40(f) husband is 37(m) we have 4 children together, but 6 kids total. Ages 6, 3, 1, 6 months. I am the sole provider. He has been a SAHD since 1 month before baby was born. I was also home until baby was 4.5 months old.
Had a high risk pregnancy and insulin dependent. I went to all appts alone while he stayed with the kids. Needed an emergency c section, and also a BF mom. The other kids were also breastfed so nothing really new
I didn’t get much help personally from my husband as he was managing the kids up dressed fed etc. I was getting up on my own, showering on my own, feeding, caring for the newborn on my own without his help even though it was hard and painful. I drove the newborn to multiple appointments while he stayed back with the other kids. I would also go pick up our 6yo from school. I wasn’t supposed to be driving or lifting, but I did to balance out what he did for the other kids. I was up at night with the newborn, and at times I’d sleep in until around 930 then come downstairs to be around the other kids and him. If I asked for help he’d immediately hand the baby back to me, and say things like “the baby doesn’t like me” or “there’s nothing I can do with the baby”.
After a month PP, the 1 yo would nap from 12-3, sometimes the 3yo would nap the same time, or if not would have quiet time and wasn’t any trouble. I’d still take kids to appointments, pick up 6yo from school, organized all clothes and separated them as we used hand me downs. Meal prepped 30 freezer meals, managed and paid all the bills, got the groceries. He’d leave for the gym the second the 1 yo would lay for nap. Come back, nap, wake up for me to get 6 yo from school. Once I returned. He’d leave with 6yo until 5-530pm. I’d try to have dinner ready in between nursing the newborn and the other littles. Then begin bedtime routines. If I tried to sneak away for a shower I’d still come back down to a screaming baby.
Once I went back to work, I kept asking what can I do to help. I’d still leave work early to pick up 6yo. He kept saying there’s nothing I can do. So I believed him. When i got home from work i would be bombarded by the kids. I’d prep dinner for them and helped with bedtime routine. I wouldnt be able to change out of my work clothes until around 9pm. After being back at work for all of 10 working days, he decided he needed to leave for a while out of state to his family. Leaving me to find daycare for the kids while I’m still working full time. While he was away his parents paid for his ticket, gave him money, got new shoes, went golfing with a friend.
He returns and tells me that he left because I was wrong for not helping him and he was burnt out because I was being lazy and I just wanted to sit and hold the baby all day everyday and that I do nothing to help him. He said I “took advantage of him”. I told him i dont believe I’m wrong and that I don’t believe it is a right or wrong situation, we were both doing what we can. AITA
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40(f) husband is 37(m) we have 4 children together, but 6 kids total. Ages 6, 3, 1, 6 months. I am the sole provider. He has been a SAHD since 1 month before baby was born. I was also home until baby was 4.5 months old.
Had a high risk pregnancy and insulin dependent. I went to all appts alone while he stayed with the kids. Needed an emergency c section, and also a BF mom. The other kids were also breastfed so nothing really new
I didn’t get much help personally from my husband as he was managing the kids up dressed fed etc. I was getting up on my own, showering on my own, feeding, caring for the newborn on my own without his help even though it was hard and painful. I drove the newborn to multiple appointments while he stayed back with the other kids. I would also go pick up our 6yo from school. I wasn’t supposed to be driving or lifting, but I did to balance out what he did for the other kids. I was up at night with the newborn, and at times I’d sleep in until around 930 then come downstairs to be around the other kids and him. If I asked for help he’d immediately hand the baby back to me, and say things like “the baby doesn’t like me” or “there’s nothing I can do with the baby”.
After a month PP, the 1 yo would nap from 12-3, sometimes the 3yo would nap the same time, or if not would have quiet time and wasn’t any trouble. I’d still take kids to appointments, pick up 6yo from school, organized all clothes and separated them as we used hand me downs. Meal prepped 30 freezer meals, managed and paid all the bills, got the groceries. He’d leave for the gym the second the 1 yo would lay for nap. Come back, nap, wake up for me to get 6 yo from school. Once I returned. He’d leave with 6yo until 5-530pm. I’d try to have dinner ready in between nursing the newborn and the other littles. Then begin bedtime routines. If I tried to sneak away for a shower I’d still come back down to a screaming baby.
