Ok I know the title sounds bad, but read first then judge. I 41(f) am married to my husband 35(m) for 3 1/2 years now. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and we have no shared children. He absolutely hates his ex wife. Complains about her endlessly. Expects me to hate her like he does. I don’t really know her. Just what he has told me, and it’s very one sided.
They both just went through custody issues because he thinks she’s unfit. In the end, he basically lost. She had evidence of him verbally abusing the kids. I never knew this had happened. I didn’t get to see or hear whatever it was, but it must have been bad. He does have a temper. A bad one.
I don’t always agree with his way of parenting, and when I try to intervene, I get yelled at. This past weekend we had the kids and took them to his son’s soccer game. Their mother was there. His daughter went and sat with mother and he became very upset. Was complaining about it being his weekend and that mother doesn’t get to spend time with kids on his time. I understand why he’s upset, but also, it was a public event. Mother is allowed to attend these just like he is if mother brings the kids. This went on for about 20 minutes. Other parents were looking at him because he was cursing about it as well. He then asked me to go stand behind mother and daughter and find out what they are talking about and take pictures. That’s when I told him his kids were not my responsibility. He got mad and wouldn’t speak to me the rest of the game. So now I’m thinking I might be the AH because I didn’t just do what he asked.
Comments
YTA… for what you said and how you said it. If you refused to spy, if you corrected him, but you didn’t
Don’t like kids, don’t marry someone with them, you agreed to help him, it’s in the vows, that includes his responsibility to his kids, sure you’re a step mom… so the parenting responsibility is lighter but there’s not nothing.
Not excusing his behavior, and he a AH, sadly this is your family dynamic
Edited to clarify
Why are you with a man that’s abusive to his kids? And you? Does he have good money or something? Like, one thing is turning a blind eye to being abused, it’s another doing it when it comes to kids..
NTA but he is. He’s wrapped in red flags.
I think your response was perfect. His request to stalk & spy on his child & her mother was totally unreasonable. The court has already made the decision of custody. If he wants to change that, that’s his responsibility.
NTA
Edit
Yta you said yes to marriage should know she if step parent not just being in the picture once u legal tied you should already be emotionally tied to husband kids look after them like they’re own blood.
NTA. You weren’t refusing to care for his children, you were refusing to participate in unhealthy, damaging behavior. And honestly, that was the right call. His kids need at least one adult in the picture who isn’t escalating the drama.
Yta you said yes to marriage should know she if step parent not just being in the picture once u legal tied you should already be emotionally tied to husband kids look after them like they’re own blood.
So your problem was that you don’t want to take responsibility for his kids, not that you objected to feeding his resentment by acting as a spy for him? That makes you sound like a bit of an AH. He’s definitely an AH, and I don’t understand why you’re with him.
ESH
The only reason I’ll say everyone sucks hear is the statement made. Even if he has children from a prior marriage or not, the second you married that man his children are a partial responsibility / or should be. Obviously, that goes both ways where you can’t be expected to be in a parenting role one minute, then scolded for it the next.
I think he sucks because he shouldn’t spend his entire time bitching about his ex wife to you, and surely shouldn’t put you in the middle of their problems. If he has an issue, it should be between them. He doesn’t sound very mature though, and looks like he still struggles to co-parent if the mom can’t even attend a game or talk to her kid on his time.
Uh… I think ESH, except the kids. Like he sounds like a bad person, but you also should be trying to help the kids even if they aren’t yours, cause you married someone with kids. I’m not saying you should’ve done what he asked, cause that’s him being controlling, but you should be more proactive about trying to make sure they’re okay. Also the mom sounds like she’s not paying enough attention either. So…
Yeah, ESH.
I’m a little concerned about your husband. Really bad temper, long term grudges, lack of flexibility, verbal abuse of children. How is YOUR relationship? My kid was long term dating a women with children, and mom sounds like Dad in this case — they way the children were treated was pretty indicative of how my kid was treated. It wasn’t a good situation. My kid got out when she assaulted them. I see bigger issues than this. Could be wrong, but it looks like a difficult situation at best.
