This post is about my girlfriend changing plans and uninviting me on a European trip. We live in the US.
TL;DR – My GF is excited about this trip she’s on and sending me pics daily, after uninviting me and choosing to take her girlfriend instead due to finances. This is impacting me more than I expected. Am I overreacting by asking her to not send me her daily European vacation pics?
Here are the details:
I (50M) have been dating an amazing woman (44F) for the past year. We have a strong bond and a healthy relationship. We both have successful careers, however she makes more than twice what I do. I also have been in between jobs the past few months.
Last year before we met, she surprised her father with Wimbledon tickets. I’ve been excited for her to go on this trip with him. However a few months ago her dad backed out. His health isn’t good and he’s more of a homebody now. So she told me she’d like to take me on the trip instead.
While I was disappointed she won’t be able to take her dad, I was super excited for this. Wimbledon has a been a bucket list event for me. I grew up watching tennis and always watch Wimbledon. We also made plans to head up to Scotland and check out Edinburgh.
A few weeks later, she said she had second thoughts because she knows I need to be careful financially right now. She spent thousands on VIP tickets and business class airfare, and didn’t feel like she needs to pay for all of my expenses. So she invited her girlfriend to go instead, who is in a better position to pay for an expensive trip. I would have been able to contribute financially, but not at this first class level.
Her logic makes sense and she’s right about the finances. She admitted she made a mistake for impulsively inviting me without thinking through everything. She has apologized and said if she could do this over again, she would have handled it differently. But it is tough because I was genuinely excited for this trip and Wimbledon is a dream trip for me.
But now that she’s over there, I’m getting pics of them flying business class, at Wimbledon VIP events, the theatre and now they are heading to Scotland. Meanwhile I’m house sitting for her and taking care of her cat. These pics are starting to burn me up and I’m getting more irritated each time they come through. She’s not trying to rub it in, I think she’s just excited about her trip. But it feels like she is being insensitive to me.
Am I overreacting for feeling irritated about this and asking her to not send pics every day? Keep in mind this has been a healthy relationship and she’s an amazing woman. Zero red flags from her up to this point.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
This post is about my girlfriend changing plans and uninviting me on a European trip. We live in the US.
TL;DR – My GF is excited about this trip she’s on and sending me pics daily, after uninviting me and choosing to take her girlfriend instead due to finances. This is impacting me more than I expected. Am I overreacting by asking her to not send me her daily European vacation pics?
Here are the details:
I (50M) have been dating an amazing woman (44F) for the past year. We have a strong bond and a healthy relationship. We both have successful careers, however she makes more than twice what I do. I also have been in between jobs the past few months.
Last year before we met, she surprised her father with Wimbledon tickets. I’ve been excited for her to go on this trip with him. However a few months ago her dad backed out. His health isn’t good and he’s more of a homebody now. So she told me she’d like to take me on the trip instead.
While I was disappointed she won’t be able to take her dad, I was super excited for this. Wimbledon has a been a bucket list event for me. I grew up watching tennis and always watch Wimbledon. We also made plans to head up to Scotland and check out Edinburgh.
A few weeks later, she said she had second thoughts because she knows I need to be careful financially right now. She spent thousands on VIP tickets and business class airfare, and didn’t feel like she needs to pay for all of my expenses. So she invited her girlfriend to go instead, who is in a better position to pay for an expensive trip. I would have been able to contribute financially, but not at this first class level.
Her logic makes sense and she’s right about the finances. She admitted she made a mistake for impulsively inviting me without thinking through everything. She has apologized and said if she could do this over again, she would have handled it differently. But it is tough because I was genuinely excited for this trip and Wimbledon is a dream trip for me.
But now that she’s over there, I’m getting pics of them flying business class, at Wimbledon VIP events, the theatre and now they are heading to Scotland. Meanwhile I’m house sitting for her and taking care of her cat. These pics are starting to burn me up and I’m getting more irritated each time they come through. She’s not trying to rub it in, I think she’s just excited about her trip. But it feels like she is being insensitive to me.
