I (18M) threw a birthday party for myself at our local mall with my close friend group (4 girls, all 17F, and one guy, 17M). We’re all in the same class and pretty close, so I only invited them.
There’s a classmate of ours, “Bob” (17M), who I’m not comfortable around because of things he’s done in the past. My friends know this. Despite everything, I’ve actually tried a few times to be friendly toward him, but it never worked.
At the party, we were sitting at a café when Bob suddenly showed up, pulled up a chair, and sat with us without asking. I was surprised and uncomfortable, but before I could say anything, one of the girls told me not to say anything because Bob would get sad. She said I should think about how I’d feel in his position and that he wouldn’t stay long.
I told her it’s my birthday and I should get to decide who’s there. She said that didn’t justify treating someone badly and that since Bob is our classmate, we “owe it to him” to include him and that i should just get over it. I told her that if she cared so much, she could leave with him when I asked him to go. She got upset and said I should just wait it out.
So I waited — for about 40 minutes. The whole time, I was really uncomfortable while everyone chatted with Bob like he was invited. When we got up to leave the café, Bob followed us. I was about to ask him to leave when the same girl said that if I did, it would look like all of us wanted him gone.
At that point, my male friend asked if I wanted to hang out just the two of us, and I said yes ( he also didn’t like the guy ) . So we quickly left together by just telling them that we had to leave. About 30 minutes later, the others called us, really angry that Bob realized what happened and that they had to “explain themselves.” They said I was an ass for abandoning them.
I told them it was weird how they suddenly acted like Bob’s friends even though none of them ever talked to him before — I was the only one who ever tried. They cared more about how they looked to him than about how I felt on my own birthday, or atleast what it felt like.
Later, they texted me saying I was wrong for excluding a classmate and that I needed to accept him. They said I’ll have to work with people I don’t like in the future and asked me to think about how I’d feel in his shoes. I haven’t replied since then. Honestly they treat me in general really good they ask me to hang out with them ,even though they don’t talk to me much there but it’s normal since they are closer to each other than with me.
So, AITA?
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I (18M) threw a birthday party for myself at our local mall with my close friend group (4 girls, all 17F, and one guy, 17M). We’re all in the same class and pretty close, so I only invited them.
There’s a classmate of ours, “Bob” (17M), who I’m not comfortable around because of things he’s done in the past. My friends know this. Despite everything, I’ve actually tried a few times to be friendly toward him, but it never worked.
At the party, we were sitting at a café when Bob suddenly showed up, pulled up a chair, and sat with us without asking. I was surprised and uncomfortable, but before I could say anything, one of the girls told me not to say anything because Bob would get sad. She said I should think about how I’d feel in his position and that he wouldn’t stay long.
I told her it’s my birthday and I should get to decide who’s there. She said that didn’t justify treating someone badly and that since Bob is our classmate, we “owe it to him” to include him and that i should just get over it. I told her that if she cared so much, she could leave with him when I asked him to go. She got upset and said I should just wait it out.
So I waited — for about 40 minutes. The whole time, I was really uncomfortable while everyone chatted with Bob like he was invited. When we got up to leave the café, Bob followed us. I was about to ask him to leave when the same girl said that if I did, it would look like all of us wanted him gone.
At that point, my male friend asked if I wanted to hang out just the two of us, and I said yes ( he also didn’t like the guy ) . So we quickly left together by just telling them that we had to leave. About 30 minutes later, the others called us, really angry that Bob realized what happened and that they had to “explain themselves.” They said I was an ass for abandoning them.
I told them it was weird how they suddenly acted like Bob’s friends even though none of them ever talked to him before — I was the only one who ever tried. They cared more about how they looked to him than about how I felt on my own birthday, or atleast what it felt like.
Later, they texted me saying I was wrong for excluding a classmate and that I needed to accept him. They said I’ll have to work with people I don’t like in the future and asked me to think about how I’d feel in his shoes. I haven’t replied since then. Honestly they treat me in general really good they ask me to hang out with them ,even though they don’t talk to me much there but it’s normal since they are closer to each other than with me.
So, AITA?
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> I basically abandoned them when we were supposed to hang out together for my party
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA for wanting to have just those you invited to be there.
You were uncomfortable, you attempted to alleviate the situation, but your friends weren’t having it. You handled it the best way possible.
How convenient for Bob to just “show up.” Are you sure one of your other friends didn’t invite him?
NTA. Boundaries are boundaries.
NTA These aren’t your friends.
