My fiancé and I (both males in our mid 20’s) are planning to get married in about 9 months from now. His sister married into a very religious family that does not believe in gay marriage. She often refers to me as my fiancé’s friend or roommate and always invalidates our relationship. When we got engaged, his sister did not congratulate us and commented to a number of family members that we were committing to a life of sin. Despite her current views, my fiancé and his sister were really close growing up. Well going over numbers for the wedding, my fiancé had included his sister and her husband in the final count. I was shocked and blurted out in anger that I did not want any “bigots” to ruin my wedding day. My fiancé was clearly upset and said he wants to invite his sister even if they don’t come to the wedding. I apologized to my fiancé and said we could invite his sister, but now says he doesn’t want me too feel uncomfortable on our wedding day and is refusing to invite her. In the end, this is the outcome I wanted but I feel that I hurt his feelings. Should I try and convince him to invite his sister to our wedding or let it be?
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My fiancé and I (both males in our mid 20’s) are planning to get married in about 9 months from now. His sister married into a very religious family that does not believe in gay marriage. She often refers to me as my fiancé’s friend or roommate and always invalidates our relationship. When we got engaged, his sister did not congratulate us and commented to a number of family members that we were committing to a life of sin. Despite her current views, my fiancé and his sister were really close growing up. Well going over numbers for the wedding, my fiancé had included his sister and her husband in the final count. I was shocked and blurted out in anger that I did not want any “bigots” to ruin my wedding day. My fiancé was clearly upset and said he wants to invite his sister even if they don’t come to the wedding. I apologized to my fiancé and said we could invite his sister, but now says he doesn’t want me too feel uncomfortable on our wedding day and is refusing to invite her. In the end, this is the outcome I wanted but I feel that I hurt his feelings. Should I try and convince him to invite his sister to our wedding or let it be?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I called my fiancé’s sister a bigot and told him I didn’t want her invited to our wedding.
2. I hurt my fiancés feelings and know he loves his sister and wants to include her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Is she even interested in coming? A lot of people with her beliefs will not attend weddings for gay couples.
Why are you upset? You decided your partner didn’t have a choice.
My best friend and his husband didn’t invite any family members from either side who were homophobic. My best friend’s aunt called to ask why she wasn’t invited. My friend told her it was because she didn’t approve of gay marriage. She agreed she didn’t so he asked why would she want an invite. She said it’s because she’s family. And he informed her that family accepts family not attacks them and he wasn’t paying for a meal for people who didn’t want to be there and would make it all about them by being rude to their friends.
He may have realized it would hurt him less to not invite her than to have her choose not to come.
My heart hurts for your fiancé. The only A here is the sister. You don’t need to convince him to invite her, but I think you should have a conversation about what she means to him and weigh the pros and cons of inviting her. In the end it should be his decision if she’s invited. Most likely, she won’t come anyway (and if she RSVP’s, she might need to be warned the STFU with the sin-talk during the event). I hope you’ll have a magical & bigotfree wedding.
When you marry someone you’re marrying into their family and if that family harms you, whether physically/mentally/emotionally, it’s up to them to decide which side they’re going to back. It should be you in this situation and he did just that.
Of course he doesn’t like cutting family off but at the end of the day you matter more and he’s shown that by ultimately not inviting his sister.
I mean why would you invite someone to a union who disagrees with your decision to do so? NTA.
NTA
But… Since she most likely wouldn’t come anyway, inviting her also makes it clear where everybody stands, she can’t pretend to be the victim. Not an uncommon tactic in certain family dynamics.
Don’t let him invite her. Don’t give in to letting him invite her.
She made her choices already. She doesn’t respect her brother. She doesn’t care about him and his happiness. He needs to accept that.
NAH. His sister is not just unsupportive of your relationship, in some sense she outright hates it; if she won’t even give you the dignity of calling you a boyfriend, then she doesn’t belong at the wedding, imo.
Although your fiancé wanted to invite her initially, he changed his tune when he realized how much it upset you, which is good. If it would bother you to have her there, or even if it just feels dirty to invite someone like that, stand your ground and say you really don’t want to invite her.
It’s not like not inviting her is excising her from your fiancé’s life. She can still be part of his life, just not his wedding because of her attitude toward your relationship specifically.
NTA. Probably best to let her be invited, if she really feels strongly about her opinions she won’t go anyway (unless she is a hypocrite).
Absolutely let it be. He knows his family better than you do.
I don’t know if there actually -is- an answer to this. Neither choice is good, both are fraught with issues. So NTA but could be labelled as such no matter which choice you make.
INFO: How do you and your future husband plan to navigate your future together with his sister? If he overlooks her bigotry it may be a bigger problem than your wedding. Talk about it now.
NTA
NTA. Your fiancé’s change of heart may have been caused by a reality check. Maybe he talked to one of his parents or to one of his other relatives or maybe even to his sister. It could have opened his eyes to what his wedding would look like with his sister present. I would apologize to him for suggesting that she be excluded. Then let him make the decision to include her or not.
Weddings are for family and friends to rejoice in the marriage between two people. People. Not man and wife, but “people” because in today’s world marriage is not exclusive between men and women. If she is not capable then you run the risk of her ruining your special day. Your hubby to be needs to have a conversation with his sister about your wedding. He needs to ask if she comes what will her disposition be? He needs to tell her there will be no drama, or frowns from her and that he expects her to be there without judgement and retribution. More than likely she will not go, but if she does, then the stage is set with exactly how you both expect her to act. In the end to exclude her (without talking) would be a detriment to your hubby, just as it would be a detriment to you if she attends, and it’s not fair that this is even a “thing” to have to deal with. In the end, I’d let sis decide on accepting the invitation or declining it. That will leave your relationship with your hubby to be a bit less stressful.
NAH. But I think you should invite her. Don’t give her any extra reasons to villainize you. Let her decline, at least you won’t be the evil gay that excluded her and ripped her family apart.