My girlfriend regularly vents to more then one friend often telling her entire friend group personal issues were going through. I’m okay with her having a few conversations about our relationship but quiet frankly it feels like the whole world knows our business. She says it’s her just venting but I feel like she just wants reassurance from anyone who will listen about how much of an asshole I am. We often get into arguments over this issue since I feel I can’t express myself knowing that she will inevitably tell everyone everything no matter how big of an issue we’re having. I asked her to please stop telling so many people when a conflict or disagreement happens between us but am not sure if that’s the right thing to do. Am I being controlling? Am I the asshole for asking her to stop “venting” with all of her friends?
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My girlfriend regularly vents to more then one friend often telling her entire friend group personal issues were going through. I’m okay with her having a few conversations about our relationship but quiet frankly it feels like the whole world knows our business. She says it’s her just venting but I feel like she just wants reassurance from anyone who will listen about how much of an asshole I am. We often get into arguments over this issue since I feel I can’t express myself knowing that she will inevitably tell everyone everything no matter how big of an issue we’re having. I asked her to please stop telling so many people when a conflict or disagreement happens between us but am not sure if that’s the right thing to do. Am I being controlling? Am I the asshole for asking her to stop “venting” with all of her friends?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my girlfriend to stop venting our issues with so many of her friends and need to be judged if that’s an asshole thing to ask for. I might be the asshole for asking my girlfriend for something she has full right to do I might be over controlling
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It is perfectly reasonable to ask her to keep some matters private between you. And she should be hearing you out when it comes to this. But I do think that you need to have a more thorough conversation about what topics are and are not for sharing. You both should take some time and examine what you feel is appropriate to share with others and what violates your boundaries of privacy. Trying to communicate boundaries in terms of volume (so much, less, etc) is too vague and does not adequately address the core issue.
That does not mean she cannot still vent with her friends. She just has to learn how to hold back specifics that are a privacy violation. For example, say you are fighting about money. She can say “We are fighting about money, and it is stressing me out.” But perhaps she needs to refrain from saying “he spent $350 on sports equipment when I really wanted to get my hair done.”
It can be a hard line for couples to navigate, especially when neither party is getting into the nitty gritty on what is and is not up for public knowledge. It can take time and a lot of conversations. So long as you are both willing to see that each of you has a valid point of view in terms of some things can be shared and some should not be then you can make this work. But, if in the end she decides that she will not respect that some things are just between the two of you at that point you may need to reevaluate the relationship.
NTA. You can ask a trusted partner to keep things private. When she doesn’t by sharing with her friends, she’s violating your trust.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your personal relationship issues to remain between the two of you. And it’s a red flag actually if she’s telling all her friends all your problems. That’s not to say she can’t confide in a friend or two for advice or something, but if everyone always knows your business there’s definitely a lack of trust and respect there.
YTA clearly if your GF is constantly venting about how much of an AH you are, your probably a AH. The fact that you argue about it and try to control what she says to her friends rather than, idk being a nice BF definitely puts you firmly into asshole territory. Where there’s smoke theres fire and you sir, are covered in smoke…. I declare that yes you are in fact, a asshole of the highest order.
NTA This is a huge issue, and quite common — but just because many people do it doesn’t make it healthy or right.
There are two problems here (at least). One is the privacy issue, which is coupled to the disrespect involved in refusing to listen to your SO’s request to stop telling everyone the couple’s private business.
Some people believe that they have a right to share all of the personal details of their relationship with their friends regardless of what their SO thinks. With such people, who stubbornly refuse to listen to their SO’s concerns about the privacy issue, it could become a deal-breaker for the relationship if the other person believes that — barring cases such as abuse — people have a right to privacy in terms of the intimate details of the relationship and their own personal business.
The other concern is that people who do this very often only vent about negative things, and so their friends form an overly negative picture of the SO. This leads to their feedback and advice being based on this biased image, which in turn leads to a poisonous spiral where the person venting and their friends build an increasingly negative picture of the SO, both sides feeling confident in their increasingly negative opinion because they are reassuring each other in it. It’s toxic to the relationship and usually the person venting is blind to what is happening — instead they feel they are right because their friends are telling them they are (the same friends who only hear the negative side of the relationship from the venter).
NTA.
Although it feels like there’s a difference in your values around your privacy? She’s more of an open book and you perhaps would rather keep things to yourself? Both are valid ways of being.
She absolutely has the right to vent to her friends, but to you it feels like she does it to an extreme degree. It reminds me of a parasocial relationship in a sense where her friends might now know a lot more about you than you about them and it certainly creates an imbalanced dynamic between you and them. Maybe that’s the source of the uncomfortable feeling you feel? I think it’s worth digging into what kind of vulnerability it is that you feel when she shares these stories about your relationship and then maybe describe that feeling to her without prescribing her any kind of ill intention.. or making any outright demands. Also, if you do think you have a difference in values about privacy here, then it would be good to acknowledge the difference in your values without judgement against either of your preferences. But you both have to sort of trust each other that the partner you have chosen cares about you and would never want to intentionally hurt you. Maybe then you could brainstorm a solution to this problem together, like a team.
NTA it’s perfectly fair to have boundaries around your personal information being discussed with others.
A relationship should be between you and your girlfriend, not between you, your girlfriend and her entire friendsquad. That said, just how many issues are you having that this is happening regularly enough to be a problem? Why are you two arguing all the time?
