Throwaway account for obvious reasons but my fiancee, let’s call her R, (24f) has worked at the same 40hr a week job for the last 3 years with no raise. She makes a little less than $19/hr and my state’s minimum wage is $15/hr. I stepped up to management at my (24m) job at the end of last year and have been promoted again and received 3 raises since then. We share a 2 bedroom apartment which costs us roughly $2k a month after rent, utilities and renter’s insurance. My car is paid off and I’m free from student loan debt but she has both payments to make.
For the last year and a half, she’s told me she’d get another job but still hasn’t. She would get frustrated with me any time I’d bring it up because in her words, all I care about is money. I do care about the money but only because I want to build a life and family together. Our wedding will be paid for out of our own pockets, and I’m trying to keep moving up at my company for better pay and benefits so that we won’t have to worry as much. But as much as I want to do that, I keep draining my savings to cover her portion of what she hasn’t paid for. She has either not paid or been short on her portion of the utilities the last 3-4 months and hasn’t payed anything towards our insurance. She also hasn’t been paying on her student loans and hasn’t filed taxes in 4 years. Not to mention the registration on her car has also expired as she never paid to renew it. Between all the stuff I’ve had to cover for her in the last 6 months, it comes to almost $3,000.
We’ve had our differences and both of us agreed to seek professional help before getting married. I’ve been on antidepressants for over almost 2 years now and recently had my dosage upped to make things a little better and my condition has been improving. She hasn’t talked to a doctor, taken medication, or anything. She’s also on the autism spectrum which I understand does complicate things, but she hasn’t made any kind of noticeable effort.
She was my high school crush and I love her more than anything in the world but I can’t keep going on like this. If she can’t make a difference by the time our lease is up in April, we’ll have to go our separate ways. I’ve been pulling her up for years, but I can’t do it anymore. I’ve told her she needs to get a new job and get her finances in order if we want to keep going on but she’s so upset with me because she’s “trying her best”. I just don’t know what to do. AITA?
Comments
YTA/ESH if y’all can’t figure out how to talk to each other and make living within your means work.
If she is trying her best, either accept that, or break up.
She’s fiscally irresponsible and lacks ambition. People aren’t projects. You’ve enabled her as well so she really has no reason to make any changes.
I think you’d be wise to sit down and have a talk. Not pointing out every mistake but about goals and timelines and what you will/won’t do moving forward.
“Babe, we have talked about getting married and having a family. I very much want that with you. However, fiscal responsibility is important to me and I’m frustrated because I don’t see how we can hit those milestones unless you make some changes to your budget and financial behavior. I am tapped out. I can’t continue to cover your portion of bills. I am not here to shame you but I wanted to give you a heads up that if I don’t see a significant improvement in the next 3 mos, I am going to have to reevaluate the relationship. If you want my help looking at your budget, I’m happy to help. But I won’t be helping financially anymore.”
NTA because you have communicated your goals and desires regarding finances and joint planning for y’all’s future however you need to ask yourself if you are an even match with your goals and motivations. Anything that is a stressor in dating will become a bigger deal in marriage. I would say talk to a professional on how to communicate better, maybe that’s the reason why you aren’t getting through to her,
NTA. If she is on the spectrum, she might feel overloaded and is just shutting down when thinking about all those problems. She needs help with splitting these aims in small tasks and focusing on just one. Then second etc. In few words, she needs therapy.
finances are important, BUT relationships and people are always more important!!!
I keep draining my savings
So you AREN’T doing as well as you’d like us to believe
She was my high school crush
High school ended 6 years ago. If you are still living under the delusion that some chick you idolized in h.s. will live up to your teenage fantasy, you also need help.
NTA but why wait until April? She isn’t pulling her weight as it is. What is an additional 9 months going to demonstrate?
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If she can’t handle responsibility, small shared bills, and and the same hourly job, what kind of partner will she be when there are kids, a mortgage and even more bills? How are you going to feell pulling that load ALONE? She is not ready for a grown up relationship, so she needs to sort herself out. NTA
Girl doesn’t need medication she needs to take a course in financial literacy and responsibility. That is actually a thing. For the first couple paragraphs I was like, okay maybe she needs to advocate for raises and be more focused. But not filing taxes or renewing car registration is illegal. That’s is very likely not an autism or mental health issue. She needs a course in learning how to save, how to pay off debts and how to organize and prioritize bills. Google courses online and check out some of them. A lot of us were not taught financial literacy so she may just needs some education in that area and growing up to do.
It sounds like you have outgrown each other either try couples therapy or breakup. You may also try working with a financial planner .
If you don’t make the same amount things shouldn’t be split 50/50.
NTA honestly the not filing taxes and expired car registration would be a deal breaker for me. I just couldn’t live with that level of daily stress.
She now knows that she is worth to you about $ 3000, over that even you “ school crush, love more than anything” is too much for you . Maybe she doesn’t want change her job and she would be happier in a less expensive house and with public transportation and with somebody who does not want to save for a lavish wedding .
Honestly if I were in your shoes there wouldn’t have been an engagement until she was debt free. I guess now I woujd just tell her there won’t be a wedding until she’s debt free. The fact she can’t budget her income to cover her responsibilities is a gigantic red flag
You two need to have an honest conversation, and premarital counseling is a must. Before you proceed with a wedding you need to understand where the problem is: is your fiance unable to handle financial responsibilities, or is she dealing with mental health issues and/or bullying at work. As a person whose been passed by for promotion in the past despite good performance I can tell you that your gender, your ethnicity and your health are all going to be used against you even if you outperform people who have been promoted before you. It is EXHAUSTING to keep fighting against the current, and it may take a while to regroup. And as someone who has been married for over 10 years, I will have to warn you that you need to be prepared for unexpected financial hurdles ahead. My husband and I went from one of us being the sole provider, to the other way around. These flips were caused by discrimination at work and health issues. I’ve now been the main bread winner for over 5 years and it is stressful and a bit hard on me. We had to have a conversation about it and set goals. My husband took more household responsibilities so that I can focus on work. Our financial obligations may flip in a few months, given the current political instability where we live. You have to keep communicating, understand where the problem is, and decide if you’re ready for what it means to be married. Because trust me, life will throw a lot at you.
