I (30m) have been dating my fiancée (29f) for 4 years and we got engaged 4 months ago. My fiancée lost her first boyfriend before we met to mental illness. They have a son (10m) together. I knew all this getting into the relationship and I love her son and we have a good relationship. When we were first dating I told my fiancée I wanted children and it was one of my biggest dealbreakers. She told me she understood and mentioned she would like two more children.
Her family and I get along really well and that’s been great. Her late boyfriend’s family have been nice enough to me too. I don’t interact with them often but when they come to the house to collect my fiancée’s son we say hi and bye and we’d make small talk if there’s a delay.
Everything had been going really well and I proposed. Then a couple of weeks ago I overheard my fiancée and her mom talking. All I heard was my fiancée’s mom told her we already have a child so it shouldn’t change anything between me and her. Later that same day my fiancée asked me to sit down and she told me she had changed her mind about having more kids and she wanted to tell me because she wasn’t sure if it was still a dealbreaker for me or not but she would still like to make this work because she loves me and her son loves me and we make a nice little family. She brought up what her mom said and she told me she wanted all the cards on the table.
I told her having a child together was still a dealbreaker for me and I would leave if that’s completely off the table. I told her I didn’t say that to pressure her or make her change her mind again. But I felt the same as I did before. She was upset and asked me to give her just a little time to think. Then her mom called and they got into a small fight over what her mom said and her mom wanting to talk to me. My fiancée was honest about her parents might try and talk to me about it and that she went to her mom originally because she was trying to figure out what to say. I told her it was fine and we’d see what happened.
But her parents are pissed at me and they did confront me. They said I could have a wife and a son and why do I need a bio child. I told them it was none of their business but they didn’t want to let it go. They told me their grandson should be enough for me and to think about how my walking out will devastate him when both dad’s choose to leave him. They said he needs me. I told my fiancée, she was furious with her parents and tore them a new one for confronting me. They defended it and said what I told her was not the mark of a good, solid guy. They said I should be committed to the family we have not trying to make another one.
I don’t think it’s fair but could they have a point? I’m here to find out. For context on me and my fiancée’s son we have a good relationship but I’m not his dad. At least not now and I don’t know if I would ever be. He has memories of his dad and he’s told me about him. I love him, I know he likes me a lot and thinks I’m cool and I’m good with that. But the argument from my fiancée’s mom that he’s mine is not quite true and I feel like if we ever considered making it official he would not be on board, a feeling my fiancée shares despite what her parents say. None of this bothers me. I’m happy with the relationship we have. I just wanted to bring this up in case people wondered about it.
AITA?
Edited to add a little more context.
Comments
You’re not an asshole and neither is she. She changed her mind and you didn’t, both are reasonable and if that’s a dealbreaker so be it.
Her parents are assholes for harping on you and getting involved in an argument they had no business meddling in
yta. you’re going to cause her son a ton of issue just because you want a bio kid. your genetics aren’t that important to mess up an actual child.
Plenty of people have that instincitve drive to have their own kids nothing wrong with that. Also nothing stopping her from letting her son stay in contact with you if you guys go separate ways. You’re not trying to start “another family” you’re trying to expand your existing family with her
NTA and very good you found out before you and your soon-to-be-ex fiancee got married. I’m afraid you need to cut your losses and move on. Tough break for the kid, but it’s really not on you. Your fiancee changed the terms of your relationship. At this point, I doubt I’d believe her if she agreed to having kids.
You don’t say, but I’m curious as to why your fiancee changed her mind.
NAH. She was honest. You need to decide what to do.
Yta for asking such a stupid obvious question.
If she cant or doesnt want to give you what you want out of life. Then the relationship is over. Its pretty simple. Nta.
NTA. You were upfront with your fiancé from the very start. Unfortunately, she has re-evaluated and you don’t have the same plan for your lives. She isn’t TA either. The only ones out of line are her parents. They don’t have any right to brow beat you into making a decision you are against.
Big NTA . Neither is she. But her parents… oh boy!
Break this off if it is indeed a dealbreaker. If not, you will end up regretting and even resenting her along the way.
It is easy for someone who has biological children to say it shouldn’t be a big deal not to have biological children. You said it was important to you. She said she wanted more children. Why can she make decisions and you not?
NTA. You didn’t change, she did. She’s NTA either. But her parents are huge meddlers and it’s none of their business. Having a kid is a normal human desire. It doesn’t demean or lower the value of your possible stepchild. It’s sad if you have to break up but you’re young, you’ll meet someone else.
