I (22F) moved in with my bf (24M) when we got engaged. We live on 40 acres and his parents live on the property with us. I love them like my own parents. We go over for meals, game nights, and to hang out. My bf and his dad are best friends and they do all kinds of projects together. When his parents are out of town, they call every night to talk business and chat. When we go on vacation, his parents come with us. Lately it seems excessive, but I keep it to myself.
We’re getting married in Nov. on another property that my bf, his sister, and their parents own together. There’s plenty of space for both our families and friends, and everyone is leaving the day after the wedding so we can honeymoon for a week there. That is, everyone except his parents.
When I found out they were planning on staying, I told my bf I didn’t want them there. I feel like since they’re his parents, it’s his responsibility to tell them to leave. He said it wasn’t a big deal. I told him it was weird and I wanted it to just be us. He suggested we could honeymoon somewhere else at a later date, but still spend the week after the wedding with his parents. I told him no because I have limited PTO, we planned on honeymooning there ALONE, we’re trying to save money, and I don’t want to be the couple that never ends up having a honeymoon cause they keep saying they’ll have it later. I said he needs to tell his parents to leave at the same time everyone else does. He told me no since his parents are part owners (even though his sister is leaving with everyone else). We kept talking and I told him it feels like his parents are his family rather than he and I being our own family and that I wanted to start setting boundaries with his parents, the first one being that they can’t stay for our honeymoon. He said he didn’t understand why I was so emotional about this (mind you I wasn’t emotional till he said that). Once he said that, I stopped talking cause I felt invalidated and I didn’t want to get emotional and prove him right.
He’s refusing to discuss it anymore and it’s making me wonder if I crossed a line by telling him he needs to set boundaries with his parents. So AITA?
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I (22F) moved in with my bf (24M) when we got engaged. We live on 40 acres and his parents live on the property with us. I love them like my own parents. We go over for meals, game nights, and to hang out. My bf and his dad are best friends and they do all kinds of projects together. When his parents are out of town, they call every night to talk business and chat. When we go on vacation, his parents come with us. Lately it seems excessive, but I keep it to myself.
We’re getting married in Nov. on another property that my bf, his sister, and their parents own together. There’s plenty of space for both our families and friends, and everyone is leaving the day after the wedding so we can honeymoon for a week there. That is, everyone except his parents.
When I found out they were planning on staying, I told my bf I didn’t want them there. I feel like since they’re his parents, it’s his responsibility to tell them to leave. He said it wasn’t a big deal. I told him it was weird and I wanted it to just be us. He suggested we could honeymoon somewhere else at a later date, but still spend the week after the wedding with his parents. I told him no because I have limited PTO, we planned on honeymooning there ALONE, we’re trying to save money, and I don’t want to be the couple that never ends up having a honeymoon cause they keep saying they’ll have it later. I said he needs to tell his parents to leave at the same time everyone else does. He told me no since his parents are part owners (even though his sister is leaving with everyone else). We kept talking and I told him it feels like his parents are his family rather than he and I being our own family and that I wanted to start setting boundaries with his parents, the first one being that they can’t stay for our honeymoon. He said he didn’t understand why I was so emotional about this (mind you I wasn’t emotional till he said that). Once he said that, I stopped talking cause I felt invalidated and I didn’t want to get emotional and prove him right.
He’s refusing to discuss it anymore and it’s making me wonder if I crossed a line by telling him he needs to set boundaries with his parents. So AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action I took is I told my fiancé that he needs to set boundaries with his parents, starting with him telling his parents they are allowed to stay for our honeymoon. Me saying this started an argument and now he’s refusing to discuss this topic anymore.
2. I may be the asshole because I’m trying to dictate what kind of relationship my fiancé can have with his parents. He may view me telling him to set boundaries as me trying to control his relationships and separate him from his parents.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Why do his parents even want to be there?
You are not the asshole. This is a very complex situation. It’s understandable that you don’t want your in laws around during your honeymoon, but it’s reasonable that your fiancé doesn’t want to kick his parents off of their property. Ideally you just leave and do a honeymoon elsewhere, but if that isn’t an option, you should talk with your in-laws about your concerns and hopefully they’ll understand your perspective. Nobody is the asshole.
Hell nah you’re not the asshole.
Nta. he is thoroughly enmeshed with his family and if you make the mistake of marrying him, he will always put what they want ahead of what you want. He is showing you who he is. Decide now if you want his mom in the delivery room when you give birth, because clearly his family have no boundaries.
