We’re paying for 90% of our wedding, but his parents keep demanding changes (venue, menu, guest list). I finally told them unless they’re contributing, they don’t get to dictate. Now they think I disrespected them. Was I out of line?
AITA for telling my fiancé’s parents they need to contribute financially if they want a say in our wedding plans?
r/AITAH
Comments
No, that makes perfect sense. They don’t get a say if they ain’t gonna pay
Nope. But you need to talk to your future husband about shutting down his intrusive ass parents. That’s the deal: you each manage your own families and if they disrespect your partner you step in.
Make that expectation fucking clear and tell him to handle this bullshit.
He should be handling HIS parents. Tell them those ideas sound great, maybe his next wife will use them.
NTA – well no
But maybe your fiance should be handling his parents. Your comment wasnt out of line necessarily, but without more context the delivery could have/should have been from a different person
NTA they’re being choosing beggars. If they want to be the hosts then that means they pay for it.
But you’re taking away their precious little prince, you’re just not good enough.
NTA fiancé needs to grow a spine and shut mummy and daddies ridiculous interference right down!
NTA and not out of line. I would have added, “And if you can’t keep your opinions to yourself, you don’t get an invite either.”
NTA because you’re right, however, it’s worked best for my husband and I to both handle our own parents. Both of you need to be involved with determining the boundaries, but they can’t blame you for the message when it’s their child who’s the messenger.
Want a say, you pay…
NTA
Nope. NTA
Absolutely not. Bride and Groom are paying, Bride and Groom are orchestrating. They are out of line and need to respect your plans.
Congratulations!
NTA. Put up or shut up is a totally reasonable response.
NTA
Good for you for acting like an adult when the in-laws are acting like children.
That said, this is your husband’s cross to bear – get him to man up, this shouldn’t be something you need to address.
NTA even if they had contributed, unless the money was given with their demands known up front so you could decline, it still wouldn’t be their decision. Your husband needs to tell them it’s not their wedding and when you want opinions you’ll ask.
Adding again to say that your husband should tell them that THEY are disrespecting the two of you by trying to make your wedding all about them.
Why do they have any say at all in this?????
NTA.
NTA. If they want a say then they have to pay for it. They are disrespecting you by trying to make demands of your wedding first.
Where’s the other 10% coming from?
Even if it’s your fiancées parents, I still don’t think giving money (especially a fraction of the cost) means they get to have any input, but your fiancée may think different.
NTA. Your husband should be delivering these messages though.
NTA. And contributing 10% does not give them much to say. Maybe a few extra guests, certainly not your venue, the food, etc. And if you fiance doesn’t stand up for you, then imagine what it will be like when you have kids and the naming of the babies comes up. Good luck
NTA. My dad made a not-insignificant contribution to my wedding and immediately demanded changes to our plans, so I gave him his money back and spared my then-fiancée a lot of unnecessary grief.
Absolutely not out of line. But your fiance needs to grow a spine and tell them himself.
ESH. They’re wrong for demanding changes. You’re wrong for thinking if they contribute they get a say, because even if they contribute, it’s your wedding and you decide.
NTA, but I wouldn’t even give them a chance to pay for anything otherwise you’re going to be dealing with their shitty behavior even more than you are now.
Also, your future husband needs to stand up for you.
NTA. You have a big future husband problem if he’s not speaking up. Get that figured out before you tie yourself to him and his family. Postpone if you have to. You do not want Mommy’s booboo baby spouse.
Only problem I see is in terms of taking on that responsibility instead of having fiancé be the one to talk with his parents.
NTA. Entitled future in-laws need to be put in their place. They don’t get to make demands on your wedding.
Your fiancee needs to talk to their parents. This isn’t their wedding. They are not contributing. They don’t get to make demands.
Info: What does your fiance say about it?
Unless you really like their ideas, don’t tell them they can say if they pay. What happens if they cough up the money? Just say thank you for sharing your thought. We’re happy with our choices.
Nope. Establish hard boundaries NOW and don’t tolerate their BS.
Why make a deal with them? Just keep saying no. And tell their son to step up and deal with them. If he doesn’t, then you get to decide if this is how you want the rest of your life. Boundaries matter. Big time.
UR WEDDING,UR THE BRIDE,UR BIG DAY so dont give in to theiir demands.. My son got married last december and each of us contributed a bit and none of us had any demands . Its their big day. They invited only 20 people and it was held on a beach. They are spending all their savings on buying a house and honestly i couldnt be happier that they did not spend it on huge wedding . But i am not advocating everyone should do this. All i am saying is ur big day and u and ur fiance should decide what u want . In the future its you who are going to show ur wedding pictures to your children neither ur nor his parents. If they demand so much tell them to hold their own wedding again and invite all their beloved people.
NTA
YOUR money
YOUR wedding
YOUR say!
If they want to have ANY input, they need to pony up the money towards that particular wedding category.
Be careful with this, however, if they fully fund a part of your wedding, don’t be surprised if they pull the “well, we’re paying for it” card
NTA at all. I got married in the South where things are pretty traditional. My wife’s parents covered most of the wedding, we kicked in a decent percentage ourselves to get the reception venue we wanted. My parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. My wife’s parents don’t drink so it was a dry wedding. We offered my parents to pay for wine and beer for the guests if they wanted. They had no problem with it being dry. There was a bar steps away from the venue some of my friends visited after the reception. I totally agree if you want to have a say you need to contribute.
Nope. If they are not contributing, then they are GUESTS and not HOSTS. Only the hosts get to make changes.
Nah fuck em
They want changes to YOUR venue and YOUR guest list for YOUR wedding? Tell them point blank no, and if they keep persisting tell them they’re uninvited.