Am I overreacting for feeling irritated about this and asking her to not send pics every day? Keep in mind this has been a healthy relationship and she’s an amazing woman. Zero red flags from her up to this point.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my girlfriend to stop sending me pictures of her on her vacation. She originally invited me on this trip, then changed her mind. Now she is sending pics of her and her girlfriend on this trip while I am at her house taking care of her cat.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
[deleted]
I can understand it from both sides. But I’m leaning towards YTA. You knew it was going to be an expensive trip, did you think she was going to pay for most things from the start, so you agreed to go? You should be happy she’s sharing pictures with you at all. She could be running around with her GF partying it up etc etc. instead she’s sending you pictures of everything-this is her way of including YOU.
NTA.
Being invited on a trip like this and then being sidelined right before the trip is incredibly disheartening. I think anyone would be feeling frustrated. I don’t think your girlfriend is in the wrong for sharing the pictures persay, but the fact that she just decided you weren’t coming on the trip anymore without really discussing a potential compromise isn’t really fair. I would either see if there’s a night where she’s free to explain that you’d rather wait until she gets home to see the pictures and explain your feelimgs about the situation, or maybe wait until she’s back to fully go into detail about what happened Hopefully you two can work this out. Best of luck.
YTA. She’s trying to include you in the trip by sending you regular updates. Telling her to stop is childish and shows you’re insecure which, at your age, is not a good look.
Did you expect her to pay for all your expenses because you can’t pay for them yourself? Entitled much?
YTA
I think it was unkind of your girlfriend to uninvite you. The invite had already been extended, and it sounds like she was fully aware of your financial situation when she invited you – at that point, it became her responsibility to either cover at least a portion of your share or find some sort of compromise (e.g. you pay her back once you have a steady job).
I’m going with NAH, especially since you recognize that she’s not being malicious. I think it would be better, though, to wait until she’s back to have a gentle conversation about it rather than spoil her vacation. Otherwise, you’d just be letting these feelings fester!
(Edit: Changed from N T A to N A H!)
NAH. She didn’t do anything wrong (at least, nothing she hasn’t sincerely apologized for already) and is sending you the photos because you’re who she wants to share the experience with, even if at a distance.
But if seeing the photos every day isn’t working for you, it’s fine to say so. Nicely!
“I’m having a bit of a struggle with Wimbledon envy right now. I’ll get over it! But meanwhile it would be better for me if you didn’t send me all these photos. Thanks.”
NAH. You can’t blame her for sharing her excitement with you, but you’re entitled to feeling irritable and upset. Perhaps share your feelings with her and ask her to send you less pictures… although I’m questioning why you accepted the trip in the first place if you weren’t in the financial position to do so. Be happy for her, at least.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. It’s a tough position, but she should be able to see that this is a bad situation for you and be more mindful of that. On the other hand I think you shouldn’t say anything here and just try your best to ignore it.
NTA. She’s the AH for inviting you and then deciding for you it would be too expensive. She could’ve just said she didn’t want to pay for you and then you might have been able to figure it out financially, or decline the invitation. But she just uninvited you without giving you any say in the matter. And now she’s sending you pics of her having the time of her life? After uninviting you? That’s so insensitive.
YTA. You are being overly sensitive. If you don’t want to see the photos, don’t look. Wait until she gets back and look at them together.
There were no red flags and there are still no red flags. She is trying to include you in the experience. You’re pouting.
If you can do it with humor so as not to blow up the relationship, you could say, “You’re making me jealous!” “oh, how I wish I was there!” “Oh, sure, rub it in.” But all that depends on your humor and hers.
Not overreacting. I think a good conversation with her would be important about how the whole thing made you feel.
Info: when you accepted the invite on the trip were you already in between jobs? If so, what was your expectation on the financials of the trip?
NAH
ESH. I do understand the financial aspect on her end, it would be unfair for her to cover everything. It also probably hurt to have a dream trip fall through. She is probably trying to include you and let you know what she’s up to, but i understand your POV as well and perhaps feeling left out. It’s a tough situation.
