This whole situation is a mess, and I don’t know if I’m being heartless or just finally setting boundaries.
My mother in law lost her house due to foreclosure. The twist? She never told us. For years. My fiancé and I absolutely would have helped if we had known. We’re not rich by any means, but would’ve done whatever we could to make sure that she was able to stay in her house. Especially because she lives with her severely disabled husband, my fiancé’s father and her disabled adult daughter. Now they’re all homeless and we’re left scrambling.
When everything came to light and they got evicted, I immediately got them an extended stay hotel and paid for a week in advance. While talking with my fiancé about how they were gonna pay to live in the hotel, I was told that their disability check would be used for housing. But apparently my fiancé kept paying for their hotel and their storage unit. All using our joint bank account, without telling me. I didn’t notice right away because I have a business that I’m trying to grow and I’m busy taking care of our child.
Yesterday I finally looked at our finances and saw that over $11,000 was used for all of their stuff and I completely lost it. I drove to the hotel and told everyone that no more of our money would be used for them. I told my fiancé that if one more cent of our money was used I will break the engagement and leave.
It’s not that I don’t care about them. I do. But I feel betrayed that she hid the foreclosure from us, let the situation spiral into homelessness and used me as a personal piggy bank. This money that we have is to go to our new house that we were supposed to be buying and also to my daughter’s school. I also feel disrespected that my fiancé went behind my back and used our money without asking.
Now the morning after I’m starting to feel guilty like it’s my fault that they’re going to be on the streets.
Also, I feel it’s important to add that we have never had a good relationship with his side of the family. We have been together 13 years so this isn’t a new relationship. His mother has never really wanted anything to do with our daughter except for maybe three holidays a year that we go to her.
Am I the asshole for telling them that I will no longer financially help?
Comments
He’s committed financial infidelity and it’s not a small thing so don’t feel compelled to excuse it because there’s so much emotional baggage that comes with this situation.
In fact, I think separating finances in the short term is reasonable.
NTA. There are social service agencies that can help. It’s unacceptable that he used such a significant amount of joint funds to support their poor decisions.
NTA. Your fiancé’s actions were a major breach of trust and financial irresponsibility. While helping family is important, it shouldn’t come at the expense of your own family’s stability and future, especially when that family hid their problems.
You’re not heartless for setting boundaries, especially when your fiancé’s actions put your future at risk. It’s unfair for him to make such a huge financial decision without consulting you, and you’re right to prioritize your family’s needs over his mother’s financial mismanagement.
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You’re not heartless, you’re setting boundaries. Trust and financial respect are essential in any relationship.
What you need to do is immediately separate your finances.
Open a new bank account, take 50% of what’s left in that account and 6500 (50%of the 11K he spent on his family) and move it into your new bank account.
Put 50% of your monthly bills in the joint account and have him put his 50%
If he wants to subsidize their lifestyle, he needs to do it with his own money
You can’t stop him from spending HIS MONEY on them, but you can stop him spending YOUR MONEY
You are only responsible for your daughters wellbeing and security
Do not feel guilty at all.
They brought this on themselves and it could have been an easier situation to handle if she hand said something before it spiraled.
Your soon to be using the joint account is without question very wrong. It would have been one thing if he was only using his money.
NTA. It may be time to start separating finances, make sure your money goes into a separate account he cannot touch and focus on savings just in case. He obviously does not respect the money you guys share and uses it as his own.
Of course it’s hard for him but it’s not fair to you or your relationship. I really hope you guys can figure this out and support each other. Best of luck.
This is not about his family mismanaging their two sources of monthly disability money and taking TONS of money from your fiancé.
This is about your fiancé deciding the money you had saved together for your future was his money to do with as he saw fit, without even telling you.
This is not a person you can trust. He does what he wants, when he wants, takes from you, and doesn’t even talk it over with you.
So obviously you can’t buy a house together, or send your daughter to the school you planned. But moreover, you can’t commingle your money, business, or assets with him anymore either, because he will spend it out from under you.
Obviously you cannot marry him either, but I get the sense you didn’t have immediate plans, just been calling yourselves engaged, together for over a decade. You have a daughter but what you really have are two single people.
