My husband ( 34M) and I (32F) have been married for 5 years. We both work full-time and split bills pretty evenly, but I do tend to spend more on things like skincare, gifts, or going out with friends. Nothing outrageous, and we’re financially comfortable.
Lately, though, he’s started making these comments in front of people like when we’re out with friends or family saying stuff like, ” Well, I’d love to buy that but my wife already drained the bank account on candles and serums,” or “Better not let (my name) near the credit card again.”
Everyone usually laughs, and I force a smile, but it’s honestly starting to wear on me. It makes me feel like I’m being publicly shamed for something we’ve never fought about privately.
I finally told him last weekend, after yet another joke in front of friends, that I really didn’t appreciate those comments and that they made me feel small. He got defensive and said I’m too sensitive, and that everyone knows he’s joking.
Now I’m wondering, AITA for asking him to stop joking about my spending, even though he thinks it’s harmless?
Comments
So… he IS diminishing you and making you feel like a reckless spendthrift.
AND gaslights you.
Powerplay. What stung him lately? Did you get promoted? Are your friends nicer?
NTAH. He isn’t joking AT all. He is making you look irresponsible.
I’d destroy his jokes.
“You are mistaken. It’s not my candles I paid for from my own account which are draining our funds. It’s that sports car of yours/ golf tack… whatever”.
nta. he’s joking. it’s not that deep. but if it does bother you and you have told him than he should stop.
Do you share all your finances?
Maybe just have a joint account where you each contribute to pay your shared bills. Then you each keep the rest of your money and use it as you see fit. Provided you are paying your half of the bills, he doesn’t need to have access or know what you do with the rest of your money.
NTA. Hubby is. And maybe think of possible comebacks to his “jokes” and see how funny he finds that.
You’re not.. You’ve already told him what you feel about his jokes and instead of doing better he chose to gaslight you and invalidate your feelings. He is the asshole.
Obviously he doesn’t mean for it to hurt you and I do believe it is in good faith, but NTA for voicing your concerns. A real conversation in a serious tone should be had, you have the right to voice your concerns and fee comfortable, and stopping the jokes is not that big of a challenge that he couldn’t do it
ESH! once you let him know how you felt about the jokes, he should have let it go. you on the other hand should have said something when it first started, not wait for it to build to some huge thing.
NTA: Tell your insensitive clod of a husband it’s not a joke if you’re not laughing.
If he does it again? Let him know, sternly, you cannot stay with someone who disrespects you. Let him know you’re serious. Maybe that would wake him up.
How would he like it if you said something along the lines of him not being able to provide for his family? I mean, he complains so much about money.
The line: You’re too sensitive? Tell him it’s just code for: I don’t give a shit if you don’t like it.
NTA. My partner used to do this too, and it took multiple conversations for them to realize that just because people laugh doesn’t mean it’s funny. It’s uncomfortable when someone keeps putting their spouse down for a cheap chuckle
Are you spending so much that he’s unable to spend money on things he wants as well? He shouldn’t be joking publicly about your spending, but it might be his way of telling you that you guys need to adjust your budget if he’s avoidant about topics like that
NTA for telling your husband how you feel about him telling your friends about your finances. YTA if there is a reason why your husband feels the need to joke about it in the first place.
I’m curious what other comments or so-called jokes he makes at your expense, or if there are other ways in which he diminishes you? He’s being passive aggressive at best and is deliberately doing this in front of your friends. I’m guessing others laugh, not because it’s funny, but because they are uncomfortable. If he cared about your feelings, he’d stop doing it, rather than getting defensive and calling you “sensitive”.
NTA
NTA and call him out in the same spot.
“I’m spending what I earn. Never remember asking him to pay for my candles and serums.”
Or, if you want the nuclear option: “oh I keep telling him to divorce me so he can afford his hobbies but he’s still here!”
It depends. Have you been blowing the budget on candles and serums?
