To set the timeline, we found out 8 years ago that one of our couple besties (55m & 50f) had stage 4 breast cancer. There are 3 couples in the group and we are all really close. For privacy sake, I’ll name them Joe and Mary. Their daughter was only 5 at the time Mary was diagnosed and Mary beat the odds for a long time however cancer is a thief and we lost her this past Jan. Their daughter (Sara) is besties with our daughter so we have been right there with her to help heal, remember and love up on her. Mary asked for a small intimate service this spring to spread her ashes and celebrate her life. Joe refuses to do anything or even talk about Mary. He claims that bringing it up keeps tearing off the bandaid and Sara can’t heal. Of course I don’t agree, I feel that we should talk about Mary and celebrate her life all the time so that Sara knows she is not forgotten. Joe didn’t recognize Mary’s birthday in May and two months ago Joe brought a female friend around at our daughter’s bday party and as you can imagine his now 12 year old lost it. The last several weekend Joe has let the daughter stay home while he brings his new girlfriend to our couples events. Then this last weekend he ditched his daughter on her bday so he could spend the weekend with his new girlfriend. He only spent 1.5 hours with Sara on the day before her 13th bday and stayed with his new girlfriend the whole weekend, totally ignoring Sara. So I lost my shit and gave him a piece of my mind and told him that he is one of the most self centered, pos that I have ever seen and can’t believe that he would ignore his 13 year old daughter on her bday weekend so he could spend the whole weekend with his new girlfriend. So am I too close to this? Am I seeing it wrong? Does he have the right to move on so quickly or is he the axxhole for bring the new girl around and expecting his daughter to get on board with it? And as his friend should we call him out on it or let it go?
AITA for telling my friend that it’s too soon to date another person after his wife died from breast cancer?
r/AITAH
Comments
Well this is speedrunning an end to your friendship.
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so I agree he’s an ass for how he’s handling dating and his daughter, but im not going to call him an ass for moving on at a speed that felt right for him. His wife had been dying for 8 years, thats a loooong time, that’s 96 months, 416 weeks, or almost 3,000 days. That’s a lot of time to come to terms and grieve the loss of his wife. That’s a lot of time for the two of them to have private conversations about what the rest of his life should/could look like.
So yea… I agree he’s doing basically everything wrong by his daughter- but I don’t think the new partner is the problem.
I hope he and his daughter are both in therapy
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YTA.
YTA as you are putting an end to the friendship with your behavior. Your actions are likely going to make things worse for Sara if the friendship is disrupted.
NTA. I’m glad someone is standing up for his daughter. Your friendship might end but there’s no one fighting for that girl. Him barely celebrating her birthday is a much bigger problem than him dating
When I child suffers because the adults are making decisions that cause emotional and mental harm then it is everyone’s responsibility to say and do something.
He is allowed to live his life yes but he is responsible for a child.
She should be the priority & that’s clearly not the case.
He is choosing his own ‘well-being’ over his daughters.
You’re top close to the situation, right or wrong it’s his situation and he’s dealing with it his way even if you and friends think his way is wrong.
Unless You’re 100 percent ready willing and able to adopt this man’s daughter to give her the most happiest life you think she deserves I would recommend just biting your tongue and staying out of the situation nothing good can come out of you or anyone asking this guy not to date around. You’ll only end up alienating them in the end so cut your ties now and dump them as your friends or bite your tongue and mind your business.
ESH. Everyone grieves differently. And as good of friends as you are, you don’t know what they talked behind closed doors. Maybe she encouraged him to date again soon.
My biggest worry is his daughter. She needs her dad to be there to help her grieve and he’s not letting himself. It’s not really that unusual, especially for men. Grief is a weird thing and guys are often told to keep their feelings to themselves.
He should not have deserted her on her birthday or her mother’s birthday. But you shouldn’t have yelled at him and called him selfish.
I get that you’re grieving too. I think that’s being ignored. You lost your friend and you want everyone else to hurt the way you hurt. And that’s totally understandable. Grief is weird and different for everyone and you can’t tell someone what the right way to grieve is.
Maybe ask your husband to go out one on one and see if he opens up more that way.
