I (40f) have been married to my husband (40m) for 11 years, been together 21. We both work from home but my job is a lot more demanding and I spend a lot of time on the phone with clients and playing nice. I deal with a lot of entitled, demanding folks where I have to put on my best customer service face, bend over backwards and make them happy.
At the end of the day, I am socially tapped out while my husband having worked independently all day wants to be social. He usually turns to me for it. Let’s watch a movie together, go out together, go for a walk together etc etc.
I know I should be grateful for such an adoring a loving man but… Sometimes I just want to be alone. To decompress and not feel obligated to make others happy. When I turn him down he gets visibly disappointed. It sucks, and I feel bad. I will force myself to do what he wants 75% of the time but that is overall making me miserable.
In a brief moment of unfiltered honesty I told him I don’t really want to hang out with him after work. He needs to go out and get friends that share his hobbies. I hate going to the movies, it’s too hot for walks in the park, video games are just showcases of my inadequacy while he carries me through content I don’t give a fuck about.
I want to just be in the quiet with some candles and silence.
Now after I told him this he is really sad. Calling me just his roommate and saying I don’t love him as much as he loves me.
Idk. Should I just suck it up and consider this another wifey duty?
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I (40f) have been married to my husband (40m) for 11 years, been together 21. We both work from home but my job is a lot more demanding and I spend a lot of time on the phone with clients and playing nice. I deal with a lot of entitled, demanding folks where I have to put on my best customer service face, bend over backwards and make them happy.
At the end of the day, I am socially tapped out while my husband having worked independently all day wants to be social. He usually turns to me for it. Let’s watch a movie together, go out together, go for a walk together etc etc.
I know I should be grateful for such an adoring a loving man but… Sometimes I just want to be alone. To decompress and not feel obligated to make others happy. When I turn him down he gets visibly disappointed. It sucks, and I feel bad. I will force myself to do what he wants 75% of the time but that is overall making me miserable.
In a brief moment of unfiltered honesty I told him I don’t really want to hang out with him after work. He needs to go out and get friends that share his hobbies. I hate going to the movies, it’s too hot for walks in the park, video games are just showcases of my inadequacy while he carries me through content I don’t give a fuck about.
I want to just be in the quiet with some candles and silence.
Now after I told him this he is really sad. Calling me just his roommate and saying I don’t love him as much as he loves me.
Idk. Should I just suck it up and consider this another wifey duty?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I told my husband to go get new friends because I don’t want to hang out with him after work
2 I feel bad that I rejected basically my life partner. Should I be obligated to spend quality time with him everyday cause we’re married?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Soft YTA because if you said it like you did here he is right. You both are roommates at this point. If you had said i want to have SOME nights to myself that would have been reasonable. But if you dont want to make time to spend with your partner why are you together?
NTA. Your husband is being very emotionally immature and quite emotionally manipulative. Does he care about your mental health at all? He sounds entirely selfish. You need time to unwind and recharge your social batteries. Why doesn’t he have friends? Why can’t he play video games alone or find someone online to play with? Demanding you to be his entire world is too much.
NAH Neither one of you are wrong with what you want. Perhaps you can reach a compromise. Maybe pick a couple days a week where you can do things together and a couple days a week where you each can have alone time to do whatever you want to do. I completely understand you wanting to disconnect at the end of the day. I deal with people all day long 6 days a week. When I come home, I just want to veg at my computer at home and do nothing the rest of the night. I dream of a quiet day which never happens since I live with 3 other people with various schedules. its 24/7 chaos.
NTA but if your job is so draining that you don’t have the energy to enjoy your life, maybe you could change something there.
If you told him to ‘make new friends’ then yes, YTA.
My wife and I are in a similar relationship. Your husband needs to respect your boundaries when you’re burnt out. You’re doing a lot for others as it is.
However it’s important to him that you and he go out to do something together. I think what would help is plan on a date night over the weekend when it works best for you both;
He needs to be supportive and help you decompress though it sounds like he needs some quality time with you.
Meeting with him in the middle will help you both and preserve your relationship while respecting each other. By telling him to make new friends it sounds like you won’t make that effort to connect with him for him to feel close with you and then he’ll Have no choice but to reciprocate that.
INFO: Is there a reasonable compromise you could both be happy with? Maybe 2 nights a week, you get serenity evenings that are quiet and reading books or browsing the web or whatever quiet individual thing you prefer in the same room together while relaxing with whatever your drink of choice is? Being together but explicitly not pressured to interact or be sociable? And then the other 3 weeknights you try for something that is chill but quality time together?
Or maybe you just really need an hour after work to decompress and have zero demands made of you while you have your candles and alone time, and after that you’ll be recovered enough to want to spend time with your husband? I know my mom used to go change out of her work clothes and relax in her bedroom for a while when she got home from work every day, and we weren’t supposed to bother her unless it was important – we were supposed to go to Dad or take care of it ourselves until she came back downstairs.