NTA. No one should belittle their spouse in front of others. It doesn’t matter if it’s a ‘joke’ or not. However, I don’t think he joking; I think he’s trying to tell you that he thinks you spend too much but is too chicken to say it in private. It makes me think that even more since he was defensive about it. However, you shouldn’t have let it ever slide. If he does something you don’t like once, tell him. You don’t have to be ugly about it; you can just say you don’t like it. If this is a problem, I would say, get your own account & just put a certain amount in the joint account then he can’t say anything.
NTA
It’s not a joke if you aren’t finding it funny at all and he needs to stop. Time for a real conversation to let him know how it makes you feel.
He is not joking. He is being passive aggressive and shaming you in front of an audience where he knows you won’t fight back. NTA. You have a husband problem and his behavior is unacceptable. You need to get to the root of things before they get worse, Good luck to you. I suggest counseling.
Honestly if you don’t have kids divorce him. He’s not going to stop until everyone you know and he knows knows all about your business. He’s disrespecting you and spend shaming you for his pleasure. He gets a kick out of embarrassing you. He’s immature and frankly doesn’t have any business being married. You always keep your home life private.
YTA, honestly if it’s to the point of him making these comments. Maybe you’re not a financially stable as you think you are. What’s the split in the relationship? Is it 50/50, and you spend extra on your end, or is more 70/30, and he just doesn’t want to create a fight? Either way if he’s making these jokes and comments it means deep down he is feeling like there’s an issue, and he doesn’t know how to bring it up. You two need to have a legit discussion about finances. Even if you say your stable, that could be one missed check away from issues.
Try this formula if it happens again. ” I feel < angry, embarrassed, insulted > when you < the money issue any other private family issue > because < state the obvious , private onfo , badly hurt.>. You are explaining the entire issue without turning to shaming or meanness. Worked for 38 years of marriage, so far!
If this were my husband I’d flat out say “do you just not like me anymore?” In front of all the chuckle heads feeding into his disrespect.
Although, admittedly I’m more confrontational when I’m being disrespected than most people. But I have found that if you call out the behavior they’re doing to you in public they won’t do it again. I’m not going to keep the peace when I’m actively being disrespected.
And yeah, if he’s saying these kinds of things I’d think he doesn’t like me. Also NTA
NTA. I see 3 options here.
He’s too pissweak to raise what he thinks is a genuine issue in a way you can resolve it like adults.
Or he’s working towards financially controlling you.
or he’s just doing it to be cruel.
Either way he’s the asshole
You could ask him how much a divorce would cost lol
NTA. I would start talking about how jokes are only funny if everyone laughs, and you don’t experience these comments as jokes, but as jabs, so it doesn’t matter if “everyone else” thinks its funny. Most people laughing are laughing awkwardly. Or they’re assholes who also don’t like you very much.
If the two of you need to take a look at your budget to see if it’s in alignment with your long-term goals as a couple, then it’s time to have that conversation, but otherwise, he doesn’t get to comment about your personal spending and you don’t get to comment on his. If he doesn’t have any hobbies, friends, personal interests or self-care practices, then that’s his choice.
If I’m paying half the bills and contributing equally to the family what I do with my disposable income is not my partners business.
Next time he makes a joke at my expense in public I’d just be honest and say, “I contribute equally to our shared finances. I can do whatever I like with my own money. If you want something outside your means you should save up for it”.
NTA and do call him out in public. Honey, I haven’t bought candles in 2 months, can you explain what transaction you’re referring to? Are you alright?
Ok he’s joking, so please explain what is funny.
