This happened this morning and I woke up to my girlfriend screaming my name saying there’s a fire. I ran out to the kitchen to see some paper towels caught on fire next to the stove. We ended up putting it out and the first thing I said was “you have to be more careful next time”. I do have to admit that I did have a tone with her when I said that. She immediately got defensive and said “obviously I know to be careful but do you think you should be lecturing me first instead of asking me if I’m okay”. She was making the point that she is normally always careful but she turned away for a little and she doesn’t know what happened and it caught on fire.
We ended up fighting about it and she was like well if you were drowning, the first thing she would do isn’t lecture me and made sure if I was okay. I said that’s a completely different scenario and she said that’s just an example.
I was really irate at this point so I was like I felt like if the situation was reversed, she would have the same reaction. She got more upset and said how can I turn this around on her in this situation. She said it’s very unfair for me to assume that about her. I did apologize to her for turning it around on her and that it was unfair of me to do that. After a little, I brought this up again and I told her I likely felt this way because there are many instances when I would do something and she would get mad at it, but she would then do the same thing later on. And this is something I talked to multiple times on that really gets to me. So I told her that’s why I likely thought this way but I did apologize to her and say it was unfair of me.
Am I wrong for saying to be careful next time first?
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This happened this morning and I woke up to my girlfriend screaming my name saying there’s a fire. I ran out to the kitchen to see some paper towels caught on fire next to the stove. We ended up putting it out and the first thing I said was “you have to be more careful next time”. I do have to admit that I did have a tone with her when I said that. She immediately got defensive and said “obviously I know to be careful but do you think you should be lecturing me first instead of asking me if I’m okay”. She was making the point that she is normally always careful but she turned away for a little and she doesn’t know what happened and it caught on fire.
We ended up fighting about it and she was like well if you were drowning, the first thing she would do isn’t lecture me and made sure if I was okay. I said that’s a completely different scenario and she said that’s just an example.
I was really irate at this point so I was like I felt like if the situation was reversed, she would have the same reaction. She got more upset and said how can I turn this around on her in this situation. She said it’s very unfair for me to assume that about her. I ended up apologizing to her for turning it around on her. After a little, I brought this up again and I told her I likely felt this way because there are many instances when I would do something and she would get mad at it, but she would then do the same thing later on. And this is something I talked to multiple times on that really gets to me. So I told her that’s why I likely thought this way but I did apologize to her and say it was unfair of me.
Am I wrong for saying to be careful next time first?
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> This happened this morning and I woke up to my girlfriend screaming my name saying there’s a fire. I ran out to the kitchen to see some paper towels caught on fire next to the stove. We ended up putting it out and the first thing I said was “you have to be more careful next time”. I do have to admit that I did have a tone with her when I said that. She immediately got defensive and said “obviously I know to be careful but do you think you should be lecturing me first instead of asking me if I’m okay”. She was making the point that she is normally always careful but she turned away for a little and she doesn’t know what happened and it caught on fire.
We ended up fighting about it and she was like well if you were drowning, the first thing she would do isn’t lecture me and made sure if I was okay. I said that’s a completely different scenario and she said that’s just an example.
I was really irate at this point so I was like I felt like if the situation was reversed, she would have the same reaction. She got more upset and said how can I turn this around on her in this situation. She said it’s very unfair for me to assume that about her. I did apologize to her for turning it around on her and that it was unfair of me to do that. After a little, I brought this up again and I told her I likely felt this way because there are many instances when I would do something and she would get mad at it, but she would then do the same thing later on. And this is something I talked to multiple times on that really gets to me. So I told her that’s why I likely thought this way but I did apologize to her and say it was unfair of me.
Am I wrong for saying to be careful next time first?
I think I’m the asshole if I was wrong for telling her that she she be more careful versus asking if she’s okay first. I guess I just assumed she was okay since it was a small fire and I didn’t see it get on her when I came out.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA
No one likes an “I told you so” person. It’s entirely not helpful. Your statement comes off as callous.
