My father-in-law Phil (65M) and I (38M) have never had any direct conflict before. We’re not super close, but my kids (Riley 6M, Jessie 11F) adore him. We get along OK, but he’s very opinionated and not shy about voicing those opinions. I always just smile and nod. Phil has PTSD and other issues from a life-threatening Navy injury he sustained about 22 years ago. He’s very up and down and gets into conflict with neighbors, contractors, etc. fairly regularly.
Riley plays soccer. He’s super into it, but it’s U7 recreational soccer. There’s a wide range of ability levels. It’s just about having fun; they don’t even keep score.
Coach Katie is a mother of 5 who volunteers, along with her teenage son. She’s not a soccer expert, practices aren’t the most organized, and she’s often just on time or a couple minutes late. But the kids have fun, and another dad and I usually get the team warmed up when she’s running late. (I would love to coach, but I know Riley will do better with another adult.)
There’s a dad who complains regularly about Coach but never lifts a finger to help with practice. My wife and I find his conduct really inappropriate, so it’s come up in conversation, including with Phil, who’s expressed agreement with us.
Phil was at Riley’s game this weekend. Only the 2nd game he’s been to this season. We were playing a team that was very good, so we weren’t “winning” and Riley was struggling more than usual. As it went on, Phil was getting more frustrated. At one point, he said “this is torture” and walked away for a few. Started complaining to me more and more. Not yelling or being belligerent. But talking openly on the sideline among families. Complaining about the kids on the team who weren’t playing hard enough (said multiple times “they’re playing 3 on 4”), about how Coach Katie wasn’t doing enough coaching compared to the other coach, how she wasn’t hustling enough herself, etc. I repeatedly explained calmly that this is just rec soccer and Coach is just a volunteer. I finally lost my cool a little bit and told him that he was “acting like that a-hole dad”.
That set him off. He stormed off. My daughter Jessie followed him. He told her that I was no longer his family, that he was never coming to another game, along with a good amount of profanity. At the house, I asked if we could talk. He told me to “save my f-ing breath”. He drove home. I texted to apologize and to offer to talk when he was ready. He replied “NEVER”.
That afternoon, he was supposed to come with us to watch Jessie’s first horse riding show (she’s been riding about a year). He was MIA.
My wife was very angry with both me and Phil. She told me that I should have just bit my tongue, knowing who I was talking to. I feel awful about ruining the day and very possibly my relationship with my in-laws. I didn’t choose my words wisely in that one moment, but I also don’t feel like I was in the wrong otherwise, and I tried to be the bigger person. Am I the asshole?
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My father-in-law Phil (65M) and I (38M) have never had any direct conflict before. We’re not super close, but my kids (Riley 6M, Jessie 11F) adore him. We get along OK, but he’s very opinionated and not shy about voicing those opinions. I always just smile and nod. Phil has PTSD and other issues from a life-threatening Navy injury he sustained about 22 years ago. He’s very up and down and gets into conflict with neighbors, contractors, etc. fairly regularly.
Riley plays soccer. He’s super into it, but it’s U7 recreational soccer. There’s a wide range of ability levels. It’s just about having fun; they don’t even keep score.
Coach Katie is a mother of 5 who volunteers, along with her teenage son. She’s not a soccer expert, practices aren’t the most organized, and she’s often just on time or a couple minutes late. But the kids have fun, and another dad and I usually get the team warmed up when she’s running late. (I would love to coach, but I know Riley will do better with another adult.)
There’s a dad who complains regularly about Coach but never lifts a finger to help with practice. My wife and I find his conduct really inappropriate, so it’s come up in conversation, including with Phil, who’s expressed agreement with us.
Phil was at Riley’s game this weekend. Only the 2nd game he’s been to this season. We were playing a team that was very good, so we weren’t “winning” and Riley was struggling more than usual. As it went on, Phil was getting more frustrated. At one point, he said “this is torture” and walked away for a few. Started complaining to me more and more. Not yelling or being belligerent. But talking openly on the sideline among families. Complaining about the kids on the team who weren’t playing hard enough (said multiple times “they’re playing 3 on 4”), about how Coach Katie wasn’t doing enough coaching compared to the other coach, how she wasn’t hustling enough herself, etc. I repeatedly explained calmly that this is just rec soccer and Coach is just a volunteer. I finally lost my cool a little bit and told him that he was “acting like that a-hole dad”.
