Okay, I know how that sounds. But hear me out.
My husband’s mom was a nightmare. Like, lifetime movie villain level. She called me a gold digger for marrying her preciouss son (he’s a fucking accountant, not Elon Musk), “forgot” to invite me to family holidays for three years, and once mailed him a framed photo of his ex with a note saying “the one who got away.” When we announced our pregnancy, she said, “I’ll believe it’s his when I see the DNA test.”
She died suddenly last year, car accident. I didn’t cry. My husband was wrecked, obviously, and I held him through it, but inside? Relief. Deep, ugly reliefff.
Fast forward to now. Our daughter is 4 months old. Last night, husband got drunk and tearful, saying, “I wish Mom could’ve held her just once.” And I, sleep-deprived and still sore from breastfeeding, just snapped. “Thank god she didn’t. She would’ve made our kid feel like shit the way she did me.”
Silence. Then he called me a “heartless bitchhh” and slwpt on the couch.
Part of me knows I crossed a line. But another part? Stands by it. She was cruel, and death doesn’t erase that. He’s grieving a mom who wasn’t real, the version he wished she was. Meanwhile, I’m over here with stretch marks and a baby who finally sleeps, just… not sorry.
So. AITA? Or is this one of those cases where the truth is an asshole but it needed to be said?
Comments
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NTA you spoke a painful truth in a raw moment, and while it hurt him, your feelings about protecting your child from cruelty are valid.
She was horrible to you. Did he ever try to stop that?
NTA. You were honest after years of mistreatment, and grief doesn’t erase cruelty. It may not have been the kindest moment, but it was real and sometimes, that’s what breaks the silence.
NTA/ESH.
It’s an extremely low blow you dealt to someone grieving losing their mother, but it sounds like he was quite the heartless bitch to you about her behavior when she was alive. I think you guys need to talk this out, because there seems to be a lot of resentment under the surface about how she treated you, how he handled it, and how you’re expected to whitewash that history now that’s she’s gone. Don’t do this when sleep-deprived and juggling the baby though, make sure you find a good time for the convo.
YTA
You are both AH and NTA. YTA because you told your grieving husband while you could have kept it to urself and instead told you husband you need a hand on your baby. But then you are NTA, for what you feel about your mother in law is valid.
Your husband is another AH, he allowed his mom to do that to you.
NTA but I’d apologise and try move on from it. She’s dead, she can’t get to you anymore and you shouldn’t let the lady ruin your relationship from the grave!
I wouldn’t like to hear that if I was him.
I think someone dying is one of the only times you need to keep your mouth shut about your feelings.
But this doesn’t mean I’m not sympathetic to how she treated you. She was clearly a c**t, and I’m glad your daughter doesn’t have to meet her. I would just never say that to your husband lol.
Well I hope being divorced was worth your 10
Seconds of glory
You’re NTA for your feelings but you are definitely an AH for saying that to a grieving child who has lost their mother. Whether you felt he is grieving a fake version of her or not, you don’t get to decide whether his grief is valid or not. Don’t be so hype to be “right” that you cause harm to your husband.
NTA. From the sounds of the way she treated you, you have every right to feel that way.
Did your husband ever ask his mum to stop/ defended you?
He is still grieving so he has a right to be upset, but it’s also hard to temper thoughts when sleep deprived- it’s a special form of torture.
Info: did he ever tell his mother to stop being like that to you? Because she sounds awful and he sounds ignorant.
Soooo, YTA. Some thoughts need to stay inside thoughts, or they’re just for your individual friends.
She treated you like shit. He allowed it to happen. You stayed. You made your choice to stay married to the spineless momma’s boy.
What does saying this to him now serve? As a reminder that his mother is dead and his wife hated his mother. Oh, awesome. It’s the kind of thing that his grief could turn into: “Maybe my mom was right to dislike her.”
Don’t give him a reason or opportunity to agree with her posthumously just so you could have an “I told you so” moment. Apologize profusely to your husband.
The woman is dead. You already won. Why do you need to hurt him now?
NTA but I think you have bigger problems. She treated you poorly for years and he did nothing?
“I wish my Mom could have held our baby before she died” crying.
“I’m glad that miserable bitch died before she had the chance!”