I might say something to him if it bothers you that much but I’d jump on his little slight and take it further “And my GOD those candles smell good, I have to get more!” Or “And the serum smells like almonds wink wink” that will get a real laugh. Honestly in our friends group we do that all the time, husband may talk about the Amazon packages that come everyday and I jump on and say “ he doesn’t see the ones delivered to work!” None of us are ever offended because we all do it we all buy stuff we don’t need and we all get it. If for some reason that’s really bothering you then you might think about perhaps it’s the tone in which it’s said. If there’s some snark in there and he’s pissed about something else then I get why it offends you, if he’s honestly just joking than you just may be sensitive or you feel guilty this shouldn’t be a thing otherwise
NTA. But definitely give it back to him whenever he says something. Like ” If you have no money, that sounds like a you problem because I don’t touch your money.” ” Baby, did you forget to take your meds again? We don’t comingle our finances remember “
NTA.
If he won’t quit that crap, threaten to embarrass him in front of his friends, and then do it. You shouldn’t have to tell him more than once to knock it off. If you do, feel free to go scorched earth on him.
He’s calling it “a joke” but he wouldn’t even be mentioning it if it wasn’t bothering him. It bothers him. If he’s not footing the bill for your spending, tell him to shut the hell up. Jokes like that in front of friends also undermine your reputation in the friend group. They’ll see you as a wild & ridiculous spender. NTA
It’s disrespectful. You need to tell him, something like this:
“When you make jokes like that in front of our friends and family, it makes me feel small and like you’re trying to squeeze me into the “stupid bimbo wife” stereotype. Is that how you feel about me? I don’t appreciate you continually making those jokes and they need to end today. As your wife, I deserve respect from you in front of other people. If you actually have a problem with my spending habits, you need to bring that up to me so we can discuss it. But as far as I know, that hasn’t been a problem so I’m really not sure why those “jokes” keep getting brought up. Please stop.”
I wouldn’t overthink it at this point let. You told him that he embarrassed you. Now he is embarrassed for being insensitive but not yet willing to own it. His insistence that everyone know he was joking is part of making himself feel less like a jerk for saying it.
Drop it for now. You told him how you feel, the ball is in his court. If he continues to make this type of comment if front of others, call him out in front of others.
Husband NTA
I recommend reading jefferson fisher’s book “the next conversation” to have a good come back. He also has videos on instagram.
NTA, but you should really stop wasting money “on candles and serums”!
A passive aggressive man child lovely, the bills are paid and everything is in order from the joint account, if his not good at managing his own separate finances and can’t afford things of his own that’s his problem, what you do with money in your separate account has nothing to do with him.
You are both assholes all the time. It is just bugging you both right now.
This is a conversation for your husband, not the internet. We don’t know how much you’re spending, how much is in savings, how comfortable your husband is with spending on things that aren’t necessities, etc. If he’s the type of guy with zero hobbies who is frugal and saves every penny then he can’t expect you to be the same way. If he is the type of guy with hobbies, then those cost money too and are a part of self-care so he doesn’t have much of an argument. But either way, he’s upset with what you’re spending money on. You need to talk to him and establish whether you’re tripping or he is. Then you can move forward. This is too vague for strangers online to either defend or debate you.
He is being an AH and disrespectful , but the truth is , these aren’t jokes . Maybe look back six months and see what you have actually spent ( don’t tell) them see if you split expenses evenly . Even if this is the case doing it in front of people is wrong . Tell him
Next time he does that you will
Say something about his performance in bed or his skills at repairs etc
Do you two have an emergency fund? You should have a six months of income (from both of you) set aside incase of illness, accident or some other emergency.
Are you debt/free? If you have maxed out-out credit cards or high interest loans, etc. maybe your husband is feeling insecure financially?
In any case a good heart to heart discussion is in order right away. This could ruin your marriage if you two don’t fix this soon!
NTA. It’s humiliating you
If he has an issue, he can talk to you about it in private
This is just disrespectful
‘I don’t care if everyone knows your joking. I am your wife. I’m asking you to stop embarrassing me in front of our friends. It’s called respect.’ It should be this simple. I stg we shouldn’t have to say stuff like this to our SO for them to understand. And even then! Oh, your too sensitive, stop being uptight, blah blah. 🤦♀️ I’m sorry your husband is a douche bag. Nta.
