I just got back from a overnight trip that was completely chaotic and was feeling very overwhelmed after asking my kids multiple times to do chores and not being listened to, so I went to my room to just cry out all the emotions.
Every time someone came in I told them I wanted to be left alone for a few moments and my husband decided to just stay in the room and continue to get ready for bed. He then starts bugging me asking what wrong and after several times of telling him I just want to be left alone I finally told him.
I expressed how I have to keep up with everything, appointments, finances etc and how no one was listening and how I fought with my son on what was supposed to be to be a fun trip and how I feel like I screwed up and feel like no one appreciates me. I complained about how he gets light duty at work after hurting his shoulder while I’m in excruciating pain I have to continue on like normal with no rest or restrictions. (I have multiple chronic illnesses)
He then went off on me about how he’s still working even though he’s on light duty and that they tried to get the house clean before I got back and everyone pitched in (they did not it was just my oldest daughter bc she got tired of littles messing up behind her) and how everything always has to be about me.
The house was clean when I got home but by bedtime it was just a little messy and would’ve taken less then 5min if they had listened. I told him that and that nothing is about me I just need a freaking break and as I walked out of the room I told him I don’t know why I’ve stayed with him this long.
He text me telling me he didn’t appreciate me talking down to him but all I did was tell him how I felt after telling him I wanted to be alone for a few minutes. He also text that he’s not doing this to night and gave a short goodnight which is unlike him. I slept in the living room. He normally sets my meds out for me in the mornings and didn’t do that or tell me bye.
Also I feel for context in my frustrations this is important to add, I’m a homeschool mom of 6 with multiple chronic illnesses. AITA for just needing a moment, for telling him exactly how I felt in tears?
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I just got back from a overnight trip that was completely chaotic and was feeling very overwhelmed after asking my kids multiple times to do chores and not being listened to, so I went to my room to just cry out all the emotions. Every time someone came in I told them I wanted to be left alone for a few moments and my husband decided to just stay in the room and continue to get ready for bed. He then starts bugging me asking what wrong and after several times of telling him I just want to be left alone I finally told him. I expressed how I have to keep up with everything, appointments, finances etc and how no one was listening and how I fought with my son on what was supposed to be to be a fun trip and how I feel like I screwed up and feel like no one appreciates me. I complained about how he gets light duty at work after hurting his shoulder while I’m in excruciating pain I have to continue on like normal with no rest or restrictions. (I have multiple chronic illnesses) he then went off on me about how he’s still working even though he’s on light duty and that they tried to get the house clean before I got back and everyone pitched in (they did not it was just my oldest daughter bc she got tired of littles messing up behind her) and how everything always has to be about me. The house was clean when I got home but by bedtime it was just a little messy and would’ve taken less then 5min if they had listened. I told him that and that nothing is about me I just need a freaking break and as I walked out of the room I told him I don’t know why I’ve stayed with him this long. He text me telling me he didn’t appreciate me talking down to him but all I did was tell him how I felt after telling him I wanted to be alone for a few minutes. He also text that he’s not doing this to night and gave a short goodnight which is unlike him. I slept in the living room. He normally sets my meds out for me in the mornings and didn’t do that or tell me bye. Also I feel for context in my frustrations this is important to add, I’m a homeschool mom of 6 with multiple chronic illnesses. AITA for just needing a moment, for telling him exactly how I felt in tears?
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> I told my husband exactly how I felt. I might be the asshole for saying that.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. Your husband for insisting you tell him, and then arguing with you about it instead of just listening. And you, well, it was all fine until you told him that you don’t know why you stay with him. That’s a threat. Is that what you intended? Not surprising that he’s backed off.
ESH. Neither of you are coming across well here. You complaining about him getting light duty at work due to an injury is shitty. Him dismissing your feelings is shitty.
> The house was clean when I got home but by bedtime it was just a little messy and would’ve taken less then 5min if they had listened.
feels like this wasn’t worth such a fight.
> also text that he’s not doing this to night and gave a short goodnight which is unlike him.
Well, you told him that you didn’t know why you’d stayed with him this long. Was he supposed to come cuddle you or send you a love poem to tell you goodnight?
You’re NTA for needing a break or expressing that – but you told him that you don’t know why you’ve been with him for this long and then are surprised that he didn’t set your meds out for you? That’s not ok. You clearly see value in the things he does for you and then made a comment that made him feel terrible. It’s not ok to devalue someone like that. Especially someone who does things that show that they care. You mentioned yourself it was tidy when you got home.
It’s ok to have big feelings. It’s not ok to hurt other people with them.
Edit to add: rereading this your husband spent the time you were on a trip looking after multiple children on his own. He was probably exhausted too and you unloaded on him by telling him you don’t know why you’ve been with him this long. It sounds like he pulls his weight. YTA.
INFO: why are you homeschooling if it’s such a struggle for you with all those kids?