Seeing how honey moons tend to be two things
Fucking like bunnies 🐰
And relaxing (aka recovery from fucking like bunnies while preparing for the next round)
Put it in simple and tangible terms how their presence will prevent the aforementioned two activities…
Sure they can vacation there too, but yall need your space to be loud and lovey-dovey… it can be worked out, and who knows maybe his parents were one of those no honeymoon couples… also if they made it that long, I doubt very much if they’re prudish… You might want to ask where.the good spots in the back 20 are, and when to avoid them.
NAH here.
You’re not an AH for wanting to be alone. But your boyfriend is an AH either.
How exactly is he supposed to tell them they can’t stay at a property they also own? The fact that your boyfriend is also a part owner isn’t relevant. He has no more right to the property than his parents.
Yes, they’re being weird. But they still have the right to be there.
You need to plan an alternative honeymoon.
This is the craziest shit I’ve read in a while. I’m referring to the fact that it’s absolutely cuckoo bananas for your in laws to even think of staying on your honeymoon, much less you wondering if you’re an ah for being upset about it and wondering if you crossed some line.
Your problems are far greater than the honeymoon and your fiancé’s unwillingness to respect your opinion. Which, btw, that is HUGE BIG ASSED RED FLAGS. But also…he doesn’t have a personal issue with it. That’s nuts.
He’s completely enmeshed, this is farrr too much. Living together, eating together, hanging out all the time, talking everyday while out of town, vacationing together…idk, I’m super super close to my family, but this sounds stifling and wayyy too much for me.
And the biggest issue is that you’re not in the same page (at least with the honeymoon), yet he doesn’t seem to care about that at all.
Your best have a real honest chat about what roles he sees them playing in your daily lives as you grow together, possibly have kids of your own (if that’s even a plan), etc…BEFORE you say your I do’s.
NTA
I hate to say it, but YTA. Your story also contains a lot of “I told him this” and “I told him that”, and not a whole lot of “we discussed this” and “we discussed that”. You telling him what to do, and then expecting to get your way will not make a successful marriage. Decisions need to be made together.
Also, if I understand the post correctly, the parents are joint owners of the property, so you can’t really tell them to leave their own property. I know that you’re trying to save money, but if you want to be alone, you might need to honeymoon elsewhere. Balancing money vs the dream honeymoon is a stressful decision.
NTA. If they are too ignorant to see themselves out and let you honeymoon in private, you definitely will have boundary issues in the future. That 40 acres will get small in a hurry. Don’t beat around the bush, say something along the line of there are no honeymoon activities that are suitable for sharing with others. Don’t have to be graphic, but be blunt. Don’t set the precedent that privacy and boundaries are optional.
NTA but your boyfriend is nowhere near ready to be a husband
NTA but I’m confused, it’s 40 acres, are the houses really close? if they’re far enough away and they actually LIVE on the property, I don’t think it’s necessarily justified to kick them out for a week for your honeymoon UNLESS it was already discussed and agreed to beforehand by all parties that they’d vacate the property until the end of the week. Maybe y’all should book a hotel somewhere else. Your husband definitely does need to set boundaries though, if the houses are close he should bring it up to them, if they’re far he should tell them not to come over/invite y’all over out of respect for your couple’s time. However, if they own the land and they live on the property full time I don’t think it’s right to expect them to up and leave for your honeymoon (of course unless they already agreed to it prior and have backtracked at the last minute.)
Do not marry this person 🚩 NTA
As the property owners, they can do whatever they damn well please. That being said, you’re NTA, for your feelings. And I would book a different place entirely to honeymoon. I know you’re trying to save costs, but. Doesn’t seem Like you’re being given another option. That being said. It’s one thing to be a close knit family. It’s another to go on, Every. Single. Vacation. Together. Yeah. I would think long and hard before marrying into this family. It seems they don’t have boundaries, and that’s actually a big problem. If I had told my wife my parents were tagging along to our honeymoon in Amsterdam, she would have run far, far away and never looked back. Like, it’s fine to vacation with your family every once in awhile. But every fucking vacation ever is too much. Especially considering y’all live on the same property already. Like, when tf do you ever get a break from these people??
NTA, but this is a foreshadow of what will come if you marry.
NTA. He is showing you what your life will be like. You may love his parents like your own, but they are ALWAYS going to be there. The honeymoon is the tip of the iceberg. Do you want them fully enmeshed in every aspect of your life going forward? It doesn’t sound like you do, and your boyfriend isn’t budging. Proceed carefully.
