Today my fiancé (26M) and I (25F) got into an argument about a trip I’m planning to take with my family. Two months after our wedding, my mom is scheduled for a major surgery in Turkey—it’s the second part of a very difficult procedure she had previously. I went with her the first time and saw how physically and emotionally wrecked she was. It was truly one of the hardest things she’s gone through, and I was there every step of the way.
This time, my sister is also coming, but we’ve all agreed that it’s important for us to be there together—partly because of how difficult the first surgery was, and partly for emotional support. This trip is not a vacation. It’s not a random getaway. It’s to support our mom through something serious and scary.
When I told my fiancé about the plan, he got upset and said, “Well, I guess we’re not going on a honeymoon then.” To be clear, this has nothing to do with money or scheduling—we hadn’t even set anything in stone yet. It felt like he said it just to be snarky. He also made a comment along the lines of “most people don’t just pick up and go to Turkey,” as if I’m going for fun.
I get that priorities shift when you get married, but I don’t believe that should mean I abandon my mom when she needs me most. This is a short trip, two months after our wedding, and I can’t imagine being at peace with letting her go through that alone. If anything happened, I wouldn’t forgive myself.
I love him, and I want our marriage to be strong. But I also can’t turn my back on my mom. He’s now quiet and distant, which is something he tends to do when he’s upset—and I’m left wondering if I’m in the wrong for standing firm on this.
So… AITA for insisting on going to Turkey with my mom after our wedding?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
Today my fiancé (26M) and I (25F) got into an argument about a trip I’m planning to take with my family. Two months after our wedding, my mom is scheduled for a major surgery in Turkey—it’s the second part of a very difficult procedure she had previously. I went with her the first time and saw how physically and emotionally wrecked she was. It was truly one of the hardest things she’s gone through, and I was there every step of the way.
This time, my sister is also coming, but we’ve all agreed that it’s important for us to be there together—partly because of how difficult the first surgery was, and partly for emotional support. This trip is not a vacation. It’s not a random getaway. It’s to support our mom through something serious and scary.
When I told my fiancé about the plan, he got upset and said, “Well, I guess we’re not going on a honeymoon then.” To be clear, this has nothing to do with money or scheduling—we hadn’t even set anything in stone yet. It felt like he said it just to be snarky. He also made a comment along the lines of “most people don’t just pick up and go to Turkey,” as if I’m going for fun.
I get that priorities shift when you get married, but I don’t believe that should mean I abandon my mom when she needs me most. This is a short trip, two months after our wedding, and I can’t imagine being at peace with letting her go through that alone. If anything happened, I wouldn’t forgive myself.
I love him, and I want our marriage to be strong. But I also can’t turn my back on my mom. He’s now quiet and distant, which is something he tends to do when he’s upset—and I’m left wondering if I’m in the wrong for standing firm on this.
So… AITA for insisting on going to Turkey with my mom after our wedding?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1-I told my fiancé that I’m going to Turkey to support my mom after her surgery, and when he got upset and implied we wouldn’t have a honeymoon because of it, I stood firm on my decision.
2-I might be the asshole because I’m making this decision unilaterally, even though it’s happening after our wedding and he feels like I’m prioritizing my family over our marriage. I didn’t ask for his input so much as inform him, and maybe that felt unfair to him.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but you have problems beyond going to Turkey.
> He’s now quiet and distant, which is something he tends to do when he’s upset
NTA. Your fiance should respect and want a wife that cares for her family. Wtf is wrong with men.
NTA. Honeymoons don’t have to happen right after the wedding. Some people save up and go on one 1, 5, or even 10 years later. There is no reason why yours can’t be done before you have to fly out to see your mom or after it.
NTA. If he can’t accept that you want to support a family member during a critical time in their life, then he can celebrate a quick divorce instead of a honeymoon.
NTA. He should also be going with you to support your mom.
YTA – You’re not communicating with your fiancé. You said “When I told my fiancé,” you don’t tell your partner anything. You discuss issues with your partner. If your mother needs this surgery, you needed to have discussions with your fiancé about timing around your wedding, costs, PTO requests, etc. You and your fiancé need to be an unit who plan things together.
He should be glad that his future wife has dedication and family values. Instead, he is pouting and selfish. He found a good one, you didn’t.
I’m very confused. Is this a money issue? Why not just honeymoon right after your wedding and still go to your mom two months later.
