on days I was sick or couldn’t go do it myself. The leash she has gets tighter and tighter and I wanna tell him to choose. Her or me.AITA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My dad and I were never close and now he has cancer. His wife who cheated for 11 yrs and kicked him out which in turn made me and my husband and kids have to find a new home is controlling his money. I want to say to choose. Today when I said I can’t come do your marketing and I’d order them online I was told he took the money out and that I had to do it in person with cash. She no longer lets me have access to his bank apparently. I would take out $200 for the market and leave the recipe every week but now I can’t and I want him to choose. Am I am asshole because he has cancer should I deal with it
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. This wall of text is almost impenetrable, and your family relationships sound terrible. But it is up to your Dad to leave his wife, and you shouldn’t push that on him or make an ultimatum that if he doesn’t you will cut him off. But you also don’t have to be at his beck and call, you can set boundaries and communicate those to your Dad and everyone in your circle. And if you’ve paid rent with the expectation of owning the property that needs to be documented, so you don’t lose the cash you’ve put in.
Go for it. Or bring him to a lawyer so that everything he has goes to you and your sister and only ten dollars goes to the wife. The pension might not be transferable. Find out. The lawyer will tell you.
NTA. You need to consult a lawyer about your rent-to-buy agreement with your father and what happens to his estate when he passes away. If things are as bad as you say that they are, you may end up with nothing to show for your payments and efforts.
ESH. Your dad has been a doormat for his abusive wife for too long, but I can’t imagine what he’s going through now. He’s dying and reflecting on his life, how much more of a relationship he could have had with his daughter. Realizing that you care far more about him than his abusive wife ever did. Obviously he should have set firmer boundaries with his wife and walked away, appreciated you more… but you can’t change the past.
Forcing an ultimatum on him to get a divorce is simply not realistic. Divorces take time, they’re messy, he has a whole lot of other shit going on and it doesn’t sound like he can really afford it because his wife will fight him tooth and nail.
A better use of both of your time and money is to hire a lawyer to solidify your future interest in his property. Sure, it would have been better to get it in writing but contracts can be verbal, writing helps for evidentiary reasons. But right now? He’s still alive and can testify to his intent and the verbal agreement, that solves the evidentiary issue. You have a tangible, future interest in the house you made payments on.
I’m not saying to neglect your mental health: you can set healthy boundaries that are not forcing ultimatums around divorce that you will probably regret. Don’t interact with his wife, have him meet you on the street if you plan to see him. If he calls you drunk tell him to call you back in the morning when he’s sober.
And OP, work on your relationship with your dad while you have the chance. I wish you the best.
So he’s doing the classic “now that I’m dying ” life of regrets thing. Buddies up to you and using you for all kinds of emotional and psychological support. Suggesting his wife of three decades is the source of his failures and why he largely abandoned you. And that your children, his grandchildren, were ignored and not valued and even their pictures and gifts were tossed because of his evil wife.
What a f’ing victim, right?
Listen, I’m sorry he was a lousy father. But where he’s at right now is because he was a lousy person who made selfish and lousy choices. Stop being manipulated by him. His wife may very well be an awful person too. But I’m sure he was awful to her as well. He doesn’t need rescued. He’s exactly where all his choices led.
The only real concern is clarifying the status of this sketchy rent to own situation you have. Whatever documentation you have on the arrangement, you and your father need to sit down with an attorney and hammer out something more concrete. Does he have an underlying loan on the property? That would have an accelerator clause upon his death and need to be paid off unless he owns it with his wife. If she’s a joint owner, you could be SOL. And regardless, rent to own arrangements are often not legally recognized. She may have a legal interest even if she’s not on title. He may be able to gift you equity but you’d have to buy her share out.
And the fact that he’s left all this hanging out there so nebulous even a year past a terminal diagnosis, means he doesn’t really care. He likes having the manipulation strings literally hanging over your head.
Get an attorney now. Play along to get along to figure this out. But please have your eyes wide open and realize exactly who you are dealing with.
Report elder abuse. Get on his bank accounts, talk to an attorney. Have him file legal separation or divorce so she gets nothing.
What is ff?