Have your honeymoon somewhere else. It’s shared property so you can’t ask them to leave. You might also risk your good relationship with them. If they don’t have the sense to let you two be alone then either you save your money and have your honeymoon with the parents or you spend a little and have the privacy you need. Your bf is the AH for being overly clingy with his parents.
NTA. Wanting your honeymoon to be private is fair. Boundaries with parents, especially after marriage are normal. Your fiance should respect that and support you. If he can’t see why it matters, that’s a bigger problem than just the parents staying.
What kind of parents accompany their kid on his honeymoon. That is weird af.
NTA This is a glimpse of what the rest of your life with him is going to be like.
NAH
I do feel for you wanting alone time, but you need to be reasonable. You are asking that his parents don’t stay on a property they OWN?
It’s one thing if you ask for no guests, but you’re asking them to not be around.
Save up some money, and take a trip. You want to inconvenience others in a way you don’t have a right to, whether you like it or not. If you both get the guts to talk to them, do it graciously.
YTA
NTA. “It’s their property, he can’t kick them off” isn’t a relevant statement. He’s not commanding them to vacate, it would be making a very reasonable request that any normal set of parents would respect. It is NOT NORMAL for family to tag along on a honeymoon. Even on a big piece of property, because it’s obvious that they expect to spend time with you. But if they can’t slot you the privacy to have a HONEYMOON then they’ll never give you any kind of space ever. It does not sound like these people can be trusted to respect any boundaries and there is a 100% guarantee that this will become a problem for you at some point. You’ll never get to parent on your terms, never get to relocate if you feel the need, never get to make your own financial decisions.
I’m close with my family and am more interested in accommodating them and being involved with them than your average redditor. But this situation is very far out of the ordinary and if it bothers you now, it’s definitely going to get worse unless your FH is on the same page and prepared to take a stand when you need it. I really really don’t like telling people to run from a relationship but this is making me very concerned. Very.
You are NTA. Your husband is. He needs to step back and listen to what you are saying and realize that your marriage is now his primary family and protect that family at all costs.
And as a father of three daughters the last place I’d want to be is in their honeymoon. You future in laws SH too for not seeing that.
YTA. His parents don’t have to leave a property they part own. You can’t control that. If you want a honeymoon alone, you leave and go somewhere else straight after the wedding. I get you are trying to save money, but if you can’t have what you want with this arrangement, you have to make alternative ones, and that will cost you.
NTA this has red flags everywhere
INFO: who owns the property you live on?
NTA.. it’s your honeymoon.. your fiance is a total AH who learns to read the room, just like his parents.. what parents would want to insert themselves into a couples honeymoon.. totally weird..
This needs addressed asap. It’s extremely telling he won’t ask them to give you privacy for your honeymoon.
NTA. Ya know how they say when you get married, you marry the family too? Well in your case, it’s for real!
Next thing his parents will be in the room cheering you on as you try for a baby. And next thing after that your MIL will demand to be in the room as you give birth. She’ll be there all the time to help you look after your baby and probably give you unsolicited advice on how you’re not “momming” correctly.
That’s just if you choose to have kids.
If you choose a child free life, your in-laws will most definitely be way too involved for your comfort. They’ll know your finances and your husband will probably vent to them every time you have a disagreement. You really want that?!
If this is real it is very strange. Your fiancé should not want his parents anywhere nearby on his honeymoon. He shouldn’t need you to tell him this. This is a red flag that needs more than a simple conversation. You need couples therapy to see if your future goals align. It sounds like he does not have an identity without them. It’s nice to have a close family, but this is too extreme.
NTA
I’d tell your fiancé as much as you love & care for his parents, them sticking around for the honeymoon is too much. It’s pretty tone deaf that they are doing this, honestly. Is there a reason?
It might be time to tell him if he can’t draw this line & speak to his parents about this, you might need to reconsider the whole marriage thing
Good Luck
Hmm. This is tricky. But I think NTA, with a tinge of E S H. Your fiancés parents aren’t required to leave a place they co-own. In this sense, your fiancé has a bit of a point and the remedy is to go somewhere his parents aren’t. But your fiancé also seems to be normalizing his parents’ presence, like he can’t understand why privacy and separation would be important on your honeymoon. In my family, I’d be able to bring this up with my parents. If they refused to leave, we could at least set boundaries for a private experience.
NTA but this is just a very small taste of what your entire marriage will be like with the 4 of you.