Neither of y’all are the AH here except her parents. Y’all just aren’t on the same page anymore about kids and it’s okay to walk away now to find someone who does want kids.
NAH. She changed her and you didn’t – it happens. At least she was honest up front before you married. You still have time to find someone else, but you should be just as honest exiting this relationship as she was in openly communicating with you.
NTA.
(Your fiancée isn’t either – but her parents are, which is why I couldn’t vote “no AH here.”)
The issue here is incompatibility, not anyone being a bad person. She already has one child and has now decided she doesn’t want more. You had both previously agreed that having additional children after marriage would be part of your shared plan.
That’s a difference in life goals. Two people can both be good partners in many ways, but if they don’t want the same future, the relationship usually won’t work.
If she changes her mind just to keep you, she may resent you down the road. If you give up on having children to stay with her, you’ll likely resent her.
Sometimes the healthiest option is to part ways amicably rather than forcing a compromise neither of you truly wants.
NTA. Your life goals no longer align. She is also NTA. Her parents however are MASSIVE AHs. Just be grateful that you found out before the wedding.
NTA, this is important to you and you communicated it right from the start.
Nah
You were upfront about your dealbreaker from the start and didn’t try to pressure her or guilt trip her. It sucks that she changed her mind but people are allowed to do that. At the same time, you’re allowed to have your own boundaries on what you want for your life. It’s better to talk about this now than just go along with it and end up resentful later. Doesn’t sound like you were mean or anything, just honest.
NAH, she’s allowed to change her mind about kids, and you’re allowed to want them. Her son isn’t yours, you didn’t get to be his dad from the beginning, and you’re not his dad now. The desire to have kids is a reasonable one. You should not stay in this relationship no matter what she comes back with. One of you will always resent the other. She will resent you if she chooses to have a child for you, and you will resent her if she doesn’t have one. Her son will be fine. You can even remain in contact even if you do not marry her. If they’re worried about his relationship with you, that relationship can be maintained even if you choose not to marry her.
Do not give up your desire to have children for anyone. There’s a really good chance she never wanted more, but told you she did hoping to get you hooked and tell you she changed her mind later. Your relationship with her parents will also not survive this.
NAH both of your feelings are valid.
NAH. You’re allowed to want your own biological children, she’s allowed to decide that she doesn’t want to hae another pregnancy.
Her parents should have stayed out of it.
NTA. You made it clear from the beginning that having a biological child together was a dealbreaker, and she said she understood. While it’s her body, and she has the right to change her mind, she knew it was still a dealbreaker. If you want a child of your own, it’s time to exit this relationship. You’re simply no longer compatible.
NAH except her parents who need to stay in their lane. She changed her mind and that is okay (unless she has actually felt this way for a long time and held off telling you). You still want children biologically related to you, and that is okay, too. Unfortunately, this makes the two of you incompatible so the best thing to do is start the process of uncoupling. You both need to be careful with her son since he sees you as a father figure, but don’t stay in a relationship where one will resent the other.
Frankly I’ve never understood this need to produce your ‘own’ off spring. You’ll be raising a boy who in time will call you Dad. The only other rationale I can think of for your need to procreate your own, man or woman, is pure ego. That said…if your ego requires it then leave. Consider this before you bail…how would you describe your the current child?
My wife and I have one natural child and one adopted boy. Our adopted son had kicked our dogs, broke windows/TVs, has threatened teachers with bodily harm, stolen, assaulted mom, and came at me one night with a knife.
My point being…there are NO promises with children. Some times it’s best to be thankful with what you have. Mine is currently in jail awaiting yet another trial.
NTA. You grew apart and are no longer compatible. It sucks, but that happens sometimes. Neither you nor your ex nor her son are assholes, but her parents certainly are.
Do not get married with her..
NTA – It is good that you had this conversation before getting married, so you can make an informed decision. Her parents truly stepped over the line.
NTA never take on some other guy’s kid.
If you had a prev child and your fiancé wanted more kids I bet her parents would pressure you to give her a biological child. Her parents need to stay out of it. Unfortunately you two are no longer comparable because you want different futures. You should leave sooner rather than later, it will just make things harder. You will be able to find someone that wants the same future as you.
NTA….Her parents have no say in what happens with your relationship and why is your fiance’ letting them dictate her life? I think it is more her parents wishes than your fiance’s that she have no more children. Why?
And why does your fiance’ care what her parents want or think? Can she not decide for herself?