She does not sound like a person you can build a reliable future with.
You can’t save people who won’t participate in their own survival, she is drowning you while you try to pull her out of the water. It will start to effect your health mentally and physically, it might already be, please leave her before she drags you down with her. I am still recovering from a relationship where I was the only one trying, don’t be me. Best wishes to you ❤️
Nta. I dont think it’s a big deal if she doesn’t want to be promoted and take on more responsibility or a leadership role. Maybe she’s an introvert. It IS a big deal that she doesn’t do taxes and the other things you listed.
Honey she should’ve stayed a high school crush because she honestly doesn’t sound like someone I would want to start a life with personally because money to me and financial stability is very important so if I had a partner not on the same level as I am about money then why even be together because that’s one of the main factors in life unfortunately it’s how we survive so being with someone who doesn’t have the same feelings towards finances as you do without compromising is impossible because you’ll always be supporting her and she’ll always be late on bills because obviously financial stability isn’t as important to her I understand you love her but at the same time you need to be getting back the same effort you’re putting into this relationship and to me it doesn’t sound like you’re getting the same energy from her I honestly think that after you guys get married she’ll quit her job and expect you to support her I’m only speaking from experience with a similar situation
NAH. Obviously you care more about living a certain lifestyle than she does and you are pushing her to live outside of her means to create that ideal. You’re simply not compatible. She clearly doesn’t value money as much as you do. Set each other free.
She is spending her money somewhere making $3k per month and not paying for these other things. IT needs to be investigated before you guys get married.
Two promotions and three raises in six months? Ngl, that makes me doubt the story. I’ve never worked at a place that would give you more than one raise and one promotion a year. Is this normal?
YTA You say you love her so much. Yet money is a breaking point for you. It’s not like she doesn’t work. I feel like you have a money problem and want someone to blame. If she is smart she would leave you. Because this is not love.
YATAH!
Does she enjoy her job? Is she qualified for a much better job or not really? Some people will always work lower paid jobs and it doesn’t make them lazy or bad. You getting promotions doesn’t make her lazy.
High school romances almost always fail in adulthood. Some succeed, but the majority don’t. Mostly because as you grow up you become different people. You’ve turned into a responsible career driven person with a vision and plan for the future, she’s taken the first job after she graduated and has no drive or ambition to change it.
The problem is her debts will become your debts. She’s only delaying the inevitable crash when all her financial irresponsibility comes knocking at her door. Student loans, taxes, those people don’t mess about. Car people, they’ll impound her car without thinking twice. And guess who’ll be expected to pay all of that? You. I imagine there are other debts like credit cards hiding under the table too that are going to bite her in the ass that she’ll expect you to cover as well.
Being on the spectrum isn’t an excuse. I’m on the spectrum. Half the people on Reddit are on the spectrum. We think differently. We react differently. We find social situations awkward and uncomfortable. We don’t use it as an excuse not to pay our bills and expect someone else to pay them for us.
I think you are being very sensible putting the wedding on hold and giving it time to see if it changes. You have to protect your own mental health and this is destroying you. I’ve had depression so bad I’ve had life ending thoughts. It’s an awful thing to go through. Sometimes the only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation that is making it worse.
I cant say AH or NTA yet. There’s bits missing. Are you splitting every bill 50/50 or do you take on 70/30 role as youre earning more and she’s still struggling with the 30. Working 40hrs is a lot and youre wanting her to work more? I wouldn’t. You’ve got to live not work.
If she’s happy in her job and you want someone with more cash then its not going to work. End it now no point dragging it out.
NTA in my opinion. I’ve been where your gf is. Sounds like she just hasn’t had her wake up call yet.
If she is truly trying her best, then clearly it is not good enough for you & you should both likely go your own ways. You could wait til the lease is up like you said, or you could split now.
Again imo tho, she’s not trying her best. She has no job, and it doesn’t really even sound like she’s trying to find one. Sure money isn’t everything, but you literally will not make it without money.
She needs to start trying to improve her situation. Not only is she screwing herself, she’s mega-screwing you. I’d stop paying for anything not shared, especially her student loans & car note. You’re not her dad. You’re her boyfriend. You don’t need to coddle her like this.
It’s time for a real discussion I think. Lay it all out there and tell her how you feel fr.
She’s not putting in the effort after 6 years? She’s not the one
You are NTA. More red flags than a Chinese Communist Party parade.
She hasn’t filed taxes in four years? Christ on a pogo stick, the IRS is gonna destroy her when she does.
Not paying her student loans? You do not want to commingle funds or wind up on the hook for that fuckery.
As others have said, high school ended a long time ago. Move on, bro. She’s not ready for adulting.
I’m not sure she’s doing her best. It sounds like she coasting. I think you really need to ask yourself if she — as the person she is today — is your person, or if you’re idolizing the person you thought she was in high school. It sounds like you’re drifting apart and she’s dragging you down. NTA.
Speaking from experience – do NOT marry someone with poor money skills! She’ll be expecting you to bail her out forever.
My ex was crappy with money and because I stupidly trusted him to do the right thing for our two daughters, we lost our home that we’d been living in for 20 years.
Seriously don’t.
