I’m 30 and I recently lost my grandfather. He left me a sizable inheritance, just over $140K. I was extremely close to him growing up, and he made it clear over the years that he wanted the money to help me start a family, buy a house, or build something of my own.
My fiancée who’s 26 and I have been together for four years and engaged for one. A few weeks ago, her father was diagnosed with a heart condition that needs surgery. He doesn’t have insurance, and the cost is expected to be between $60–70K.
She came to me and asked if I’d be willing to use part of the inheritance to cover it. I told her I was really sorry, but I couldn’t. My grandfather worked his whole life for that money, and I don’t think he’d be okay with it going to something outside the family like this. I also worry that spending half of it means risking the plans we already made — like buying a home and starting a business I’ve been preparing for.
She was crushed and said she didn’t expect me to say no. She told me I “put a dead man’s wishes over a living person’s life.” That really hurt. I said it wasn’t that simple this was money meant to give us a future, not fix an emergency we had no control over.
Her mom called me selfish. Some of our mutual friends said they could understand both sides, but that if I really loved her, I’d help save her father.
Now she’s barely speaking to me, and I feel awful. I never wanted to choose between money and someone’s health. But I also feel like it’s unfair to be pressured into spending something that wasn’t meant for that.
So… AITA for saying no?
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I’m 30 and I recently lost my grandfather. He left me a sizable inheritance, just over $140K. I was extremely close to him growing up, and he made it clear over the years that he wanted the money to help me start a family, buy a house, or build something of my own.
My fiancée who’s 26 and I have been together for four years and engaged for one. A few weeks ago, her father was diagnosed with a heart condition that needs surgery. He doesn’t have insurance, and the cost is expected to be between $60–70K.
She came to me and asked if I’d be willing to use part of the inheritance to cover it. I told her I was really sorry, but I couldn’t. My grandfather worked his whole life for that money, and I don’t think he’d be okay with it going to something outside the family like this. I also worry that spending half of it means risking the plans we already made — like buying a home and starting a business I’ve been preparing for.
She was crushed and said she didn’t expect me to say no. She told me I “put a dead man’s wishes over a living person’s life.” That really hurt. I said it wasn’t that simple this was money meant to give us a future, not fix an emergency we had no control over.
Her mom called me selfish. Some of our mutual friends said they could understand both sides, but that if I really loved her, I’d help save her father.
Now she’s barely speaking to me, and I feel awful. I never wanted to choose between money and someone’s health. But I also feel like it’s unfair to be pressured into spending something that wasn’t meant for that.
So… AITA for saying no?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was refusing to use my inheritance to pay for my fiancée’s father’s surgery, even though she asked me to.
This might make me the asshole because she and her mom felt I was being selfish and uncaring, especially since it’s a life-or-death situation. She accused me of valuing money over her father’s life, which made me question whether I made the right choice or if I was being too rigid.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Info: is there a reason he doesn’t have health insurance?
NTA but yall are gonna breakup sorry to say. I get your position, but you have the opportunity to save her dad’s life and you aren’t. Doubt she’ll look past that.
NAH – you are totally right. But if I was her, I would have asked you as well, it’s her father. I don’t blame her. It might mean the end of your relationship, but again, nobody’s to blame.
Well, perhaps something is to blame, but that’s really not relevant here. The US (assumption from my side) healthcare system sucks.
Sounds like you’ll be building that family with someone else, if you let her dad croak do you can buy a house. If you’re marrying her, btw, he’s family.
YTA. She was right, and that’s why it hurt.
I’m sorry if this is insensitive but let’s say her dad undergoes the surgery and then passes away at a normal / expected age. That debt just dies with him, right? Like…when I’m old and ill I hope to max out credit cards and go out in a blaze of glory. No need to drag the younger generations into it.
The real a-hole here is your girlfriend for even asking!!
Your relationship will not survive this. Be prepared for years of sh*t if you stay with her.
NTA but if you don’t she’s going to resent you for the rest of your life. It sucks I know and I understand your reasoning. If you don’t this relationship is over though. She’s right to feel hurt and angry, but if roles were reversed, do you see her giving the money for your dad to survive? If not definitely don’t.
Amazing coincidence that you get some money and suddenly there’s a “medical emergency” and they want half of it.
Even if the health issue is real, they’ll do the surgery first and ask for the money after. He does NOT need your money in order to get surgery.
