My friend and I are both in our early 30s, married and with kids. We met up for food one evening and we were catching up. So she does tend to compare her marriage to ours and mention how she has a great marriage in comparison. We normally meet as a trio and basically all three of us have issues when it comes to our husbands but our other friend and I are pretty honest because we trust each other. She will minimise and compare her husband to ours and basically say she’s better off in that way. Almost as if she’s self soothing when she says that. I tend to ignore it but I won’t lie it gets frustrating. Especially the passive aggressive comments.
This time it was just the two of us and she wanted me to update first on what had been happening with my husband . It seemed like she was working up to tell me her situation. Most likely because she knew her husband had done wrong and she gets quite defensive when it’s her marriage. Honestly I think it’s because image is quite important to her and her marriage obviously reflects that.
So I told her my bit and she shared that she was surprised that I wasn’t more bothered. She said that I seemed quite detached and I told her I guess I am. She expressed how she felt about it or my husband and I listened. Then she shared her situation that went over a few days. We actually were supposed to meet the other day but her husband sabotaged it and I was trying to give her grace but she minimised that too. He did something else which definitely crossed some lines. She expressed she was annoyed. I told her she was valid because it was out of line. She then was about to make an excuse for him and for the first time I called it out. I said to be honest you do minimise his actions sometimes. You do a lot for him, some would say too much for a man who weaponises certain things which you give a lot of allowances for.
She instantly got defensive saying this is why she doesn’t share problems with her friends anymore because then they make comments on her husband. And nobody understands that he does a lot for her too.
She told me she didn’t want opinions but just someone to listen. Then she turned around and asked my opinion of a favour she was going to do for him the next day despite them not talking. I asked her did she want my opinion or not because it’s hard for me to listen and not share how I feel and she went quiet.
She then started to talk about how she looks at others marriages where peoples wives are shut down because their husbands don’t communicate (clearly hinting at me) and she feels she’s still lucky. Her husband is pretty emotionally unavailable too but gives crumbs here and there which is what she comparing herself on the basis of. Now I’m wondering if I went too far.
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My friend and I are both in our early 30s, married and with kids. We met up for food one evening and we were catching up. So she has this thing that even work close friends she likes to act like she has the greatest marriage. We normally meet as a trio and basically all three of us have issues when it comes to our husbands but our other friend and I are pretty honest because we trust each other. She will minimise and compare her husband to ours and basically say she’s better off in that way. Almost as if she’s self soothing when she says that. I tend to ignore it but I won’t lie it gets frustrating. Especially the passive aggressive comments.
This time it was just the two of us and she wanted me to update first on what had been happening with my husband . It seemed like she was working up to tell me her situation. Most likely because she knew her husband had done wrong and she gets quite defensive when it’s her marriage. Honestly I think it’s because image is quite important to her and her marriage obviously reflects that.
So I told her my bit and she shared that she was surprised that I wasn’t more bothered. She said that I seemed quite detached and I told her I guess I am. She expressed how she felt about it or my husband and I listened. Then she shared her situation that went over a few days. We actually were supposed to meet the other day but her husband sabotaged it and I was trying to give her grace but she minimised that too. He did something else which definitely crossed some lines. She expressed she was annoyed. I told her she was valid because it was out of line. She then was about to make an excuse for him and for the first time I called it out. I said to be honest you do minimise his actions sometimes. You do a lot for him, some would say too much for a man who weaponises certain things which you give a lot of allowances for.
She instantly got defensive saying this is why she doesn’t share problems with her friends anymore because then they make comments on her husband. And nobody understands that he does a lot for her too.
She told me she didn’t want opinions but just someone to listen. Then she turned around and asked my opinion of a favour she was going to do for him the next day despite them not talking. I asked her did she want my opinion or not because it’s hard for me to listen and not share how I feel and she went quiet.
She then started to talk about how she looks at others marriages where peoples wives are shut down because their husbands don’t communicate (clearly hinting at me) and she feels she’s still lucky. Her husband is pretty emotionally unavailable too but gives crumbs here and there which is what she comparing herself on the basis of. Now I’m wondering if I went too far.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was a little blunt with my friend when she was sharing something and I feel I may have been too harsh and pushed her away.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Going to put aside either of the interactions with your husbands here because that isn’t the main focus of the issue. I’d say NTA here solely because it seems like she’s always been stating her opinions very openly, so how were you supposed to know that she didn’t want you to do the same unless she asked for it first?
Honestly though, I’d be wondering: is she really the kind of person you want to still be friends with? From this post alone it sounds like she’s judgmental, hypocritical, and puts down other people so she can feel better. It also sounds like she isn’t a great support for you.
It’s your choice what to do next, but at most I would apologize for misunderstanding the intention of her sharing things (to just vent, not hear opinions), and then state that you expect her to do the same and not make comments about your marriage when you discuss it. If she can’t deal with those terms, then she isn’t going to be a good person to keep around in the long term.
YTA for your post history alone.
You are the common demoninator in your friendships souring.
No one can answer this because it’s depending on the specific personalities of you and your friend. You are both right. You are at a “disadvantage” because you tell her the ugly stuff about your marriage and she judges based on that. And she’s right that sharing that stuff about her own marriage will open them up to judgment from others on the same basis. People have different comfort levels with this.
NTA
She asks how your relationships are and criticizes your husbands and then gets upset when you point out that she is minimizing his behavior??
She just wants to put everyone else down to make herself feel better.
You can’t change people like that.
ESH You all should get into marriage counselling that would be easier.
YTA it’s never a good idea to pass judgement on someone else’s relationship, at least not to their face. It’s normal for her protect her spouse enough that you can all socialize occasionally without her feeling like you’re putting him under a microscope because of what she’s divulged.
She can vent without inviting your opinion. And she can ask for your opinion when that’s what she wants. That doesn’t make her a hypocrite. It makes her a good communicator who states what she needs from a conversation. You’re the one who’s out of line by not respecting that.
When someone – anyone – is complaining, you should always ask if they want your opinion/advice or just need to vent. This is a very basic principle of supportive and respectful relationships.
So it sounds like you like to get together with your friends and play “who has the worst husband” and you’re upset because you don’t think one of your friends is playing the game fairly. I won’t say you’re an A-hole because of this, but the sort of person that plays these games at all is definitely an a-hole. At least some of your marital problems that you blame him for are of your own making.
You don’t give us enough details to know what the hell you’re talking about but you still want sympathy. And you’re weaponizing therapy speak.
Not even voting because you don’t deserve the attention.
ESH – bleeding boundaries, judging each other’s marriages. Stop talking about your husbands actions and see if you actually have anything to relate on.
This sounds like the friend group in the white Lotus season three, watch it, and you might find some commonalities
It’s impossible to tell because the details of what you’re both annoyed at in your marriages is not mentioned. Is it annoyance at having the toothpaste tube squeezed from the top or enforced financial control? Or is it just a lot “men, eh?” venting? One standby phrase I use when a friend is upset is to say “do you want advice or just to vent?” Sometimes it’s possible to start out wanting one thing and actually realising you need the other.