NTA
Nah. When you buy the cow to get the milk, you should not have ti keep paying for the cow. Dump her or you will be here financial anchor forever.
You are a steady, upwardly mobile and loyal person. Your fiancée is not. You have outgrown her. She has shown you who she is. Believe her and cut your losses. 🙏🙏
The taxes, car registration and no payment no student loans are a big deal. So is the fact that you are draining your savings to cover her bills. It sounds like you’re both living above your means. Your solution is for her to get a better job, which may or may not be realistic depending on her skills, education, and where you live.
For example, if she’s pre-k teacher, that salary is pretty standard and depending where she works, her salary might be set.
But if she’s not being paid, she needs to contact the department of labor, or find a new job, or both.
And don’t marry someone who doesn’t pay their taxes or student loans. Period.
NTA with a slight E S H if you think you can build a future with this person.
No matter how much you love someone else, you cannot make another person into someone they aren’t or do not want to be. Decide if your GF is the person you want to be with or not. Then act accordingly. NTA.
NTA it sounds like you’ve outgrown her and that’s ok.
Based on the numbers you quoted you should be doing fine financially, the fact that your struggling makes me wonder if you are really aware of where your money is going or if there are some money or other habits that either one or both of you have that are causing problems. I just feel there are enough issues that getting married without resolution is I’ll advised.
If she hasn’t filed her taxes in 4 years. She better watch out. The IRS will be coming after her. If she thinks she has problems now financially, it’ll be worse for her with the IRS
It sounds like you are not compatible. That’s ok. There’s so many things that can make a couple non compatible. Now, she might be doing her very best, you mentioned she is on the spectrum. If you can’t handle it, let her find someone who can.
She is red flags twirling. 1) No taxes filed 2) not paying on student loans 3) not registering her car 4) gaslighting you on “all you care about is money 5) not covering her share of the bills 6) not contributing to paying for the wedding.
You my sir have to decide if you want to raise a woman child or have a partner in life. I wouldn’t give an ultimatum. I would just be very clear on your decision.
It’s all one-sided, but I have to wonder if she’s pulling her weight in other ways that you’re not recognizing.
Regardless, as a man, I think it’s disgusting to expect your spouse to match you toe for toe on everything in the same way.
NTA Communicating your expectations about finances and wanting her to be a responsible adult is only fair. If she has autism and she needs additional help with some of these things, then you can help her look for support systems but she needs to take steps to get that help.
Please look at this situation realistically. She hasn’t filed a tax return in 4 years? Strike one and it’s a big one. She’s bringing in what some would consider to be average income yet she can’t make basic payments like utilities? She is driving without updated car registration? Strike, strike, strike. Red flags are flying so hard maybe you can’t see the truth. She’s going to drag you down into financial ruin if you marry her. All of a sudden, your tax return is flagged when you file jointly. Unpaid bills and obligations destroy your credit. She is financially irresponsible and it’s going to become your nightmare because you allow her to use you as her safety net. You are not ready for marriage at this point, unless and until she provides a full accounting of her true financial situation and a plan to fix it – without your money beingher solution. Money problems can destroy a marriage as quickly as infidelity. Please protect yourself! NTA.
Sometimes love just ain’t enough.
Didn’t file taxes???? Oh boy. If she owed she’s screwed. Have you calmly listed bills and actually showed her on paper the problem? Try that. As for wedding. Please please. Go get married at a court house. In this economy save that money. It’s one day. It’s all for show. It means less than nothing towards the rest of your life. Great job on owning your car. Payments now are crazy. Good luck and understand this is the rest of your life if you can’t help her understand the problem. Love is great but over time , stress will choke it out
NTA. This problem will follow your whole relationship unless she changes. And it doesn’t seem that she’s willing to change. I couldn’t sleep at night with this problem.
If she’s working full time, what is she spending her money on?
I get that she doesn’t earn a lot, but if she’s not contributing to expenses and not paying her student loans, and not even paying car registration… where’s it going? She earns more than half the rent.
NTA
You can break up with someone for any reason.
I couldn’t date someone who wasn’t paying taxes and their car registration—this would add to my background stress so much.
Autism is classified as different level of support needs. Sounds like she has some executive dysfunction issues as far as getting her car registration done, paying taxes, etc. My recommendation as an autistic female would be to seek help from a therapist to help manage these things. She may need your help to complete these things until she can figure out how to manage her issues or she may always need the help. Graduating high school, college and finding adult job is a lot of change and sometimes overwhelming.
If you’re getting married I recommend learning about the neurodivergent mind so you have a better understanding of it.
I think you need to get out of this relationship ….. now.
Sunk Cost Fallacy
If you find yourself stuck in an incompatible relationship because you don’t want all the time and energy you’ve already invested to feel like a waste, it’s important to remember that the past is in the past. All you have control over now is the present. Now is the time to take action so that you can have a better future.
You need to get a COMPLETE and ACCURATE picture of her financial status. You are not financially compatible. You will incur some of her debt, i.e. IRS if you marry her.
Please reconsider your relationship.
She says “she’s trying her best”
Narrator: In truth, she was not trying her best.
Generally, I’ve found that when people say they are trying their best they are really just doing what is comfortable for them. To get results you often have to be uncomfortable, but sounds like your SO won’t go there.
Either get used to doing it all or move on.
To me it sounds like she has major mental health problems. Maybe she loves her job and doesn’t want to quit, or has really bad anxiety about getting a different one. Its not always black and white and OP needs to sit down with her and have deep discussions about why she can’t do the things he has pointed out here. I will say OP is delusional if he thinks everything in relationships is 50/50, including finances. That’s the fastest way to a failed marriage.