It is difficult to know how you will react in an emergency. Sort out the issue first, make sure everyone is alright, and THEN figure out what happened to prevent it reoccurring.
As someone who’s twice had to put out kitchen fires that other people started . . . yeah, a little bit: YTA. Not that there’s a standard appropriate question when you’re shocked (especially when you wake up to an emergency), but you didn’t even ask what happened. You just assumed she messed up and scolded her immediately.
YTA. I don’t care what’s going on, if there is an emergency, you always check on the safety of the person first, then lecture later. Even if it’s just a quick ‘you okay?’ Otherwise yeah, you’re an AH
NTA because I think she shouldn’t have gotten that defensive over it I can understand if she was annoyed but the analogy kinda didn’t make sense either. Drowning isn’t anything like being next to small fire if she got burned or something then yeah you would be the a hole but if she was fine then thats a normal response.
NTA
> I woke up to my girlfriend screaming my name saying there’s a fire. I ran out to the kitchen to see some paper towels caught on fire next to the stove.
I think it’s fucking ridiculous that the first thing she did was anything other than IMMEDATELY PUT THE FIRE OUT.
NTA. I would also be testy if someone screams me awake to take care of something they did. Man or woman, after receiving help, you show appreciation. Many situations escalate because someone doesn’t admit fault. Next time you cut off someone by accident, make a very obvious “My bad” face. Most of the time, the other driver will be less upset. He could have been more patient, yes, but I don’t blame him for not keeping his cool.
The short answer is that when you are in an intense situation like that, your body releases hormones that alter your normal cognitive reasoning. (fight/flight/freeze mode is a common example)
You were charged up with adrenaline and that manifested as anger when the immediate danger was gone and that intensity got transferred to your girlfriend.
Where you went wrong is that you didn’t allow yourself to come down from that intensity before trying to engage with her. Where you continue to go wrong is trying to justify what you said while still in that high intensity mode, instead of reflecting, apologizing, and learning how to handle things better next time.
Your emotions were physiologically charged, and intense, momentary emotions can manifest unpredictably, and vent in the wrong direction (your girlfriend.)
Tentative NTA, if you take responsibility, communicate with her, and learn from the incident. if you don’t, then you will be the A.
YTA She is right. (Obviously the first priority should have been to put out the fire — not sure why she screamed for you instead of immediately doing that, but that was not part of your question.) For most people in a loving relationship, the next priority would be to make sure she was not injured, followed by a question of how did it happen, so that you could gain understanding and take steps to prevent a future fire — like moving the paper towels far away from the stove. The fact that you jumped to making the comment you did, plus the tone, shows you were being critical and not showing concern for her. I have known people like this and it is a huge character flaw and a big red flag.
NTA, I’m not sure why SHE couldn’t have put the fire out immediately instead of calling for you to come in and do it. The fact she gets defensive when you tell her to be more careful next time is beyond belief.
INFO: I really need to know how bad was this fire and why your GF had to wake you up instead of putting it out herself. Is putting out minor fires no longer taught in school? Doesn’t sounds like an electrical or oil fire from your description…
YTA
YTA no one has an accident like this intentionally and a split moment of distraction can happen to literally anyone. I can’t comment on how she would have reacted if the roles had been reversed but she’s right that the first words out of your mouth should have been “are you okay”. That’s the logical reaction for a person you supposedly love. Their wellbeing comes first then you can worry about any damage to inanimate objects.
NTA.
Why is she mad when she didn’t even know how to put out the fire (that she started) herself?
Manipulation city.
No. You are NTA
Better yet, not had them too close to the stove to begin with.