NTA.
But I would’ve phrased it differently. Them contributing to the wedding financially still does not mean they get to dictate where how one and whom comes to your wedding.
When people get married, the wedding is the couples decision. If their parents want to contribute financially, this needs to be seen as a gift and once that gift is made, it is up to the couple how to spend that. If they believe that their financial contribution gives them the right to dictate the wedding then you should decline their contribution.
Your fiancé needs to be dealing with this. In any in-law conflict the person whose parents they are needs to deal with it. If your fiancé doesn’t handle Mom you should think twice about the marriage. It will never end. Do you want your MiL to be dictating where you live, how you decorate, what to name your children, etc.?
At first I thought you may have stood up for yourself in a rude way, but when you got called disrespectful I went right to your side.
NTA
P.S. – when parents are controlling, pay for it yourself. Don’t give them the power to dictate anything.
Even if they contribute to the wedding, they don’t get to dictate what your wedding plans are. So be careful about what you asked for. Do you really want somebody to start dictating your personal wedding just for a few thousand dollars?
Updateme!
What exactly is your fiance thought process?
Have you talked to him?
Tell them they disrespected you, but not letting you you left alone on your own wedding plan . They had their own wedding and I’m guarantee you. They probably didn’t have somebody so intrusive doing it to them so they should back down and mind their own business they’re disrespect came from them not you because you stood off yourself and just because you said no it’s not disrespect. It’s boundaries and they’re crossing it . Would they do that to anybody else in their family? I am guessing not so they need to stop doing it to you.
NTA. Not their wedding. You two do it like you want. Your fiancé must say, “We are doing it this way”. If you don’t stand up to a bully, you will have issues until stuff gets too much to handle.
At our wedding, we bankrolled everything. My wife and I had to sign a contract with the church for 1/2 of one large room for the reception and pay for its use. We had to provide a diagram of the layout to be approved (in case we asked for stuff they could not provide or safety issues ).
My wife is very detail-oriented, and she had a written diagram plan that showed exactly where she and I wanted everything.
While my bride was decorating the wedding cake, my friends and I decorated the chapel and reception area. (She had been teaching Wilton professional cake decoration as a paying hobby).
My future MIL started trying to change things, like rearranging tables and moving partitions to increase space (a violation of the agreement ).
I told her we were following the plan my bride and I had devised, and if she could not follow it, she could leave and not come to the wedding.
She shut up and did it like we wanted.
To this day, 32 years later, my MIL does not try to push us around. She and I have a good relationship because I primarily treat her with honor and love.
Do. Not for them that opening. Your wedding your choice if your fiancé doesn’t back you, you have bigger problems
My parents did contribute to my wedding. They got to submit a list of people they wanted to be invited. They got pictures of the venue and were informed of the menu. When they visited, they got to eat dinner at the venue and the venue let them see the banquet room (it was not being used that day).
There are only two people who’s opinion matter when it comes to a wedding. The people getting married. The appropriate response to any demands is “are you getting married? No? Then shut the fuck up”. That would be my response to my parents if they had the audacity to demand things like that about my wedding. Everyone should also fund their own weddings if you don’t want people butting into your day.
Probably shouldn’t have mentioned the pay part. Just calmly state thank you for the input, we have chosen to do X to celebrate our marriage instead.
Nope but your partner needs to manage them.
NTA, were you out of line, it depends on which side of the line one is standing on to say, don’t you agree? IMO, you handled it as it should have been handled. Making it clear that they don’t have any leverage since they are not paying. Knowing how to navigate people like this takes skill, you did good! There is a less abrasive way to do the same thing and it might be a better way to deal with these control freaks that are about to become a part of your life. Asking questions, the right ones usually stops people like this right where they are standing when they say stupid stuff. The best three are, why, explain and clarify. Why did they say / do, explain it bc you don’t understand the behavior, clarify vague answers that are given. This puts the responsibility for being accountable for the behavior of the person who said or did something that needs addressing, where it belongs, on the person that did the bad thing. It is a less aggressive way to call out bad behavior, it can be disguised as, trying to understand and resolve a miscommunication, as a way to not be accused of attacking or being mean. Asking questions is less accusatory than making statements. Statements can be argued, denied, deflected but questions usually get answered, if you keep pressing for answers.
I wouldn’t give them the option to pay for access. They’re going to give you $50 and then demand veto power over your dress. Your partner needs to be the one to handle this, and he needs to tell them to butt out. NTA.
NTA
YOUR wedding, your rules.
Please remember that the foundations of EVERYTHING are so important! On your wedding day you want peace. That might mean taking a gentle stand. It might mean trying to think about their perspective (still you AND fiance make the final decision). I think what so many people miss is that its not about me, myself, and I. It’s about honoring all people. BUT in that you still may have to bow out graciously.
I hope you and your guests all have a blast!!❤️
I wouldn’t let them contribute still
Demand is such a strong word. I think I would put them on an information diet. They can wait for their invitation.
It might be better to not accept money from them and then they have NO say in the plans. Once you accept funds, you’ll find a lot of strings attached to the money. Or you could remind them that whoever pays the piper calls the tune. I wish you luck!
Yes but not in the way you think.
Because now you’ve told them if they do contribute they do get a say and that’s not true either.
They started it!!!! They disrespected you, you call them on their BS, and they get upset? Too bad for them. You need to get your hubby in line.
NTA
NTA but your fiancé needs to be having this discussion with them, not you.
Nope. NTA. Even if they do contribute money to the event, they still don’t get a say and everything. It’s your wedding. And your fiancé should be handling his parents.
Nope. If they are not paying , they have no say. Watch how your husband to be handles it as it will show your future life.