She’s not allowed to enjoy herself because you’re sad? YTA what was your plan for when she got home? Tell her she’s not allowed to mention it or show you pictures?
I’d say YTA. If you’re 50/44 and you aren’t adult enough to talk to each other about something like this then I don’t know what to tell you.
Hmmm…
I’d have to say NAH, but heavily leaning into NTA. I understand why you feel upset. You were invited to go on this trip, and then it was ripped away from you. I think anyone would feel disappointed by that. Whether or not that was her intention, it is what happened. Was she planning on spending this money on her father, or was it expected that he pay for his share of the trip? I make more than double what my boyfriend makes, and if I was in this situation and had already spent the money as if I wasn’t getting it back, well then I’d eat the cost of it and be thankful that my boyfriend was with me. It would be nice if he paid for meals and things while we were there. ESPECIALLY if I had already invited him on this trip and I knew he was very excited to go.
I’m sure seeing daily pictures of the trip reinforces the feeling of it being taken from you. And as time goes on, I can understand why that would cause some resentment building. I don’t think she’s wrong for doing what she did, especially since she apologized. But I think that she should be willing to hear your request and honor it, because she seems to know that she hurt you.
However, I think the way you do this is very important. Instead of telling her not to send you photos of the trip, tell her how it’s been making you feel when you receive those photos. You can say something like: “I am happy that you are having a good time, it looks like a lot of fun. However, it has been hurting me to see daily reminders of a trip I was exited to go on with you and then was subsequently uninvited from. I understand why, but it was still disappointing. I don’t want to feel resentful of you and I want you to enjoy your trip! Is it okay if we look at photos and talk about your trip together when you are home? I think I will be in a better mindset to hear about it then. I still want to hear from you every day and check in. I know you are excited and having fun, but it will mean a lot to me if you are able to wait to share that with me until you are home. What do you think?”
This is a situation where I think you should let her know how you were affected by it, but be willing to forgive her and move on. I’m sorry OP, maybe you guys can plan a more economical trip to Wimbledon together next year. That way there is some reconciliation and something to look forward to for next year.
She invited you to what would have been your trip of a lifetime. Then she unilaterally uninvited you because she decided in her wisdom you couldn’t afford it. She didn’t offer to help pay for your expenses (sounds like she could afford it) but left you at home to care for her house and her cat (is she paying you for your babysitting services while she is away having fun?). To top it all off she rubs your face in it daily with her social media posts. Gosh, all I can say is you must set the bar pretty low if you think this is the behavior of an “amazing woman”. An amazing asshole maybe. NTA.
NTA. Delete the photos without looking at them. Problem solved…for now.
It really is a shame she didn’t think things through carefully from the start. If she had, maybe she’d have considered a budget trip that you could be included in. She feels bad, and she has said she would do it differently next time, so that’s good. But I get the feeling that if she had to do it all over again she would have invited her friend from the start, not made small sacrifices so that you could go to. What do you think?
You’re NTA.
YTA – you’re pouting because she’s having fun on a trip you cannot afford. Wimbledon isn’t going anywhere, time to save up yourself for your own dream trip.
She uninvited you? Toss her
Struggled to get past ‘Europe’ once I discovered it was Wimbledon and Scotland 🫠.
Give me her location in Scotland I’ll ruin her trip bro 😂
NTA. She could have asked you to pay her what you could afford and then give her the other half as you go. Heck put it on a 0% credit card and enjoy with each other! If she knew this was on your bucket list, a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing for you, and that you were very excited for the trip, then I think she is being insensitive.
Stop acting like a child. You are 50. YTA
NTA. I’d tell her to save the data . That is pretty insensitive.
pure copium to say “we both have successful careers, though she earns double what I do, and I’m currently not working and havent for the last few months”
Sounds like she’s successful and you’re delusional.
anyway, I’m ultimately voting NTA, because I think it was shortsighted and foolish for her to have invited you in the first place, and not a nice feeling for her to uninvite you, either.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to see picture of the trip that you feel like you should have been on, but at the same time you also need to understand that you’re her person and she wants to share things with you
It’s the context that makes her sharing these things unpleasant for you.
