I don’t have any children of my own but one of my best girlfriend had a son of her own and adopted her niece at birth 17 years ago even as a young mom. My friend did a great job raising her children, and at some points worked 3 jobs for ensured her children got everything they could ask for (which includes buying each of them a PS5 for they wouldn’t have to share) I have always applauded her for spoiling her kids and providing a luxury of life for them all on her own.
Now here is when things got sour. Her adopted daughter fell off the handles and stole her car and purse which she didn’t have a licence to drive. She didn’t call the police on her and which I get it, you don’t want to get your child arrested. Her daughter ended up leaving to live with her biological mom, my friend’s sister. While in her care she had no rules, never went to school and ended up pregnant. We all gathered around to help in any way we could for this baby.
My friend even threw a massive baby shower and we all put a lot of effort into making it fun. Well my friend’s daughter showed up but spend most of the party outside passing joints around. Then when she was back at the party didn’t appreciate all of the people who helped put on the baby shower but made a big speech thanking her mom, her biological mom, while referring to my friend, the one who raised her as her first name. It was terrible to see my friend treated awful but my friend still continued to provide everything to her daughter and bought two of everything so the baby would have everything at my friends house and at baby’s home.
The baby arrived and everything was sugar sweet. My friend was by her daughter’s side to help with the baby and was back to being referred as “mom” by her daughter. It was nice for a month.
When the baby was a month old, my friend’s daughter was already trying to pawn off the baby to go back to partying and getting into trouble. How do I know this, she moved into my mom’s neighbourhood and also was posting to her Snapchat not realizing I wasn’t blocked from seeing it. I mentioned it to my friend and she was living in denial. It got to the point where the daughter was posting airing out her baby daddy drama to the internet and asking for drugs, parties, and even posted that her friends called a bomb threat to a school and mall laughing about it. I at that point removed her from my social media.
Here is where I may be the asshole. My friend wanted to throw her daughter a big party to celebrate her 18th birthday. Talking about themes and gifts and wanting to make it very elaborate. I thought about what I wanted to say and settled on advising I wasn’t going to come because I couldn’t stomach watching her daughter disrespect her and that I really can’t stand being around her after how she’s been acting. I wished her a great party and hoped her daughter appreciated her throwing her a party. My friend hasn’t spoken to me now in two months which makes me think I Am The Asshole.
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I don’t have any children of my own but one of my best girlfriend had a son of her own and adopted her niece at birth 17 years ago even as a young mom. My friend did a great job raising her children, and at some points worked 3 jobs for ensured her children got everything they could ask for (which includes buying each of them a PS5 for they wouldn’t have to share) I have always applauded her for spoiling her kids and providing a luxury of life for them all on her own.
Now here is when things got sour. Her adopted daughter fell off the handles and stole her car and purse which she didn’t have a licence to drive. She didn’t call the police on her and which I get it, you don’t want to get your child arrested. Her daughter ended up leaving to live with her biological mom, my friend’s sister. While in her care she had no rules, never went to school and ended up pregnant. We all gathered around to help in any way we could for this baby.
My friend even threw a massive baby shower and we all put a lot of effort into making it fun. Well my friend’s daughter showed up but spend most of the party outside passing joints around. Then when she was back at the party didn’t appreciate all of the people who helped put on the baby shower but made a big speech thanking her mom, her biological mom, while referring to my friend, the one who raised her as her first name. It was terrible to see my friend treated awful but my friend still continued to provide everything to her daughter and bought two of everything so the baby would have everything at my friends house and at baby’s home.
The baby arrived and everything was sugar sweet. My friend was by her daughter’s side to help with the baby and was back to being referred as “mom” by her daughter. It was nice for a month.
When the baby was a month old, my friend’s daughter was already trying to pawn off the baby to go back to partying and getting into trouble. How do I know this, she moved into my mom’s neighbourhood and also was posting to her Snapchat not realizing I wasn’t blocked from seeing it. I mentioned it to my friend and she was living in denial. It got to the point where the daughter was posting airing out her baby daddy drama to the internet and asking for drugs, parties, and even posted that her friends called a bomb threat to a school and mall laughing about it. I at that point removed her from my social media.
Here is where I may be the asshole. My friend wanted to throw her daughter a big party to celebrate her 18th birthday. Talking about themes and gifts and wanting to make it very elaborate. I thought about what I wanted to say and settled on advising I wasn’t going to come because I couldn’t stomach watching her daughter disrespect her and that I really can’t stand being around her after how she’s been acting. I wished her a great party and hoped her daughter appreciated her throwing her a party. My friend hasn’t spoken to me now in two months which makes me think I Am The Asshole.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my friend I can’t stand her daughter which could be too mean
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA: Tell your friend that you are here for her, but you can’t support her daughter. Then, be there for her when her daughter eventually leaves her with the baby.