NTA She sounds useless in an emergency
NAH. Stressful situation, people say things they shouldn’t. Get a CO2 fire extinguisher for the kitchen and make sure she knows how to use it, no mess and less stress
I have to say that yeah, YTA. Not for telling her to be careful, but for the order of the things you said. Literally the first thing out of your mouth was telling her to be careful. No “what happened?” or “are you okay?” You immediately jumped to scolding her. You actually didn’t ask her if she was okay at all; she told you to ask about her well-being. She shouldn’t have had to remind you about that. Besides, she probably was being careful, but accidents happen and they can happen to anyone. And the things that she gets mad about that you do – is any of it something that could cause harm/an emergency? Because if not, that’s not a fair equivalent to the current situation.
Nta for the reaction but you should have responded better, especially after she voiced her concerns. Okay so normally these reactions stem from how your parents or guardians who raised you reacted in high tension situations. I grew up in a household where you snap first. “Be careful!” “Why did you even do that?” “What the fuck?” And can confirm that this is a result of poor emotional regulation. It took some time for me to unlearn. And I will say that although I would understand, I would be upset if someone I loved reacted that way first instead of comforting me first now. My husband always starts with handling the situation then gently asking if I am okay. Then he asks calmly what happened and if it’s needed he will nicely tell me to be more careful next time. This behavior also sets a good example of emotional regulation and empathy for our son.
NTA Your fight, flight, or freeze kicked in. Based on your reaction I’d guess you’re more of a fight, whereas she is a freeze. In the moment you were hyped on adrenaline and once the danger had passed your concern came out as an angry ‘be more careful’. Her response was to immediately get defensive and then whine about you not caring about her. Yes I said whine. She should’ve started off with your right thank you for helping me. Then, would have been the time to take a couple of deep breaths and ask if she’s ok. I understand your reaction because I behave the same way, sadly mine is due to trauma and I will always come back once I am no longer wired to apologize and explain myself.
NTA. 1. She was clearly ok, you can’t equate this to drowning when the person is ACTUALLY dying. 2. Sure it’s not the nicest thing that could have been said, but that doesn’t make someone an AH. Maybe a bit too soon, I’m sure she was embarrassed, but the worst I can say is there were probably better things to say.
NTA
I was in a weirdly similar situation. I once had a friend set fire to paper towels in my kitchen. There was no screaming. She panicked and froze so I walked in and tossed them in the sink and asked her to be careful. She agreed and that was that.
You guys didn’t get hurt, except some feelings which is understandable in the moment. I don’t think you did anything wrong by asking her to be more careful, but I can also understand why she would be upset that you weren’t more worried about her.
NTA, from a 37F. Your girlfriend is presumably an adult. Why were the paper towels close enough to the stove to catch fire? Why was she screaming for you to come put it out? That kind of incompetence/negligence is EXACTLY how houses get burned down. I’d be pissed in this situation, and honestly, would never feel safe with her in the kitchen again.
Similarly, I have roommates – one time I was smelling smoke so I came out of my room to find the entire apartment FILLED with smoke, visibility 10%, and there was a pan of black pork chops on the stove. Alarm started screaming, turned the element off. Found the roommate outside and told him to not leave food unattended on the stove and he immediately got defensive, like “obviously I know that, don’t tell me things I already know” – THEN WHY WERE YOU OUTSIDE WITH FOOD ON THE STOVE?? Fucking idiots.
My husband would do the same thing to me; telling me to be careful when I got hurt or could be hurt by some action. I finally realized it was his reaction to the fear of me being hurt. Is this why you reacted with “be careful” as soon as the danger was taken care of? If so; save you both years of hurt and TELL HER that.
NTA.
She may end up burning down the house. I’d be very careful with her. She needs to take a basic safety course on fires.
You’re really just angry at her that you would do something wrong and she’d get mad? Yeah. That’s how it works. She had a scare and needed comfort. If you really can’t figure out the difference, let miss arson find a dude who can put out her fire just literally, and not also metaphorically.
Never tell your partner to “be more careful.” They know. It just makes them feel worse and accomplishes nothing. Nobody ever thinks “oh geez I’d better not put these paper towels next to the stove because last month Steve told me to be more careful after I dropped a plate!”