NTA. Tell him either they’re going on the honeymoon or you are, not both.
Who WANTS their parents on their honeymoon?!
If there’s only one house on the property and you truly can’t even afford to go into town to a motel for a week on your own, perhaps you could rent a travel trailer to put on the property for a week and if you can’t, then opt for a tent. And be sure to rope off your area with large signs saying “honeymoon in progress please leave us alone.”
The problem is they are too enmeshed. Living together, owning properties together, hanging out together all the time, calling every day whenever they travel etc – while these sound like the perfect extended family setup, how ready are you to be this innately connected with your in-laws? When you have kids they won’t be stepping back and letting you be but will be right in there, raising them with you. Again, not a bad thing – this is the norm in many cultures around the world, where multi generational households are common. But will you be okay being a part of one?
NTA – you just got a glimpse of the rest of your life if you marry this guy. What’s going to happen when you have kids? Will his parents come to your house every day to see your children? Will you ever be allowed to be alone for anything?
Having family join your honeymoon just feels wrong. It’s supposed to be about the couple, intimacy, and doing things just the two of you together.
NTA. If it’s not too late-just call this farce off. If you’ve already made the mistake,well, it’s early. Still ez to get out of a clear mistake.
Honeymoon means not staying on your in-laws property. You aren’t going on a Honeymoon. You just want your in-laws to leave a property that they partly own. Figure out a way to go somewhere cheap. Can you go camping? It’s not ideal, but it’s away from home.
Tell him if he wants them at your honeymoon, you’ll skip both wedding and honeymoon. Tell him you have no stop, erotic sex planned for the honeymoon.
NTA. I’d be telling your future husband that he won’t be getting any intimacy on your honeymoon if his parents are around. Maybe be very blunt about what he’s going to be missing out on. His parents sound absolutely clueless.
NTA I guess.
Straight talk… you both have more you need to work through before you are ready to get married. There are communication issues, boundary issues, having each others back and being each others first priority.
Honestly if you don’t work these out first, your marriage will end in bitter resentment
Hope you’re ready for them to be in the delivery room staring at you while you’re in labor.
NTA, for those of you who don’t know, 40 acres is 1/4 x 1/4 mile. This means if you walk at a 4 mile per hour pace, you could walk across this property in just over 3 minutes.
Even at a leisurely stroll, OP’s in-laws will be a 5 minute walk away during her honeymoon. That’s close.
Okay, hopefully not close enough to hear them have sex, but close enough if they ever leave the house they will see them every day.
NTA, for those of you who don’t know, 40 acres is 1/4 x 1/4 mile. This means if you walk at a 4 mile per hour pace, you could walk across this property in just over 3 minutes.
Even at a leisurely stroll, OP’s in-laws will be a 5 minute walk away during her honeymoon. That’s close.
Okay, hopefully not close enough to hear them have sex, but close enough if they ever leave the house they will see them every day.
NTA, but it is concerning that he cannot understand the point you made at all. And even if he doesn’t understand the very valid point of you not wanting his parents there for the honeymoon, for me it is even more concerning that he is invalidating you and your concern and stopping this discussion by calling it an emotional response. He is manipulating the situation so that you stop reacting even more after he denies your opinion in order to avoid „sounding emotional“. Fuck avoiding being emotional. If my partner said that to me I would say: you want emotional, here is fucking emotional. That is so sublety sexist, it makes my skin crawl.
NTA because you’re definitely not the asshole here and it doesn’t seem like your fiance understands that the honeymoon issue is only a symptom of the root problem, which is that you’re adults now and you need a little more distance from the parents. Also that his communication style when confronted is “why are you getting emotional” and shutting down, probably not a great sign going forward.
The one caveat here is that the parents are more than welcome to stay since it is also their property, and if you wanted to take a private honeymoon without them, you probably should’ve gone somewhere they don’t have an ownership stake.
NTA, for those of you who don’t know, 40 acres is 1/4 x 1/4 mile. This means if you walk at a 4 mile per hour pace, you could walk across this property in just over 3 minutes.
Even at a leisurely stroll, OP’s in-laws will be a 5 minute walk away during her honeymoon. That’s close.
Okay, hopefully not close enough to hear them have sex, but close enough if they ever leave the house they will see them every day. On her honeymoon. Just saying.
Withholding judgment to say. You will never be rid of his parents and it will only get worse. You may want to rethink that he can’t set boundaries w his family.
Update me!
This is weird