I have been a sleep deprived parent who had cruel in laws and…
That is a super horrible thing to say.
He will never ever forget you saying that.
It’s a crack in your marriage now.
Apologize or you’re headed to divorce.
There is no room for telling a grieving partner you’re glad their Mom is dead ever.
YTA
Every man I’ve known who had a heartless mother seems to have forgotten how cruel she was after she died and from that moment on is convinced she was an angel. It’s frustrating how they flip the switch and convince themselves of a reality that never happened. I’ve witnessed it several times, it’s so weird.
You’re allowed to have your own feelings but yeah… YTA. I don’t like my MIL but I’d never say that to my husband.
You’re being an idiot. That was a low blow, completely out of place. You could’ve said shit about your mother-in-law — sounds like she was probably a bitch, just like my mom — but instead you hit your husband with that when he was vulnerable. Seriously, what’s wrong with you?
Updateme
YTA. Just because you think it, doesn’t mean you have to speak it. Was she horrible? Sure. But that’s still his mom.
N T A for your feelings but YTA for saying that out loud to him while he’s grieving. Even if it was true, it was just unnecessary. That was an inside thought.
Umm the woman is dead. He enabled her toxic behavior and while he has every right to express how he feels saying this to your husband isn’t going to do your family or you any good. If you need to vent get a therapist. While your MIL might have been an awful person to you, he excused it, you still married him and his family despite her behavior. YTA.
She’s dead.
How was your comment going to help ANYTHING?
YTA. Sometimes, it’s just better to keep silent.
NTA for feeling that way, but you should have kept that thought to yourself. He should be thankful you stayed with through all of his mother’s abuse.
She may have been awful but she was his mother and she is dead. Have some respect for your husband’s feelings. Apologize profusely because you should. It was a mean thing to say and uncalled for.
I mean, it was a very cruel comment. Even if she was a nightmare she was still his mom. Sometimes we keep our mouths shut because we are grown ups. YTA
>She was cruel
So are you. YTA
You’re dumb for saying that. You’re a mother now, thread carefully before shit comes around and bites you in the ass.
She was mean to you. Was she mean to him? I’m guessing no.
& by the sounds of it, your husband never defended you against his mother, which is a major red flag on its own.
This marriage won’t be lasting long.
I could never hurt my husband like that. No matter how shitty a different person was, I wouldn’t be smug and say that to the person I love.
YTA – in THIS instance
This just wasn’t the right time or right delivery.
No matter how horrible she was, he lost his mother and needs time to process and grieve and you taking cheap shots when he’s actively grieving was not appropriate
YTA, although a sympathetic one. Some thoughts you keep in your head. Maybe you are still resentful he never protected you from her, but you need to work through that. There is nothing he can do to fix it anymore and she is gone.
Seems a bit unnecessary. You don’t need to match the energy of supervillains because people will wonder if it was you who was evil all along. Better is, “I’m sorry you lost your mom. I do not miss the drama.” It makes it sound like you have a heart.
YTA- you accidently said your inside thought outloud.
YTA. You’re allowed to have thoughts and feelings on the matter, but this is your husband. The man you should love and respect. He loved his mother, no matter how horrible she was. It horrible to say that to him. Being sore from breastfeeding isn’t an excuse.
She died tragically. You want to be thankful she’s gone, do it in your head. Not out loud. Have some compassion for your husband.
The woman was definitely horrible to you, but she was his mom that died. There are a lot of things that we think that should never be said out loud.
YTA for voicing it.
Of course you’re not the AH for feeling this way or thinking it, or even voicing it to ppl in your support network (your family, best friends).
But your husband just lost his mother. However horrible she was to you, he still lost her. And he’s understandably dealing with grief and the shock that comes from the sudden loss, especially at the time when he’s just become a parent himself.
She can’t bully you anymore. She can’t harm you, in any way.
There’s no more competition. She’s gone.
What does it get you, to shit on her, while her son is grieving her?
‘That would’ve been nice’ while thinking ‘if she just had a personality transplant, first’, and a gentle rub over his back. That’s all he needed from you.
It’s not about HER, it’s about supporting your husband.
I’d go to marriage counseling, if I were you.
He was vulnerable, and in that moment, you were not on his side. That leaves scars.