I would tell her that yes, it is still a dealbreaker for you. You want more children. Not just one child, but more than one child. Does not matter that her son is not yours, you still consider him so. And, if you are to continue, she chooses to have more children, then she needs to stop involving her parents in your decisions. You are both adults and you can decide for yourselves.
NTA. Your fiancée should have talked to you the minute she started wavering on having another child.
Her parents need to stay out of your relationship. It’s a red flag that they felt the need to confront you about this and try to make you the bad guy. You are NOT a bad guy for wanting a child and you were honest from the get-go that it’s a dealbreaker for you. You are not choosing to leave the son, you are choosing to leave a relationship that has changed. I suspect their whole “he should be enough” and attempt to manipulate you into staying is because they don’t want to be the only support system.
If you stay and forego the child you want, you may come to resent that, and possibly your fiancée .
NTA. You want a chance for bio kids. If your fiance doesn’t you are incompatible, that’s it. You will always resent her if she takes that away from you. Your fiance knows this that’s why she told you. Her parents can take a hike they have know say.
NTA.
Neither your fiance, nor you, are the problem here. She’s had a change of heart and you haven’t, you both seem to be mature enough to have a proper adult conversation about the issue. Many more conversations are probably needed as well here but brace yourself for the end of your relationship. Perhaps your fiancé would be amiable to you adopting her son? Or having a proper custody arrangement so neither you or the child will suffer?
Her parents are the problem here. You haven’t said anything about “creating a new family”, only expanding the one you have right now. It’s natural for people to want their own biological children, even with step/adopted/bonus kids in the picture.
One, her parents should not be involved. Procreation is a couples performative and only the couples.
Two, you want bio kids, that’s a normal thing to want with the person you love. And having your own kids is amazing. Especially if you build that bond from the very beginning. It wouldn’t take anything away from your step son but I don’t think you’ll ever have that bond with your step son. And that’s okay because you want him to remember his dad too.
Three, you were open and honest and so is your fiance. But it looks like you don’t want the same things and it’s okay to part ways. If your fiance wanted to leave you at any point I don’t think you would be allowed to see your step son anymore and her parents would have a different view then.
NTA
You want a child or your own, not someone else’s, so if that means you gotta walk, then so be it. Do not be guilted into you have to accept her previous child as your only child. And especially do not let her parents dictate anything.
Sure, it’s gonna suck for everyone involved, but you told her from day 1, so this isn’t a surprise. She changed her mind, so that changes everything. If you’re ok with putting aside your wants, then so be it. That is your choice to make and only yours.
No matter what you decide on whether you or go, her parents need to stfu about everything. They have no say and their opinion means nothing
No your not. By this idiotic logic no one would want more than one child. Why do people keep trying again and want bigger families ? Why do kids want siblings ? It’s a natural instinct to want a family , while this looks very different to people for you it involves more than one child , and yes a biological one ( as long as you make sure you’re doing your best to be fair to both children).
There is also the fact that you were honest about your wants from the beginning . This feels deceitful that they wanted you to be a father for the boy and guilt trip you using an existing bond
Updateme
NTA you made it clear it was one of your biggest dealbreakers. At the same point she has every right to change her mind. That being said most likely this wasn’t a recent feeing for her to not want to have anymore kids and if she was possibly feeling that way before you proposed she probably should have said something if she knew how important it was. Obviously she loves you and was probably afraid of losing you and the life you guys have built but still if she has been feeling this way for a while she should have said something sooner. If it was just a recent change then it’s unfortunate but if it’s a dealbreaker for you then you should just end things because you both want different things and that is ok. If she changes her mind just cause it’s what you want I’m not saying she won’t love any kids you have but some resentment might grow if she isn’t fully wanting to. As for her son you’ve been in his life for years and are/we’re planning on marrying his mom and are the only father figure left in his life but it doesn’t seem like you have tried to fit into that roll too much maybe cause you don’t think it’s you place? Like I’m not sure how old he was when his dad was gone but I would assume he’d have more memories with you than him by this point. Being a stepfather in many cases is just as important or more depending on the situation. It’s possible her parents or even possibly your fiancée feel that you wouldn’t focus or care as much about him if you have your own bio kids? Either way I would obviously talk with her more and explain both of your sides but if it’s a dealbreaker for you and she doesn’t want anymore kids best to not drag things out or try and force each other to give in and just move on.