NOPE!!! YOU ARE ONE TRILLION PERCENT NOT THE ASSHOLE NOR THE PROBLEM!!!!!
SEPARATE YOUR FINANCES NOW!!!!!
THE INSANITY HURTS MY BRAIN!!!
IF TWO OF THEM ARE DISABLED THE GOVERNMENT CAN PUT THEM UP IN SOME TYPE OF HOUSING BECAUSE THEY ARE AT RISK AND MOM CAN GO TO A WOMEN’S SHELTER.
THE DID THIS TO THEMSELVES AND AS FULL GROWN ADULTS THEY NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT FOR THEMSELVES!!!!!
NOT ANOTHER PENNY!!!!
INFACT ONCE YOU SEPARATE YOUR FINANCES PUT NEW PASSWORDS ON EVERYTHING!!!!
YOUR HUSBAND CAN HAVE HIS OWN LITTLE ACCOUNT THAT WOULD NOT HAVE MORE IN IT THAN HE WOULD REQUIRE FOR DAY TO DAY.
HIS CREDIT CARD LIMITS MUST BE REDUCED TO $200.00 MAX AVAILABILITY SO HE CAN’T BUY THEM TONS OF STUFF AND BLOWUP THE CREDIT CARD DEBT!
You have to protect your finances no matter what. I hope your fiancé sincerely apologizes and commits to no more money going to his family. I’m sorry for their situation but you guys can’t fix it. It is not a one time thing and they are not transparent. If there is another dime taken from your fiancée for them, I would break the engagement. I would recommend leaving now because this sounds like a mess of a situation and I am worried about your daughter. My gut tells me that this is just the tip of the iceberg. NTA.
NTA, lesson learned. As Judge Judy says, this is what happens when you play house. Do NOT share a joint account with someone you are not married to. Get separate accounts immediately and consider whether or not you want to marry someone who is sneaky.
Maybe he needs to find out their monthly income and help find them a place they can afford themselves.
this is one of those “I love you but I also need to protect myself and my kid” situations. you didn’t make them homeless. you gave them more help than most would. nta
It’s not the helping that’s the issue.. it’s not telling you.
But I’m kind of confused as to how it lasted long enough to run the bill to 11k? Had everyone had an honest conversation, that would have been enough to get an apartment for a year. It was poor planning on his end. Important that he knows this
NTA. Why wait? Leave him now. He basically stole from you.
NTA. ANYTHING coming from a joint account should have a two yes, one no policy. Anything over a certain agreed upon amount should be discussed before purchase or loan is made. You didn’t agree to this. That money was earmarked for something else and a discussion should have happened before it was even touched.
NTA. Channel your money somewhere else. Close the account. He will do this again. You’re not even married and you have a joint bank account? Learn from this. If you don’t think this is big, you’re wrong. If he think it’s justified, he will go behind you. My husband and I discuss money to be given to our kids and parents
You need to remove all of the remaining funds and put it in bank account of your own.
This is financial infidelity. You need to end this.
The problem is not with your potential in laws. It’s with your partner, hiding finances from you like that. It’s a deal breaker, especially since you have a child you have to provide for. Honestly, I’m not sure I could move past it. You seem to be hiding from the reality of this just a teensy bit by setting boundaries with the family but not discussing what happened with your partner here.
I would sit down with your partner and figure out if you can move forward. You probably need to see a therapist, and they do too. Also, I would separate your money for now.
Finally, the other part, your potential in laws. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like they are being careless with money. It sounds like having two people with disabilities is incredibly expensive and there is no new money coming in. That’s a a situation where, depending on what country you live in, you might be able to get help from the state for their care. Your partner needs to find every last bit of assistance for them that can be found, including housing, if possible. While they are not your responsibility, your partner clearly feels differently and also unable to discuss that with you. It might be the daughter can be placed in assisted living, and they can get housing based on their situation. Unfortunately, if you’re in the US, this is probably a bad time, because of our terrible government and the selfish cruelty running it currently. So, I hope you’re in Canada or somewhere else. Good luck.
