TLDR at the end
My husband (m36) is the breadwinner, while I (f22) am the primary caregiver of the children (3yo&11mo) as well as the “household manager” (I cook, clean, manage household affairs like doc appointments, lists of groceries or items that need repair, laundry and clothes for kids that kinda thing).
He’s head of sales at his own startup, although he doesn’t manage the startup himself anymore( he is one of the 5 founders) due to a big growth spurt. He does still manage the sales department (4employees). He leaves around 9am, some days later depending on his mood, and comes home at 5pm. I’m not going to say that his work can’t be exhausting, I’m sure it is.
The house is currently a mess as I didn’t do the typical Wednesday deep clean and laundry since the kids and I were sick ( a clean which I’m meticulous about, for my own mental health I can’t live in a dirty/ messy space for long, although I recognise that it’s not always possible due to circumstances like sick kids)
Both are coughing, both were tired and cranky, and the youngest had also developed an eye infection that needed treatment.
I typically catch up on Saturdays while he takes the kids (not without putting up a fight and complaining but still, he takes em)
He’s complained about that plenty starting Wednesday wich in turn caused some fights again between us.
In previous fights he kept saying that it is not that hard or time consuming taking care of the household (including while watching kids) and that it’s embarrassing that I couldn’t do it, that I’ve failed as a women.
Now I’m not upset by these statements as I find them pretty laughable.
After we’ve had a couple of hours to calm down I calmly went up to him and told him that if he thinks it’s that easy that he gets to take this Saturday to clean, he’s even got all day and I’ll head out with the kids. (I didn’t ask him if he wants to do it)
I’m frustrated that it’s always my time with the kids that is sacrificed to clean up after everyone, especially him, so part of me really wants to show him that it isn’t fair having to pick up after another person all the time.
He got incredibly upset and angry when I said that, and claimed that I’m being unfair to him and his time, and that I’m unappreciative of the work he does for the family (I’m not, I go out of my way to tell him too, it is a privilege to stay home with the kids for this long and live comfortably as we do, and him taking out the trash saves me trips up and down the stairs).
He reiterated his previous statements/ comments that I’m not doing enough and it’s embarrassing.
TLDR: I’m being petty and taking my husband up on an offer to clean the house while I take the kids out for a day; he thinks I’m being inconsiderate and unfair. AITA?
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TLDR at the end
My husband (m36) is the breadwinner, while I (f22) am the primary caregiver of the children (3yo&11mo) as well as the “household manager” (I cook, clean, manage household affairs like doc appointments, lists of groceries or items that need repair, laundry and clothes for kids that kinda thing).
He’s head of sales at his own startup, although he doesn’t manage the startup himself anymore( he is one of the 5 founders) due to a big growth spurt. He does still manage the sales department (4employees). He leaves around 9am, some days later depending on his mood, and comes home at 5pm. I’m not going to say that his work can’t be exhausting, I’m sure it is.
The house is currently a mess as I didn’t do the typical Wednesday deep clean and laundry since the kids and I were sick ( a clean which I’m meticulous about, for my own mental health I can’t live in a dirty/ messy space for long, although I recognise that it’s not always possible due to circumstances like sick kids)
Both are coughing, both were tired and cranky, and the youngest had also developed an eye infection that needed treatment.
I typically catch up on Saturdays while he takes the kids (not without putting up a fight and complaining but still, he takes em)
He’s complained about that plenty starting Wednesday wich in turn caused some fights again between us.
In previous fights he kept saying that it is not that hard or time consuming taking care of the household (including while watching kids) and that it’s embarrassing that I couldn’t do it, that I’ve failed as a women.
Now I’m not upset by these statements as I find them pretty laughable.
After we’ve had a couple of hours to calm down I calmly went up to him and told him that if he thinks it’s that easy that he gets to take this Saturday to clean, he’s even got all day and I’ll head out with the kids. (I didn’t ask him if he wants to do it)
I’m frustrated that it’s always my time with the kids that is sacrificed to clean up after everyone, especially him, so part of me really wants to show him that it isn’t fair having to pick up after another person all the time.
He got incredibly upset and angry when I said that, and claimed that I’m being unfair to him and his time, and that I’m unappreciative of the work he does for the family (I’m not, I go out of my way to tell him too, it is a privilege to stay home with the kids for this long and live comfortably as we do, and him taking out the trash saves me trips up and down the stairs).