NTA you’ll need that money someday and honestly who knows if this relationship will last don’t be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. If they need money they can get loans and use credit cards. He should know better than to not have insurance at his age. That might make me sound cruel but this whole situation sucks
NTA why you though? Doesn’t she have a brother or other relative & family member? You wanted to start a life with her and the money your grandpa left is specifically for that. Ask her if you didn’t have that momey would she have taken out a loan?
why are you planning to marrry her if you clearly don’t see her as family? Is she supposed to be a mere functional presence in your life? You are within your rights to choose starting a business over anyone’s life, but maybe just don’t fool yourself you love your fiancée
YTA
Why did he not have insurance? She can’t expect someone to fund outright, what he should have paid throughout his years. It’s an unfair expectation and the fact she said didn’t think you’d refuse, smacks of entitlement.
YTA and i honestly dont get the people who say otherwise, youre just letting your fiances father die?
ESH. Sheesh this one is no good for anyone involved.
Surely as fiance’s he’s your father now too, but it’s pretty irresponsible to need a windfall to be able to cover sudden medical issues, plus everyone in the family should be chipping in not just you.
Look I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger but
NTA but this relationship is over. They will always hold this against you.
NAH. On one hand, you’ve possibly chosen a path that makes it more difficult currently to ‘start a family’ as likely you’ll be looking for new partner soon. On other, you are in best position to decide for yourself how to honor his intentions. On third, I can’t blame her for looking out for her family & making the ask & hoping for different answer and defining family broader. Horrible time for you all. All the best to all.
NAH, man this is a really tough situation. This is your fiance’s father. It’d be totally understandable for her to exercise any and every option to try to save/extend his life, probably including taking on debt. You are family now so it makes sense that they’d at least ask. On the other hand it’s also fair that you want to save the money for all the plans you already had.
At the end of the day, you probably wanna think about whether you’d be OK with your fiance taking on debt when you have money available. I don’t think either option is right or wrong.
Assuming you’re in America, the real asshole here is the American healthcare system.
Well, if her father dies then she’s not going to be your fiance much longer.
Your fiance and father-in-law are your family. Would you do it if it was your parent who needed surgery? If so, YTA.
What would their plan be if you didn’t have the money to pay for it?
Just want to know what country you live in where he would be denied life-saving surgery because of insurance. There certainly has to be other options besides getting you to pay cash. Does he have equity in a home?
NTA
Uninsured patients can often have their procedures covered by the hospital charity program. This includes major heart surgery (speaking from personal experience).
There is No need for you to use your house-downpayment money.
YATA. She asked for some of your money to save her father’s life. She’s scared of losing him and you were a solution.
Did you discuss repayment options? Or some other way that you could be reimbursed such as equity in her father’s home that could set you up in the future?
It’s beside the point now because she doesn’t trust you anymore and your relationship is over.
What about loaning the money with a legally binding repayment plan?
NTA
You should be honest with yourself, that if you both dicide to continue this relationship and her father dies, I highly doubt that she will ever forgive you. Still, I think that her mother pressing you to pay such an enormous amount of money for someone who is not your family is a complete dick move. From my perspective, there are also few red flags here. Like, as far as I understand, they want you to pay for it, not borrowing it, with intention to paying you off at some point. It is also their fault that they are not insured. If I were you, I would have seriously reconsidered your relationship.
The key word “fiancée “ and not wife. You have no obligation to pay for this. Your inheritance is your inheritance. Even if you’re married, your inheritance…
NTA.
Might be an unpopular opinion but NAH.
It’s your money and you have the right to do what you want with it. Your girlfriend is right in that according to how you explained your decision, you are putting the wishes of a dead man over your future family’s health.
You are N T A for not paying for the surgery but, you’re an idiot if you think your relationship is going to survive this.
No one thinks it’s weird that it’s exactly half? Half of 140 is 70. Also is this in the US? Because in the US hospitals won’t tell you what anything costs until after you get it done. This seems suspicious.
NTA his lack of foresight to have medical coverage is not your financial responsibility. He should look into payment plans, coverage options, things of that nature. What you can do is offer to be there for him, offer to include the cost of your fiancé going to be there for the surgery as a part of your budget as a partnership.
Her father doesn’t have the money to pay for a surgery and he lives in the United States or any other country that has any kind of welfare system. He could just apply for it that way, and the surgery would be little or no cost to him. If he doesn’t have the money, but he’s gonna die, at least here in the United States. Social services will completely cover him.