> Later, they texted me saying I was wrong for excluding a classmate and that I needed to accept him. They said I’ll have to work with people I don’t like in the future and asked me to think about how I’d feel in his shoes.
Perhaps the only answer is “I understand what you’re saying and that this is what you feel is the right thing to do. That’s good because you won’t believe what happened after we left you. We ran into (person they detest) and started talking. Because it’s my birthday we started talking about birthdays and I told them when it’s your birthday. Let me know what time they should stop by. I’m so glad that you are leading by example.”
NTA
honestly this is just one of the negative ways that girls are socialised. we teach girls to put others’ feelings ahead of their own. because of this most women probably would have just let him stay even if they didn’t want him there. and that’s probably what your female friends are being taught that they owe the people around them: to never feel bad or rejected, no matter how it makes them (the girls) feel.
you are right that you don’t have to hang with him. it would be worth having a convo with your girl friends about people pleasing. maybe even say you’re worried about them, if they will hang with anyone just so he doesn’t feel bad, what else will they let themselves get pressured into?
might be a really eye opening shift of perspective for them.
NTA, it was your birthday, not a moral outreach program, and you had every right to choose who shared that space. Forcing you to host someone who makes you uncomfortable, then guilt tripping you for quietly leaving, says more about their image management than real friendship.
Bob has taken control of your friend group and I’m sure was invited to join you! Sorry.
N.T.A sometimes the weird kid is weird for a reason he’s smart enough to not be in sped classes and shit but he’s obviously got behavioral or emotional connection problems and I don’t like to be around them especially if everybody handles them with kid gloves on. The world is that nice as long as he doesn’t get bullied I guess it’s fine.
I can’t get past the sentence about a birthday party in a mall. Like a shopping mall? How? Where? Do people still frequent malls enough where you live that most are still open?
NTA. It was your birthday. You probably need to learn to advocate for yourself more. “Hey Bob, this is my birthday party. Maybe we can catch up some other time” would have done it.
Your girl friends thought he was cute is my guess.
“Later, they texted me saying I was wrong for excluding a classmate and that I needed to accept him.”
…Why? Why do you need to accept anyone? You can coexist around someone without embracing their company. And the follow up line of you having to work with people you don’t like in the future? Yeah. Obviously. And there’s zero expectation that you socialize with those people outside of work. Just because they’re around you doesn’t mean you have to be their friend. You don’t owe Bob a damn thing. NTA.
NTA.
It was your birthday, and you had every right to choose your guests. Your friends ignored this and prioritised someone you’re uncomfortable with, despite knowing your feelings. It’s about setting boundaries for your day, not excluding someone randomly. In life, we work with unlikeable people, but your birthday isn’t a group project.
Bob showing up uninvited? Rude. Your friends should’ve supported you, not guilted you. If you want peace, explain how it made you feel sidelined on a day meant to celebrate you. However, you’re not wrong for walking away. Setting boundaries is healthy, even if it makes others uncomfortable.
NTA, You may have to work with difficult people in the future, but you don’t have to except them at your birthday party. This is YOUR personal time and they should respect that. If not, you need new friends.
NTA
“Sorry, this is a birthday party and you haven’t been invited” should have been enough.
Your friends are ridiculous for thinking you owe Bob your time.
NTA. These people are Bob’s friends, not yours. Keep the one who left with you and lose the rest.
Shouldn’t This be in R/Petty
INFO
> I told her it’s my birthday and I should get to decide who’s there.
Is this a private space you rented?
Or just, like, the public food court at the mall? And Bob was walking by and sat down like anyone else would?
> who I’m not comfortable around because of things he’s done in the past.
Can you elucidate upon that? Why are your friends all seemingly cool with him? Did he do something specifically to you?
Seems like a BS story to me. So you’re all sitting around a table or otherwise together and
“before I could say anything, one of the girls told me not to say anything because Bob would get sad”
She literally said this right in front of the guy, before you’d said a word, even though they knew you’d tried to be nice to him before (as opposed to sayyy, insulting him or fighting with him or something bad)?
“She said that didn’t justify treating someone badly and that since Bob is our classmate, we “owe it to him” to include him”
But you hadn’t actually treated him badly, or said a single thing, according to your description. And… what does being a classmate with someone have to do with “owing it to them” to be included? By that rationale your entire class / anyone in your class would be justified in randomly spotting you and sitting down. As far as I know, in the history of high school education, this “we owe it to our classmate” rule hasn’t existed, other than in Pleasantville style re-runs from the 1960s.