He reiterated his previous statements/ comments that I’m not doing enough and it’s embarrassing.
TLDR: I’m being petty and taking my husband up on an offer to clean the house while I take the kids out for a day; he thinks I’m being inconsiderate and unfair. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1)I’m being petty by telling him to stay and clean 2) I didn’t ask him if I could take him up on his offer that he made earlier that week
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Girl, you’re running a whole daycare and managing a household while sick.. if he wants a spotless house, he can either help out or hire a cleaner instead of complaining like a third child.
jeepers that’s an icky age gap if you have a a 3yo :O NTA . he sounds like a proper jerk
Please tell me this is a rage bait. Judging from the kiddos’ ages does it mean that this 32 yr old ass man locked you down with a kid when you were barely 18?
NTA obviously but start working on your escape plan if needed – online courses, part time job? A man CANNOT be your retirement plan.
Back to the post – he has a one full time job, you have two – child care and housechores and you work much longer than your typical 8 hours work day. OF COURSE he should participate at house chores and child care(not just a fun part of playing with kiddos) – there you have it. You have not failed as a woman, he has failed as a partner.
NTA. He’s not even acting like he likes you. You are pretty pot committed to this relationship, but those things he’s saying to you about being an embarrassment or not a good woman are toxic and disgusting. Tell him to stop. See if he does. If not maybe, maybe just don’t throw good years after bad.
NTA. He’s 14 years older than you but acts like he’s 14 years younger.
If he leaves at 9 or later if he feels like it, returns at 9, probably has a lunch break, his work isn’t exactly super taxing. It can be high stress, but I bet it’s not as high stress as a toddler and a baby.
Let him find out and update us.
NTA But… “failed as a woman” … ick
Why is it always a +10 year age gap relationships where the man is quite clearly immature as hell? How much time do you have to be in relationship before you figure out someone’s a complete dingus? A 32ish year old going after an 18/19 year old is creepy as hell. He was almost twice your age.
NTA, obviously
So when your first kid was born he was in his mid-thirties and you were a literal teenager. Big surprise he doesn’t like it when you don’t do what you’re told – you weren’t supposed to have opinions, that’s why he chose someone so young and trapped you before you were old enough to figure out what a total creep he was
As you get older and start to understand how exploitative this relationship is and that it was exploitative on purpose you’re going to end up hating this man
This is why men pick that age gap. So he can treat you terribly and still have you doubt yourself.
NTA, but I genuinely hope you leave him.
Are we not gonna talk about the fact you had your eldest when you were 19 years old, and he was 33??? How did you two meet? Where are your parents in all this?
You seem like a relatively healthy and reasonable young woman, very self assured, but I’m still very worried that you’ve found yourself in a deeply unequal and unhealthy relationship with a narcissistic abuser who preyed on your youth to get what he wanted:
A house slave and baby machine, and a punching bag, all for his ego.
I’m gonna be clear, not all age gap relationships are inherently unhealthy. Gaps in age, maturity, and experience, can be bridged through honest healthy communication. That’s not what you have. You’ve tried to healthily communicate your needs and the reality of the situation, he has responded by treating you like dirt.
Everything I’ve read here screams “Unrepentant Unsalvageable Misogynist”, you should get out of that marriage ASAP, otherwise this will only escalate if you let this go. And your children will grow up thinking this is okay, making any daughters you have prone to finding themselves in similarly unsafe situations, and any sons you have prone to becoming this kind of monster.
I hope you’re safe and have somewhere to go. I hope this turns out okay. I’d also prefer if I was wrong, but better safe than sorry.
NTA. Your husband wanted a woman who he could control and mold into what he wanted. So he picked a teenager and love bombed her and got her pregnant. He doesn’t want an equal partner. He wants a woman he can control who will do everything he wants. You deserve better.
NTA. He’s the embarrassment. Oh boo hoo. I work less than 40 hours a week and I still have to be a parent for a couple of hours on a Saturday? Oh the unreasonable horror!
Ewwwww had a child at 19 possible pregnant at 18 by a 33 year old 🤢
Ok I know this isn’t the topic at hand but yall had a baby when you were 19 and he was 33? Unless he’s not the biological father? I know you were young so you maybe you didn’t see it then but that was the first major (MAJOR) red flag. I’m sorry but a 33 year old man interested in a 19 year old girl was never bound to work out. He’s a creep. NTA
NTA. And I don’t think you went far enough. You should have gone out by yourself.