So instead of stressing about giving up your inheritance to cover a grown man’s medical situation look up social services Medicaid Medi-Cal whatever they have in your state
YTA. Finance => family. You not helping family with a life saving surgery when you can is pretty grim.
NTA
It’s not your responsibility to cover a life of irresponsibility that led to this situation. Starting a new relationship is much cheaper than this
YTA, of course you have no obligation to use this money any way other than as you wish. But not using part of it to literally help save your father in law’s life – my god. You say this money was intended to build your family, but what type of family do you intend to build?
NTA. Medicaid is the answer.
You’re not TA, but you’re also no longer the fiancee . . .
You can probably help them get a loan or find a solution, let her know you will help figure it out but you cannot just pay it . Sounds like she was looking for the easiest answer but the parents should have a house to lean against or something to at least have a partial solution and ask for a little help as a loan. Sorry to everyone. Edit to add NTA
Can you ask your fiancée if she and her family can talk to the hospital to resolve the financial issue?
You are correct. Make your own decisions. Medical billings are not a huge deal. They can get this done and post it off slowly like the rest of us
YTA. Congrsts, now you’re single.
Imagine being able to help save someone’s life and refusing because you WANT (not NEED) to buy a house or start a business. They can pay you back, you can do those things later. And also, she id your fiance, she supposedly IS your family. That’s some top level selfishness
NTA but this willcost your relationship. Tough choice, not sure what i would do
YTA and your relationship is over.
>My fiancée
>her father
>I don’t think he’d be okay with it going to something outside the family
Listen to yourself, wtf?
If she would have been only your girlfriend, it would have been okay-ish, but even then your relationship would be over.
YTA. What your girlfriend said is absolutely right, especially if you plan on marrying her.
At the end of the day it’s her dad. Put yourself in her shoes or reverse the situation, how would you feel?
I don’t think I could live in a house where the down payment could have been used to save my dad. Nor do I think I could marry someone who, after a year of being engaged, saw my father as “outside the family.”
I’m closer to NAH, but this is a really big test of how the two of you view both money and family which are two of the big values that can make or break a marriage.
YTA for hiding behind your gf wishes.
Your fiancée will never forgive you.
NTA for saying NO, just be prepared your fiancee will not be your fiancee much longer.
NTA.
She gives off gold-digging vibes. This should have remained between yourselves, but she shared this with her mother and mutual friends. This, together with the silent treatment and the guilt-tripping, are manipulative moves.
Please, take a hard look at your relationship: she is not respecting you and your decision (based on your grandfather’s will, but still your decision), she doesn’t respect your boundaries and can’t take no for an anwer.
Is this who you want to spend your life with? I think you deserve better.
Big hugs.
I agree with your friends.
Now that you told her your decision though, this relationship will probably end.
NTA. I’m curious if your fiancé and her family looked at other options (Medicaid or other financial assistance programs) before asking you for money. What would seal the deal for me to say no, would be the way her and her mother have treated you since then. It makes you wonder if that’s how they’ll react anytime you say no to paying for something. It also would concern me that your fiancé’s family knows about your inheritance at all. That seems like something private that should have stayed between the two of you. Understand that the relationship is basically over at this point, because if you give her the money you’ll end up resenting her and her family, and if you don’t pay for it, she’ll resent you.
Show me a heart surgery that costs $60,000. My sister had laparoscopic heart surgery and it was $125,000. Went to a fundraiser for a guys heart attack bills. $250,000 before insurance. Go Fund Me I recently donated to referenced bill for $40,000 for an angioplasty with stent.
Break up with her and start over. This is never going to resolve. And definitely not if he dies.
Just walk away she will never forgive you. And if y’all get married, even if that $$$$$ starts your life off right, she will hold it over your head.
NTA
It’s not your fault that as grown adults, her mom and dad haven’t planned better, either financially by not having any savings or credit, or healthcare-wise, as in not having health insurance.
It might sound harsh, but their irresponsibility isn’t your problem.
Do they have a home they can mortgage or take a second on? Can they take a loan ornuse a credit card? Can one of them get a job with health insurance since I believe they can’t exclude preexisting conditions anymore? There are plenty of ways they can solve this “problem” that don’t involve you paying for it.
Also, I think your reasons for saying no are very legitimate.