Work out a budget with a financial advisor and make sure you are saving enough for a comfortable retirement. Then agree on an amount each of you can spend independently, keeping in mind that men usually require less expensive skincare and hair styling than women. Women also have to factor in cost of sanitary products. Men can show up to work in a less expensive “uniform.” Women, in most jobs, are required to elevate their dressing with accessories, matching shoes and more extensive grooming than is required of men to demand the same respect in the workplace. Therefore, adjust her budget to reflect those added expenses.
My husband considered $10,000 for new sails for his boat to be a necessity. I spent a similar amount on a sewing machine that fed my creative self. If he make a comment again, say”I’m surprised you would say that since I always adhere to our mutually agreed upon budget. If you have an issue why don’t we discuss this privately.
He’s insinuating that he’s the “breadwinner” and the “little woman” is just spending his money. Nope. Not funny at all.
I’d straight up counter letting people know everything is split 50/50 and even imply that perhaps he’s mad because he doesn’t make enough to both split the bills and have the disposable income. Something like “awww somebody is jealous he doesn’t make candle/serum money! Maybe you can apply to work with me hubby!”
How much more do you spend on gifts and especially going out with friends? That can really add up. I think he probably has a point, that you spend too much. Although he should not have joked around and criticized you in front of your friends.
Why is it when someone is called out for their bad behavior the other person is to sensitive??
Just take responsibility for being an ass apologies and don’t do it again.
He may be being an asshole, but y’all should have a grown conversation about money and your shared financial goals. He sounds like he passively resents your spending practices and it’s getting in the way of his expectations for your shared future.
Not justifying his behaviour, but y’all are a team and should align your goals. Don’t accept him saying everything is fine. Have the courage to have the fight and assure you’re not going to run before the conversation
Tell him to make jokes about his mama then. And leave you out of it. lol.
NTA.
He clearly has a problem with your spending and rather than speaking to you directly he is commenting about it in front of other people.
Rather than laughing along with everyone else, you should have addressed this the first or second time he did this.
You also should be clearer in your post and comments, because it seems that there’s a lot missing here.
You said in your post that you split the bills ‘pretty evenly’. What does that mean? Is it even? Do you pay more? Does he pay more?
You also said that you spend money on skincare, gifts and going out with friends. Then one of your replies refers to books and coffee. What does HE spend his personal money on?
The biggest problem you have is that you aren’t realising that something is actually wrong here. You confronted him, he said he was joking, you didn’t question it further.
If the skincare / gifts / going out with friends / coffee / books has always been the way you spend, something has happened recently to make your husband worry about your finances. That’s why I asked what he spends his spare money on. Has he possibly had an investment go wrong? Is he contributing more to the bills and has less spare money than you do? Are there renovations needed for your home that can’t be done?
Ask him.
“Dude, who are you buying those candles and serums for cuz it sure isn’t me since I only use my money for them.”
NTA
The others could fall out of their chair laughing, but if it’s not funny to you, then it IS NOT FUNNY! Tell your husband that you are going to tell a “funny” joke about him the next time he does it.
NTA and he’s not joking. He’s complaining and calling it jokes to make himself look better. Look at my irresponsible wife over here. I’m so much better because I don’t (insert activity here ___). He’s being a jackass and you need to call him on it. Ask him exactly why he thinks your friends care what you spend your play money on?
And then if that doesn’t work, get petty and call him out on what HE buys. Two can play this game and if he can “joke” about your spending, you can joke about his. And why is your financial situation anyone’s business? It’s like he needs to show he’s got $$ to his friends and a wife who just spends it.
F him, F that, and F your “friends” for laughing along and encouraging his continued bullshit behavior. He’s a child!!!
NTA
Joking means it is funny. Hurting you isn’t funny.