You have to rebuild that trust.
It’s not about who’s right, but about getting through this stronger. And if you’re so dead set on ‘being right’ about her, that you prioritize that over your husband’s emotions, you’re not a team.
YTA OP. You stayed with him despite the way she treated you. Is he wrong for not standing up to her for you while she was alive…absolutely. But at the end of the day, she’s dead and gone so speaking ill of the dead is in bad taste even is she was a bitch. Ur still here and so is he. You should have been content with an unspoken victory. You won the war, she’s dead. Apologize to ur husband. Hopefully, he doesn’t turn this around and say maybe mom was right about you.
YTA. Your MIL treated you like shit but she owed you nothing. You treat your supposed love of your life like shit. You’re just like her.
I can’t blame you for feeling it, but you really didn’t need to blurry that out.
Yes. Think what you want, but saying it was hurtful and unnecessary
YTA this would have been the moment my marriage ended.
Selfish cruelty.
NTA for thinking it. Absolutely the AH for saying it out loud. She may have been a horrible old C U Next Tuesday, but she was still his mom. Plus she’s dead
I would say YTA with a splash of ESH, I get it I have evil family members but I will not say I am glad they died to their kids when they do
YTA , she is dead you are not fighting with her anymore. You just told your husband that him missing is mother is somehow a bad thing. You don’t have to magically like the woman but the grudge needs to go away
Just because it’s honest doesn’t make it ok.
Sleep deprived is unfortunate and him drunk around you and baby is stupid…he should be a parent.
You know you crossed a line. You said so.
I think you both should do a little counseling together.
YTA
I feel you. I have one I feel similarly about, only the marriage is over because her ‘parenting’ caused a cluster B personality disorder to invade my ex-husband’s psyche.
I would think and feel the same thing. I might even say it to another person whom I could trust to keep it private.
I’d never say it to my ex though, because that is his mum.
I know you’re exhausted. But still, YTA. Sorry.
YTA. She was too, but that doesn’t excuse saying something so hurtful to someone you love. Don’t you have a friend to vent that shit too? Awful.
Sounds like you’ve been harboring a lot of resentment and anger towards your husband because he didn’t stand up for you, didn’t protect you from his cruel mom. She was cruel to you, but to him she is his mother, and she probably behaved differently with him. You are a mom now, you aren’t gonna treat everyone in your daughter’s life with the same love as you do her. You could have air your grievances in a more productive way, but you went for a very painful jab. You retaliated. We’ve all been there, but there is always a price to pay for such retaliation, your husband is at his most vulnerable now, and it might take him awhile to deem you emotionally safe again, even if the fact that his mom was evil is true. ESH.
Nah you are kind of TA here, his mother died! How would you feel if the shoes were on the other feet? Literally that is kind of heartless behavior because you’re supposed to be his rock the way he is yours and you just kind of shit on his feelings. I feel bad for him because he’s got this beautiful baby and would of course love his mom to have held the kid or at least see the baby but you say that, holy shit!!!! The least you could have said would have been something like, “I know you do honey”and just leave your hateful thoughts in your head!
NTA you both need counseling both individually and as a couple. ASAP
NTA. ofc hes grieving but you dont need to pretend to miss her too..
YTA . Saying what you said solves absolutely nothing. It only creates a possibly unrepairable rift in your marriage. Sometimes silence is golden
ESH.
You are completely valid in your feelings, and in being able to express those feelings. What you said isnt there issue imo – it’s the fact that your husband was mourning his mother, tears and all, in thaf specific moment and you chose to say that as a direct response to him mourning. His vision of her may not be accurate, but you completely dismissed his vulnerability and feelings.
In saying that, it’s a huge concern that he never took your feelings towards and experiences with his mother seriously enough to hold her accountable. He should have shut that down a long time ago. Simply apologising is a cop out. You should be more upset about how he handled the entire situation.
YTA. I get the emotional response. I get the pain and annoyance and anger but you crossed a line that can not be uncrossed. You are allowed to have your feelings and he his, but it is his mom regardless and he’s in grief. His perception of her will always be very different than yours and you essentially just kicked him when he was down. It may not be a big deal to you but it clearly is to him.