Once I went back to work, I kept asking what can I do to help. I’d still leave work early to pick up 6yo. He kept saying there’s nothing I can do. So I believed him. When i got home from work i would be bombarded by the kids. I’d prep dinner for them and helped with bedtime routine. I wouldnt be able to change out of my work clothes until around 9pm. After being back at work for all of 10 working days, he decided he needed to leave for a while out of state to his family. Leaving me to find daycare for the kids while I’m still working full time. While he was away his parents paid for his ticket, gave him money, got new shoes, went golfing with a friend.
He returns and tells me that he left because I was wrong for not helping him and he was burnt out because I was being lazy and I just wanted to sit and hold the baby all day everyday and that I do nothing to help him. He said I “took advantage of him”. I told him i dont believe I’m wrong and that I don’t believe it is a right or wrong situation, we were both doing what we can. AITA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because my focus was on caring for our newborn child more so than the toddlers. Only I was able to feed the newborn, which takes a lot of time
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Maybe you shouldn’t have had sooooooo many kids.
ESH
NTA. A 40 year old man should know what he’s signing up for by the time he’s having his fourth kid. If he can’t handle another newborn, he should consider getting a vasectomy. Four kids is a lot to handle. If anything, he’s taking advantage of you.
NTA but this is a whirlwind and I think you both need some help with the kids. It seems like he took some time with family and let out some of the frustration that comes with being a parent, which he brought up in a less than tactful way to you. It seems like it would be a really good idea to sit down and write out the tasks that you all have in the house and who you (separately) think bares the majority of the responsibility for those.
It also might be worth writing what the two of you are thankful for in the other for taking on in raising your family.
I hope you both get a nap soon <3
Where are the other two kids and how old are they? I notice this is the third attempt to post this. The other two were removed due to being too long. I what was cut that might help explain why it was decided to have so many kids essentially back to back?
NTA since your husband was definitely one for literally walking away from his very large, very young family, and leaving you alone. Obviously describing you as ‘lazy’ is totally unnecessary, antagonistic, hurtful, and plain inaccurate.
I think you’re both doing what you can but clearly it isn’t working. It’s like you need a total reset, maybe there is a professional, a friend, a mediator, or someone else who can help you re-establish your roles and responsibilities, schedules, etc. A lot of what you describe here doesn’t make a ton of sense, like him leaving with (just?) the 6 year old for an hour and a half in the evening when you were home with three other kids. His burnout risk is certainly very real. With four such young kids (and two others that I assume are in the home some of the time?) you probably do need to be a one-income home so that one parent is providing full-time care but it still has to be sustainable, and it’s only been about a month and a half since you returned to work so there are still kinks being worked out.
I really hope he doesn’t always crumple like this when under stress. Even if he was shutting down, leaving you alone and turning on you so painfully was uncalled for.
Wooo.. He sounds like a piece of work. He should have worn a condom if he didn’t want the responsibility of all those kids
NTA OMG. He knows he helped make those kids, right? He can’t just pick up and leave like that. If he wanted time to visit family, he needed to discuss it with you and work to get childcare coverage. And blaming you for not helping is not helpful.
Beyond that you both just sound a little overwhelmed, 4 kids 6 and under is…a lot. Do you have family that can help out some? Or can you get some child care one evening a week or so?
NTA
If anything he is the lazy one – or let’s maybe say the selfish one. He doesn’t need to go to the gym everyday during nap time and if he does, he doesn’t get to complain that he’s burnt out after having had 2 hours of me time everyday with a newborn in the house.
Please tell me this is rage bait.
Nope. If he doesn’t want to provide for his family by working, he must provide by taking care of the children that he fathered. It seems as though he’s unwilling to do even that. What kind of person would say that a baby didn’t like them? A baby isn’t grown enough to make those kinds of decisions. It will scream its head offin even its mother’s arms. After reading all this, I can’t help but wonder what does he need help with? He doesn’t seem to be doing much of anything.
NTA
You were working full-time, healing from a tough birth, caring for a newborn, managing school runs, groceries, bills, and still checked in to see how you could help. He kept saying he didn’t need anything, then turned around and blamed you for not doing more.
That’s not fair, and it’s not true. You weren’t sitting around, you were keeping everything running.
If anything, he’s the one leaning into asshole territory for checking out, and leaving you to juggle it all.
ESH
You two chose to have 6 kids.