Your not the one who changed the dynamic. She did. She knew from day one you wanted children. She continued to date you knowing this. She is saying no now, you have the right to not want to continue. Better then staying and being resentful. She has a right to change her mind and you have the right to say that doesn’t work for you. At this moment you aren’t compatible.
NAH. They have 0 say in this. 0. She knew what you wanted. At least she was honest about it. She needs to find someone who doesnt mine her having a kid and wants some themselves.
NTA, you have every right to want your own child / children. She did the right thing by telling you now. Unfortunately, you both are not compatible anymore and there is no compromise with children. You either have them or you don’t. You are too young to settle for having to raise someone else’s child.
NTA. You were up front about wanting children, and your fiancé was on board. Now she’s the one who wants to change the deal. This isn’t a little thing the color of a house or which car to buy, this is a major thing that you want to experience, and that you have every right to experience. Has your fiancé told you why she has changed her mind?
It’s totally fair to want a child/children of your own. Doesn’t mean your ss isn’t enough or you don’t love him. It just is what it is. When I met my husband he had 3 kids already. On our second date I asked if he was open to more, because I wanted two and it wasn’t worth pursuing if he wasn’t interested. If he had said no we would have ended right there.
I wonder why she changed her mind? And why the hell did she drag her mom into it? Not cool.
Updateme
Dating a single mom, massive L
No but you need to find out if she ever truly wanted more kids and if so what has changed her mind. Sounds like either someone’s got in her ear or she lied from the beginning. Second one should be a straight relationship ender and the former is debatable because she is letting someone dictate her relationship with you now and probably will do so again.
Your fiancé is a decent person for telling you this before you get married. This is not a sustainable situation, sadly; she seems honest but might feel compelled to tell you what you want to hear in order to keep the relationship going. NTA
NTA, I’m wondering if your GF changed her mind on her own or did her interfering MOMMY change her mind for her, all she had to do is plant the seed and then water it once in a while to begin your GF doubting she wants more kids? Just asking, maybe you should too? Also, you’re 30yo my man, you’re not getting any younger so you need to find out you’re GFs plans ASAP and stick to your guns! NO KIDS, NO RELATIONSHIP! Her exBF has a son to carry on his name,if you settle for staying with her and not having a child of your own, YOUR BLOODLINE ends with you! There will be no one to carry on your name and BLOODLINE, so get it settled quickly, as you very well know what’s involved with finding a GF, the time involved and then the planning a family and making it happen are time consuming! Good luck UPDATE ME
If she had been thinking about this and not wanting more children why did she accept your proposal? She knew from the beginning that was a huge deal breaker for you but she has made it more complicated and also talking to her parents about it before you first created more drama that didn’t have to be made.
I’m sorry but he would be your child and you would likely adopt him. I think the bio-child argument is tired and dated and honestly exhausting to hear from men over and over again. For all intents and purposes you are his only father and the only one he’d ever know. You’re not the one getting pregnant so I don’t understand how he would be any less your child.
What this family is doing to you is taking away your right to pass on your genes, your entire family tree will die here and all the thousands of people who formed you end up here, this in my opinion is cruel and vile. I would move on and look for someone who was on the same page as me.
NTA. It’s good she was honest with you. I don’t see it as if the 10 M is “not enough” He’s enough but you’ve always wanted your own babies and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’ve been honest about this thru out your relationship with her. I think her and her parents are TA because this is yours and your fiancé’s personal business and not her parents to weigh in on. She should not have spoke about your personal business with her parents.
Definitely leave.
NTA. This is a foundational compatibility item. You should walk for everyone’s sake. Don’t try and force her.
I mean I would leave.
It’s ok to change your mind. Childbirth can kill you, it’s a big ask, especially as you age.
But why didn’t she tell you until she had you locked in? Why are her parents acting so entitled? It’s manipulative.
I feel like if you look at your relationship you’ll find you do a lot of giving and she does a lot of taking.
Well, I think you’ll always be disappointed if you don’t get what you want, so it’s best to leave now. Why drag it out hoping the other person will change. This is unfair to both of you.
NTA. She’s allowed to change her mind and you’re allowed to NOT change yours.
This is not an issue where a compromise is possible. You need couples counseling (NOT religious based) to discuss this so you both will have closure when it’s time to move on from each other.
If either of you “gives in”, there will always be questions and resentments.
Her parents need to be told that their daughter is the one who has changed her mind knowing that you have not. She is making a decision to remove you from her son’s life and none of that is your fault.
I don’t think she’s an AH for changing her mind. I do think she’s AH for wanting you to change yours when it comes to such a life changing decision.