I’d also apologize. You really shouldn’t have yelled at him. You can honor his wife by keeping an eye out on her daughter and being supportive when she needs it. Don’t burn bridges with him, because if he continues ignoring his grief, she may need you and your daughter more.
ESH except for poor Sara.
Am I correct in understanding that Mary’s wishes were that when she passed, there would be a small celebration of life, and Joe refused to do it? If so, that’s a total dick move on his part. Sara DEFINITELY need to have that.
It’s also a dick move for him to be bringing a new partner around his kid this soon, and for ditching his kid to go spend time with the new partner. IMHO, if he feels ready to date, he should be dating, but he should take it slow, and spend the first year post Mary’s death supporting Sara in the grieving process, which means family and individual therapy, not doing what he’s doing, which is basically bottling up all of his own feelings and sticking his head in the sand.
That said, I’m going to say a gentle YTA for losing your shit on him. Yes, you 100% are right to advocate for Sara, but you don’t get to dictate his timeline for moving on. I imagine Mary had conversations over the 8 years she was ill expressing that she hoped he’d find love again.
I would apologize to him for losing my shit, but not apologize for advocating for Sara. She deserves WAY better, and no grief counselor would co-sign his belief that it’s better to never say Mary’s name, talk about her, or refuse to hold a celebration of life so that her friends and family could all come together to grieve and remember her together. That is a really important ritual, and it’s f–d up that he’s refused to do it. Guess what dude: grief does hurt, and it sucks to see your kid hurt, and it’s vulnerable for you to show grief. Tough shit. Do it anyway.
He is the AH for the treatment of his daughter. It might end your friendship, but too many people stand by and say nothing. That poor girl!
YTA. It’s too soon for you, but it’s clearly not for him. And because it’s his life, he preferences takes precedence.
YTA
A huge one at that. It’s not your family. You don’t get to decide how the family grieves. You’re too emotional. As a man, it’s our duty to tell another man how it is. We don’t have to sugarcoat it. However, you sound like a petulant teenager.
YTA
What is all boils down to is this: You’re just “a friend”. Not family.
You’re not seeing it wrong in terms of his being a father. This really sucks for his daughter. I can’t imagine. But he’s not your husband and she’s not your daughter.
Your question “Does he have the right to move on so quickly?” is a fucking joke and a half. Who the hell are you to question what someone else has the right to do? You weren’t there in his house behind closed doors during all the years of the cancer. You think you know. But no one really knows what goes on between a couple when it’s just the two of them.
I think it’s totally fair for you to get pissed and tell him off for what a POS he is for not spending time with his daughter on her birthday (especially because he showed up at yours with his new girl). But that’s where it needs to end. And probably the friendship too. It’s their life, not yours. You were besties…then she died and he moved on and you’re trying to hold onto a past that isn’t there.
ESH. It’s not your place to scold / berate him. I agree he’s being a bad father right now. What you did will likely push him away, and that will affect the daughter. Everyone deals with grief differently. I’d concentrate on being there for the daughter. He may later regret his decisions, but that’s on him.
NTA
Someone who moves on that quickly didn’t lose a person he loved. He viewed his lost spouse as a bangmaid and needs a replacement ASAP
He is the AH for the way he is treating his poor daughter. As for the sole fact of him not wanting to discuss his late wife and the pace he is moving on at, I don’t feel like I can make a judgment.
So, he has a right to move on as quickly or as slowly as he wants… that’s his prerogative.
However he doesn’t have the right to ignore and neglect his daughter in order to move on. He’s hurting her more in her time of need and that’s not okay. Speaking up for her is a good thing. I think she needs to be able to tell him how he’s making her feel without his new woman around.
I think he’s still grieving and that’s why he’s saying not to talk about her or bring her up… and playing around with a girlfriend so quickly.
NTA
He is neglecting his daughter because he has moved on. He has the right to move on however quickly, he does not have the right to hurt a child that lost their mother.
Esh- Listen, a bunch of people are telling you that you’re risking losing your friendship. That’s true. But That’s not the important thing here what you need to do is find a way to stay in contact with Sara. So from now on every time, he fails to put his daughter first you start putting her first. Do not say anything to him anymore. Do not chastise him anymore. You were going to lose contact with Sara if you do not start doing stuff to make his life easier.