The best advice I ever got when I lost my sh!t after my hubs went back to work 2 days after I had my first baby, just one mind you, was to not make any big decisions about anything for the first 6 months. 🙂
You have obviously done this with him before and you are both burnt out. I mean that is ALOT of kids to deal with. And its been going on for a long time, years. I agree with what some others said about bringing some additional help in, if you dont have family you can have come and help what about a friend? I flew a friend down for a few weeks with both my kids. She worked remotely but was able to help cook, clean, shop, etc. Another adult helps even out that adult to kid ration, ALOT! Do you have a bestie? Or Single friend that could help?
I think you just need some more support and some alone time together to talk through how to manage this without losing it. Neither of you is the A in my opinion, just exhausted and saying stupid stuff.
ESH
ya’ll ever heard of condoms? birth control? pulling out? anything?
NTA
In what world were you doing “nothing” as the birthing and breastfeeding parent, sole provider, cook/meal prepper, household manager, driver, and (by the sound of it) primary parent whenever you weren’t physically at your job?
This man is delusional. And before the “what if the roles were reversed???” people show up, I’d say the exact same thing if they were (aside, of course, from the fact that the husband would not have been able to go through a difficult pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding, but be that as it may). He also walked out on his kids, which is an automatic asshole maneuver.
Well on the plus side, you know you can handle being a single mom since you had to fully be one for a month.
It’s funny how he gets a full break from all the kids but you haven’t had one AND are paying all the bills with a full time job.
The younger 2 are in daycare now, theres no more excuses, he needs to get a job. It’ll help out later, in that you shouldn’t have to fork out possible child support.
The way you tell the story obviously you are NTA as you are doing your best, but I also wonder while you are telling the story from your perspective how he feels and what he is really saying from his perspective. I don’t think he is necessarily the AH either.
Congratulations! You had way too many children with an asshole. Well done yta.
I find it really hard to empathize with people who have more kids than they can handle – you don’t seem to be on the wrong based on what you’ve told us, but the decision making in your house is not strong
He took a vacation from being a parent and left you holding the bag. I think he is attached to the fantasy of you being stuck at home.
You did a month as a single mother. I think you need to consider whether your life might actually be more stable if you were no longer married to, and living with, someone who is intentionally keeping you pregnant despite the risks to you.
NTA.
What kind of bull shit is that he gone a whole MONTH (doesn’t work) and doesn’t help much around the house. Needs to get a job ASAP
“Honey, I’m sorry you are struggling with taking care of the kids as a stay at home parent. Since you were gone and the kids are now in daycare, you can return to work.” If and when he argues, you can point out that he needed a month off to recover, which left you alone with the kids to figure it out. This is a relationship, aka a partnership, and he bailed. So he can return to work or return to mommy and daddy and start paying child support.
It sounds to me like he wasn’t pulling his weight before. Because as your partner he is supposed to help and protect you, even from yourself. Letting you drive and carry baby when he knows you’re not supposed to… that doesn’t show he cares.
You should have been the one resting and he should have been driving. Or packing up all the kids, dropping you at the appointment, take the kids to the park and then picking you up. Or arranging for help.
I get being a stay at home parent isn’t easy. You feel like you’re the one doing everything. But the fact of the matter is, you’re the one at home so you have the time. You’re the one controlling the daytime mess. Or you both work, kids all go to daycare and when you’re off, you both still have to do all the chores, child care and everything else that doesn’t get done because no one is home. It’s not fair for you to fund his “lifestyle” and for him to take off whenever he wants.
NTA. However he is a massive one.
Why don’t he get a job, and you stay home… you’re doing everything anyway! NTA. Or …. Change the locks while he’s gone is another solution.
Well since the kids are in daycare now, he can go back to work.
Info: is he coming back? A month away from 4 kids under 6 is unimaginable for me.
I’m reserving judgment. It sounds like he doesn’t need to be a SAHD since it seems he can only handle two kids. He can’t handle the rest of the stay at home parent’s lot: picking up kids, taking kids to appointments, and cooking.
Hed be getting a job to pay for that daycare or getting the f out of my house immediately NTA
If I were u I would’ve had divorce papers waiting and ready for him to sign when he got home
He’s been gone for a MONTH?!?! I wouldn’t let him come back. What a loser. NTA
So he’s been a SAHD for all of 7 months and finds it is hard work? It sounds like you still do your fair share of co-parenting when you get home. I’m curious if he would do similar if you were the stay at home parent?