YTA. He should have defended you when she was alive but she is dead now. That was a low blow. This is a prime example of why men have such a hard time opening up, even to there spouses/GF’s.
This is the stuff you keep in your head, if he starts saying he misses his mum etc, just “smile and wave”
YTA. I’m not going to say you did some unforgivable thing as the woman was clearly awful to you, you were exhausted, and it seemed to just slip out. But even so, its his mother, even if she was awful its still his mother. She’s dead now, so you don’t even have to deal with her, all you have to do is bite your tongue whenever she’s talked about. Unless he talks about her endlessly all the time, you can do that.
NTA
YTA…you shouldn’t have married this guy who allowed his mom to treat you like shit, but well karma got her and things turned out fine in the end…? plz don’t ever tell your daughter her grandma was cruel…just avoid talking about her cuz the hate was mutual obviously
I am fucking sick of women being told to suck it up, or it’s not that serious, or they should just deal with it, or that’s just the way they are, we took it the wrong way, blah blah blah.
We all deserve to stand up for ourselves and put an end to that nonsense. Why should we deny our truth and our trauma to appease people who are not worth our consideration?
ESH. He, drunk and grieving, turned to his wife for comfort because he was too intoxicated to think straight and realize his wife was struggling as a new mom.
OP was struggling, sleep deprived, and in pain from breastfeeding. Her husband is so messed up from drinking he’s in no condition to help her right now, and he says this to her about a woman who mistreated his wife and he allowed it. She snapped and had a moment after not speaking up for herself. She spoke out of protectiveness of her baby.
IMO, you are TA. You chose to say that to get in one more jab at his mother, knowing how it’d make him feel. It’s perfectly fine to think those things, but you shouldn’t have said it out loud.
NTA. Your husband should have doled out a few “WTF is wrong with you?!” to his mother but instead only apologized to you in private. He needed the reality check. Was it rude to say that to him? Possibly. But it was the truth. It needed to be said. Don’t romanticize his idea that it would have been beneficial to your family.
YTA. Your feelings are reasonable, but don’t share them with your husband while he is deep in mourning. That’s fucking cruel. Do better.
Doesn’t matter how she treated you in the PAST. it’s your HUSBAND’S MOM. You already got the W when she passed away. But you said it yourself that your husband was a wreck when she passed. Whether he did a bad job or not at standing up for you when she bullied you doesn’t seem to be the issue like other people are saying. At the very least he apologized for her behavior. But some commenters seem dead set to make you resent your husband for not defending you, even though you don’t seem to have any lingering resentments about any of that.
If you and husband were good before you said what you said, in my opinion, YTA. He’s obviously still coping and you dumped a whole lot of lemon and salt on that wound.
So you’re husband was devastated by the death of his mother and in pain, and you took this moment to let your hate cause him more pain? You have become what you despise, YTA.
NTA. Had she lived, she would have ruined your marriage. Tell him to not let her so do so from beyond the grave. Your husband should feel ashamed he didn’t go NC years ago after the way he treated you, but he absolutely shouldn’t be expecting you to be sad she’s gone.
Yta but gently. I know what it’s like to have a cruel, awful and downright evil mil. You said something terrible but honest. If you weren’t sleep deprived you wouldn’t have said it, totally understand that. BUT that was one of those thoughts that shouldn’t have been said aloud. I’d apologize to hubby if I were you.
YTA- She’s gone, and she can’t hurt you anymore. Your husband is grieving. What you said to him is no better than the things that woman did to you. What good came out of hurting him that way? No matter what, she was still his mom, and you were in the wrong.
Yeah you’re kind of the asshole here. His fucking mom died. Now I don’t believe in the whole don’t speak ill of the dead bullshit(yeah resentment doesn’t go away because they died. Dying doesn’t make someone a better person), but to say it to the man you’re supposed to love? Not fucking cool. You’re justified in feeling that but saying it to him was cruel. The only purpose it served was to hurt him
YTA. Your husband lost his mother, and he misses her. If she was still alive and bullying you, I would be on your side, telling you that he needs to stand up for you. But now she is dead, and he loved her, and she probably in her own way loved him ( even though she didn’t respect him). So what was gained by hurting someone who was hurt?