“So I waited — for about 40 minutes. The whole time, I was really uncomfortable while everyone chatted with Bob like he was invited.”
If this is true, then what the other poster said is right: these aren’t your friends.
“They said I’ll have to work with people I don’t like in the future and asked me to think about how I’d feel in his shoes.”
This sounds like something a parent would say, not a 17 year old. Also, in his shoes how? Did some great trauma recently befall Bob you’re not telling us about? Why is he so fra-gi-le?
If this is somehow real, I guess NTA, and your friends are assholes, so I guess the lesson would be, hold a higher standard of behavior when choosing friends (since you don’t get to choose your family or neighbors in life).
NTA. I mean your birthday is your day and people should respect it.
lol I mean yeah you will have to deal with people you don’t like many times in the future, but that doesn’t mean those people get invited to your birthday party.
NTA
“Later, they texted me saying I was wrong for excluding a classmate and that I needed to accept him.”
The fuck you do. They are not your friends, so treat them accordingly going forward. Guaranteed one of the girls invited him because one of them likes him. So that was more important to them than it being your birthday – keep that in mind with future interactions. NTA OP.
Yes, YTA
Be grateful that this Bob person who you’ve treated like crap cared enough about you to show up. It doesn’t sound like he did anything obnoxious to ruin your birthday party other than to show up without your permission, but somebody must have invited him.
the girls think bob is attractive. that’s why they’re all over him & so friendly w him. trust me coming from a female, they like him & invited him so they could see him. find new female friends.
WHAT A WEAK SILLY WASTEFUL EXCUSE FOR A POSTING !!!
This is some kid posting for clik bait. It’s all bullshit. The bad guy shows up “accidentally”. The girls say “You owe it to a classmate”…..bullshit.
Yes…….Joduh, You Be The ASSHOLE
Time for the two of you to form a new circle of friends
Info: did all the girls want Bob to hang out? If not I feel bad for the other 3 girls
NTA
The “you’ll have to work with people you don’t like” is nonsense since you already are handling that. You interact with Bob in school (kid equivalent to work environment). You don’t have to interact with people you don’t like in your personal time.
Your “friends” value more a random kid’s feelings than yours.
INFO:
>because of things he’s done in the past.
Can you elaborate?
NTA
It’s your birthday party, not theirs.
Their argument that you’ll have to work with people you don’t like in the future is true, but who you spend your free time with is and will always be your choice to make.
Your free time is valuable and you, like anyone else, are entitled to make of it whatever you want.
So no, I don’t think you were rude. “Bob” was rude to show up uninvited and your friends were rude for not respecting your boundaries, especially on such a precious day.
I hope you can work things out with your friends
NTA. You don’t have to give participation passes for your time. You were polite and excused yourself. The AHs are actually the girls who didn’t find a way to more gracefully talk about your leaving and throwing you under the bus.
You mentioned that you have tried to be friendly with him in the past but it never worked. Simple thing is that YOU planned the outing and invited those people that you wanted there and BOB was not in the plans. They were wrong to tell you that you need to bend to accommodate BOB because he isn’t in your friend group. You may need to rethink about those saying you need to change because they aren’t thinking about you or what’s best for you.
Yes, you will have to work with assholes.
But that doesn’t mean you have to socialize with them.
And that’s where their argument falls apart.
Those ain’t ya friends man, I’m sorry. Friends don’t spring an unwanted birthday guest on you.
They could have chose ANY OTHER TIME-but they chose YOUR birthday, not theirs. Nor did they make THEIR OWN party to invite bob to participate in.
There’s BILLIONS of humans on the planet man, choose some who actually like and respect you. These “friends” ain’t it. Ya one buddy is Solid, he should stay as he wasn’t havin these bs antics either.
NTA
And the argument that you’ll have to work with people that you don’t like in the future is true, but that doesn’t mean that you have to socialize with them .
My guess is the girl and Bob are hooking up and that’s why she wanted him there .
NTA- There’s a difference between having to work with people you don’t like and your friends welcoming someone you don’t like to your birthday party.
NTA. You may need 1 on 1 with your friend in a neutral place like the mall and hash it out. Inform her that you are clear about your boundaries. You’re not Bob’s caretaker, babysitter nor a therapist. Perhaps you make different friends for different interest or activities.
So your male friend that asked if you wanted to hang out just the two of you, him you can keep.
The other “friends”? Lose their number and forget them.
NTA
cut those girls off OP they’re not your friends, and the sooner you come to terms with that the better