Also why have you two planned a wedding without planning a honeymoon? It sounds more like maybe he’s hurt that the honeymoon hasn’t been planned, but this trip has been planned.
NTA based on info here
From documentaries I’ve seen your mum shouldn’t be going to Turkey for the surgery.
NTA, what exactly is his issue with you going?
NTA, you should see if he can come with you. In Turkish hospitals they expect family members be there to help with recovery. It wont be much of a holiday you will be going to the hospital and even spending the night to help with her care. He should be proud that you take care of your family when they are in need as you will with him one day if he becomes ill or needs support. You can have a relaxing holiday after you know your mom is doing better.
I’m a little surprised you think the problem has anything to do with Turkey. I hope you give this relationship some thorough examination before you get married because Turkey is not the real problem here.
YTA
Eh maybe the asshole* for how you delivered this news. It sounds like you just informed him of your plan like his feelings were irrelevant. I don’t mean you should not go because he’s sad about it, but acknowledging that he doesn’t like that you will be gone is important too.
Did your plan include anything about doing a honeymoon later? I know that probably feels stupid next to the health of your mom, but I wonder if he feels like your sister being there ought to be enough and that you’re “only” going because otherwise you’re “just” worried.
If you have a good relationship with good communication, you should be able to impart how important it is for you to be there and he should be supportive of that, but he probably had ideas about how your wedding + honeymoon stuff would go and you basically just torpedoed that unilaterally, and to some people, disappointment cuts extremely deeply when they were strongly expecting/predicting/looking forward to something, even if the reason why is important and understandable.
*Edit: changing vote to NTA after additional info.
If it doesn’t clash with your actual honeymoon and it’s not about money why is he upset? Did you ask him?
Your husband needs to say what is really bothering him. Talk talk talk. Don’t let what is left unsaid become a future barrier.
OP- can you explain what his reasoning was for saying this? You said this has nothing to do with money or scheduling. So he must have given you some explanation as to why you is against this so much.
Did something happen during your mom’s first surgery?
Maybe you should postpone the wedding and see how he reacts upon your return.
I’m sorry, if it’s a serious family issue, what’s there to discuss? Logistics in case there are responsibilities he’d need to cover, or if he’d want to join you should be about it. He’s not upset about either of those possibilities, though, so NTA.
NTA. 2 mos after the wedding and for a medical procedure and he’s whining and giving you a cold treatment? Wow, I truly abhor passive aggressive and immature folks. You sure you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who reckons that giving you a cold treatment if things don’t go their way is the solution for the perceived problem or disagreement? I hope all goes well with the procedure in Turkiye and your mum recovers fully.
NTA-
My response to that would have been “guess we won’t need one because there won’t be a wedding till you grow up”
Sit down when things are calm,
“I’m really upset about your recent comments regarding my mums upcoming surgery. Is there a reason rather than being supportive you jumped into complaints about our honeymoon? And then keep pushing. You need to find out before your married how supportive he’s going to be in the future.
In 10 years time if your parents got sick would be willing to look after the kids so you could go back home? Does he expect you to sacrifice everything for his but not yours? You should really know all of these answers without needing to ask him given your planning on marrying him, so if you don’t it’s time to start having in depth conversations about everything. It’s great that your in love. But like minded ways of handling future problems is how people stay married forever
NTA.
nta. he’s trying to guilt trip you. be careful about this behavior in the future. like you said, you are not going there for vacation. it could have been an emergency and you could have just had to leave in an instant as well. from what he said to you, i am sensing he is going to create problems anytime you want to go to turkey to visit your family. and he’s gonna make a snark comment on how long you are going to be spending time there…
look i am saying these bc i’ve gone through the same. my ex-partner just did not understand how close i was with my family, did not understand why i spent longer than a week visiting my family in turkey as i was going for at least a month once a year. it was part of the emotional abuse to guilt trip me, as if i am choosing my family over him. or he was creating fights while i was there, just so that i dont enjoy my time.
my advice try to postpone the wedding and evaluate everything once you are back from turkey.
if you still want to be with him, i dont know what your visa situation or financial situation is but, always have your financial independency. and think carefully if you want to have kids from this person – bc taking your kids to visit turkey would most likely also be an issue.
Think of this as a stroke of luck that the red flags are showing themselves before the wedding. I agree with others that Turkey is not the problem here, nor the honeymoon.
NTA by the way.