Guhh…$11,000 is alot
Run fast and run far, that dude does not care about you sbd your child if he is financially ruining you in secret for someone who is even worse with their finances then he is. NTA
He is absolutely in the wrong. And financial infidelity the tip of it. He STOLE from you and he stole from your daughter. He LIED about stealing from you. He LIED about how they were going to pay for things to DELIBERATELY LULL you into a false sense of security.
It’s ALL of it.
He WILL do this again. His family is a hot mess. And he decided to go behind your back and do unconscionable shit this time. He will do it the next time they need your money. And there WILL be a next time. And a next time.
If you decide to stay with him–which I don’t recommend–I’d separate your finances AND go to individual and joint counseling.
If he hid $11,000 of expenses without discussing it with you, you are not the AH.
The problem is not the help. The problem is, he hid that help from you. For the same reason his mom hid her problems. It runs in the family. These are people who sweep this shit under the rug. That’s a dealbreaker for you.
$11k is not enough to wreck a marriage. But dishonesty certainly is. The only way problems get solved, is together.
Legally he has committed theft as you are not yet married – it’s not a communal pot.
You need to separate finances immediately and take half of what is left, plus half of the 11k.
You can’t stop him spending his money, but you can stop him spending your money.
But you know that the burden then is going to be on you to pay for the family bills.
I don’t see how this is sustainable 🙁
You’re absolutely not the asshole here. What you’re feeling—betrayal, anger, frustration—is completely valid.
First, your MIL hid a massive financial crisis from you for years, which robbed you of the chance to help in a way that wouldn’t have led to homelessness. That’s not just irresponsible—it’s manipulative, especially when vulnerable people (your FIL and disabled SIL) were involved.
Second, your fiancé crossed a huge line by secretly draining your joint account without discussion. $11,000 is an enormous amount, especially when it’s earmarked for your future home and child’s education. Financial betrayal is a serious breach of trust—it’s not just about the money, but the secrecy and disregard for your partnership.
You didn’t abandon them—you stepped up immediately when the crisis hit. But there’s a difference between helping and enabling. If they had access to disability funds for housing, why was your fiancé still footing the bill? Why wasn’t there a plan in place?
The guilt you’re feeling is normal, but don’t let it cloud your judgment. You’re not responsible for their poor decisions. And frankly, after 13 years of minimal involvement with your daughter, it’s telling that they suddenly expect unlimited financial support.
Stand firm. Your boundaries are reasonable. If your fiancé can’t respect that, it’s a major red flag. You’re not heartless—you’re protecting your family’s future.
You should seperate finances in the interim ma’am
NTA if you don’t have separate accounts, you need to. But still, if he’s spending money on his mother, that he needs to cover his portion of the expenses, leaving you to pay the bills then you may need to rethink this relationship. I would think he owes you at least half of that money back.
They are responsible for themselves, except the disabled daughter. $11K is a lot of money. He has stolen $5500 of your money. Separate your finances now. Take half of whatever is left in the joint accounts and take charge of it. He has broken your trust. Helping is one thing. Supporting is another. Good luck. Don’t feel guilty. Right now, you and your child are your top priority.
ESH
Mom for lying.
Fiancé for lying.
You for not being smart enough to check your finances regularly enough to not notice this until you were out $11k.
You’re not wrong for cutting off the money and you need to seriously rethink this relationship.
NTA – I have this working theory that people are shacking up with driven successful humans to help subsidize their financial responsibilities to their parents. Times are tough and all
Guilt will keep him supporting them. You can’t change that. Move your money now.
I’m curious why your husband hid it from you. Would you have let him pay for the hotel and stuff if he asked you?
Yes, you’re the asshole and I hope he says “good luck on your future endeavors. Anyone demanding he turn his back on his mother and disabled father is not someone anyone should be marrying.
It’s how you treat him too when he is old and sick. She has no understanding of what family means. Anyone telling me to dumb my mom and dad in the gutter will be gone in a heart beat. My parents are dead, but I have no illusions that I will be taking care of my wife’s parents when it comes to it. And she would do the same.