It’s painful to watch and it won’t get better. Don’t beat yourself up.
Your friend is deluding herself. I understand that you cannot stand the daughter who is sponging off her mom, treating her badly.
Definitely not the AH. You set a boundary and can live from afar. If she doesn’t want to talk and that’s the rift that sets you both on different paths, so be it. I hate watching entitled people wear out and act crappy towards people going out of their way for them to feel some type of way.
NTA
NTA.
Everything the daughter is doing will eventually come to light. It may take a while but your friend will see through the daughter’s act and figure it out.
In hindsight she’s going to feel bad for not believing you.
Just let her know you’re there for her and that your door is open.
She’s not ready to hear the truth, so she’s angry with you. She may not speak to you again for years, until she’s ready to deal with the hurt and pain.
Based on the title I ready to say y t a but after reading definitely NTA. Your friend will come crying back to you soon enough. Do not give her a I told you so attitude, just be there for her. What a sad situation for your friend and the baby.
NTA I’m sorry this is happening to your friend and your friendship. You seem like a really nice person and a good friend for trying to make her see the light. Hang in there, hopefully in time she comes around.
Your absolutely NTA and you are not wrong but as a parent that is a hard thing to hear about your child and as a young mom myself I can only imagine how your friend feels after everything she went through to ensure that her kids had a great life. As unfortunate as it is your friend is going to have to come to this realization on her own.
INFO: How did that conversation go where you told your friend how you feel about her daughter? Was this said in person or via text?
A little bit. She obviously loves her daughter very much to continue giving her the world without gratitude. Telling her that you won’t be able to make the party should’ve been all that you shared. I’m on the fence about telling her how it hurts to see her being treated so poorly. Part of me says it was fine to say. The other part says you should’ve kept it to yourself. Where you went wrong is telling her that you can’t stomach her daughter and can’t stand to be around her. That’s a low blow. A loving parent isn’t going to hear that and let it slide. You owe your friend a sincere apology.
NTA. You have the right to not support the behavior of the child. Your friend may get there. She may end up raising the baby. Hopefully you can be there to support your friend.
Wax xzeeca szi
NTA. Your friend is being used/abused by this young woman. She is enabling her “daughter” rather than correcting her horrible behavior. Sounds like she has spent years enabling her and you see what that gets you. The girl 🧒 is totally disrespecting her and I’m having none of it! Did she officially adopt her with a judge, changing birth certificate, etc? Or did she “adopt” her? If it was official in front of a state judge, the birth mother had no legal right to be housing this child. In fact, the adoptive mom could have pressed charges.
NTA. She is enabling dangerous behaviors and living in denial. Deep down she knows you are right
I agree with @LynnLizzy79
NTA, but you have to realize by saying something so powerful in a situation like this, you have to be ready for the blow back. you can’t criticize someone’s family, no matter how bad they are, and have zero risk that this blows up.
by choosing to say what you said, you are always putting yourself into a friend losing situation. but that’s your choice. is it more important to say your thoughts or is the friendship more important
YTA. Whatever happened that your friend hasn’t spoken to you in two months, you either made the wrong choice or you said it the wrong way. But yeah sometimes you need to be the ahole if you can no longer tolerate a particular person or circumstance, so no judgment. Just be aware that’s a REALLY big deal to not be there for your friend through the shitty teenage drama. Sticking with your friend when they are parenting difficult children is pretty important. So if you choose not to it’s reasonable to expect that won’t be your friend anymore. Friends should be faithful through bad times (like horrible daughters), not just through the good times imo.
NTA at all your friend is being abused and thinks that by throwing money at her daughter and not telling her daughter that this behavior needs to stop. She’s enabling this awful behavior and before you know they’ll be another baby for your friend to raise.
NTA
Youre a good friend. Sometimes people just aren’t ready, can’t/wont accept the reality of a situation. It hurts too much.
Friendships are like every other relationship. Sometimes you’ve got to take a step back.
My bff and I have been friends for over 50 years. We don’t always agree and, we have “separated” (never divorced the friendship lol) a couple of times. Basically over something similar (she’s a hardcore people pleaser). We give each other space.
Just be supportive when the shite hits the fan, without “I told you so”.
She’s enabling her daughter, and if you didn’t say anything, you’re cosigning/enabling that codependency. You didn’t call her daughter degrading names. You explicitly labeled her behavior and described how it made you feel to see your friend be hurt by it. That was an intervention. You were being a good friend.
Bad friends let you get hurt because they don’t want to take the risks of telling the uncomfortable truth. They are cowards. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
You both are…
There are things we tolerate when people matter enough to us, and that’s ok as long as it doesn’t hurt us. I call it the price we pay to have them in our lives. If your friend’s daughter isn’t a price.youre willing to pay, that’s a valid choice, but you have to accept losing the friendship over it.