Call CPS on him
YTA – Never tell someone how they should grieve, because that’s what this is, grief and every single one of us handles it differently. I feel awful for the daughter but again, who knows if and when we’ll ever be in similar shoes and how would it feel for someone that “cares” for us, directs us how to grieve properly in their eyes.
NTA. Unfortunately, this is a tale as old as time. A widower, desperately lonely following the death of his spouse, introduces his grieving child to a new partner within months of her mother’s death.
He may be lonely, but so long as he has a minor child, his child’s needs come first. Ask anyone who lost a parent as a child only to have their surviving parent bring home a new partner while they were still grieving, and I can guarantee that they are estranged from their surviving parent.
A child grieving the death of one parent needs their surviving parent more, not less. And the absolute last thing they need is a replacement in the form of a parent’s new partner or spouse. I don’t know a single person who has ever gotten over the trauma this caused them, even fifty years later.
Explain to your friend that anything he is suffering, his child is suffering a thousand times worse. And that if he insists upon bringing a new partner into his child’s life before she has had time to grieve her mother’s death in full, his child will never accept his partner, and he will lose his child forever, as well as any relationship with her children when she has them.
He can date whenever he feels safe to do so that’s his decision to make. However his treatment of his daughter does need to be called out. But something to consider is sadly this. Some people when they lose someone don’t want any reminders of that person because it’s too painful. Some people surround themselves with things reminding them of their loved one. I’m wondering if he’s subconsciously rejecting his daughter because his daughter reminds him of his late wife and he can’t handle it. Grief is weird, and I’ve witnessed that sort of thing happen before.
YTA. Super fucking easy. He had to deal with his wife having cancer for 8 fucking years. Do you think they had 0 discussions during that time about what it would look like after her passing? Stay tf out of their relationship. You have no place.
Yes he may be wrong with how he’s handling his daughter but that’s none of your business.
N T A for telling him off for being selfish and inconsiderate. Someone should be telling him honestly that his behavior is a problem WHEN IT COMES TO HIS DAUGHTER.
YTA for deciding how fast he should start dating and how long he should have to grieve. He started grieving 8 years ago! Then it restarted when it came back. He’s allowed to move on when it suits HIM.
The issue isn’t him moving on; it’s that he’s totally neglecting his child on every possible level while doing so. You’re not the asshole for saying something, but YTA for how you did it. Of course, it would be so upsetting to witness that, and I completely appreciate the desire to lay it out on him. But what you did doesn’t really serve Sara or help him alter his behavior. I think another method would have done better.
Reminds me of my mom. Remarried after my dad died & just started ignoring me.
It sounds like you are saying he claimed he couldn’t bear to discuss his wife, rather than encourage his daughter to grieve. Then out of no where he blindsided his daughter by bringing around a new girlfriend. When his daughter was upset by him seeming to erase her mother’s memory, he ghosted his grieving daughter.
Does that some it up, then yes, your friend is a POS. it is less about dating again, and more about his callous disregard for his daughter’s feelings.
nta
My dad this. He was so devastated he couldn’t talk about my mom. He was newly sober. He was widowed suddenly with 3 kids. To cope he brought a woman with 2 kids home (they dated before he and mom got married). Sister moved out. Brother joined the military. I was left with this new woman and her kids. She was super insecure and jealous too. I didnt know how to cope so I just shut down. My mom just disappeared and no longer existed in my 12 year old mind. I have realized that I have huge issues with relationships now. I have basically been in a state of dissociation since 1991. I dont remember my childhood. I dont really remember my past. I cant hold onto memories. I can’t form attachments, even with my husband and daughter or siblings. I hold everyone at arms length. I have no dreams, goals, hopes or wishes. I basically exist day to day.
Be there for the girl. Help her. Remember her mom with her. Get her counseling.
I lost my mother in the same manner. Anyone who didn’t support me in my grieving time, I still despise them. I feel for the daughter.
> Does he have the right to move on so quickly
It’s not for us – or you – to judge. She fought cancer for many years, according to your post, so he’s been grieving for a long time. I’m guessing that they kept a lot from their daughter because she was so little, so this is fresh for her, but not for him.