God this country sucks
NTA. As you said your grandfather worked his whole life for this money, why didn’t your future FIL have health insurance? If this were one of my in laws I’d try to find a compromise where my husband and I would contribute a small sum toward helping them out, but I wouldn’t be covering the entire cost. Even though we have the savings, we have kids and tuition and a mortgage and things we’re responsible for.
Why can’t he go into debt like everybody else and get the surgery? Don’t spend your inheritance on him. Get your house and start your business with a clear conscience. Maybe your fiancé isn’t the right life partner for you. Just a thought. NTA
NTA. Why doesn’t her dad just sell his house to afford the operation? Makes more sense.
NAH, so far. I understand your position, but I also understand her wanting to save her dad. This’ll probably destroy your relationship, but that doesn’t mean you should let yourself be coerced into agreeing to it.
She now knows that you would let her father die, and you don’t see them as family. That changes everything for her. You are free to not help, but your relationship will not survive.
NTA. Why doesn’t he have insurance? There should be a solution.
NTA. This isn’t your wife. She’s a girlfriend with a ring. This is your inheritance. She and her mom should get second jobs if they want to save him. Why not pull out personal loans for him then? Why do you have to be his savior? I’d be side eyeing her for how she’s treating you. She’s looking at that’s as her money when you guys aren’t even married. Why does her adult father not have health insurance? Why does her mother or father not have a job that has benefits at their age? Are they loser deadbeats? Don’t feel bad about this at all. This is not on you. Save that money.
Nta . They lacked foresight in getting insurance . Presumably there are other methods of getting treatment?
Also a little coincidental that it should happen shortly after your inheritance turns up? I would check a few facts but you are not obliged to do it .
NTA. It sucks and it’s sad but why havent they reached out to Medicaid to help cover the cost if he’s uninsured? I wouldn’t be tying myself just yet to some financial and otherwise illiterate family.
NTA. The audacity to call someone selfish because they won’t give you THEIR money. Trust your gut, OP. And if you ever come into money again, do not tell anyone. This is how people behave (and worse) when someone dies and money is involved. You fiancé and her mother are extremely entitled to your inheritance.
If you didnt have this money, what would they do and then do that. I would also say your relationship is pretty much over so dont marry unless you have a prenup at a min
NTA… you are not married to this young lady yet. Whose to say she won’t leave you after the surgery is paid. The money was left to you not your fiancée.
Let’s say you never inherited the money. How would they have financed the surgery? I would say talk to the hospital to bring the cost and work out a suitable payment plan.
BTW, how old is her father? If he’s over 65 years old he could be able to get Medicare/Medicaid. If so act now. Also not to be death panelist but what are he’s chances of surviving the surgery. My dad passed away during surgery and we still had to pay for that procedure. He was cover by Medicare so it was less than $3000.
NTA
I’m so glad i’m in the UK where we have the NHS and healthcare debt is not a thing
NTA – a $70k loan is not the end of the world for a whole family to band together on and pay off over the next 5 years.
OP can still use the $140k for investment in the house etc and just commit to help paying off the loan, along with everyone else in the family.
NTA is she going to stop working after marriage and spend all your money on whatever she wants?
Clear NTA. It is unfortunate that red flags usually show in these type of situations. This is a clear sign to cut ties.
NAH. Time to move on, relationship is over
NTA, enjoy a new house to yourself in loving memory of your grandfather. Your whole (hopefully soon to be ex) family in law just showed you their true colours in the nick of time. I don’t imagine this will be the last emergency that’s suddenly your responsibility with these folks, would they expect their daughter to do the same for your dad?
Your girlfriend is going to leave you. Just be clear whether that’s the outcome you want.
Medical bills are the leading cause of bankruptcy in the U.S.
But that’s the price you pay for being in the Greatest Country in the World.
So her dad made a choice not to pay for health insurance but your fiancée is mad at you for not handing over tens of thousands of dollars ? Why isn’t her dad just getting his surgery and making his own arrangements to pay back the hospital in instalments? Why aren’t they mortgaging their house? Why is her mom having an opinion on YOUR money? What kind of losers screw up their own finances and lives, and then try to emotionally blackmail someone out of an inheritance?
You are getting a glimpse of how your fiancée’s family thinks and behaves. Which is, they absolutely believe they have a right to your money given to you. Imagine if you did give them this money—now, do you really think the demands for more and more cash will stop there? Do you really want to have these people around you for the rest of your life ?