ETA just read your reasons and the second one is amazing to me. RUN
But what is he upset about? Does the timing clash? The money? If nothing is wrong then I would rethink the whole marriage tbh because he’s stonewalling you for supporting your mom during her roughest time!
If you going to Turkey doesn’t actually affect your wedding or honeymoon, then you need to have a conversation with him to find out what the real issue is. You might find out that he has beliefs you’re not aware of or realise you need to improve communication skills between you. Eg is his issue that you decided without talking about it with him (as a couple should do), or is it that you’re going away for x amount of time and he’ll miss you, or is it that you didn’t consider inviting him to go with you, or does he believe a wife should never travel without husband etc…
It could be as simple as improving your communication skills as a couple, or a sign of controlling behaviour you haven’t seen before. But you won’t know unless you ask more questions.
NTA. He’s showing you who he is. Pay attention because it will get worse later on.
You can go on a honeymoon for a night, or a month, anytime. Close friends of mine honeymooned for the first anniversary, because let’s face it, life is expensive right now.
NTA for planning on helping your mother, it’s a very normal and obvious thing to do.
Makes me wonder what exactly he is upset about to react this way. Surely a direct open honest conversation would clear this up
Guilt tripping you for taking care of a parent, is huge red flag. Especially if it doesn’t clash with your honeymoon or doesn’t use his money.
Btw you are allowed to unilaterally decide a few things even after your wedding. You are still going to be an individual, and not half of a human blob!
There’s something else that seems to be bothering him – you need to talk and find that out.
NTA, I would never marry a man who couldn’t understand how important being there for my mom is.
Yes, in general your partner should come first, but this is no small thing and it doesn’t sound like this will even derail your honeymoon.
Also consider the fact that your marriage makes your family his family, and vice versa… Would he not support his own mother in such a circumstance?
Hell, my boyfriend doesn’t even get along super well with his family, but if he told me he needed to go to his mother for something like this, I would support him, no matter what it did to our plans.
Wow. Nta, I find his response problematic. You should support your mom, and he should support you to do that. Yall are engaged, but this is so selfish of him, i wouldn’t want to be married to someone like that.
NTA. He should’ve said “what’s going to happen to our honeymoon” and also, you can reschedule that. You can’t reschedule your mom’s surgery. Is he close to his family? Even if he wasn’t he just sounds like an entitled jerk. Sorry. I would calmly lay all my concerns because if he’s gonna keep acting like that in the future is clear he’s not gonna be supportive in the difficult times. Truly have a serious conversation about this. You might be able to dodge a bullet
NTA.
Your mom is having surgery, and you’ll be there. That’s that.
If it’s not during a scheduled honeymoon, what’s his issue with you going?
Or does he expect a two-month honeymoon that you had to cut short for the surgery?
Plan the honeymoon for before or after the surgery and that’s the end of that.
What if HE needed the surgery and you’re like “sorry, got a big trip planned then, good luck!”, would he understand?
If he’s quiet and sulking over something so cut and dry as this, what else is he going to raise a stink about.
Most people would wait with the weird behavior until after you’re married.
You have two months between your wedding before you go to Turkey? Why can’t you go on a honeymoon during that time?
INFO: is your fiance always a dick?
NTA because you aren’t changing any plans at all, and you’re telling him well ahead of time. And also he can come with so it’s not like you’re abandoning him
NTA
My mom had cancer and I don’t regret being there with her at every appointment. I know my siblings have. Shes no longer here and I treasure every moment I spent time with her at those appointments even if they were boring and took up the entire day. There’s an appointment that she liked to retell to others because she found my silly comments amusing (I usually try to lighten up the mood because I know how daunting these appointments are). And this has now been a fond memory of mine of our appointment time. Your mom will appreciate that emotional support a lot and you will look back to this with fondness, thankfulness, and love.
Is the surgery cosmetic? Have you made any plans for your honeymoon?
I was divided on my opinion. I was thinking it was money or it would impact the timing of the honeymoon, but comments say otherwise. I think there’s more to the story. Either there’s more behind his attitude (like an ex bf doctor or something that would trigger an insecurity right after the wedding, or he has hidden debts or something) or you’ve not disclosed everything. As it is currently written and comments, NTA. Something is eating at him (does your mom and him get along?), for sure.
A year ago you were 19. now you’re 25?
Anyway.
Who goes to Turkey for a medically needed procedure instead of their home country?
In a marriage you’re still your own person however communication is key. If you just booked the trip without informing him prior then I see why he’s upset.
Huge red flag.