Edit: stalking kids while talking to Mom is uncool. It’s not that it’s not your responsibility. It’s just a wrong thing to do!!
You should have asked to know more about your husband/his past before shacking up with him!
YTA wrong sentence for the context. NTA for not leaning into his childish behavior.
Run.
My father was just like this – incredibly verbally abusive towards not just children but also his wife.
Controlling, anger issues, abusive – sounds like a real winner. Is this a person you really want to be with?
This whole situation is… YIKES. NTA
NTA for not wanting to spy on his ex wife and daughter.
But this man sounds abusive. He’s making a scene at his child’s soccer game because his daughter wants to sit with her mom. He lost custody due to verbal abuse, and now he wants you to collect evidence to continue this battle and try to make his ex wife look bad… He constantly bad mouths his ex wife, presumably does so in front of his children given his past actions.
NTA for not wanting to go spy on his ex-wife, but is this behaviour not very concerning to you? This man sounds like he could be dangerous and a threat to his ex wife. I’d be worried for my own safety if I was in your position. If something changes, will he obsessively hate you? And is it not worrisome to you how poorly he treats his kids and his inability to have a cordial dynamic with his ex wife for the sake of the children’s wellbeing?
So many glaring red flags you seem to be ignoring.
Seriously he sounds like a man child, he needs counseling issues
NTA
You are not the asshole for not spying on your husbands ex, but you might be an asshole for even being in this situation in some sort of sense morally supporting this man. Because he is clearly toxic. His children might not be your responsibility, but can you really stand behind a man that abuses his children?
Surely, you must know you are NTA. This guy hates his ex, yells at his kids, makes it really hard to co-parent and verbally abuses you. I wouldn’t have listened to him and maybe have left the game. Please re-evaluate if you want to be with a man like this.
Woah! So many red flags here! Firstly I could never date someone that’s disrespectful/abusive to the mother of his children. This also sounds like he only wants the kids to punish her. Dump his ass! You deserve better. NTA
NTA
You are married to a HUGE RED FLAG. Hes an abusive POS…
RUN from this man. And be 100% sure you dont have kids with him.
This sounds like a tenuous relationship. You admitting he has a “bad temper” is also bothersome.
Yikes, dude, your husband has the emotional maturity of an adolescent.
wow, you snagged yourself a real gem, huh? are you that desperate for a man? YTA for marrying this loser. enjoy your life. I bet you also pay all the bills too, lol….how pathetic
NTA, but your husband certainly is. He has a foul temper. He yells at his kids. He yells at you. He is an asshole and is likely to just get worse.
YWBTA if you stuck around and allowed yourself to be treated this way. Run far and fast – and warn the ex-wife, though I’m guessing she already knows.
Don’t have children of your own please, as when you leave him due to all this abuse (that temper has already turned on you by the sounds of it), he will absolutely hate you too and dedicate more of his energy to stalking and tormenting you.
If you have children with him, you’ll never be free of him, the way that she is tied to him forever to punish as he likes for the sin of, I don’t know, existing?!
Girl, come the duck on. 🙄
NTA, but you will be an a-hole to yourself if you stay with this guy. He yells at you, curses at public events, does not want you intervening where his kids are concerned but then gives you the silent treatment because you did not want to engage in spying on his child and ex, which is toxic af.
Another AI ragebait…
NTA he sounds like a very angry man that gets angrier when he doesn’t get his way. Very self centered. I’m glad to hear that he didn’t get custody from the mom if he was proven to be verbally abusing them. You’re NTA for refusing to spy on his ex wife
SURELY being alone with peace, quiet, and a vibrator is a better option than this guy.