All those people with opinions (your fiancee, the rest of family, mutual friends, etc) can put THEIR money where their mouths are; they can co-sign loans and/or hand over their own savings to bail out dad. But I’ll bet they will not.
NTA.
Run. Your fiancée has shown you how she really thinks .
NTA, op doesn’t even know if he will even marry that woman. Additionally, her dad is a grown man who didn’t prepare for his own health, that’s on him, not OP.
Info
What was the plan if you had not inherited this money?
Look into charity’s when I was sent to another towns hospital a couple years ago they worked with a charity to pay for peoples medical debt how mine got paid.
Nta it your money afterall.
But consider this, you marry her, her dad dies . . . She is distraught and destroyed blames you because you chose your money over her dads life….
Fact is if you envisioned her in your life for the rest of it you accepted her family as part of that deal. This isnt her aunt uncle or cousing its the man that raised the woman you want to marry, its her dad one of the closest bonds she will ever make in her life, other then marraige and motherhhood there really is no closer bonds. . . .
Either end the relationship or give her the cash just be sure to see the bill before paying. . . Because if you dont help and he dies you dont have a fiance either way.
The fact that her father is facing that much cost for life saving treatment is ludicrous! Yes elective surgeries may have long wait times and sometimes it’s hard to get into a doctor but I’ll gladly take public healthcare any day!
This should be from an underdeveloped country not the riches country in the world.
The real Assholes are the leaders of your country that find this acceptable
NTA. that’s the money for your house, they could mortgage theirs and have the money instead of making you give up yours ??? that’s a big sum of money to just casually ask your partner, it’s not like you’re rich just cuz you got 140k$
NAH.
The silver lining is this event has shown you where your priorities lie.
If my fiance’s Father needed money I had for life saving surgery, I would give it because I love him and trust him completely, and trust that if the situations were reversed, he would do the same for me. Once you’re married, you’re a team and individual problems are a shared problem. If that is not what you want, that’s fine, but don’t marry this person.
The real AH is the American health system.
NTA that’s your money you shouldn’t be pressured into giving away half of it like that. This is not an insignificant amount of money either.
Just understand that your relationship is done. Your fiancee will resent you and more importantly it sounds like her mother/your future MIL will. She will make your life hell and your fiancee won’t even try to defend you.
ETA even if you give her the money now she’ll always throw it in your face that you said no to start with. Every argument forever will result in you being called selfish for that reason.
Why not use something along the lines of $20 grand to help the financial.burden to your future father in law. Ask the hospital for an itemized breakdown of everything they used and for surgery. Not only that asknfor financial assistance beyond the 20 grand.
Talk to your fiance and see if this might be a reasonable offer. Im sure they have family that can help. Start a go fund me too.
You might have just threw away your future family. You might still get your business but you’ll be the only one running it.
Goodluck and please update
NTA, you shouldn’t have to use your inheritance to pay for a surgery but neither should they need insurance – the USA healthcare system is the problem here!
NTA – Your relationship is done, but you were put in an impossible situation.
What was her parents’ game plan for the rest of their lives? What would they have done if you didn’t receive an inheritance?
Just because you now have the money the gf’s mother called him selfish for not giving it! C’mon! It’s on them for not planning for emergencies.
I think because you’ve already said no and if you change your mind and help, the relationship is tainted already.
I think she’ll wait to get the money from you and then break the engagement because her trust in you is broken. There’s no going back after you said no.
NTA because if i would be in your place i would do same
Really, just how important is his life when compared to a possible house. Good call bucko.
NTA. What were they going to do if you didn’t get your inheritance?? He can set up a payment plan with the hospital, ask for a cash discount, ect. See if he qualifies for Medicaid. He can still have surgery, he’ll have to figure out how to pay after. This is a HUGE ask from someone who technically isn’t family yet!
You’re just starting out, and your grandfather gave you the means to jump start your life.
This may end your relationship, but do you really want to marry into a family that’s already guilt tripping you for money? They are middle aged adults (I assume), they shouldn’t be relying on you to pay their medical bills.
NTA. This is a total lose/lose situation. If you don’t give her the money she’s going to resent you and more than likely end the relationship and if you do give her the money the plans for your future get put on hold until you can make up for the money lost for his surgery and you’ll more than likely end up resenting her and the relationship with probably end eventually. This is why people should never look to spouses or family for money because it never ends well ever.