While I agree with your sentiment and why you said it, I don’t think you should have said it. He will always hold his mother in the highest regards now that she’s gone and he is grieving what he will not have. I honestly think it best to keep your mouth shut when it comes to how happy you are you dodged that bullet. She sounds like an awful person and I’m glad your daughter won’t be subjected to
It.
Couldn’t you just not say it. How hard is that. Your that ah .
YTA—- You really should have kept your negative comments about his mother to yourself.
Why was he drunk while you’re sleep-deprived and breastfeeding?? Is he helping with the baby AT ALL???
Hm this feels like one of those cases where you are absolutely 100% right, but you should have had some empathy for your partner and kept that thought to yourself
Your MIL is gone but your husband problem continues. She “forgot” to invite you to holidays but he went? She was ugly to you and he never defended you. Please talk to him and address those feelings. He hasn’t changed and your resentment continues to build. And no, drunk and sleep deprived was not the time to express yourself. Attacking his dead mother doesn’t look good for you and doesn’t help the problem. ESH
NTA Your husband sounds just as awful as his mother was. People say don’t speak ill of the dead but I think don’t romanticize or lie about who they were in life.
YTA. You didn’t need to put it that way. You are absolutely valid in feeling this way, but there’s no need to make situations tense with him when you’re vulnerable and with a baby. She’s gone now, so she can’t do anything to you.
Gentle YTA, but I’m not sure I blame you. Yes, she was horrible to you (please tell me your husband stood up for you?), and really, it’s understandable you couldn’t keep up the façade of not hating her for it. But your husband loved his mom, and it must have hurt to hear that from you. I think an apology is in order in the short term, and then later, when it’s less raw, you need to perhaps tell him that you understand if he wants to talk about his mom and remember her fondly, but that, considering the way she treated you, you cannot be a part of those conversations. He needs to find someone else to reminisce about because your memories are painful in an entirely different way.
NTA but why marry a man who doesn’t defend you.
YTA
In what universe do you need to tell your spouse you’re glad their parent is dead? And in such a context! Are you serious?
Being postpartum is no excuse for being cruel and losing your sense of empathy, and if that’s what it feels like to you, then you need to see your doctor and be screened for postpartum depression. It’s not normal. And it’s not ok.
YTA there’s no reason now to beat up on her. In the realm of villains and evil people she is not making the list of those burning in hell just for being petty and jealous. No matter what that was his mother. It wasn’t his responsibility to change her during her time on this earth. Just because we have all this talk about cancelling people and therapy doesn’t mean that happens for everyone. Sure she probably sucked as a human being, but at least she didn’t suck just enough to convince someone to have a baby with her…so that one day you could with your partner too. Quit dwelling on negative shit that literally can’t happen again unless you play it in your mind. Apologize to your partner and then find some support so you can take a nap
If you have issues with what your husband did or did not do to defend you from her, that’s on you if you didn’t address it then. Assuming all you said about her was true, saying that to your husband….damn….thats downright mean. The appropriate thing to say is nothing. She is dead. She won’t meet your daughter. I wanted to be kinder, but I couldn’t get over the fact that what you did had the sole purpose of hurting your husband. Why would you do that? Yta. Honestly, something is telling me that he might of married someone closer to his mother than you want to admit to yourself.
She sounds like an nightmare and terrible, but what you said is horrible. Those thoughts should be kept to yourself. Ew.
Both of you are valid in your feelings to some extent. That was his mom and it sounds like to him she wasn’t always terrible. Him wanting that connection with your baby is fair.
He should have stood up for you. Not ignored poor treatment of you etc. And he is wrong for that.
But he’s also now grieving.
Your feelings also valid. she was awful to you and you get to want to protect your baby from that.
But some things are better left not said out loud
ESH.
You get every right to your feelings based on how your were treated and the lack of support from your husband in those times.
However, that is your husband’s mom. He has a bond that you do not have with her.
I got a lot of animosity towards my narc mother but at the same time, that’s my mom and I innately love her. It’ll hurt when she passes no matter how terrible she was to me. Tis the tangled web kids raised by narcissist deal with.
Honestly, be prepared for some bigger consequences. You essentially just told your husband you’re delighted by the cause of his pain.
His partner, who is supposed to support, just shot him.