ESH you should have checked on her yes, but also it’s a natural reaction to there being a fire. I know you probably didn’t mean to be a jerk. Both of y’all’s adrenaline was pumping. She should be more careful in the future, but it’s called an accident for a reason. Once you both have time to cool off I think you should both apologize to each other. I don’t think either of you were intentionally the AH here, but y’all both could have done better.
YTA because “be careful next time” is massively unhelpful and really condescending.
I mean, as someone who’s been in almost this exact spot before but on the side of the gf: NAH. I had a piece of paper towel catch on fire without realizing it, my partner saw it and put it out. My partner then told me to be more careful, which always sort of feels bad when you’ve been responsible for a small fire. At the time, it grated on me, but hindsight is of course if I had looked out, it wouldn’t have happened. That doesn’t make me an inherently worst or better person, everybody makes mistakes. It might help if you wait until the moment of tension passes to talk about preventing the problem in the future when both of you aren’t upset anymore.
My husband does this. We’ve been married 25 years. After that amount of time you really know one another and you learn to almost predict behavior and also to really understand the depth of what’s going on.
This very thing used to drive me crazy! Like, how come his first reaction is almost anger rather than concern?! I’d be concerned and comforting first, then perhaps examine the situation to find what went wrong.
The answer here is adrenalin and how he responds to urgency and urgent situations. He’s a fixer and when something goes wrong his instinct is to fix it and figure out how and why it happened to prevent it happening again. He’s logical, not emotional.
Now, this is Reddit so everybody is going to tell you that your boyfriend is a jerk and that you should leave him immediately and that this is a huge red flag. What is a red flag for you is different than what a red flag is for someone else. I am going to get downloaded into Oblivion because everyone is going to say that my husband should change. He should be more emotional and less reactionary and that if you really cared about me he would change.
Here’s the thing, is this a hill I’m willing to die on? Is it or was it ever a relationship ending issue? Only you can answer that. But. This is an aspect of this man that will never change. It’s who he is, it’s the chemistry of his body. Now you know that in an urgent situation your boyfriend will react with logic and almost an annoyance due to the adrenaline rush which caused him to be startled or scared. Your boyfriend will always be a fixer. When you complain to him about something he is going to instinctively give you all the ways that you can fix it. He is not going to instinctively react out of emotion.
This is the kind of person who needs to be told whether you need “medicine or blanket”. This is very much a Mars / Venus situation. You two are on opposite planes when it comes to listening and comforting and fixing. You are going to have to ask him for the emotional stuff you need in this relationship. It is probably not going to happen spontaneously. If this relationship is something you think could be a big part of your future, you need to work on understanding his personality and his way of connecting intimately and accept the person that he is and not try to fix him. There’s nothing wrong with him, and there’s nothing wrong with you. You just need to know that you are going to have to verbally convey to him what you need. Obviously, he needs to be open to suggestion. So after the fire, he reacted the way he did. You needed a blanket at that moment and not medicine. So you put it aside for a few minutes while you gather yourself together and take a breather after the minor emergency. He also takes a breather. Everybody’s blood pressure and heart rate goes back to normal. That’s when you sit down and tell him that in that situation you need a blanket. If he’s open to suggestion and if this relationship is going to work, he is going to have to be able to see, upon reflection, that you needed something different than he offered or was able to give in the moment. Maybe he apologizes for not realizing that you needed emotion rather than reaction at that time and then, offer the comfort that you needed. Maybe no apology is needed and he just gives you a hug at that time.
I know this is long-winded, and I’m sorry. Talk to text takes away your perspective of how long you have been typing. I guess I’m saying that this is who he is, you always be this way, over time, you will both change and adapt to what the other needs during high adrenaline situations. He will learn to become a little more comforting, and you will learn to become a little more logical.
That is what a relationship is. That is what a long-term relationship looks like. That is what a committed marriage means. Good luck!
YTA. Are you parenting her? There’s no reason for you to scold her. Telling her to be more careful is just condescending.