NTA. You didn’t say his kids aren’t your responsibility to be cruel you said it because he crossed a line. Asking you to spy on his daughter and ex-wife at a public soccer game is invasive and inappropriate. You’ve been in these kids’ lives for years, and it sounds like you’ve tried to be supportive, even when you don’t agree with his parenting. But when you try to speak up, he shuts you down. Now he expects you to act like a pawn in his custody drama? That’s not fair to you. You’re not rejecting the children you’re rejecting being dragged into a toxic dynamic that you didn’t create. And honestly, the fact that he lost custody due to verbal abuse and never told you about it is a huge red flag. You’re allowed to set boundaries. You’re allowed to say, “I’m here to support, not to escalate conflict.” That’s not being heartless that’s being sane. If he’s more focused on punishing his ex than parenting his kids, that’s something he needs to work on. You’re not the bad guy for refusing to play detective. You’re the only one acting like an adult in this situation.
imagine bypassing the glaring red flag about how poorly he speaks of his ex, and getting married anyway
” He got mad and wouldn’t speak to me the rest of the game. So now I’m thinking I might be the AH because I didn’t just do what he asked.”
READ THAT AGAIN….
He’s an abusive puke. To everyone. His ex. His kids. You.
Strangers at the fucking field.
And yet somehow you think you can manage his feelings by just doing what he asked?
You are enabling him to be his worst possible self.
See a therapist and GTFO.
OR GTFO and then the a therapist.
Like my ex husband, this guy has no business being married to ANYONE.
YTA to yourself for staying with this angry, abusive man.
He is an entire parade of red flags.
NTA but why would you be with a guy like this?
You are both the asshole here.
I guarantee he bitched about his ex before you were married, as well as all the other behaviors you are listing here, and you married him anyway.
You willingly became a stepmother, which is objectively harder than being a mom, if you weren’t up for the job you shouldn’t have married a single dad.
These inncoent little kids are stuck in this nightmare, I hope they get good therapy, and make it out of this nightmare alright.
Good lord he is unhinged. Run for the hills. NTA
NTA. Your husband is 100% the problem. He hates his ex for leaving him because she was sick of his narcissistic and abusive behavior. I don’t understand why you stay with him.
Nta, so long as you realise that you’re next for the abuse and should plot an escape vector -now-
NTA for refusing.
I am wondering about your judgement in staying with this man.
You pretty much just wrote a list of red flags here… Get out now!
NTA but I don’t understand why you are staying with an abusive partner.
You have larger issues than his children. Youre with an abusive spouse who also abuses his children. This will not get better for you.
You’re going to eventually regret this marriage, but good luck. All the red flags are there and you’re ignoring them.
That banner is whipping in the breeze.
Maybe you should join the ex-while club too.
🚩 tell me again why you are with someone who verbally abuses children and his wife ? seek some therapy cuz this ain’t right
NTAH for this instance, but the AH to yourself if you stay with him. Please see this man for who he is, and don’t try to defend him like so many other women would.
“Besides this horribly abusive behavior, he’s the most amazing and loving man!” He’s not. He’s abusive. Leave him.
From the information on your post I believe he is the bad parent and the issue at this point. I am not sure why they broke up, but I doubt he wanted it because he is so angry at her and the situation. It is also telling his daughter wanted to sit with her mother, not him. I would take care with him, he is a step away from lashing out at you….maybe even violence. He is still relatively young…I would want to know what happened in his marriage. I suspect immaturity and violence, and/or cheating. Not that his wife did behave badly should could have, but he is not recovery from the pain, even after a new marriage.
I would suggest counseling to him.
What in the name of all that is good are you doing with this excuse of a “man”? Seriously?
Seriously? YTA for being with him.
Yikes why the hell you marry this abusive guy. You know he’s making you look bad right?
Run.
I’m pretty sure you’re married to my ex-husband, but we had custody of the kids and I was their full time mother. Baby Mama and I had a good working relationship, but ExAH did everything he could to sabotage it because he hated BM and couldn’t be civilized even for the sake of his children.
You are NTA. Your husband, on the other hand, is a raging hemorrhoidal AH.
He wanted you to be his flying monkey. Good for you for not caving in.
Mam are you not embarrassed to be with a grown infant? There’s no way I’d be questioning myself about this lol matter of fact he could lose my number after that embarrassing behavior