NTA.
YTA, you came home from a trip to a clean home when your husband was taking care of the kids alone.
Instead of engaging with your family after being away, you decided to cry about it alone and then told your husband (who likely needed and deserved a break) that he doesn’t do anything at work or home and you don’t know why you’re with him.
You honestly think you’re the victim here??
You have 6 kids who you homeschool who are not listening to you. Perhaps this needs to change and you need to consider public school. Give the children consequences for not listening. Find their currency & take that away when they don’t clean up after themselves. NTA but you are choosing a path that causes you to be overwhelmed.
I have a strong feeling that OP does indeed make everything about themself. Example 1; Literally jealous that someone gets light duty after an injury, if you indeed have multiple chronic illnesses sounds like you need to be on disability, which is your prerogative not your husbands. Example 2, after being a total asshole telling him you don’t know why you stuck around this long you want him to shower you with verbal affection and take care of you. All for the high crime of noticing you snapping at the kids wanting space and asking what is wrong. At least now he knows how little you value the relationship and can plan accordingly.
Send your kids to school. You and your husband are both medically fragile – why take on an unnecessary burden of trying to be an educator and a parent when it’s too much.
NTA for sharing your feelings but YTA for making choices to make life hard and then not changing what you can.
OP, I don’t know how you do it. Staying with 6 kids and home and doing everything for them is stressful on it’s own. Your full-time job never stops, mom, teacher, housekeeper, bookkeeper, chauffeur, etc. What exactly does your husband do but work light duty. How often does he help with kids and house? It seems like your husband is trying, but you’re asking for more help. You definitely said words that hurt him. You are slightly the AH.
Sounds like you were having a mental breakdown. You should really seek therapy. Maybe a therapist can help with better communication. Best of luck.
NTA
You knew you were emotional and sequestered yourself to keep them contained. He pestered you until you told him exactly what was upsetting you. Then he got pissy when you told him. That’s on him. Maybe he should have respected your stated desire for space.
YTA
Not for unloading your feelings…but for so many other things.
1 – Included in your emotions were lash outs to your husband:
– Even though he was alone with 5 kids for 2 days he kept the house clean, but you were pissed it was a little messy before bed
– ‘no one listens’
– ‘not fair to ME that your work gives you light duty for your injury while you don’t get the same releif (how exactly is this his fault?)
2 – You said ‘I don’t kow why I’ve stayed with you this long?’ Girl WHAT???
3 – What are YOU doing to help your own situation? Why on earth homeschooling 6 kids when you have chronic illnesses? Send them to school and boom….there’s your break?
4 – Venting is one thing, lashing out is another. You lashed out, you were hurtful, questioned your marriage like HE is hte problem, and you’re wondering why he didn’t set your meds out or say goodbye???
You need some therapy to work through your sadness and overwhelm, and maybe someone can give you some objective views on how you can improve yourself so you aren’t so burned out. You deserve happiness too but sometimes you need to look inwards at what YOU’RE doing to make your own life so miserable.
Hope you still have a husband to enjoy your new happiness with because yeesh….
NTA.
I’ve never understood ppl who ask what’s wrong, then get offended and start invalidating. It’s disrespectful and cruel. Esp when it’s so, so easy to just offer a hug and some reassurance. That’s what we do when we love someone. Instead, he punished you.
I know that you’re getting flack for the last bit, but it’s a valid thing to think about when a partner isn’t there for you. This obv isn’t the first time. And at that point in the convo, it would be unfair to expect you to coddle his feelings.
Clarifying info. We made the decision to homeschool from day one and I’ve been doing it for 13years now. This part doesn’t feel draining in itself but I rarely get time to myself to just be. I don’t feel like it’s a stretch to ask for a break once in a while.
He didn’t watch the kids or clean the house, my oldest daughter did those things.
I didn’t expect him to do anything. It could’ve all just been left with no text or anything and us just take our space. I recognize I shouldn’t have said anything when I left the room, that was an asshole move. He’s never left for work without telling me bye though and maybe I deserved it.
This was after being home for several hours and spending time exchanging stories as a family of all the things, our side and theirs so everyone.
Imma say nta you don’t get to ask what’s wrong and then get upset by the answer. My bf is an avoidant so he gets super defensive at literally the smallest thing (were working on it) and he used to do this and I told him you can’t ask me what’s wrong and then get upset with me when I tell you. He should’ve left you alone in the first place but after he asked what was wrong he should’ve been there for support.
6 kids I bet that oldest daughter is parentified if she’s the only one cleaning up you have a sexism issue caused by the imbalance in the relationship and your kids see it.
So you resent that he gets light duty when hurt but bc you’re the stay at home you feel like you don’t get to do light duty bc who will pick up the slack. You told him this and he offered no support but defensive tactics and I would also be asking myself why I’m with this person.