It also bothers me that OP says she has Autism, but it feels like he’s not very understanding of it and is getting frustrated by her not doing things “normally” and if this is the case, he should move on and let her find someone who will have the patience and understanding for her.
Nobody is ever an a hole for choosing to break up with someone. None of us are obligated to be with someone when we don’t want to. Relationships aren’t a charity project. I’m saying this as an autistic person myself so you can rest assured I’m not ignorant about what it’s like to be autistic, but it doesn’t entitle me to have a partner behave like my carer. It simply seems you’ve outgrown her. You’re ambitious and she’s not. This is fair. This is life. We grow and change.
It’s harder to break up with someone when the situation is like this, much easier if there’s abuse/cheating involved, it’s black and white. You have a right to choose your future and be with someone you want. It sucks, but this is life. Best to just end things and move on.
How money is handled affects everything, really. If there are differences between you in expectations and contributions, marrying will actually intensify those problems, because you could end up legally responsible for some of her debt, or be affected by her credit if you want to move. I know it’s not what you are wanting to hear. But purely from a stability standpoint, making a bigger commitment is a bad idea for you. She would need to take responsibility for her finances, and she is not willing or not able to do that. Because of her being on the spectrum, she may not be able to see things as you do. But that doesn’t mean you have to continue to support her. Sorry this is happening to you.
NTA if she doesn’t work on this you have to leave. I have a friend whose husband is like this… kind of he doesn’t try to get help he jumps job to job. Doesn’t take any initiative and it always lands on her. They were around your age when they got married.please don’t go down the same path. You won’t have stability financially or mentally.
ESH
Bro, you should consider yourself lucky that SHE WORKS AT ALL.
I was married for 10 years to someone who fought employment like it was attempting to assault her. You think taking care of someone making 19/hour is bad? Try 0/hour plus a kid. With diabetes.
As someone who’s been single a long time, I cannot comprehend why you would leave someone that cares about you over money.
ESH.
This will not get better. This financial irresponsibility and haplessness is her MO, and you will be picking up her slack forever.
Rethink taking this person on for life, because she will remain dependent on you. You’re her financial enabler, and she has zero incentive to change her ways… because you take care of her shortfalls. By her lights, that’s your job.
You really want to marry her under these conditions? NTA to threaten to leave, because for your own sake, you should.
She is clearly stuck and not functioning as an adult by not handling basic responsibilities. She has to want to get help. You can’t do it for her and you have been more than patient. She either needs to start getting some help or you need to move on. NTA
You both are young .. better to find different people instead of trying to make this work.
Okay so a lot of people are asking for more context. She gets paid every other week and after federal/state/local taxes her take home pay is roughly $2000/month. When we started out living on our own we made about the same (I might’ve made .50 more an hour if anything). My company only requires you to be in position for 90 days before you can interview for a promotion for the roles I was in. For my current role, it’s 180 days and I have another promotion interview scheduled for the week after those 180 days are up. We’ve been together almost 5 years at this point. I do most of our shopping for both us and our cats (which I didn’t include in the original numbers) because I understand that I made more and I had been taking care of it to begin with. She’s a very picky eater and often doesn’t want to cook or like the things that I buy so she buys her own stuff even though I insist that we need to cook/use cheaper stuff so we can afford to live. I work 40hrs a week every week and sometimes more, as is what often happens in management. Before I moved up I also worked in sports so when the team would be home I would work 60hrs/week between both jobs and 30 on the teams’s away weeks. She is qualified for better and higher paying roles elsewhere and her company is 100% discriminating against her as she’s a woman in a traditionally male dominated field. I know it, and she does too. I’ve rewritten her resume/cv for her multiple times but she tells me she doesn’t want to do x,y,z and then never applies (even though she tells me she does). I’ve asked her to sit for a financial planning course that I would take with her because I’m sure there are things I could do better too but she’s refused. Money isn’t the end all for me, but it’s important. Both of our families were on the edge of poverty when we were children and neither of us want to go through that again or put our hypothetical future children in that situation. She used to be medicated but hasn’t been in years. We signed a 1 year lease and have to pay to get out of it if we break the lease early (not a smart decision I know. I never said I was perfect.) I never wanted to be in retail management at all. I hate it. I do it because unfortunately I’m pretty good at it and it pays the bills. I wanted to work in sports full time but those jobs are often low paying and very hard to get, so I do what I have to so we can have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge.
If you suspect that she is on the spectrum. This could be a reason that she has trouble with money. Quitting her job for a new one may be daunting for her. Change can be extremely difficult for some people. For some people Imagining change can be impossible.
The two of you need to be on the same page with your goals. This requires setting those goals together. You need to be working towards the same future, or you will never be happy together. Have a talk about what you want your lives to look like, and how to make that happen.
NTA. Stop upping your medication when the real problem is that you are deeply unhappy in your relationship and it had run it’s course.
NTA. It sounds like you and your fiancée are financially incompatible. She has not made a smooth transition to adulthood, and is financially irresponsible. Not filing tax returns, paying loan payments, etc, is a big problem when it is just her. If you get married, it becomes your problem too. Counseling may help, but you may have to accept the fact that you and she are just in different worlds when it comes to financial responsibility.
NTA
NTA. You are genuinely working towards progress and to be debt free..
It sounds like she is not interested in working on those things right now and it might be best for you guys to part ways.
If you really do love her. Try to see about how she can get a raise at her current job. Perhaps offer to help set up ways for her to start paying off her debts… Little coaxing.. Lots of support…she sounds like her mental health really needs some work and if you are about that “true love”.. You know that’s a delicate process but an important and vital one.
I stopped reading at “hasn’t filed taxes in 4 years.” Do NOT legally tie yourself to this person. The IRS will come after YOUR paycheck to collect if you’re married.