That said, he’s treating his child like garbage and he needs to have his tighty whities yanked up for that.
HOWEVER, you screaming and name calling is the exact opposite of helpful. There were a dozen better ways to make your point than how you did.
Try, for once, to remember that your opinion is irrelevant to his grieving. He DOES NOT CARE what YOU think about talking about his wife. He doesn’t have to, either.
Please leave this man alone for a while, because you can’t be trusted to have an adult conversation.
You can feel however but whilst he was married he was also already grieving the relationship he had with his wife
Your looking at this from how you see it how you feel how you think
He shouldn’t be neglecting his daughter at all tho but you need to take your emotions to the situation out of it
NTA- for saying something and I’m sorry for your loss
I’ll say that everyone grieves differently and moves on differently. Although her passing was recent, he may have been processing this for the last several years since she was sick. Or he may be one who just wants to compartmentalize to avoid his grief. And for some, dating someone else quickly helps them “keep going.” So for the way he grieves, I will not judge.
He is a complete AH for the way he is neglecting his daughter. She too is grieving and not being given the space or time to do that; let alone the support she should have in just being his child. He cannot forgo her grieving because it doesn’t work for him. And missing her birthday, neglecting her, is unforgivable.
Is there anyone Sara can talk (is talking) to? Counselor, therapist? Someone who could help her express to her dad what she needs. On the extreme, is there anyone who could become Sara’s guardian if her dad continues down this path?
He has every right to move on with his life, but not at the expense of his daughter! He is the only parent she has left, so he needs to man up and do what’s best for her, putting his daughter’s needs before his own like a decent parent would. You’re not TA for calling him on his terrible parenting, but be careful to do it in a loving way, focusing on the parenting part and the child’s needs. You don’t want to alienate him completely, because that poor child needs you all.
If her lousy father is not going to do his job then the rest of your group, as friends of his deceased wife, may need to step up and love that grieving child and be there for her. Take her out on her mom’s bday or throw her a birthday party, offer her support and encouragement, be there on behalf of your friend her mom who can no longer do it.
So yeah, step up on her behalf just like you’d want the other friends to do for you, but don’t alienate him to the point where he removes your access to that poor child. Focus your attention on the parenting aspect, you’re only TA if you focus on the “too soon to date” argument as in your post’s title
I agree with the sentiment of that he has every right to choose how slowly or how quickly he wants to move on from his wife. What I would like, since you are his friend, what I would like to tell him, like if I was you personally, is that you hope that the way that they’re moving on isn’t using another person as a coping mechanism or like a distraction to not have to deal with the grief. Because that’s gonna make two hearts broken instead of just dealing with his own. And second of all, if he truly is feeling ready in his heart to move on with another woman, then he needs to understand that his daughter is not on that same page. Because she, like, lost her mother. She lost her mother, there’s no amount of weeks or months or even years that will, like, make that fact feel any different. And the fact that it recently happened, like, definitely not, probably not ready to, like, have a new person in a picture in that type of role. That doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t date, he can date if that’s what he wants. But I would say, don’t, like, first of all, don’t abandon your daughter. To literally, like avoid dealing with anything in regards of his late wife. Like, no, that’s genuinely actually not okay. And I’m not saying this out of judgment, I’m saying this as somebody who has gone through a lot of emotional trauma. And, like, literally most of my emotional trauma happened around that age. Because of older family members, including my parents. So, please encourage him to not do that to his daughter. Because it’s something that just, really, genuinely hurts. And also, whether he’s ready to move on or not, I would advise him just, as a fellow human being, to pay more attention to his daughter. Because the last thing she needs right now is to lose her father too. 💌🌹
Joe and Mary had 8 years to adjust to and prepare for her death. Often when one has anticipated a death for so long, they move on more quickly than when a death is more sudden. My husband’s death was a relief when it finally happened.
Everyone has “the right” to grieve and live their life as they see appropriate. However, it is disturbing that Joe appears to be neglecting his daughter in his effort to move on with another woman. The daughter deserves better. You should focus your efforts on being there for the daughter. Yelling at Joe isn’t productive and will only alienate him.