If it’s so easy, he should be able to clean AND watch the children, right?
He fails as a husband.
Nta
The fact that he got you pregnant at 19 scares me. This man is giving all the red flags. Anyone who gets mad at you while sick isn’t a good person
Personally I would consult a lawyer & find out my rights & obligations if a divorce were to happen & budget if it’s possible to survive without him – cuz it sure sounds like his misogyny & despicable, demoralizing attitude will create an eventual divorce.
Hey I have dated older guys but unfortunately I feel like you aren’t aware that he’s not a great partner because of your lack of dating as an adult. No offence just pointing out you can do better & have a partner instead of a dictator
Please explore your options so you know alternatives & can prepare just in case
NTA – I‘d divorce my husband like that second if he‘d tell me I „failed as a women“ lol.
In my opinion being a stay at home partner is a job. You work while the other partner is at his work and as soon as you both are home, you share responsibilities. He is a father just as much as you are a mother. If he wants a housemaid, he should hire one.
Edit: didn’t even realise how much older he is… ick. Hope this is rage bait.
NTA
You need to really address the not doing enough comment. Maybe start out by listing all the tasks. How long they take, when they need to happen, how often they happen.l and how much it would cost if you outsourced it. Add in his contribution of going to work 5 days a week and bringing in x money. Then have a chat – what his reaction ?
NTA!!
I am hoping this is made up! I can’t believe your parents thought this was a good idea to allow you to date a 33 year old when you were 17. Doing the math you had your 3 year old at 18.
Please find a job and get an education. This is going to get worse as time goes on if he is berating you now. My guess is he is visiting a side piece on Saturday when taking the kids out. That is why he is so angry that you want him to stay home and clean. If he is not then apparently cleaning is degrading work when he lives in a household.
A partner should want to help his sick wife and kids not berate her for failing or wanting to have a little time to herself.
I mean judging by that age gap and his work history I’m gonna assume he focused on work up until he and his founders started to see success?
So likely he’s probably not dated much and/or didn’t give much time to someone if he was dating anyone so isn’t emotionally mature and because he’s been successful he expects his relationship to be about him – trad wife doing all the things and he brings the money.
And that’s why he’s insulted, and acting out – he doesn’t see it as his job. NTA, but there’s a reason he married someone so much younger
You should have him pay someone to do this deep clean on Wednesdays, at the very least. But there’s bigger problems
NTA
Why do some parents think the only thing they have to contribute is a paycheck?
That’s a one way ticket to dying alone in a home.
Dude needs to learn that bringing kids into the world involves cleaning up their messes, knowing their doctor’s names, any allergies, the kid’s eye color, what size clothing they wear, washing their clothing, wiping down walls, ect.
You do not just get to GO TO WORK.
Good on you mom for calling his bluff. If it is SO easy and he’s fine with using your labor and time then he can do it easily and quickly using his labor and time.
———————-
Also you can introduce him to the idea of the “blindsided husband” that doesn’t pay attention to the household. Because should you split up guess what, you’d insist on 50-50 custody and he can learn to care for the kids WITH you or On His Own.
Really? I’m a 71 year old man with a 43 year old wife and a 14 year old son. Been there, bought the coupon, and never got the prize. C’est la vie.
Marriage is always a compromise. You do this, he does that. If he does not do his share, you need (as you did) to call him out.
If he (as you suggest) doesn’t do his share, then you stop doing yours. It may not be pretty, but it will work out.
So, you’re one marriage and two children in, so this isn’t an accident. You signed up for this ridiculous tradwife bullshit, older man and all, so how did you think this was going to go?
If you wanted someone who’d support you in a partnership of equals then you should have chosen that instead of choosing this.
You should choose a better man next time, one who actually wants to be a partner and a parent. Unless you’re happy to be a live in slave on a 24/7 schedule?
NTA, but also he sounds awful
Yea it also isn’t fair that he has to go to work all day to support a family. Don’t even try and tell me she cleans all day and doesn’t have a break. But I guess that’s all a man is good for. Work all day. Come home and do more work. Oh and I guess we should be thankful for the weed wacker we got for our birthday to make yard work easier. I’ll be sure to price out vacuums for mothers day next year.