To have a full time job without paying taxes is wild- it will be collected on at some point- with insane interest and penalties tacked on.
Run from this person- they will tale you down.
It just sounds like y’all have outgrown each other. It’s okay. It happens. Loving someone isn’t enough of a reason to settle for a partner whose lifestyle and ambitions don’t align with yours.
ASD is also a factor. As a parent of someone with ASD, getting my child to do the things she needs to do (school, therapy, meds, self care) can be utterly exhausting at times. I would have ZERO judgement for you or anyone else who felt unable to stay in a romantic relationship where there was an element of that caregiving involved.
NTA. You obviously love her and want to make it work. But you alone can’t make that happen. She has to do her part. And if her “trying her best” still leaves you in a position of stress and discomfort, it is better for both of you to move on. Good luck, friend. ❤️
You need to tell her if she is actually “trying her best” you understand, but it’s not working for you, so in April when the lease is up, if this is her best, she’ll have to be doing her best on her own.
It sounds like your split is equal but not equitable. If she makes less, or has more debt, her share should be less. That would be equitable. And if what she can contribute and what you can contribute is putting you further in a hole, you’re living outside your means. And going into further debt for a wedding seems silly. We never had a wedding for that reason, we would rather save that money and use it for other things. My husband makes more than me so our finances are pooled equitably not equally.
Ok OP you stated she is autistic. My nephew is autistic. They don’t do well with change, and constantly telling her to get a better job creates a huge amount of anxiety for autistic people. If you aren’t happy with this, leave her be. I haven’t filed my taxes in over 5 years, but I’m also disabled and unable to work and survive on the tiny disability check I get from social security. I make too little money to file taxes. You have to make $19,000 a year to file your taxes. Two if you two are engaged and planning to marry then it isn’t your income, and her income it is your shared income. In a shared bank account . This way all bills get paid and yes you can file a joint return before marriage you just list yourself as head of household. I know my nephew takes medication, is she on any meds because they might need to be adjusted or her Dr could re-evaluate her and determine if she needs meds. If you love her like you say try my suggestions. It just might help
Her debt and issues will become your issue if you get married. It’s time to dip and it’s because she’s financially irresponsible.
You need to decide if the number one cause of divorce being financial incompatibility, is a deal breaker. Huge red flag.
I dont think you need to dump her, but definitely don’t marry her. Make her pay 50/50 and don’t help her financially. She is an adult and needs to learn some hard life lessons.
My advice is don’t sweat the small stuff.
3-4 months of having to cover for your partner is nothing. How will you go if she gets pregnant?
Same with marriage and wedding. Focus on the goal, which is not a single event like a wedding but your relationship. The ceremony is just an official thing.
You two should get couples counselling.
yes, you definitely are
also something doesn’t add up….if she’s not paying any of this stuff and works full time, where is all the money going?
People change. You met when you were both young. Now you have both grown, and it sounds like you have done so in different directions. You aren’t bad for wanting what you want, and you are still young enough to find what you desire.
I love her more than anything in the world
I keep draining my savings
She also hasn’t been paying on her student loans and hasn’t filed taxes in 4 years.
I’ve been on antidepressants for over almost 2 years now and recently had my dosage upped to make things a little better
YOU may “love her more than anything in the world” but she doesn’t really give a crap about you.
NTA but sounds like this is who she is and this is the life youll lead with her moving forward. If you cant deal with it then sadly is what it is
Bro, you are in love with an illusion. What you just listed are pretty big dealbreakers for most people. How exactly do you expect to plan a future with someone who can’t even handle their present responsibilities?
You have no business getting married because you don’t understand what it is to be a provider. Who do you think will be paying the bills when she gives birth to your children? Please do her a favor and break up with her. She wants a man, not a whiny little boy. When you don’t make the same amount of money splitting things 50/50 makes no sense. You aren’t roommates. You are supposed to be a team. So she should be covering maybe 30% while you take on 70%. It will be you 100% when she has kids. Wake up!
NTA because she is not doing the adult things she needs to do like keeping her registration current, filing taxes, etc. That has to be very frustrating.
You also seem to be really resenting having to cover more of the bills, but at any point did you consider doing payments proportionally based on income? It sounds like she’s stretched pretty thin with her obligations, it doesn’t sound like she’s blowing money frivolously, she just has more expenses than you, and a lower income with no signs of increasing.
YTA if you are just dropping hints and mid whine about it, without explaining( reminding her) of the deeper reason why you worry about her not ”stepping up”.Tto me it seems like you both are stuck in a pattern where you are the responsable money person in the relationshiip, and she just coasting along, without really taking full responsability over her own economy.
I do NOT not think she ”using you” intentionally, but for some reason she seems to be staying in her comfort zone, even if deep down she may pissibly feel shame about not taking action to get a better paying job, This could be why she is acting so avoidant…
NTA if you ask her what her problem is is and why she is not doing what you both have talket about begore. ask her what youcan do to help her achive her objectives.
iI you sit down together go through yout budget, all expenses, personal and shared it can make itmore clear to her that you econmic situatiin is nit conductive in building the future you (both.) want. tell her about your dreams having a future with her to explain the reason why you do not want to live hand -in -mouth. gi thtough and what it takes to get to a etter place financially TOGETHER.
I once was her, and remember I felt stuck and useless, all while I lost more and more of my frail self confidence. from the outside I might have looked complacent, On the inside I was terrified, frozen in fear that I would orive to be a fake and loser. I did not dare to even try to get another, better paying job, as long as my old place ”let me stay”.
OP should focus on getting her onboard and makingckkear that he wants to better their economy forthem to have a wonderful future together.
She may be your high school crush, but you are her wallet. After all this time, do you really think she’s gonna change?