UpdateMe
NTA. I would leave over that. He has broken the trust, and that is foundational to any relationship. That said, separate your finances now and be thankful you aren’t married yet.
Yall have a tedious ‘relationship with his fam , mom flat out uses and lies to you and you’ve finally had enough after adding up what its cost???
NTA, Not even close. If anything, she needs to get a clue, as does her boy, that when you lie to family , even by omission, its them creating the problem. Sux that you weren’t more on top of your finances so you could have…. ” put a stop to it” much sooner. Make sure he understands how its his doing that the trust is gone and this problem exists.
Look he has learnt this behaviour from his mother. He is probably more like her than you want to admit. This may not be a one off but a pathological part of his personality. Give that some careful consideration going forward.
It’s not about being heartless, it’s about setting boundaries.
NTA. Your fiancé lied and betrayed your trust many times. How many more chances are you going to give him? Until y’all are broke? Start separating finances right now. That way, in the event he continues to give his mom money, at least it’ll only be his and not yours.
Don’t threaten, just leave.
Separate your finances NOW and do not marry this man until he stops using YOUR money for HIS mother.
NTA. I’d pause any and all wedding plans: He broke your trust, and needs to work at earning that back (and show that the behavior has changed and he will not do it again) before the relationship can proceed.
I’d take it one step further and separate the finances. If he wants to let them be the anchor around his ankle, he is welcome to, but don’t let him drag you down with him.
Family is FAMILY
NTA
You should immediately separate your finances. Close the joint account and get an account in your own name at a different bank. You and your fiance can split expenses from your own accounts.
Don’t marry him until he earns your trust back.
You know if he robbed you blind you would have little to no recourse, right? He accessed money he was allowed to access. You’re NTA, but you need to see how vulnerable you and your finances are right now. He seems very willing to lie to you and hide money from you and give jointly earned money away to anybody he wishes without discussion or repercussion. If that’s who you want marry, good luck. You’ll need it.
It sounds like financial secrets and irresponsibility run in the family. Separate the finances immediately. If you choose to continue with your fiancé and get married you will be inheriting a tremendous expense that won’t go ever away until they pass on. Anything that you want to go to your own child will get funneled into your fiancé’s family’s needs. Does she have any siblings that can help?
You are being looked upon as the answer to saving them and unless your business grows enough to support them indefinitely, you’ll be left shouldering this huge financial responsibility without being able to provide for your own family’s needs.
Her mother has made it hard to turn away from them since the situation is dire and an emergency now. I wouldn’t feel guilty though. If you want to turn away from them, you will probably have to turn away from your fiancée as well and focus solely on your child. Tough choice.
Don’t marry him!! Unless you want to live with ALL of them. Break up because his problems are yours!!!!!!!
NTA He has shown you his character and he is not a good person. He allow his mother to control him and he has stolen from you.
woof! NTA… but you need to hit pause and really think about marrying him. This is financial infidelity. Your first step is to separate your finances and if he cant see the reasoning behind this and take a knee then you should consider separating from him. 11k is a lot of money and lets be honest, your not going to get that back.
I think you should be more betrayed and angry at your fiancé than anyone else.
And do not marry him! When someone shows you who they are believe them. What was his response to everything?
NTA but get the remaining money out and keeping an account just for you. He spent $11,000 of joint savings on his family. The first $11,000 that’s left in that account is your money to keep because he spent his portion on his family. Anything other than the $11,000 split 50-50 with him and then keep your finances separate.
NTA. He is a thief. He stole your money to pay for his lying mother. He stole money that could have gone to a cushion in case YOUR family (him/you/baby) fell on hard times. In this economy, things are going to get worse. You may wind up with huge bills that could leave you homeless as well. Most people are just a bill away from living in their cars.
Get his name off of the account or stop putting money into it. He needs to find a second job and pay the $11k back into the joint account.
NTA. Stand your ground. A partner in a shared finances situation should never be lying and hiding what they are doing with the money behind your back.
It’s common money, that means both adults need to agree to what it’s used for.
They are not going to be homeless due to you taking a stand on your own money. They can still use disability checks to pay for reasonable housing. What were they using the money for during the past several months?