NTA, but if you’ve had a number of discussions about this and she disagrees, you may be forced to decide whether this is something you just need to accept, or whether this means you’re incompatible.
I’m honestly on the fence with this one. Sharing everything is rude but at the same time not sharing can make people stay in toxic relationships. Maybe you two can talk about your issues like the ones she vents to her friends with in order to resolve what’s going on? You have a right to privacy for your relationship but she also has a right to ask her friends for advice
NTA. If and when a person shares their side to a situation to all their friends or even family, it causes a huge chasm if y’all stay together, or break up and GET back together.
When my sis wants to talk shit about her ex, I tell her I’m listening to how she feels, but don’t want a play by play (knowing they’ve broken up so many times in the years they’ve been married). it sounds weird, I know, but shes finally gotten to the point of when she starts witching against him, I direct her to what she‘s feeling…..(this after years of her calling me sobbing while she’s following him while he’s at work as a driver)
Typically, N-T-A because venting and getting advice can me important, however….
>since I feel I can’t express myself knowing that she will inevitably tell everyone everything no matter how big of an issue we’re having
That’s where the issues come in. You are aware that you are just not sharing with her, but hell, you may as well make a public social media post to cut out the middle man. You are now wording things for an audience that you didn’t ask for.
>Am I being controlling? Am I the asshole for asking her to stop “venting” with all of her friends?
Nope. You are trying to have a private conversation with your partner to work through things, but only now you are doing it on a stage for other participants. Trust is lost and what else is she sharing that you aren’t aware of? Is she sharing your text messages with friends to prove a point? Sharing very personal details is so violating that I would just stop talking.
NTA
It’s fine to vent to someone, everyone needs that, but when you do it consistently the entire friend group forms a poor opinion of the partner and it creates a whole new host of relationship issues.
This is what therapists are for.
There’s a line. People in relationships should have people outside of their relationship they can go to to bounce things off of. But here’s the thing, the intention has to be, to get a fresh perspective on both parties behaviours. That mate who’s going to let you know, “yeah, you didn’t handle that in the best way,” while also letting you know if your partner was out of line.
People who don’t do this and refuse to do this, often end up in unhealthy relationships. And by the time they ask for advice, they deep down know the situation isn’t ok, so they don’t tell the truth.
The other side of this is this situation. When someone goes to their friends looking for validation that their partner is an AH. And recounts stories of the unfair thing they did. If this is your situation, then you just have to end the relationship. Because if your truly making her that unhappy, that often, why stay together? And obviously there’s no future in a relationship where all your partners friends and family dislike you. INFO
OP there is something like fair arguing and healthy forms of venting frustration with friends. and then there is this. You guys need to have a discussion about how she reasonable talks with friends and where the limits to your privacy are. these are boundaries that any good partner should respect and it says a lot about how much she values your relationship if she basically drops a dramatic bomb everytime she leaves the house on her friends – who then unintentionally become willing participants in hyping her up and telling her you are always at fault.
this also paints you in a terrible light to her peers – not sure if you care about that, but it’s never a good look if her friends have an abstruse image of you that is based entirely on when your gf is upset with you.
personally, I could not be with someone who seemingly tolerates me and has to suffer being in a relationship with me, with their only solace being that they get to shit on everything I do with their friends. that’s a bully and a liar, not a partner
NTA
NAH it seems like you both need/want different things here, and that’s not an asshole move on either of your parts. If you wanted her to tell no one? Then it would be an issue of being controlling, but you’re not asking for that. It seems like perhaps you guys aren’t compatible in this way if it’s not something she’s willing to compromise over, especially after you’ve both argued about it multiple times.
NTA.
You have your right to not like her sharing details of your relationship.
But she still has the right to vent to whoever she wants.
You can try to ask her to not share too much, she can say yes and be understanding, she can say no and say she needs that for her mental health, she would be right in any situation.
If this is a deal breaker and her reaction goes against your will… either accept or terminate the relationship, it won’t get any better.
NTA. She is forcing her friends to see you in a negative light without allowing you to defend yourself.
NTA you are entitled to some privacy with your SO. The issue isn’t she’s sharing it’s what is she sharing. If she is venting and the issue is you then you become the problem. This will create a feedback loop where her friends will eventually try to convince her to leave you as they will only hear biased accounts about you.
If she is sharing the disagreements and seeks advice without always speaking negatively about you then that’s a different story as the issue will be the disagreements rather then the person.
In my opinion if you can’t speak to her about this then it’s time to move on as the break up will become a self fulfilling prophecy anyway.
NTA – she’ll never stop. It’s your business and you have a right to privacy. She’s majorly toxic by not acknowledging this as a breaking a boundary. Might be best to go in separate directions.
When I met my wife, I remember she’d vent to most of her friends about me. I found this out because of glances I’d get, or small comments from her friends that made me believe she was telling them stuff that I found to be personal.
The final straw was when we had an argument and she went on Facebook and made this big post about our issues.
I told her then and there, that’s not okay with me. I explained it’s OUR relationship, not her friends or facebooks. I was in my 20s and I felt the same way, like “maybe I’m being insecure, or whatever. Maybe I’m overthinking.”
But I’ve since learned that I was right. You can’t share your personal relationship info with everyone, cause misery loves company.
We all know there are men and women out there who’d prefer you be single like them(misery loves company), so they’ll tell you that what their partner is doing is unacceptable, just to push you out the door.
Give some examples of what she and her friends consider asshole behavior. Those details are weirdly left out and make a huge difference.