You said that the wedding expenses are falling solely on you too. Do you really think she’s going to contribute anything?
I think this is a perfect time for a wake up call on your part. You don’t even have a child, but you are supporting one.
I think neither of yall are assholes, just don’t suit each other. It’s actually really high the amount of women on the spectrum who get aneurysms at our age and a lot of it has to do with the constant stress we put ourselves through to try and function at a neurotypicals level. It’s harder for us to put up with doing stupid work and the often toxic work relationships/environments that come with minimum wage jobs. So that’s probably why she gets so irritated when you keep bringing it up bc she probably already feels like she’s not enough and you’re unintentionally making her feel like a burden as we often feel. She would be better suited with a man who can provide for his woman and she can have the liberty of taking her time to find a job she truly loves and doesn’t have to do just for money, but because she loves it. But if you’re looking for a woman to be on that money grind with you, we aren’t the ones to do it with you. We tend to value our well being, interests in the world, and whatever passions we obsess over more than dollars. I’m lucky that I found something that suites me really well and pays well but it takes time for us to get there. When I was doing what your fiancé is going, I got so stressed I started having migraines, cysts popping up in all different places of my body, irregular menstrual cycles, and random pains and sensory overloads like crazy. Now I’m completely fine, cycle on time, and happy af with my fiancé . You two just can’t provide that type of peace for each other unless you can provide for her and not worry about money to the point you stress her out. Let her do what she needs to do on her own time without pressure to find her passion and support that. But this isn’t to put blame on you, just explaining what she needs and if her needs affect your needs, which are equally important, then move on for the health of both of you. That type of stress can quite literally kill is like how hamsters die from stress. I even had “mini strokes” before, thank god it didn’t lead to aneurysm. But let me tell you, when an aspy finds their passion in a job, it usually takes the fck off like a rocket bc we usually become the best at what we do bc we are very passionate and obsessive over the things we love and provide a different perspective that sheds new lights on things.
Sounds like her best doesn’t meet your expectations/ needs. NTA. Why would you stay if you know this would always be an issue? She told you it’s her best, it sounds like you don’t believe her and expect her to get a better job. I feel like that has been asked and answered, she’s already doing her best so there is no higher paying job as that would take more than her best.
You have your answer, you just want love to be enough to compensate for hard truths.
The only thought I have which might set this storyline on a different trajectory is if she has been tested. Autism is so often linked with ADHD that if she is undiagnosed then she might also have ADHD. If this crazy scenario came to pass then, yes, I can absolutely see hope in her financial situation improving as she could get on meds. Life changing. My salary went up $65k the year I went on meds. But again, long shot, as I have no idea.
She sounds like she might be depressed. Sometimes, our bodies sit in fight/flight/freeze, and we have to calm the central nervous system to bust out of it.
Try this: use encouraging words and point out to her the things she does well, lift her up. If she feels like she can breathe or like you’re working together, she is more likely to be able to pull out of that mode and start getting things done. She’ll also reflect that back to you.
You are definitely NTA. And it sucks that youbstuck in this cycle.
(Side note: If she’d file taxes, she might get a little back to be able to pay more things!) Has she said why she hasn’t found another job? Maybe she doesn’t feel like she can do anything else? Or maybe she’s scared to start a new job?
How you guys communicate your needs also makes a difference. You both need to feel heard and seen, loved, respected. Sometimes, the differences in communication create environments where we feel constantly stressed, unsafe, and unwanted. You guys definitely need to discuss your wants, needs, dreams and create some timelines- and choose some tasks that each of you can tackle and some to do together. I’m just trying to think of ways for you guys to break out of the rut and emotionally get the care you need from each other (try different tactics to talk about these things that she’s not getting done)
Thank god my husband is old school and takes care of everything.
I feel like your post contains all the info she needs: actionable requests and a timeline.
By April 2026, work on these points:
Your girlfriend has a disability that makes all of those seemingly easy “life tasks” 100x harder than they are for you. If you can’t deal with this, you guys just are not compatible.
NAH
Not filing taxes is actually a criminal offense while not paying taxes is civil. Time to move on for many reasons.
She is not living up to your expectations of her Potential. That’s on you!
If she is happy not paying loans, filing taxes, and driving with expired tabs that’s on her.
She needs to come clean and show you where her money is going.
She makes 39k a year. Once she files her taxes she might have penalties if she owed taxes. Probably not. She might even have money coming back. Especially if she was paying student loan at the time.
The only way the relationship is going to move forward is sitting down about the money. The number one reason marriages fail is money issues. And if she’s making 39,000 a year and you are making 65,000 a year bills should not be split 50-50. You need to figure out a better percentage if that’s how things are being paid.
Simply speaking, you’ve acquired a moocher …
I hear ya brother; feel for ya. If she’s your girl, your highschool crush and you’re trying to have a future…
3k is potatoes over time. Me and my wife did the share a queen in a 4 bedroom eating ramen bit… but had we not made it through, had she not pulled me up when I needed it, or me helping her when she needed it… we wouldn’t be where we are today.
Figure out your priorities; if they aren’t aligning with her, or your future narrative no longer has her in it.. then split peacefully.
The investor in me wants to tell you that today’s investments are tomorrow’s returns. What’s that 3k afforded ya?
Good luck either way
If she’s “trying her best”, then her best isn’t adequate for your sense of security and forward motion. In life you have to figure out whose in your way and whose got your back, and treat them accordingly. Which one is she? Love isn’t the sole requirement to a long term sustainable relationship. It’s a bummer that your high school crush has come to this.
Got this advice a long time ago. Shrink your lifestyle to fit within one earners means. The other persons money goes towards savings, investments, your kids 529 plans, vacations, etc. when you get married all this half and half business goes out the door. You are a unit of 1.
