I39f have been with my husband43 for 4 years. I have two children (14f and 10m)from previous relationships and he has a daughter16 from his ex wife. We get his daughter every other week, and I have tried very hard to bond with his daughter and getting our children to bond.
She has in the past, put her hands on both my children, blamed my 14 y.o for stealing things of hers, and even being aggressive. We’ve had to readjust our home so they had separate bedrooms because originally they shared a room, but it just became impossible. We brushed it off as them just not bonding well, it was fine, had long talks with both of them about the importance of getting along and us being a family. Then it began my 14 y.o got a new phone for her bday, my stepdaughter stole it and sold it.
Then the lies started about me where she’d go home and tell her mother how I did this and that to her, that I punished her for no reason (I have never done the discipline towards her that is all my husband.) or one time she told her I cursed her out, her mother came here screaming.
The most recent time is, she told my husband she saw me with my coworker who I dated for a short period in college(my husband has always been a little worried and I do my best to keep him reassured nothing going on.) She told him that she saw us in a parking lot at the bar, and then showed him some receipt I had in my room from where I went to the bar with my female friend, who my female friend had photos of us that night so I showed him those anyways this became a huge argument for days, before I got those photos, to the point of him threatening to confront my coworker and ask him himself. Finally she admitted she lied, and my husband grounded her.
I was really angry by this, this was my final straw and I sat my husband down and calmly explained my worries about my stepdaughter, I told him how I believed she needed therapy, or he was going to have to adjust his custody agreement because I could no longer live like this. He got really angry, said she was just jealous teenager and acting out, called me an ah for suggesting that, and I said well I’m going to have to think what I’m going to do from here.
He’s been quiet with me and still has made comments how I was trying to make him “choose” between us. I wasn’t. AITA?
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I39f have been with my husband43 for 4 years. I have two children (14f and 10m)from previous relationships and he has a daughter16 from his ex wife. We get his daughter every other week, and I have tried very hard to bond with his daughter and getting our children to bond.
She has in the past, put her hands on both my children, blamed my 14 y.o for stealing things of hers, and even being aggressive. We’ve had to readjust our home so they had separate bedrooms because originally they shared a room, but it just became impossible. We brushed it off as them just not bonding well, it was fine, had long talks with both of them about the importance of getting along and us being a family. Then it began my 14 y.o got a new phone for her bday, my stepdaughter stole it and sold it.
Then the lies started about me where she’d go home and tell her mother how I did this and that to her, that I punished her for no reason (I have never done the discipline towards her that is all my husband.) or one time she told her I cursed her out, her mother came here screaming.
The most recent time is, she told my husband she saw me with my coworker who I dated for a short period in college(my husband has always been a little worried and I do my best to keep him reassured nothing going on.) She told him that she saw us in a parking lot at the bar, and then showed him some receipt I had in my room from where I went to the bar with my female friend, who my female friend had photos of us that night so I showed him those anyways this became a huge argument for days, before I got those photos, to the point of him threatening to confront my coworker and ask him himself. Finally she admitted she lied, and my husband grounded her.
I was really angry by this, this was my final straw and I sat my husband down and calmly explained my worries about my stepdaughter, I told him how I believed she needed therapy, or he was going to have to adjust his custody agreement because I could no longer live like this. He got really angry, said she was just jealous teenager and acting out, called me an ah for suggesting that, and I said well I’m going to have to think what I’m going to do from here.
He’s been quiet with me and still has made comments how I was trying to make him “choose” between us. I wasn’t. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My stepdaughter has caused havoc multiple times in our home. I told my husband he needs to take her to therapy or adjust his custody agreement. He said I was trying to make him choose between us and calling me an ah. I may be the ah bc it’s his daughter
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
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I’m going to have to go with ESH. Why did you marry him? Why did he marry you? Why would you think for one second, your stepdaughter should share a room with your daughter? I hate how Reddit jumps to divorce for everything but I can’t see how this is ever going to be functional.
He best figure this out with his daughter before he has another ex-wife because that is daddy’s little girl’s goal so mommy and daddy and daughter can be a happy family again.
The therapy option isn’t a bad idea
You’re not the asshole for expressing your concern but how you express it is also another thing to consider we’re talking about his daughter here
You should have separated the first time she hit your kids. YTA if you keep putting them through this nonsense.