Both your need for decompression and his need for companionship are valid, important needs. So you need to find a way to balance them so neither of you feels like your needs are ignored or just a duty to your spouse.
Get a new job and spend time with your husband.yta
Sounds like what’s the point in being married if you don’t want to be around your husband . Either you get a new job and spend time with your husband or get a divorce and stay single YTA
Gentle YTA because he’s kind of right. While I understand your need to decompress (I’m a high school teacher, I get it) it’s weird that you don’t want to spend time with him. For happy, healthy, comfortable partners who love each other, spending time together doesn’t usually feel the same as being social with other people. It usually feels as comfortable as being alone. And while actual alone time is important, there needs to be balance. You should be spending some time alone and some time with him. Time with your spouse shouldn’t feel like a duty. It should be enjoyable. You should look forward to it. It sounds like he’s tried a range of activities to keep you happy and none of them do. So, the real problem, is that you don’t actually want to spend time with HIM. Maybe you don’t actually love him.
NTA for needing some space sometimes but you didn’t discuss it the correct way. I think you know that. You sound pretty burnt out and exhausted . The choices are not either that you are miserable or he is sad.
I think that you guys can do better and find a win win. For you, I recommend you find a way to destress and make a boundary between work life and home life that recharges you. I totally understand getting fried from humans and working from home, but your husband is also valid in wanting to spend time with you doing pleasurable things.
It sounds to me like you need to recharge and create energy after working all day at home. So how can you recharge yourself and give yourself the decompression you need? If you need to be in the quiet with candles and silence then book it right after work.Lock the door and do it for half an hour. Give yourself what you need. Other rituals might be nap and then a shower at the end of your workday. Go for a run or a jog or the gym or something else that gives you pleasure and recharges you. A weekly therapy appt, seeing pals once a week. Whatever it is, I recommend that it gives you pleasure. In my mind something that involves leaving the house and moving around to creates a threshold and gives my body some joy. Make this a clear boundary with your spouse, and be clear to ask for what you need
All that said, I dated someone who is completely dependent on me and never thought I should see my friends alone. He did not make friends of his own because he thought we should do everything together as a couple. We did not last long. I definitely don’t think that kind of relationship is healthy. Here I can’t really tell whether your husband is being needy and lacking boundaries or whether you are needing some work on taking care of yourself so you feel less burnt out. You can’t change him, you can only change yourself. No matter what creating self care will be helpful for you.
If you are less stressed, maybe you can enjoy your marriage more. So work on the stress, and being more clear with stating your needs. Then, if you do enjoy your partner, you can get back to enjoying your partner without feeling overwhelmed. The larger issue is if this job is burning you out and stopping your joy in life , or you hate working from home? Maybe you need to take steps to do something else. Do you feel trapped and depressed about your prospects? That might be a larger conversation to have and goal to make. . I don’t know how your guys’ communication is but it would be something to work on. It sounds like you both are feeling fairly reactive right now. Maybe there’s a way to get to a more constructive conversation.
Sending you some (silent) light!
What you’re asking him to do is not really what you want, I promise. When he start hanging out with new friends and getting to know other people, you will come to find out you might get jealous of that… especially if he start emotionally cheating..
Sounds like you are neglecting your relationship, although I do understand because it’s a two house income and not like you’re just staying home and have loads of extra energy. I would say try to find a balance.
You’re telling him to go find new friends but you have to remember you’re not his friend, you’re his wife. If anything, tell him to go find a new wife…
He can’t connect with friends how he can connect with you, without cheating..
Me for example, sometimes I want to just be with my man and I want his energy and to be in his arms. sometimes I want to hang out with my friends where I just want to chill. What I know is that
my friends and my boyfriend does not provide the same feeling for me.
Well if the friend ends up being a woman, I guess you asked for it.
You’re not an asshole for wanting alone time after work, but your husband won’t be one either when he stops wanting to spend time with you. I wonder who he will start spending time with…
>Let’s watch a movie together, go out together, go for a walk together etc etc.
What an absolute monster. You should divorce him.