This is something you two need to figure out BEFORE the wedding. And you might need to reconsider the wedding if you can’t get on the same page about finances. It’ll put a strain on your relationship and build resentment if you don’t fix the issue
I would agree she needs to improve her career as well as her finances.
She has autism and has stayed employed over the last 4 years, which you should realize is an accomplishment. Some studies have shown 60%+ of people with autism are unemployed and probably an additional percentage are underemployed. She may be working somewhere that has few opportunities for advancement, or have social deficits that prevent her from receiving the same opportunities for advancement that you have received. She makes less money but you expect things to be split equally. She may be struggling to maintain the expectations you have for her. Your tone sounds like you feel disdain but not compassion.
This will end in disaster for you bro. Financially and mentally. Sorry. But you’ve got to face it you’re working on two entirely different things. You’re in it for the future and she’s in it for comfort and to have you as a safety net. End it.
so there’s a lot going on here. Disclaimer – I am AudHD as is my partner of 13 years.
She’s autistic. Change is very difficult. She is comfortable with her job. She obviously isn’t ready to handle adult responsibilities.
It’s very difficult to find a new job these days and even harder for an autistic person. Very hard to find a job that you can stick with long term as someone is bound to complain and you are bound to make too many mistakes.
It’s very difficult to stay on top of bills and renewals. Your sense of time is very different and potential consequences don’t become consequences to avoid until they actually happen to you, usually more than once. Most of us aren’t taught about money management, or if we were, it has has been forgotten.
Speaking of memory, that is just not as robust as a neuronormative person’s ability. If something isn’t happening right now, it may as well not exist at all.
So you have a couple of choices. (1) Handle these things for her. Manage her money and give her an allowance from her paycheck after the bills are paid. Take over things like plate renewals, etc. and manage that stuff. Many husbands do this simply because their wife isn’t great at it. (2) go to couples counseling with her with an autism/adhd specialist and figure out how your relationship is going to need to work so that she is supported in her needs and you don’t feel resentful about it. I imagine you knew she was autistic when you got together, so it’s your responsibility now to really dig in and learn about it, how it presents in behaviors, and how to mitigate those behaviors.
In my relationship, it has been a true partnership where we help each other with all the things. We keep a whiteboard calendar and each month we fill it in with the appointments and deadlines coming up. We set notifications, alarms, etc. and remind each other of things through the GAlarm app (which is great for neurodivergent thinking) and via text. I couldn’t handle cooking and cleaning for us both, and he is a slob, so we bought a duplex and now live together apart – I’m responsible for my side, he for his. We go food shopping together but we each cook our own meals because of taste and texture preferences. We usually eat one meal a week together on his days off, but I have to do it all. I have to handle the bills (he has procrastinated us into dropped insurance and ended up getting sued over a c.c.), but I’ve built a habit around getting it done on his payday (I worked as an accountant for a few years before I retired). We keep our money separate, at different banks even, but we do automated transfers into a separate account which we use just for the bills. We keep our laundry separate because we each like different detergents – we even have two w/d sets because we each tend to forget and leave loads half-done. lol
He’s had the same shitty job for nearly 10 years. He could be earning much more. But he can’t handle job searches or interviews and just shuts down. I’ve learned to just let that be as cajoling or shaming him depresses him – he would like to be earning more but just can’t handle the changes and effort that would take. Besides, it is his life and he makes enough. There’s no rule that says he must be ambitious for the bills to be paid, we are just careful not to spend outside our means.
Anyway, I could go on, but the bottom line is that we worked hard to find a way to be together that minimizes the issues, supports each other, and is comfortable for us both. If you want to marry her, you’re likely going to have to go through the same process.
NTA and she wont change because you are enabling her. She is being completely financially irresponsible. You have given her enough time to improve. Call off the engagement and learn to know when it is time to call it quits.
Being autistic she may not be capable. If you cannot accept her how she is, you may need to move on. Would it be less stressful if you handled all the finances? Could you help to get her out of debt if you handled her money? You may have to accept that she isn’t going to progress at work like you will. My 26 yr old son is autistic, and while he has many great qualities I hope someone will love him for one day, there are other things his future spouse will need to take on….
If she’s autistic and having problems with managing certain life skills, then you can either help and support her if she’ll let you, or not.
If you are making more money, you can also adjust the percentage that goes into your mutual expenses, or not.
If you no longer want this, then be honest and come up with a plan to separate amicably.
You pretty much just gave everyone here a list of how you’re perfect and how she sucks. I don’t think you love her.
NTA. Yeah she doesn’t sound all that smart if you’re why can’t she pay her half she used to what is she doing with her money now? I mean if it’s still not enough she can always get a part-time job I see not wanting to who does. But if she can’t find yourself a better full-time job in the interim she could get a part-time job for an extra 10 or 15 hours a week just to bump up her take home for $400 to $500 a month.
As for not paying her part of utilities or her car registration I mean that’ll take a 5-minute you log into your DMV account and order it online it’s really easy to do. After your renters insurance that cannot cost that much money. My kids get that it’s like $100 for the year, maybe a little more but never over 130 or so. Yeah you need to sit down with her and go over everything that she hasn’t done and needs to fix. She needs to figure out a way of organizing herself.
Not paying her taxes for years yeah that’s going to bite her in the butt, as well as not making her student loan payments. Yes she’s going to be in the world of trouble they’re not going to just go and it’s okay just pay when you can.
So you’re right if you ever actually married her you would have to be in charge of finances and that’s fine. Maybe that’s what she needs to stay on the straight and narrow.
NTA.
Not paying student loans, not doing taxes and not doing registration are things that will eventually catch up with your girlfriend.