This looks like “well you never supported me when your mother mistreated me, so now you’re on your own in grief while I rejoice.”
YTA. What the hell is wrong with you?
NTAH.
It wasn’t graceful for sure, but I am a person who does not believe that death suddenly makes bad people good. I really dislike the whole “never speak ill of the dead”. Why? If they were bad people no longer being alive isn’t special. People die every single day.
The wifes grandmother was a truly evil person. She went out of her way to cause rifts in their family. Even if it was easier to say or do nothing.
The wifes grandfather was a great guy. Got along great with him. He always had a joke and a smile. He did drink quite a bit and everyone knew why.
When she passed, it was like a huge weight was lifted from the entire family. At the graveside service, there were many more people than at the church service. The wife stated “They probably all wanted to see her actually put in the ground just to be sure she was gone” I had a pretty good laugh at that.
After a person dies…she usually becomes a “sant”…we only remember the good…in this case, he only remembers the good she did for him…not specifically what she did to you…he still grieving…
I don’t think YTA, but maybe try to apologize, not necessarily for what you said, but for hurting his feelings!
“I’m sorry, yesterday I was really tired and sleep deprived, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by what I said.”
YtA It is simply disgusting to tell a grieving person that you are glad someone has died. Maybe your mother-in-law was a dragon and your husband did not protect you but that does not justify saying something like that to someone who is mourning. You have friends for things like this so you can vent thoughtlessly to them and stay quiet when it actually matters.
Honestly??? I don’t think you’re the asshole, I’m pretty firmly convinced you’re NTA here, but considering how much of a mommy’s boy he is, I also wouldn’t be surprised if he still treats you like one/asks for separation or divorce eventually.Unfortunately sometimes you still deal with the consequences despite not actually being the asshole. Congrats on your new baby and the freedom you now have without the Bitch Queen driving on the roads anymore.
NTA. And my husband would only call me a bitch once.
The way you said it was a bit mean but it was the harsh truth that needed to be said.
YTA. Not for your feelings, just for airing them out in the way you did and in the situation at hand.
Your husband, while at the expense of his horrible mother, is still grieving her while also getting used to his (assuming?) first child. While she may have been an absolute monster-in-law, you projecting your feelings of her onto him, especially in such a vulnerable moment, is similar to scoffing at his grief. She was his mother, and this is his daughter. It is reasonable to have grief over the impossibility of their meeting. Many first-time parents turn to their own for advice on how to do things or handle things in different phases of their children’s lives. He no longer has that opportunity and never will again.
For many, it takes years to comprehend how much control, power, or abuse someone used against them, especially if it’s a close familial relationship. What you said may have been valid due to her actions and behaviors towards you. She likely would have treated your child the same given what you have said. However, it would have been a better conversation to keep to yourself until after his grieving process, or more towards the end of it in a heart-to -heart conversation so he could understand how much damage she truly did and could have done to you, him, your child, and your relationship.
You married this man, for better or worse. This is one of the worse times for him, and you shut him down. He was trying to be open and vulnerable in grieving his mother and you disrespected his feelings by speaking condescendingly about the subject of them.
What she did to you and how she treated you and your relationship is despicable and I could never imagine being put in such a situation. I am sorry you had to deal with it, but she’s no longer here. I wouldn’t continue to spread the hate she left in the world.
*ETA: Typo
NTA. You didn’t say it out of cruelty, you said it out of exhaustion and years of pain. He is grieving the mom he wished he had. You’re remembering the woman who treated you like trash. Those aren’t the same person. Was the timing rough? Yes. But your truth didn’t come from hate, it came from protecting your baby from someone who would’ve passed down the same poison. That’s not heartless. Thats honest.
YATAH not for how you feel but for saying that out loud. You can’t speak like that about someone’s mother to their face whether it’s true or not. Just my take.
You’re absolutely right to feel the way you do, I’d have just not said the thing.
NTA You are in no way the AH, but expecting a grieving drunk to think logically is a bridge too far. When he sobers up, and there’s a little more distant from her death, sit him down and have the conversation with him again. Tell him how hurt you’ve been all these years when he made no effort to protect you from her or show you support in the face of her attacks. Then ask him how he would have defended his daughter when the witch started treating her the same way she treated you. He needs to see her behavior without the veil of roses he’s erected to blur the reality of her behavior.
