So I’m maybe an AH for how I (19M) spoke to my grandma about this and I want you all to be truthful with me. Starting with the BG

My bio mom and bio dad were married to other people, had kids and everything else and then they cheated on their spouses with each other and I was the end result. Their marriages broke down and they moved in together and the three of us lived like that until I was 2ish. Then their spouses were willing to take them back so the other kids could have their family back together.

I was still a problem though and the families were already very mixed. My dad had two stepkids, three kids with his wife and his wife’s niece. My mom had a bio stepkid, an adopted by her husband stepkid, and two kids with her husband and they sometimes had his sister’s four kids stay with them for extended periods as well as my mom’s bio nephew who they were raising since almost birth.

All of those kids knew what had happened and when my mom and dad went back to their spouses I was hated universally. The steps hated me just a little more than my halfs but my halfs still hated and rejected me too. All of them did. Even the kids who were nieces and nephews. None of them wanted anything to do with me and resented being near me. There were always fights about who had to sit next to me at dinner, or in the car and stuff like that. None of them would take photos that I might be in and some wider family did try to include me but backed off when they realized pushing for it or advocating for me meant losing everyone else.

I didn’t get treated the same by anyone, including my bio parents. And my stepparents would get angry any time I tried to ask them something or talk to them. My stepmom was worse than my stepdad in how she’d talk to me and how far she’d go. She wished me dead more times than I can count on both hands. If her and my dad ever fought it got worse and then the other kids at their house would be super angry at me for making their mom/aunt more stressed.

I was physically abused at times as well. It was never something I could see coming either. Sometimes someone was just in a pissy mood and seeing me made it worse. I was told that by lots of people. That just seeing or hearing me made them angry.

My mom’s parents used to sneak some supportive words my way when nobody was around. But they never tried to get me out of that situation either. They did babysit whenever both of my families went on vacations. Nobody on dad’s side would do it so mom’s parents were treated like the trashcan I could be left in until they came back.

By the time I was 15 I made a point of getting the best grades I could and finding out if I could escape via college. I was lucky to get a ton of help from a great guidance counselor who helped me get into college where I didn’t need any of my bio or step parents to help and it won’t leave me with mountains of debt either. I do have to work my ass off to keep my grades super high to stay but it’s worth the trade off.

When I moved out for college two years ago I was homeless until I got to my dorm and for holidays I went home with new friends, including last summer when I went home with my best friend. I did the same this year. And I’m working this summer and staying with my best friends family.

My grandma called me a few weeks ago and asked me if I’d come and visit and spend some time with my families. Grandpa died 2.5 years ago so it’s just her now. I told her I wouldn’t be welcome so no. But she asked me again last week and I asked her what she was thinking of asking me that and she said we can never reconcile if I don’t try. She said I can’t hold onto grudges because that’s how my childhood repeats. I told her I’d rather be dead than be around either of my families again. She had a reaction I can’t really describe but it was like upset and angry at the same time. She also said it wasn’t how I should talk to the one family member left who is nice to me.

I feel like nice isn’t enough and she didn’t care enough to save me. But she is older, a widow and she did reach out which is more than anyone else would do. So AITA?