For some context, my friend is on the spectrum and dating has been pretty hard on her because she attracts partners that aren’t the best people. She also tends to hyper-fixate on possible partners that are terrible communicators and it’s very hard for her to just take them as they are and move on, and instead puts all the blame on herself. A lot of the times that she calls she speaks to me about guy trouble and today was yet another call where she was being breadcrumbed and couldn’t understand why the guy wouldn’t communicate with her. I’m not gonna lie, she was in a really rough spot. She was crying and kept beating herself down and berating herself because she messaged him after he was being distant and she kept saying how she just wants to be worthy of love. I tried to tell her that the guy isn’t worth her time and to just move forward, and that she shouldn’t measure her worth on the kind of romantic love a possible partner could give her but rather with the love she can find within herself.
She then she asked me what I was doing today and I said that after gym and work I had plans to go out dancing as well as to meet up with someone I was interested in, and she then suggested if she could tag along. I said that it probably wasn’t the best idea because it would be an environment with alcohol and strangers and, since I cared about her, I didn’t want to go out worrying for her safety. I then suggested if she would like to meet up tomorrow instead for some coffee and she agreed at first, but then said if I could cancel plans for tonight and instead go over to her place and watch movies. I declined since I already made those plans, and she proceeded to tell me “Oh, so you DON’T want to hang out with me?”. I then reminded her that we just made plans to meet up tomorrow instead, and she replied with “No, it’s ok. I have school and you have work” even though we agreed to meet up at a time where she was out of class and before I had to go to work. I then told her that I didn’t appreciate being guilt-tripped, and she exclaimed that she wasn’t guilt-tripping and that she just wanted to hang up and talk to someone else. I then said “Alright, bye” and hung up the call just as she also said the same thing.
I care about my friend, but she’s not exactly in the best mental state right now and I know that if she went out with me she would just be getting drunk and putting herself in an even tougher spot from which I would have to act as a babysitter and take care of her. Which is why I suggested an activity that would be a bit less chaotic and one that really allowed us to talk. But I still feel bad for saying no to hanging out tonight. Am I the asshole here?
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For some context, my friend is on the spectrum and dating has been pretty hard on her because she attracts partners that aren’t the best people. She also tends to hyper-fixate on possible partners that are terrible communicators and it’s very hard for her to just take them as they are and move on, and instead puts all the blame on herself. A lot of the times that she calls she speaks to me about guy trouble and today was yet another call where she was being breadcrumbed and couldn’t understand why the guy wouldn’t communicate with her. I’m not gonna lie, she was in a really rough spot. She was crying and kept beating herself down and berating herself because she messaged him after he was being distant and she kept saying how she just wants to be worthy of love. I tried to tell her that the guy isn’t worth her time and to just move forward, and that she shouldn’t measure her worth on the kind of romantic love a possible partner could give her but rather with the love she can find within herself.
She then she asked me what I was doing today and I said that after gym and work I had plans to go out dancing as well as to meet up with someone I was interested in, and she then suggested if she could tag along. I said that it probably wasn’t the best idea because it would be an environment with alcohol and strangers and, since I cared about her, I didn’t want to go out worrying for her safety. I then suggested if she would like to meet up tomorrow instead for some coffee and she agreed at first, but then said if I could cancel plans for tonight and instead go over to her place and watch movies. I declined since I already made those plans, and she proceeded to tell me “Oh, so you DON’T want to hang out with me?”. I then reminded her that we just made plans to meet up tomorrow instead, and she replied with “No, it’s ok. I have school and you have work” even though we agreed to meet up at a time where she was out of class and before I had to go to work. I then told her that I didn’t appreciate being guilt-tripped, and she exclaimed that she wasn’t guilt-tripping and that she just wanted to hang up and talk to someone else. I then said “Alright, bye” and hung up the call just as she also said the same thing.
I care about my friend, but she’s not exactly in the best mental state right now and I know that if she went out with me she would just be getting drunk and putting herself in an even tougher spot from which I would have to act as a babysitter and take care of her. Which is why I suggested an activity that would be a bit less chaotic and one that really allowed us to talk. But I still feel bad for saying no to hanging out tonight. Am I the asshole here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) I refused to cancel my plans for tonight in order to instead hang out with a friend who has constant guy trouble, even though I suggested alternative plans.
2.) It might come off as me not being there for my friend when she needs me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You’re allowed to say no, if she can’t or doesn’t understand or like it, it’s not your fault.
NTA as much as she may want you to cancel plans to hangout with her, you already had plans before she called. I think she just took it hard and as rejection when it wasn’t due to her mental state.
NTA – you’re allowed to have plans and boundaries.
YTA. You’ve allowed your concern and knowledge of your friends need to shift from fraternal to parental role. Its coming from a good place but you can not stop your friend from making decisions that are “bad”.
She wants to entertain a guy she shouldn’t, on her. She wants to be around strangers and alcholol, on her. You ain’t your sister’s keeper, you are her friend. If she wants chaos, shes entitled to it.
Now, if you don’t want her chaos, you gotta say that and if she resents you for it, thats the nature of your friendship.
NTA. You can’t be her only support system, she should have others. If she doesn’t, its still not on you to be there every time. I, personally, would make sure she has -someone- to hang out with tonight because I’m seeing a lot of red flag behavior that would make me concerned she could hurt herself. But that isn’t on you and is just me being extra because I’ve been in those rough spots before. The guilt-trip is what makes her the AH. You don’t owe her your time. I understand the reason you came her looking for support – but its definitely not on you to be there in person every time.
NTA. You handled this really well and enforced reasonable boundaries in a kind way. It’s not your fault that she kept pushing and was only thinking about herself without any consideration for you.
NTA.
You really do have cemented, pre-made plans. You’re not just looking for an excuse to get out of seeing your friend, so don’t beat yourself up.
And you cannot drop things every time she feels down and wants to see you.
After she’s had time to calm down and realize you’ve set a gentle boundary, text or call to meet up for the original coffee plans as a reminder that you are not dismissing her and that she has a place in your life.
But not all the places.
NTA. You offered an alternate plan for hanging out tomorrow – not some far future hypothetical, but a concrete plan for the very next day. And she initially even agreed.
Then she decided you should drop your pre-existing plans to hang out with her immediately instead. That’s garbage. She was in her feelings about this guy and transferred some of that to you – her reactions weren’t about you at all. That was unfair and unreasonable of her, and I hope she recognizes that and apologizes later.
Being autistic myself, I think you handled this perfectly.
NTA it sounds like she attracts and/or causes a lot of drama and expects you to be on call for the fallout. If this weren’t such a frequent thing for her, I’d probably make time for her, but that’s not the case here. I think offering to meet up the next day is reasonable.
NTA, i find your friend really self centered. Who asks someone to cancel their plans when you’re going to meet each other tomorrow anyways? If this is how she treats friends , she may be the reason herself why all her relationships dont work out.
NTA. You already had plans, were honest, and offered to hang the next day.
NTA. Also if this is how she behaves when things don’t go her way, it may be why she has difficulty maintaining a relationship.
Your friend needs therapy. She’s sounding very emotionally immature and likely isn’t going to find a good relationship because of it.
NTA. You’d made commitments to others, and would have been TA if you cancelled on them except in a dire emergency. As distressed as your friend was her situation doesn’t count as that.