I am 31M and my friend is 32M. We have been close for years and whenever we go out he sometimes crashes at my place since I live closer. At first I didnt care because it was just if we stayed out late on a friday or sunday night, he would crash on the couch and leave in the morning. No big deal.
But lately its like he thinks my place is his. One time he stayed over on a sunday night, left for work the next morning and then just showed up again that evening with his bag like it was normal to stay another night. He didnt even ask, he just said my place was closer to his work so it made sense.
It is not only that. He leaves dirty dishes in the sink, eats food from my fridge and never replaces it, and sometimes stays more than one night without asking. I hate coming back home and he is already waiting by my door like he lives here. Other times I am already inside and he just shows up with his bag ready to stay the night, like it is automatically fine with me. He makes himself very comfortable on the couch which I really do not mind, he so much acts like it is his own living room.
Yesterday, I told him he can’t keep crashing here whenever he feels like it. If he wants to stay over he has to ask me first and keep it occasional. He took offense with that and he said he thought we were friends, that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. he’s already been cold with me, holding a grudge. I even heard from one of our friends that he’s been making little comments about how I am selfish.
I dont think I was harsh. I never agreed to having a part time roommate. But now I am wondering if I went too far because of how angry he got.
AITA for setting this boundary with him?
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I am 31M and my friend is 32M. We have been close for years and whenever we go out he sometimes crashes at my place since I live closer. At first I didnt care because it was just if we stayed out late on a friday or sunday night, he would crash on the couch and leave in the morning. No big deal.
But lately its like he thinks my place is his. One time he stayed over on a sunday night, left for work the next morning and then just showed up again that evening with his bag like it was normal to stay another night. He didnt even ask, he just said my place was closer to his work so it made sense.
It is not only that. He leaves dirty dishes in the sink, eats food from my fridge and never replaces it, and sometimes stays more than one night without asking. I hate coming back home and he is already waiting by my door like he lives here. Other times I am already inside and he just shows up with his bag ready to stay the night, like it is automatically fine with me. He makes himself very comfortable on the couch which I really do not mind, he so much acts like it is his own living room.
Yesterday, I told him he can’t keep crashing here whenever he feels like it. If he wants to stay over he has to ask me first and keep it occasional. He took offense with that and he said he thought we were friends, that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. he’s already been cold with me, holding a grudge. I even heard from one of our friends that he’s been making little comments about how I am selfish.
I dont think I was harsh. I never agreed to having a part time roommate. But now I am wondering if I went too far because of how angry he got.
AITA for setting this boundary with him?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my friend he can’t keep treating my apartment like his second home and that he needs to ask before staying over. I might be the asshole because that could come across as selfish or ungrateful since he sees it as normal between friends, and it made him feel like I was rejecting the friendship
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, does your friend pay rent anywhere? You’re not a maid service, guest house, or shelter. It’s not your place to bear the burden of an extra guest that contributes nothing to the household. That’s not friendship, no matter how much he gaslights you.
NTA. I can understand how your friend could be offended, but ultimately it’s your apartment and your space. You have every right to set boundaries, especially if he’s taking your food without replacing it and leaving dirty dishes in the sink. It’s like you said, you never agreed to having a part-time roommate, you only asked him to ask you ahead of time
NTA – My best friends would not do what he does. He’s using you and trying to make you out to be a bad friend exactly so you feel guilty. Don’t fall for it!
That being said, you’ve got to draw a line in the sand about how often he can stay over – Late night out? Sure, he can spend THE ONE NIGHT. That’s it. And tell him he needs to be a nicer guest by cleaning up after himself. Friends don’t take advantage of another friend’s hospitality.
NTA your friend sounds like a freeloader. Rent and utilities aren’t free and if he’s staying multiple times a week that’s definitely enough to see a difference in utility bills. Sounds like he’s gaslighting you by saying I thought we were friends. I’d reconsider what kind of friend you have.
NTA. This person doesn’t like the fact that you are, very rightly, calling them out for being a freeloader. They are taking advantage of you. People will only use you as a doormat to the extent that you allow it. It sounds like maybe you are a bit of a people pleaser. You need to stop being that. If this person has a key, get your locks changed. If they turn up, don’t let them in. If they try to follow you home after a night out, don’t let them in, shut and lock the door in their face. They will get the message.
You’re NTA. People always get pissy when you stop letting them take advantage of you.
Let him hold the grudge. He’s taking advantage of you. He’s not really your friend.
NTA
He’s taking advantage of you – in multiple ways.
That means he isn’t your friend, and he certainly isn’t “close”.
You owe him nothing.
You are completely NTA.
ps> If this makes him walk away, then you know that he stopped being your friend long ago.
If you let this kind of behavior continue he will soon be living there and refusing to leave. NTA but take action now and dont hold back