Even with therapy, it’s not going to get better. YTA to yourself if you keep your kids in that relationship.
NTA, however more than getting you’re step daughter in therapy, it sounds like you need family and couples counseling. This isn’t just impacting you, it’s hurting your children as well and from what you’ve written your husband hasn’t taken any serious steps to address it.
There has to be some action taken to help remedy the situation. Really ask yourself if you can continue living like this for another 2 years minimum, how will that affect your children and their sense of safety in their own home?
She’s accused you of cheating, of verbal abuse, what else will she accuse you of? Is your husband worth putting yourself and your children through this for however much longer?
Really think on what you want your life to be, if you and your kids are happy in this situation, and if not, what will you do if nothing changing on your husband and step daughters end?
NTA the situation is not tenable in its current state, as she is causing real harm to all her relationships, including her own mother if she is lying to her.
I perhaps would have initially just stuck with saying she needs to see a therapist rather than the custody agreement part. But I understand you are at your wits end and frankly just trying to protect your own children and yourself.
But the part where you’ve said you’re making him choose. The answer is that he needs to make a choice to do something which makes a difference or you cannot stay. Those are the facts you’ve given her plenty chances and it’s not as if your banning her from his life.
What were you suggesting the custody arrangement be adjusted to? I think that is the biggest piece of info to determine if you are the AH. That being said, short of some miracle where his daughter starts acting right, this marriage is doomed. You simply cannot compromise your way out of a bad relationship with his child – even if, ESPECIALLY if – it’s her fault for causing the chaos in the household and she isn’t willing to have a cordial relationship with you or your kids. He is likely not going to choose you over his daughter (and he shouldnt). It doesnt sound like he sees the situation the same as you do and doesnt think it’s a problem and therefore is likely unwilling to take any corrective action or seek help/therapy for his child. You’ll be divorced in 2 years. I guarantee it.
You are trying to make him choose – every word you spoke was him having to make a choice. Therapy would be a good choice. Him giving in to his lying scheming daughter – a bad choice. If he refuses all choices – then that is a choice in itself. You have to make choices too. Your children should be at the front of those decisions. Then make yours you are NTA if that is what you have to do.
YTA for letting your children suffer her for so long. Leave, for their sake.
ESH in this situation, except for your children. They’re the victims in all of this. It was unrealistic for you and your husband to expect a ‘happy’ family, like the Brady Bunch. You should have been standing up for your children better this entire time. The first time Step Daughter hit/stole something big from my kids, I would be out of that house and only came back if she had proper consequences with steps in therapy. Your husband is even worse, believing her lies and making you take the brunt of all that anger. He’s taught her that she can get away with this stuff without consequences and she’s escalating to destroy your boundaries. For the sake of your kids, heavily consider divorce please.
NTA you’re not asking him to choose between his daughter an you. He has to choose between getting her the help she clearly needs or adjusting the custody so you can also live in the home. Lying as she has been is dangerous and can cause long term consequences. The next lie could cost you a job or custody of your kids. If his priority is not getting his daughter the help she clearly needs for her damaging behaviour then you are right to reassess if this is a home/ relationship you want to stay a part of. Would you want your daughter to stay in a relationship like yours as it is?
NTA. You’re not making him choose between you and your SD. You’re making him choose between you and whether he has what it takes to get her the help she clearly needs. If anything, you’re the only one here taking it seriously that she’s clearly going through something and needs help figuring herself out. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but again you might have the best luck getting through to him by framing it that way.
Protect yourself and your children and make him seen that he needs to step up for his daughter AND you.
Therapy is necessary for all of you. In the meantime she cannot be unsupervised in your home. He must be with her at all times.
NTA and if he thinks you’re making him choose, then he’s not seeing clearly. His child has been violent, lying, and stealing. Those are not normal behaviors and need to be addressed in therapy. This is more than “acting out because the parents divorced.” Furthermore, with the extent of her actions, I would also test her for substance abuse as children her age do get into things like that when they experience things like this.
Good luck and I hope your husband comes around.
Jealous teenager? I have seen where this behavior lasts into their 20s and 30s.
I suggest professional family counseling for all, including his ex when the time is right. Let the counselor determine the course and timing of actions.
NTA. Good luck.