YTA Think whatever thoughts you want, but know to keep them to yourself.
I agree fully with u/boopitygoopity , but I would consider getting a professional marital counselor to mediate the discussion. He was wrong to say what he did, your reaction didn’t need to be said, this needs to be talked out.
I’m confused about some of the comments saying the husband is an AH for not “stopping” his mother’s behaviour towards his wife. Is OP not a grown woman who should be perfectly able to set her own boundaries? Maybe I’m missing some context here.
YTA, big time.
YTA Your husband is grieving his mother, monster or not she was his one and only mother and she died very suddenly. You know he’s grieving not just the person she was but who she could have been, the relationship they could have had, and the grandparents she could have been.
And instead of commiserating with him or even just staying silent…you went with good riddance and are wondering why he’s upset?
She is gone. Ever heard the question “do you want to be right or being happy?” Well you choose right, so now you have to face the unhappiness of having kicked him while he’s down.
Not everything that is thought needs to be said. You were deliberately and unnecessarily cruel. You might be all “ding, dong the witch is dead”, but she was still his mother and he apparently misses her. I’d say your husband’s assessment of you was spot on.
YTA 100%
YTA for time and place only. Him drunk and you frustrated was not the time to finally say how much you hated his mom. I get how you could’ve snapped. I’m sure you’re also annoyed that while you’re dealing with your new baby and ALL the things it comes with, your husband is drunk, crying over a woman who treated you like shit. You’re upset because even in death she’s taking precedence over you and the family you’re making. If I were you we’d be in counseling tomorrow. Or at minimum, we’d be having a very serious talk.
She sounds awful but I still sort of think soft YTA. The human heart is comfortable with total contradictions when it comes to love. Your husband can still love his mum and miss her AND know she was awful too. All at the same time. You did kind of stick the boot in. That said, i am in 2 minds about the YTA verdict because a) she was awful to you, he should pick his audience when crying and b) I do feel nothing new mums say in the first few months should ever be held against them lol. When you get THAT tired, filtering and masking is almost impossible.
No. You’re completely right. Hopefully you were telling him how disrespectful and rude to your mother was when she was alive so what you said the other night should’ve come as no surprise to him. Too bad he can’t stick up for you the way he did for mommy.
NTA. But I also feel worried for you because you engaged him while he’s drunk and not himself. I hope he done nothing else to you.
I also hope he gets into his senses and understands your position, remembering all the terrible things his mom did to you.
Completely justified. I have a nightmare mother and have as little contact as possible while still trying to help her. When she dies, the overwhelming feeling will be relief.
Like you said, it sounds horrible to say out loud but what she did to you for years was evil.
If he can’t understand your feelings on this, that is on him. He can grieve his mother, that’s fine, but you don’t have to. And your feelings towards her are valid. Was he blind? How was he able to stand by and allow it to get that far? Why wasn’t contact cut off when she suggested there be a DNA test….
YTA It’s his mom. He didn’t experience her wrath in the way you did. While she sounds awful your spouse is grieving. That makes you a huge AH. This isn’t the moment to work through the complexities of the relationship with your dead MIL. You hold space for your spouse and recognized he is grieving. Apologize. And work through the MIL trauma at a later date.
NTA. Mama’s pwecious wittle boi can cry about the asshole who mistreated you all he wants, but you don’t have to join the pity party. He’s probably mourning not her, but the loss of someone obsessed with him and the feeling that gave him. He aint the first mama’s boy lol. I’m glad your baby was spared, too.
YTA – You’re right but the timing was bad.
Yes husband is sad but it seems he did sweet F.A to defend or protect you from his witch bitch of a mother. Apologise for how you said it…but…he has to admit he fucked up and failed you big time. He’s not innocent in this.
NTA
Meanwhile, I know a pair where the wife openly tells the husband, and I quote, that she’ll dance on his mother’s grave. And he’s like, fair enough. His mother treated the wife horribly for years and years. The husband never intervened. But now at leats he knows to keep his mouth shut since he kept it shut while his wife suffered. Unlike your husband, who continues to live in land of denial.
You are a heartless bitch lmao
Could be the better personnnnnnnn….? Especially considering she’s dead.