NTA she invited you on a trip she already paid for didn’t she? Why is she expecting you to pay? If she was she should have said you can come if you pay?
NTA
I’m taking a trip to France with my mom next month. I’m going to share the trip with my husband via some photos, obviously, but I’m also gonna be sensitive to the likely FOMO and not feel like it’s being rubbed in his face. This is common courtesy imo.
NTA for asking for fewer pictures of the trip you weren’t able to afford. But you are between jobs, she makes a lot more than you do, she makes 100% more than you do. So realistically, you need to be job hunting if you can’t afford to be jaunting around England and still paying your expenses from savings. It’s fine to ask for fewer reminders of this trip you couldn’t afford, but be careful how you phrase it to her. Or just don’t, and simply send them all to a folder. It’s not her fault she can afford this and I assume it’s not your fault you can’t go. I dated a much wealthier person for a long time, and he frequently went on trips of a lifetime (apparently at least 5 lifetimes) and I had to get over my envy. Eventually I did break up with him because he was also uncaring in many other ways, but it was not the vacations. Mostly.
NTA.
She should not have rescinded your invitation, and she should not have declined for you based on your finances. She should have said “here’s the itinerary, here’s what everything will cost, this would be your portion – is that something you can swing or should I invite someone else?”
I’d be more upset about that than the pictures to be honest.
But the pictures themselves – have you asked her to stop? I’d start with that. You even said you don’t think she’s trying to rub it in. She may just want to keep in touch, show you she’s thinking of you, and share her experiences with you. That’s not the impact it’s having, so you need to communicate that to her.
If you have a calm adult conversation with her and ask her to hold off on sending the pictures until you catch up when she’s back home, and then she keeps doing it out of spite, that will be a different conversation.
That’s legitimately awful and idg why everyone in the comments is mad at you. Why didn’t she discuss it with you and see how much you could contribute before unilaterally disinviting you and inviting her friend? The only thing I can say is that it’s a new-ish relationship. But it doesn’t bode well if she feels like she can’t enjoy a vacation with you without balling out to another level and you can’t afford that. I don’t think you should ask her not to send you pictures though, just look away from the screen.
NTA. For those who need to hear it in the back: Your feelings are always valid.
What you do as a result of them is also always important. So, let’s see how to respond:
There are two pains in a relationship: (1) feeling disappointed and (2) feeling unloved.
(1) You feel disappointed. That is totally understandable. You got excited for not just a trip but a dream trip only for her to rescind the offer. Now, you are left at not just your home but her home house and pet sitting.
(2) You feel unappreciated / unloved. Not only did she offer a dream trip but she took that away AND asked you (?) to watch her house at her cat? Now, she is sending you frequent reminders of her fun trip? I mean, even if she doesn’t mean to rub it in, she still is. She is being insensitive.
So, what are your options?
(a.) You can do nothing, stew, and blow up randomly over something seemingly unrelated. (Not super healthy or helpful.)
(b.) You can tell her you feel unappreciated and ask her not to send you photos. She will likely respond by taking offense at this. (Healthy but not helpful)
(c.) You can tell her that you are conflicted. You can tell her that you are glad that she is having a good time and that you love seeing her having a good time, but that you feel disappointed and unappreciated. (Healthy and helpful.)
Choose your own adventure.
A) invite her on a trip then uninvite her
B) go to Europe and invite your best friend
C) break up
INFO
Why didn’t she just take the financial contribution you can give now and you give her the rest later?
I mean, I’m the cautious type and would ask for some written agreement for that, but that shouldn’t be an issue. She already paid for everything, so unless she’s pressed for cash for some reason, this decision didn’t have to be based on your financial situation right now.
NTA. Inviting you and then in-inviting you is cruel enough, let alone her throwing it in your face with all the photos. I probably wouldn’t even open her texts until she got back lol
Between inviting and uninviting you, did the conversations you were having co tribute to uninvite? I can imagine they did if she was planning and looking forward to this trip, and you were clearly showing signs of wanting to downgrade and worrying about your finances ( as you should give nyour current situation) .