Perhaps you both need some insight on what each of you do. I would start looking for a job and then split the chores. The kids should have chores as well. If he doesn’t want you to work then he should take the kids while you clean the house on Saturday so you can do your job without distractions like he does his.
Look into the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. There’s even a card set to go with it to help couples visualize the mental load. This age gap is concerning, I’m worried your partner could be controlling. You are not being unreasonable and I’m sorry you are undervalued in your relationship. If it helps, calculate or find an online resource that calculates the value your contribution by being the household manager and childcare source to give him an idea of how much you do technically contribute financially (like how much childcare would cost in your area, meal prep services, cleaning etc). You are not alone and unfortunately this is a very “normal” issue for mothers
At 50.. I’ve learned men like him want to project the image of a successful “family man” to other men. They don’t want to put in the actual work to BE that family guy. Save yourself and your kids, y’all deserve better. NTA, he is.
NTA. Your age gap is concerning because it means you had your first with him while you were 18/19 and he was 32/33? It doesn’t sound like he wanted a partner, it sounds like he wanted a young attractive girl he could trap into keeping house for him.
Aside from the age gap, the way he’s talking to you is also not okay, and not how a supportive husband speaks to his wife. Calling you an embarrassment? Berating you for not having the house spotless while you’re sick? Absolutely not. I know this sub is quick to cry abuse, but this sounds like the start to verbal and financial abuse.
You and the kids were sick, you are allowed time off for sickness. He is basically an asshole that cannot be reasoned with. This is probably why he did well in sales and management. It his job is such a big deal that he can’t help you, get him to pay for a cleaner. You’re his equal not his servant. I have no time for men like this. What’s he going to do if you are so ill you cannot get up or if you have to go in hospital? Maybe you need to go out without him on a Saturday and leave him to it?
This is what happens when 30 year olds groom teenagers.
NTA and proof of how trash men can be. He subscribes to societally induced gender roles and thinks he gets to control your time because you “don’t work” (when in reality your work is constant and unpaid). Housework and childcare should be evenly split, period.
If he’s taking out the trash, he should start with himself.
So you got pregnant at 18 to a 30 yo and now you’re trapped at home with 2 kids and a man who doesn’t appreciate you?
YTA for putting yourself in this position.
Y also TA for taking the kids so he can clean
If its that easy to keep the house clean with the kids around then it shouldn’t be a problem for him to do it while he looks after his kids.
Go out alone. In fact go away for the weekend and leave him to it.
This guy married a babysitter to breed with lolololol
“I married an immature man and now he’s being immature, poor me.”
So he works 9-5? And you… 24/7 because anyone who cared for their kids KNOWS that we barely sleep or shower while watching them.
You are a SAHM, being a mother is your job. The cleaning task needs to be shared or someone hired.
NTAH
I’d be more concerned with his attitude towards you in general.
NTA and there is a huge reason for the age gap. No mature woman would give him the time of day.
And a good husband would be sharing the work every day when he got home for work. That’s how a loving relationship works. You both made this family. You both take care of it.
Unless someone works in a high manual labour job, working outside the home is always easier than keeping the house clean and raising the kids. Arrange a one week “vacation” where you go away by yourself, and he takes off work to run the house and look after the kids. 🧐
Your husband is a walking red flag. Don’t let him continue to shrug off his duties as a husband and a father.
Read the book,
Why does he do that
By Lundy Bancroft
It’s free online and will help you understand him better.
Edit: NTA
I like how a 33 year old grown ass man instead of going to a woman his age went to a 19 to impregnate her not once but twice and kept her home and doesn’t respect her.
Pdf at its finest.
NTA
NTA. The numerous red flags in this post are so brightly and clearly red that I could calibrate the colors of my monitor with them.
NTA – he got off easy. Fair would have been you and him switching schedules for a few months so he’s the one on 24×7 while you do 40 hours/week.
While you are out you should go see a divorce lawyer.
Approach him with a plan for you to go back to work. Put together a spreadsheet of how you will divide chores now that you’re working the same hours as him. Add in options for if he doesn’t want to do those chores (with pricing!) ok, you don’t want to deep clean the house on our weekends, let’s put aside $x for that per week, or per fortnight? We’ll each shop and cook dinner 3 nights per week – oh you don’t want to? Let’s budget in $x per week for you to pick up healthy take away option. Let’s not forget childcare. And I’d quite like house admin to organise the cleaner and gardener and our appointments.