It’s not a threat to ask why you’re with someone. It’s not a threat to leave. Everyone should always be allowed to leave and if someone was with me just because they thought they couldn’t leave I’d hate that more. He should be taking this as an opportunity to step up and show he cares about you and also that he’s capable of picking up your slack but instead he made it worse. I’d think about who is carrying who here. Get a job and send the kids to school. Homeschool is fucked up anyway those kids are usually emotionally stunted from a lack of different social situations.
You are the one making your load heavy, drop the load. If no one picks it up then you know your value. Make your boys do all the chores your oldest daughter is doing or they’ll be incompetent assholes. Make it work for you no one else will.
YTA.
Step 1: Stop having any more kids, for goodness sake.
Step 2: Don’t homeschool the 6 you do have. While homeschooling does have it’s place, having it happen with 6 kids of all different ages is just too much while you are also a full time housekeeper, cook, secretary (managing appointments / household inventory) and chauffeur.
Step 3: Appreciate your husband for keeping the money coming in. You and your 6 kids need $$ for the roof over your head, the food you eat, and the Healthcare you receive. Don’t downplay what your spouse does; he likely feels a lot of stress too.
Step 4: Communicate! Talk with your husband and kids in a healthy manner, don’t bottle it all up inside.
Step 5: Delegate some responsibility onto kids, while following up to check on them. Reward if you can with special hangout time or a day out or something, maybe an allowance if the chore list is significant. For example starting at 10 years old, kids could clean catboxes 2x a week to teach them about being responsible pet owners. In return, they might get to go see a movie with you once every few weeks or something.
Oof what a mixed bag. Some of these things make you TA, some not.
-asking for space and being upset when you’re denied it is understandable BUT you also camped out in your shared bedroom and got upset that your husband came in to get ready for bed. It’s his space too and if he needs to go to bed you can’t make him leave
-being frustrated that you manage everything yourself is always understandable but you end this by saying he usually leaves your medications out for you so clearly he is helping
-you’re jealous that he’s on light duty?!? I don’t see how this is his fault
-you’re homeschooling 6 kids while struggling with chronic illnesses? 6 kids that apparently don’t listen to you? Maybe it’s time they go to school and you can focus on feeling better?
Work on your communication, seems like you allowed a lot of stuff to get bottled up, and maybe that’s out of fear of fighting, but you gotta fight for the love you want. But you have to learn how to do it in a way that everyone wins. It’s exhausting at first but learn to communication a way that gets shit done. Maybe that’s means you have to improve things about who you are, NOT what you do.
YTA. You sound completely exhausting and now that you said it out loud, he’s probably wondering why he’s stayed with you for so long also.
You also don’t get to kick him out of his own bedroom. If you want a few minutes of privacy, do it somewhere that’s not a shared space.
YTA
>He also text that he’s not doing this to night and gave a short goodnight which is unlike him. I slept in the living room. He normally sets my meds out for me in the mornings and didn’t do that or tell me bye.
>
as I walked out of the room I told him I don’t know why I’ve stayed with him this long.
You told him you didn’t want to be married to him anymore. So why would he give you the husband treatment? You don’t get to say those things and not feel the consequences of that. You hurt him. You took your frustration and turned it into a marriage altering statement. Your frustrations are real, and common to all parents. Parenting is a thankless job, for everyone, moms and dads. It’s normal to feel frustrated by that. It’s normal feel extra frustrated when you feel one spouse isn’t carrying their weight in the household. But it’s not ok to tell the person you say you love that you don’t know why you stayed.
The problem isn’t that you told him how you felt. The problem is you dropped one hell of a bomb on him and still expect him to show up for you. You don’t get to have both.
You’re doing all the mental load labor, and homeschooling, and working. Your oldest daughter is doing work your husband should be doing. Parents are children’s models for how families work. What are your kids learning from watching you and your sister do all the household labor? Do you think your sons will be good partners?
What a tough one. I’m not going to give a judgement because I don’t really think any of them fit.
I think, moving forward, you need to have a calm conversation with your husband where you explain the “don’t know why I’m with you” line for starters. That’s something you need to reflect on too. If the relationship is moving forward, you need to make it clear that when you say you need time to yourself to just cry and have that moment that he needs to not push you to talk. You need to tell him that you will talk to him when/if you want to. Tell him he can ask once and if you say you just need space he needs to leave you alone in those moments. And then stick to that. Agree to communicate when you’re both feeling stable, not when one of you is in tears saying they need space. Nothing productive will come of that for either of you. You both need to be able to think before you speak and that’s not possible when you’re in that state of distress. Look up emotion mind/logic mind/wise mind!
You sound overwhelmed and moving into resentment. I have no idea what you need to do in terms of your family, I’m not going to pretend I do. You just need to reflect on where your relationship is at and think about what can be changed to help lighten your load.
YTA