YTA. You’re angry that your younger woman exceeds your buying power and you can’t even be happy for her even though you already admitted that she’s right and you can’t afford it.
YTA. Was totally expecting this from a 20 something year old and they would still be an asshole. At no point did you ask your gf about costs or expenses after she invited you knowing that she had splurged for her dad. You don’t have as much disposable income as her and you’re between jobs. The fact that you just didn’t even talk means you were expecting her to cover for you more than you could afford. And now you’re being salty because she didn’t.
She is sharing her life with you. You’re old enough to learn to be happy for her and be disappointed for yourself. Though quite frankly you should be disappointed that you didn’t have the maturity to talk about money when she first invited you on the trip given your financial state.
Hey OP, this was me and bf a few years ago. We’re even the same age and cat sitting. I never said I pay for him but I did invite him and he couldn’t go due to finances.
I went anyway with my girlfriends and had a blast. He was really mad and pouty about it said he wanted to hear nothing about the trip. So I obliged. Then he got mad when he found out the itinerary and said id hidden things from him.
Without going into details, I’d recommend you at least pretend to be happy and exited her and like her pics. Stuff like that drives a wedge and divide. And could break you up.
The reason I didn’t want to pay for him, who is a school teacher? Because my previous longterm bf I did take on a 2 week VIP trip to Ireland. After him I swore id never support someone like that again. They had to meet me at least somewhere near equals.
NO ONE us the AH here.
Bro. I though you were 21 from the title. 50. Grow up.
YTA and you’re all insane for saying NTA. She realized he couldn’t afford it and she’d be paying for everything. He doesn’t get to have an expensive trip just because she realized that too late.
I would not say anything but not look at the pictures. Alternatively I would ask her to save up the pictures and show them to you when you are together and she can tell you about them.
You need to do a bit yo swallow your unhappiness about this and make sure not to quash her enthusiasm, but do what you can to make getting there easier for you.
Info: when she invited you on the trip, what was your expectation financially? Did you expect her to pay your way? Did you expect to pay but not for the more expensive options? Did neither of you consider it? She should have thought about it before inviting you, but you also should have thought about it before accepting and getting your hopes up.
NTA. Every time she sends a new photo respond with a picture of her cat’s litter box, its food bowl, anything really mundane to remind her she dumped you from the trip.
NTA. The simple fact she invited you then disinvited you is the mere minimum to dump her ass without remorse. and then you add the fact that she justified this by your financial situation, you catsitting for her and now she is rubbing it to your face ?
Just breathe my man, I think she just misses you and wants to share her experience. I’d think it would be worse if she didn’t send you anything .
NAH, but you sound bitter. Just don’t look at the pictures if they bother you so much. I understand you’re disappointed that you’re not part of the trip, but be glad that she wants to update you so much. That means she’s thinking of you even when doing a lot of other fun things.
NTA. Some people are like this: completely tone deaf about how their action could impact others. You could call it empathy being completely overridden by excitement. They don’t mean anything bad, but people like that irritate me so much. How can they not see? I mean it requires factoring in several related facts, but it feel like that should be obvious to anyone with even modest emotional intelligence.
My gf at the time, 20 years ago did the same thing. Her aunt was working in Angola and invited her to visit. My gf told me she’d invite me and then suddenly it was her dad coming along and even though I had expressed enthusiasm, she just acted like we hadn’t ever discussed it with me. Full gaslighting mode. I was both pissed and dumbfounded.
YTA. You’re 50. Maybe stop acting like a jealous 22 year old and be excited to see Wimbledon through your girlfriend’s eyes?
So you have been together for one year but she didn’t want to pay for your stuff .
I would get it if it was like a 2-3 month relationship but come on man it’s been a year .
NTA , hope you find someone who values you like you deserve
only a man would date a women who hates him
Bro. The moment you tell her to stop, all the photos she’ll ever want to send you, will stop.
She desires to send you them. Just say that’s great.
Some women won’t send a damn thing ever. So chill out. You a——-e
Um she cares more about money than you so theres your answer.
She sounds like a proper b tbh