Medical tourism OP. You’re NTA but her father needs to take a trip to somewhere less expensive.
Is he not on Medicare? (old enough?)
NTA. He should be asking his direct family members for money, his own parents, aunts, uncles, or getting a loan to cover the cost. Or selling valuables to raise the money.
I have adult children and I would never in a million years expect them to cough up $70K for my surgery. If I had no savings, I would be selling my car, getting a loan, whatever.
But, to give your fiancée some grace, it’s her dad. She’s worried, scared, desperate. She lashed out, but I don’t think she was coming from a place of greed, just fear.
Maybe try to talk to her again when you both feel in a calmer mindset, ask what the family would do if you had zero inheritance. Then suggest they move forward with that plan.
If she still can’t get past you not gifting $70K to her dad (not even her! If she was having a medical issue, this would be a different story!) then you probably have to end the relationship.
Hopefully clearer heads can prevail. Good luck.
YTA unless you just want to break up with your fiancée and this is you’re way of making her do it, in which case YTA and a coward.
Assuming of course that this is absolutely necessary life saving/changing surgery and they’ve already pulled together as much contribution as they can. And that they’ll get insurance going forward.
I was going to say NAH and just a difficult situation, but now that I have read some of your comments accusing her of gaslighting you and wishing you never told her about the money, I am going to say YTA.
Absolutely NTA. Her father’s poor health, poor financial decisions, and poor planning in not having insurance isn’t your problem.
That she had the expectation and the actual temerity to never even entertain the doubt that you would pay for his surgery is actually incomprehensible to me.
Are her father and his daughter (your fiance) always this entitled to other people’s money?
Are the family of her father actually assisting with paying for the surgery? Why does it come down to someone who is outside of the family? Just because you inherited money doesn’t mean it’s a free for all.
I hope this is a valuable lesson in not sharing or disclosing amounts of inheritances in the future.
I also hope that you understand how and why all your friends and your potential FMIL are aware of your “selfishness” in not paying for the surgery of someone you barely know. Who told them? Why are they privy to this information?
I’d honestly rethink the marriage at this point, this should have been a private discussion between you two and she has divulged it to her family and your mutual friends.
There may be irreparable damage in your not acquiescing to the request of paying for the surgery for her father and thus, de-valuing your relationship in her and her family’s eyes. How do you gain back such lost respect and good will?
Your fiance is TA because she should never have presumed so much to ask, expect, and then share that knowledge with all who know you.
So he (and his immediate family) have got no savings at all? It’s not on you to bear this burden. They can easily go into debt or liquidate assets to pay for this. They just refuse to.
Fiance could divorce you after 5 years, your grandpa’s inheritance can live forever if managed properly
It’s your money you can do with it what you want there are concequesnces to this
Surely there is a public health system of some kind where you are he can join
Nta You should hold your ground on your beliefs but side note, the relationship won’t last this. Even if this is solvable without your money. Her family as already decided this is your fault
Sorry yta. Her family is your family now, refusing to help will break your relationship. So it’s up to you which one is worth more.
She knew what the money was left to you for and asked anyway, not cool. She is being selfish about it. Her Dad doesn’t have a Job? Her Mom? You can usually get health insurance through an employer. Do they own a house? Mortgage it. There are also loans they can get. That is a fuck load of money to throw in the toilet because who knows if he dies the day after or in surgery. Is the Mom paying you back for the rest of her life?
Tbh, I think she’s TAH for asking. 60-70k is not a doable amount to repay, so you’re effectively giving them it. If my child was marrying someone with that money and I knew I’d be robbing their future, I’d rather pass gracefully than know I ruined her life and future. The American health system is horrendous. NTA x
European here. The American healthcare system is the asshole.
However, you are in an impossible situation here. you’ll probably end up losing your fiancé or your money.
Your fiancee will never, ever forgive you. Time to move on.
NTA, don’t give her the money. It is yours and you would resent your girlfriend for taking it.
NTA
Forget them all…. Not your problem! They’ll come up with another excuse for the other half. Keep your money and happiness intact!
NTA it’s sad about her dad, but there are programs for him, as for your stbex fiancee, she had no business putting you in this position. If you weren’t engaged to her or didn’t know her where would the get the money, think very long about your future.
NTA a real human life is involved, but I see no mention of why her family isn’t at least asking you for a loan, or an explanation of why they didn’t have health insurance in the first place.