You never know, maybe one day she could’ve gone on holiday or something and returned as a different person.
Just remember that blood is thicker than water. But she was an asshole anyway.
NTA. Ask your husband if he would be ok with his mom treating your daughter the way you were. Ask him if he would roll over show his belly and let his mom treat her like sh*t. Ask him if your daughter would grow up having her father apologizing to her constantly for being too afraid to stand up for her. Ask him how you’re supposed to trust that he’s going to protect your daughter no matter what when he couldn’t even protect you from his own mom.
I feel like I should think you are the ahole, but I don’t. Not the nicest thing to say to him, but she wasn’t a nice person. Even if he’s grieving he should be to understand your feelings are very valid. Of course you did say he didn’t defend you against her, which is beyond pathetic. Maybe he saw nothing wrong with his mom degrading you, which again is pathetic. After the DNA test comment I wouldn’t have wanted that woman anywhere near my family, least of all my baby. Him hearing you say that probably didn’t help anything but I still think he needs to hear it. People need to wake up, grow up, and see people for who they really are. No rose colored glasses. I hate it when someone dies and suddenly everyone acts like they were a saint and not a snake. Not NTAH. Good luck with your husband.
ESH – Your husband sucks as a husband for not sticking up for you and sucks as a dad for getting drunk while you’re sleep-deprived??? I guess everyone has different priorities. You shouldn’t have said it but I wouldn’t have wanted her to meet my kid either.
YTA/NTA… A simple, “I’m sorry, I know that must really hurt” would’ve been a better response. But I get it because you were already coming from an emotional, exhausted, and resentful place. Because did he ever defend you from her? If not there are deeper issues you guys have to work through.
ESH. Not the right time to voice out those feelings.
ESH. Never say something like that about the recently dead to someone you profess to love. Is it true? Yeah. Is it also unimaginably cruel and unnecessary? Also yeah. Your husband is a huge asshole for not ever standing up for you while she was alive.
NTA. Sounds like you have bigger problems than a sleep deprived comment if your husband is drunk around an infant.
Eh ESH, You should’ve left your husband when his mother was being a bitch to you and he wasn’t doing shit to stand up for you. And then you had his child on top of that. Lmao girl idk
ESH – have you considered couple’s counseling because I think you both need it??
He wanted you to support and console him during a time of grief which is very reasonable but he also spent years not standing up to his mother when you needed the support. Just saying he was sorry as his mother repeatedly treated you like garbage was never enough and you’ve let that fester to completely unhealthy levels.
When someone is grieving and sad like that it’s never ok to double down and say something hurtful like you did. You lashing out at that moment just made it more certain that he is going to think you are overreacting about his mother’s behavior.
This isn’t really a 4 months postpartum conversation. You are both sleep deprived, he’s grieving, and your body is recovering.
I really think having a space like counseling where you both can work it out would be beneficial.
with that thoughtless comment you did exactly what your MIL always wanted to do … drive a wedge between you and your husband.
congrats, pat yourself on the shoulder for continuing her work long after she is dead.
YTA!
Nta
YTA. Why do you think hurting your husband is ok? Like, everything said and done, his mother was awful, he didn’t protect you, etc etc etc….but at the end of the day you said something awful that HURT your husband. YOU said it. Are you proud of that? Why did it need to be said at all? My God, he’s grieving. It doesn’t matter whether he’s grieving her or the version he wished she was, he’s grieving. And you just twisted the knife for what? Do you love this man? Because it doesn’t seem like it if your need to get a dig in was more important than his grief
NTA.
He did nothing to address his mother’s frankly unforgivable behavior towards you.
He allowed her to insult said unborn child and question her parentage.
He went and got drunk while his wife was sleep-deprived and home caring for and breastfeeding his 4 month old.
He turned to you for sympathy knowing all of that history.
NTA.
How would you feel if he ever said that to you about your parents? Some things you need to keep to yourself. He’s not going to just get over you saying that. You said something low and cruel to someone grieving. If you would want his support when your parents die instead of him telling you how much he doesn’t like them and he’s happy they’re gone, I suggest you apologize. Ignore everyone saying it’s justified because if he said that to you then they’d be out with pitchforks, calling for a divorce because it’s a horrible thing to say