I wouldn’t want to be near that when the inevitable happens.
And I don’t care if she’s autistic, if these things were too difficult for her to manage, she could ask for help. Not help in paying them but in their management.
Not finding a new job is one thing. The market is tighter than the numbers suggest. I’d show a little grace.
The real issue is irresponsibility. Failing to file taxes, deal with her student loans, or register the car… These are financial decisions that will wreck her for years to come. And if you marry her, these become your problems.
Ditch her ASAP. If you marry her, her debit and issues will become yours. I don’t care what her diagnosis is, that doesn’t excuse her behavior. Why are you covering her expenses?
I will tell you, from personal experience, these folks never change and you will be bailing her out forever and she will max your cards and destroy your credit rating.
Hasn’t paid taxes in four years? Said for 1.5 years she’d get a better job and hasn’t
NTA
If it were me, I would cancel the Wedding. She is making excuses because she doesn’t want to better herself and that is not a good wife.
NTA. You should never get married if you have ANY doubts. Take as long as you need to be sure, but you deserve to feel safe in your relationship and it does not sound like you do. You are still very young and maybe have just grown apart.
NTA because what you’re asking for is fair on a personal basis. However, marriage is a partnership. It sounds like you’re not coming at this issue as a teammate of hers. Come up with a plan together, and work that plan together. You’re not roommates, you are a family.
ESH. While her not getting promoted or not wanting a second job is her business, her financial irresponsibility is a problem. Not filing taxes, not paying her student loans, car registration ect. If this makes you incompatible, maybe it’s best you go your separate ways.
You’re both 24, while you seem fairly responsible, it’s clear she’s not mature enough to be thinking about marriage. Maybe you’re not either (with her anyway) if her not getting a promotion is a requirement for marriage.
YTA. This whole story sounds fishy as hell. Math isn’t mathing. There’s plenty of money being made in total. You together can pay all your bills and should have extra left over. This all reads like the set up for an episode of Caleb Hammer where when they actually check the bank statements the husband is actually wasting all their joint money on mini figs and cigarettes.
You say you love her, but you’re willing to throw the life you have with her away because she can’t provide you your dream life. Sounds like you don’t lover HER you love the idea of her you made up when you were 17. You love the fantasy version of her who is rich and a mom to your kids who also makes tons of money.
If you want to be rich and have kids then make that dream happen yourself. Keep getting promotions and making more money and support your wife. Let her be essentially a SAHM and make that dream come true yourself. It’s not like she’s some lazy bum on the couch, she works 40hrs per week for pete’s sake!
It seems like she likes her job. That’s the life she wants to have. If you don’t want to be with a person who you have to support then you’ve grown apart. She’s not an asshole. You just want different things. There’s no rule in life everyone has to contribute equally 50-50 to everything. ESPECIALLY when she is neurodivergent and has different needs.
What makes you the asshole is this “pull your weight” attitude. You DO care about money more than your life with her. You’re literally leaving her over it. She’s right. She has issues sure, but YTA here for sure.
NTA.
The fact is, you’ve done everything you can. There’s is always a limit, and you’ve reached yours.
My normal advice is set a silent deadline. A date you have in mind for improvement, and if you haven’t seen the improvement, or at least an effort towards it, then your decision has been made for you. You’ve already done this. The lease end date.
I didn’t see it clearly, but you need to tell her. Normally I say a silent deadline, but in light of the autism, sometimes things need to be spelled out clearly (several friends and family are on varying degrees of the spectrum) and I think now is that time. Then she knows, its now or never. She may not find a job she’s happy in, may not find anything that fits, but to have made no effort at all says everything. Give her that push. If she still won’t, then she either isn’t taking you seriously, or she simply doesn’t respect you enough to care. And autism has nothing to do with that.
Shes not ready to do anything mutually helpful, you’ve already figured it out, you’ll be fool with money soon parted if you stay in the relationship
Run. She is financially negligent and will drag you down.
I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship like that. I’d rather be on my own lol at least . Not filing taxes? Nope grow up
Well since you have known her for so long has she been motivated to be upwardly mobile? For example my brother has always worked since a teen and now as an adult he’s in a managerial position does overtime the whole nine yards. Then there’s me I’ll work and but I won’t run to it and I’ll do ot only if I’m forced. Now is your fiancée more like me or my brother?
From how you described things you’re definitely like my brother and if she’s more like me and has always been that way you’re upset that she’s behaving in a way that has been consistent with her personality. I’m not saying she can’t change but she would have to see a need for it (which is true for most people).
I generally advise against putting down ultimatum’s, (in most cases)because if they give in to said ultimatum and they don’t see results they can understand it will breed resentment or in order to give in to said ultimatum they shut a part of themselves down to cope and eventually you’ll have the “what happened honey? You seem different” conversation.
If you love them and if they love you better that the two of you try to come to some sort of compromise.
NTA, being tight on money has nothing to do with the priorities in life like car registration and taxes. Sounds like she is self sabotaging?!? If car gets impounded for lack of registration that will exponentially add to her mental and financial stress!!
You have financial incompatibility and that should be a deal breaker because it’s not going to improve or change. People who are bad with money pretty much keep the status quo their entire life. It is one of the most common reasons for divorce.
You’re obviously stressed out by it, it’s okay to throw in the towel and wait for someone on the same page. My ex husband was a gambler and I knew early on we’d be broke for life no matter how much we made (and we were making six figures in the late 90’s). It stressed me almost into PTSD. I paid the bills but he actually accused me of “not paying for anything”. The denial can run deep. Anyway, I’m now in a 20 year, financially stable marriage and if we were to split up, it wouldn’t be over money. Life is too short. Don’t settle for less than compatible like I did the first time.