That set him off. He stormed off. My daughter Jessie followed him. He told her that I was no longer his family, that he was never coming to another game, along with a good amount of profanity. At the house, I asked if we could talk. He told me to “save my f-ing breath”. He drove home. I texted to apologize and to offer to talk when he was ready. He replied “NEVER”.
That afternoon, he was supposed to come with us to watch Jessie’s first horse riding show (she’s been riding about a year). He was MIA.
My wife was very angry with both me and Phil. She told me that I should have just bit my tongue, knowing who I was talking to. I feel awful about ruining the day and very possibly my relationship with my in-laws. I didn’t choose my words wisely in that one moment, but I also don’t feel like I was in the wrong otherwise, and I tried to be the bigger person. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my FIL that he was acting like an asshole for complaining about my son’s soccer coach and kids on the team, knowing that he has mental health issues. I caused him to flip out, instead of holding my tongue, and it affected my family because he bailed on the rest of the game and my daughter’s competition later that day.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. You for poking the bear. Him for not accepting apologies and being unreasonable and punishing his other grandchild
No, you’re NTA. and quit apologizing.
NTA. He’s old enough to know better jesus what an insufferable man
NTA. You spoke the truth, even if it was a bit harsh. Everyone in his family enables his belligerent behavior and gives him a perpetual pass because he has PTSD. PTSD is not carte blanche to be an a-hole. Your wife should realize this and support you, her husband, not just because you are her husband but also because her dad is a bully. She needs to set some boundaries with her dad and not tolerate bad behavior when he’s around her family.
NTA. I used to be a nightmare parent taking things too seriously on the sideline of my kids sports events and its not fun for anyone to be around, even if you’re not being loud enough for the players/coach/ref to hear you. The point is to have fun at that age and nobody needs to take anything seriously. Parents should just be there for support but grandparents especially should just be there to watch and then say “good job” after the game no matter what. If he wants to cool down and attend again, now he knows what behavior is expected.
You’re NTA. Unless the individual suffers from the less than 10% of people with Tourette’s – no one has an excuse to swear like that (never mind with anger)around children – his response is the issue. Yes, it may trigger him to be confronted in front of people (that’s where you might have changed tactics) this does not excuse his obnoxious behaviour. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad person – he’s acting poorly. He needs to adjust his actions or stay MIA for some events. When speaking to your in-laws if you keep the focus on the behaviour during that particular instance being inappropriate (rather than what he was doing or being)- maybe that will help? At the same time tell him that you were feeling intense during the interaction and could have phrased things better (?).
NTA men like your fil get away with being horrible humans because everyone is too scared to call them out. Stop apologising and reaching out. He was in the wrong.
NTA, sometimes the truth needs to be said. It’s not fault your father-in-law was acting like a jerk. If he chooses not to attend his grandkids’ activities, that’s his loss, not yours.
NTA but here’s the thing
“ Phil has PTSD and other issues from a life-threatening Navy injury he sustained about 22 years ago. He’s very up and down and gets into conflict with neighbors, contractors, etc. fairly regularly.”
You are dealing with someone who has an extremely limited to no ability to regulate his emotions. I think you need to realize this is never going to be about right or wrong, but about figuring out how to manage your lives to mitigate his negative impacts on you. Your wife needs to get onboard. It’s no doubt harder for her to see bc that’s her father and she’s very used to his lack of emotional control. But I think you need to start at finding consensus that her dad’s behavior is unacceptable and then ask what you want to do next as a family. You know he’s not a good presence for the kids. You’re not an asshole this time but you know this is just one incident out of a lifetime where you’re gonna have to be confident in your assessment that your FIL is wildly wrong in order to advocate for yourself and your kids.
Time for “Phil” to move on and stop STINKIN UP THE WORLD AROUND HIM! Nothing to share but his misery and spite.
I don’t really understand what his PTSD has to do with this, it was a kids soccer game. NTA and your FIL definitely is for such an overreaction
You crossed a line calling him an asshole, even if it was accurate. BUT, Phil is an adult with full knowledge of his own PTSD condition and also what is acceptable and unacceptable social behavior. He needs — and KNOWS that he needs — to recognize his reactions and control his behavior.