Explain to them (including fiancee) that draining your savings is not a long term solution, and even if you hadn’t noticed, the money would have run out eventually. Then what was their plan?
They need to come up with a plan. Find an apartment not an extended stay. It should cost less, and they may qualify for low income housing, etc.
What your fiancee has already done behind your back with resource that was not solely his to make a decision on is enough to break up. If he doesn’t get it and make amends, absolutely follow through. You would not be weird to break it off now immediately with what he’s already done.
Definitely split the finances now. And if you had been contributing half-half, then he has spent $11k of his half. Take the half based on that.
He’s a thief and a liar. Thats a hard pass for me.
NTA
You aren’t even married yet and he’s already using you like a piggy bank.
I’d go ahead and break it off, $11,000 stolen from you and your daughters future is unforgivable.
NTA – split finances and plan to leave the relationship. He likely won’t stop doing stuff like this. I would never be able to trust someone who did that to me.
ESH – your soon to be in-laws are obvious. At the same time the very same thing happened to a friend of mine. His mom was too proud and it cost her the house and a huge plot of land that had been in the family for generations. Your fiance certainly should have told you he was taking money from your joint account to help them with their issues. Now to you, you start out by claiming it is a joint account. Then later explicitly get mad because they are using YOU as a piggy bank. They aren’t using you as a piggy bank. Your fiance is spending JOINT money to help his family. You talk about a business you are trying to grow. What does your fiance contribute to the joint finances? That is strangely omitted from the post. Also his mother doesn’t want anything to do with your daughter. That’s sad but is it a reason to cut any and all financial support for his disabled father and sister? You and your fiance need to sit down and talk about how/if you want to go about taking care of them. The way he is doing it is wrong, the way you are going about doing it is also wrong.
NTA.
Like others said, separate your money and start signing them up for any and all benefits. Food stamps. Housing access. Talk to a social worker if you can to find guidance, especially for the disabled dad and sister. Make sure they have government health care (assuming this is all available where you live). There is a lot here you don’t need to be overpaying for.
Ensure at least the dad and sister are taken care of. You might have a case to move them to a facility since it’s clear mom is neglectful. Of course, check out the facilities available for safety, etc.
First go to bank and have the account frozen. Second talk to an attorney asap. Nothing wrong with trying to help mil but you need to protect your future.
Where’s their money going?
NTA but you should leave this situation because this family is a mess. They need to get jobs because if they are living off the child’s disability check, that’s a crime too. The disability benefit is for that person and that person only, not to support the whole family. Since there are 3 people, they can only charge the disabled person 1/3 of the living costs. If they are entrusted with managing those funds and they get audited (I do these audits), they can be charged with misuse of funds and made to pay it all back or have criminal charges filed against them. I make people pay back money, sometimes tens of thousands and refer for criminal charges every day.
Just do it.
Get your money out of that joint account if he’s doing this. Sit him down and let him know how upset this makes you, and make a plan for moving forward. But absolutely set boundaries, and be understanding that he may want to continue because this is his Family.
It seems like keeping financial secrets runs in the family.
This is entirely unacceptable. Half of that $ I would consider YOUR funds only since it was used without permission. You need to be in control of the money until he can prove trustworthy again.
He should use his money only to help his mother. She was likely too embarassed and overwhelmed to tell anyone she was in dire straits. The focus now is to get her stable and find housing she can afford from her disability. Find solutions instead of using threats.
Yes definitely get separate bank accounts. It sounds like she has a lot to deal with, having two disabled adults to look after. Maybe she didn’t have much time to spend with your family, but this is only a guess. You have every right to be annoyed that your money was taken without your permission or a discussion about it. It sounds like your fiancé and mother in law like to bury their head in the sand. If he wants to help them that’s fine, they are his family and that’s a good quality he has, however he shouldn’t be doing it with your money. I hope you both get past it. He must be in a very difficult and stressful situation for you all. He needs to be more honest with you.
Get your half out of the joint account.
You are ignoring that your fiancé stole money from you. He didn’t just take it. He STOLE it.
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