It may be that her extended family has suffered through misfortunes beyond their control for decades that have left them in poverty (is that really the case?), but regardless they are not entitled to your inheritance and the attitude of simply asking for it and calling you selfish for not immediately handing the money over doesn’t sit well.
I can easily see this being a case of a family who hasn’t properly looked after their finances for years seeing you as the easy way out when the result of their bad financial management inevitably comes round to bite them in the ass.
Surely there are other options for them they can investigate, besides all that. Why is you paying everything in one lump sum the option they are latching onto?
If it wasn’t this it would be something else. She feels entitled to your inheritance and won’t work more or save when she needs something. I doubt this is a sudden issue. They’ve probably know at least somewhat for years and no one bothered to save their own money to help but they expect it if you instantly.
NTA and be glad this happened early.
NAH. It’s your money to do whatever you want with it. On the other hand, your fiancee would obviously ask you seeing as how you’re prepared to have a life together. In her mind, her father is also part of that future.
In my opinion, this is a crappy situation for everyone and I really don’t know what the right answer is. But I think, before she asked you to dig deep in your pockets, she should have made sure that every other option was thoroughly considered, even if it required great sacrifice by everyone in her family.
I just asked ChatGPT and it offered a couple of pages worth of solutions for “adult in his forties in the US diagnosed with a heart condition that requires surgery but has no insurance”. You can look it up and share this information with your fiance.
Lastly, whatever happens, I think the ship has sailed regarding your relationship and future plans with her.
NTA –
She came to you asking for your money, you decline and she then tries to make you feel bad with manipulating comments.
Are you sure you wanna marry people who lash out be moment you don’t give them money.
I’d have told her the money is tired up and can only be used under curtain situations and you cannot access it for someone else’s surgery.
What would she have done if you hadn’t had the money. There are other ways he can get treatment but i imagine the relationship is over now tbh.
People will say that he isn’t entitled to your help, but damn dude you’re cold. You’re engaged to her, you have the chance to try and save her dad but refuse to. YTA.
This is the beginning of the end of your relationship. NTA
You are not the asshole but I know I could not stay with someone who had the financial means to save my father and would not do it.
NAH.
She asked, you said no.
Only thing that makes her close to assholish is the fact that she told her family. Question and reply should have stayed private.
tell him to move to Canada
YTA. getting tired of people not pointing out how lowkey selfish the man seems. if he truly loved his fiancée, he’d view her family as his, and wouldn’t be so hesitant on using that money for a good cause. i understand how it’s not completely his responsibility, but your reasons for saying no seem so dumb, sorry.
“My grandfather worked his whole life for that money, and I don’t think he’d be okay with it going to something outside the family like this.” I doubt this very much, especially considering this is about your future father-in-law’s life. I’m sure the grandfather wouldn’t have said no if still here. This seems more like an excuse from your side, almost as if you’re using your grandfather’s “wishes” as some shield to excuse not wanting to spend money on her father’s medical emergency.
“But I also feel like it’s unfair to be pressured into spending something that wasn’t meant for that.” Wasn’t meant for that?? so the money can’t be meant to save someone’s life? Honey, it’s literally your money now, and it’s a bit clear you personally do not want to give money to your fiancée.
i’m not trying to say you’re bad for not taking responsibility of a situation completely out of anyone’s control, but the grandfather excuse seems too far fetched. i doubt that’s your real reason for not giving over some portion of the money. it’s definitely more your call, but you don’t want to admit it.
You didn’t tell us which country you live in. It cannot be Switzerland, Sweden, Canada, Great Britain, since they are rich and all rich countries in the world have working health care systems. Is it Uganda or Uzbekistan?
NAH
There’s no solution here that end with everyone feeling satisfied.
I think if your wife would ask you maybe it would be something to consider but girlfriend-boyfriend relationship is not stable enough to give life changing amounts to.
Nta
NTA. He doesn’t have insurance–that isn’t your problem
But it is suspect that her entire family feels entitled to your inheritance.
Run
NTA. Her parents need to look into payment options and fundraisers. He opted not to have insurance and it’s biting him in the ass…it is not fair of them to ask you to sacrifice any of your grandfather’s legacy nor your future over it.
You may need to call off the engagement over this though, because it will permanently damage your relationship with your fiancee and her family.