Nta I adore my wife and the rare times we get to hang out alone are awesome. We go back to the people we used to be when we met. That said by the end of the day I’m totally peopled out and desperate for personal time
overall i’d say NTA because i get wanting to decompress after a demanding job. but you’ve been together as long as i’ve been alive and the communication should’ve been better. yes it’s great you talked about it but the way you approached it could’ve been different. why not do something in your area with your husband that’ll have other people your age and he can find some guys with similar hobbies. and maybe find things you both like doing together. relationships is about compromise and sometimes you do have to suck it up a little so your partner gets their serotonin but maybe so something you like afterwards. or again, find something with similar interests to both of you
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Okay, I hear what you are saying but he’s your husband and wants to spend time with his wife. It isnt his fault your job is that demanding. Many relationships do fail because one spouse is too busy for the other. If a spouse starts to feel like they are living with a roommate more than a spouse, there’s risk of that partner searching for love somewhere else or divorce. You deserve time alone and to regroup 100%. But you also need to be there for your husband. So if you want things to work out maybe try setting time aside for both of you to do something you both enjoy doing together
I told my husband that and he cheated for literal years. I hope you have better luck than I did. NTA
“Sometimes I just want to be alone. To decompress and not feel obligated to make others happy”
“I want to just be in the quiet with some candles and silence.”
Question 1: Have you told him this? Like, “not today honey, I just want to do the above.”
Question 2: Does husband engage in your hobbies with you? Or just his interests?
Sound like you are an introvert (possibly suffering from burnout) married to a friendless(?) extrovert.
“for 11 years, been together 21”
Don’t understand how this is an issue 21 years in. You should know each other by now and what makes each of you tick. How to take care of each other. And how to give each other a break when one is needed.
I suggest couples’ therapy. And individual therapy for you.
Also, you don’t have to do all those things with him but maybe find a compromise? Movie night at home with candles? Or pick one day a week for date night and you take turns suggesting how to spend it. Rest of the week you each do your preferred activities?
NTA
YTA. You’re literally ignoring the man you pledged your life to because if your job. Either find a compromise or leave so he can find someone who appreciates his love.
Edit:
Making new friends doesn’t replace companionship with the person he loves the most.
NTA but maybe you should get a different job before you burn out and really alienate your husband.
NTA
It’s unreasonable for you to be his only social connection, but I get it. He loves you and wants to spend time with you. Suggest things you’d rather do, or brainstorm things you both like. Like, a proper date night. Dinner, drinks, and such. Also, and this is the big one, let him know that you love him and when you get adequate time to decompress you’ll want to spend more time with him. But maybe not socially draining things on work nights.
NAH
There is a deeper issue here that needs to be addressed. Marital counseling is a good place to start.
OP, I am a huge introvert. Being around people exhausts me. My “me time” consists of art, music, games, or maybe just a quiet walk.
However, my husband does not register on my “I feel over-peopled” scale. I can enjoy my “me time” activities and get the same enjoyment with him vs doing them alone.
The two of you need to spend time reconnecting without resentment.
Also, how long has it been since you have taken vacation from work? You sound really burnt out.
NTA. Needing alone time doesn’t mean you don’t love him. You’re not rejecting him, you’re asking for space to recharge. A healthy relationship includes individual boundaries. He needs to understand it’s about balance, not rejection. Just ensure that you are balancing your alone time, and also maintain your lively relationship with your husband while you’re up to it.
Is there anything you can do about your demanding job?
NTA. He is too dependent on you. Pouting is so annoying.
Yta
I get that your current job is draining, but this is your marriage. You’ve signed up to grow old with this man. Youre damaging your marriage due to your job.
The hurtful words you said are only true when you’re emotionally exhausted from work. When you’re fully rested you love him and love spending time with him.
You need to approach this with the realization that your exhaustion is the problem. Actively look for a sideways step at work so that some of your days are not customer facing. Make it a serious goal.
The solution is not “continue being too emotionally exhausted to be a loving spouse” Remember your long term goals – these all include a loving husband right?
You’ve done some real damage. That happens when we have no emotional energy, so I’m not trying to beat you up about it, but you now need to focus on repairing that damage then address the root cause.
You both need to figure out how to deal with this now before y’all retire, lol. It gets ten times worse after that if one of you doesn’t have any kind of social circle of their own. He won’t understand why all of your friends can’t just be his friends, too, and why he can’t do everything with you all the time. It’s great to have mutual friends. But you both also need your own time with your own friends. You also both need your own solo time once in a while, even when you no longer have a job you need to decompress from.
NAH, but you two need to take a step back and really talk. You need to come up with a compromise where you can satisfy your need to decompress and his need to spend time with you. I also think you need to discuss activities and hobbies you like as well as what he likes. I don’t see you offering alternate things to do.
with your attitude, I am sure he will go find a new friend to have fun.
NTA but you probably need to get another job. Lovers need time away from each other, no matter how in love they are. Yes, you should be there for your husband and spend time for him, but he does need to find some guy friends.
Take an hour bubble bath every night after clocking out. You’ll get solo time.
This is the upside to having a work commute, you can have that time for yourself – music, podcasts, chatting on the phone with someone not under your roof, or complete silence (weird to me, but some have demandingly brutal professions).
Honestly, you could also find your own hobby outside for an hour after work too.