Money over a dying man’s wish?? Not to mention this man is/was gonna be your FIL based on y’all’s future plans!! I consider my FIL my own Father and I’d do anything to I could to help him!! Esp his health!! YTA!! I hope you feel guilty with every $0.01 of that money you use and I hope your gf sees what is important to you!!!!
Don’t know if you’re TA or not but she’ll never forget this. If the relationship isn’t over, it will never be the same. Just saying.
Bottom line is if OP doesn’t fork over half of the inheritance for the surgery, the relationship is over. The fiancé would never forgive/forget this and it would be downhill from there.
I feel bad even typing this but it’s true- they are about to find out what ‘in sickness and in health’ really means.
I’m gonna go NTA because they aren’t married yet, just engaged and both parties can walk away without the complications of divorce.
Not American but as I understand he can just go into debt for it right? I guess his desire to avoid debt trumps your future. I think her family are absolutely shite for pressuring you in this. Makes me doubt the veracity of their claims tbh.
NTA
YTA. If this was your fiancée distant relative, I would say NTA, in the end, we have finite financial capabilities and we really can’t help everyone in need.
But this is your fiancée father, your father-in-law.
If you don’t help save her father, there is no future in your relationship.
Actually, your mutual friend is quite right imho. If you think 60-70k is more important than your fiancée father, then it is quite possible that you might not love her as much as you think OR you might not be ready for marriage in the first place.
If this was still in the early dating phase, I say NTA. But you guys are engaged, ready to marry for life.
How would I trust you to go through thick and thin, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health with me, when at the first sign of trouble, you are already telling me your father’s life is none of my business.
Hard decisions my friend, I totally get that, I would hate to be in your position as well, trust me. But if you do choose money over her father, and I am not saying it’s wrong or you are evil for doing so, then the relationship between you and your fiancée is over, there is no salvation from this.
She can leave you anytime for little or no reason. Most relationships fail soooner or later.
Keep your money. If she leaves you over it then you’re better off without her.
Buy a house bud
NTA. I would never even consider asking my husband (especially not fiance) to pay half of the money he inherited to pay my family’s medical bills for my family. Your grandfather saved the money for you, not your fiance. Who knows what the future holds? What if you two split up? Then you’ll be out half of your inheritance. Do you have a date set yet? Are you paying for the wedding with your inheritece? They can get fairly pricey. My simple wedding with 50 gueats was $20k. This situation is going to be a good test to see how you two handle a stressful situation.
I want to see how this goes.
NTA not even close. Sounds like you need a new girlfriend tho
Jesus. Every other developed nation has socialised healthcare.
America really is a basket case.
Yeah you are FOR SURE the asshole. Damn bro, help your loved ones. Money isn’t everything you absolute selfish ahole.
NTA.
Her father’s negligence in carrying health insurance is not your problem. I’d think long and hard about how this relationship will fare after her father’s death. NTA
Yeah…NTA.
Though your relationship is probably over. Her dad will die and she’ll never forgive you. Of course the actual fault/problem is that she’s unwilling to accept the fact that everyone dies. She’s not taking into account that the heart surgery might not take (that’s if he can even find a donor)…
NAH but I think your relationship is done. This was the sliding doors moment with you and your fiancee. You had a choice: a. Pay for your future FIL’s surgery. This would cement your relationship with your future wife’s family and show her that you are willing to go the extra mile when it really counts; or b. End the relationship and keep the money.
You chose b and permanently damaged the relationship. It’s not dead yet but it’s headed that way.
NTA
Your perspective is completely understandable. You are under no obligation to use your inheritance for your fiancée’s father’s surgery, especially since the money was intended by your grandfather to help you build your own future. It’s important to honour those wishes and protect the plans you’ve been preparing for, such as buying a home and starting a business.
However, from experience, situations like this tend to put a serious strain on relationships. I’ve been in a similar position where both my parents-in-law needed financial help, and we used our savings without hesitation. While it’s admirable to set boundaries, be prepared that your decision could significantly impact your relationship, potentially even leading to a breakup if your fiancée feels unsupported.
Ultimately, you need to do what feels right for you and your future, but you should also anticipate that refusing to help with such a critical issue might cause lasting rifts with your fiancée and others close to you
Never tell anyone you have or are getting money. They will ALWAYS find a reason to neeeeed it. I’m guessing your relationship is over if you don’t pay for her father’s surgery? Does everyone in the USA die if they don’t have enough money for life-saving surgery? Are there hospitals that you don’t have to pay at?