I think it might be time to both take a deeper look at your (as a couple) spending, abd some introspection about.your relationship, like what event(s) happened before you first noticed these jokes.
NTA. He might be though. Jokes at your partner’s expense should not be common and need to be tactful.
Are you on the same page re:finances?
My fiancee doesn’t take much interest in our finances and that’s where most of our conflict stems from. She doesn’t know when we do/don’t have money. She doesn’t understand our investments very well. When the stock market goes down 3%, she gets disappointed because she sees a red number and that’s her hard earned money going down.
Of course, 3% is inconsequential and will fix itself in the long run, but she doesn’t really get that (she goes along with it when I tell her but she doesn’t care enough to understand). She also wouldn’t know for months if I put all of our money into a penny stock and lost it all tomorrow.
I guess what I’m asking is: did he lose a bunch of money and is he trying to cover it up? Does he have a gambling problem or has he made bad investments? Are you keeping track of your exact spending numbers? Maybe you’re spending more than you think and he has a point.
If you’re correct about your husband being a genuinely good guy, something seems off here. I might be reading into it too much, but if it’s just him being inconsiderate to you… Come on dude!
NTA. Your husband shouldn’t make jokes about you in front of your friends that you’ve asked him not to do, and make you feel bad or look bad.
If he persists it’s because he wants to hurt your feelings.
I am guessing there are two sides to this story.
NTA, just tell him next time you’ll bring up his penis pump collection, as a “joke.”
”jokes” are back-door criticism. It might be time to sit down and codify your respective financial outlooks. Finances are more than just paying bills – it’s how you plan for kids, college, retirement, etc.
If he is a saver/miser and if you are a spender/liver, you have differing outlooks on the future and how to get there. You need to have that conversation.
For example, I grew up ”cockroach poor”. I’m uncomfortable if we don’t have a 1-year emergency fund and 30%+ of my income going to retirement. I know it’s not normal or even rational. But my wife understands. So we make sure a lot of our earnings disappear into various funds (including Acorns, which is tied to spending) before it even hits our account. Once that’s taken care of, I couldn’t care less what she spends the remainder on.
As a consequence, we don’t need separate accounts or even much discussion month-to-month.
What’s the joke? Him? Is he the joke? Is it supposed to be funny that he’s implying you’re financially abusing him and you’re squandering money on ornaments? Ask him to explain what the joke is. Also who are these people laughing? I’d be mortified to hear someone talking in such a crass and disgusting manner. NTA
NTA he’s doing it to feel superior- you equally pay things- next time it happens, you say- I work hard to earn it , why not spend it ? He’s setting it up as if you are a stay at home or he is the main breadwinnner . Shut it down . He makes those comments again, he doesn’t of with you the next time.
Have the two of you had a conversation about when you both would like to retire, how much money you’ll need and what you’ll need to save annually to achieve this goal? If you both acknowledge these figures then it becomes glaringly obvious what expenses are within your budget. Obviously he is wrong for throwing you under the bus publicly, but these petty jabs may be a manifestation of significant underlying worries about both of your futures.
Well MTA… do you spend too much? Has he brought this up in private before?
Keep having calm little conversations with him about making fun of you and how it hurts your feelings. When he says you’re being too sensitive or making too much out of it, let him know, it doesn’t matter. It hurts you. He’s hurting you and you wish he would be more considerate of your feelings regardless of whether He thinks it’s trivial.
He knows it’s not harmless or humorous because you’ve told him so, and you’re the only person who can make that determination. You don’t think it’s funny and you’re experiencing harm.
NTA. He’s not joking, he’s trying to humiliate you.
Get your own accounts for spending money and give yourselves some fun money each month. Eliminates all the concerns about inequality.
NTA. What your husband is telling you is that he doesn’t care, he’s going to keep doing it, and it’s your fault or problem. Think about it.
This is known as passive-aggressive behavior.
Your husband is most likely resentful at you and your spending habits and therefore the bitterness over that comes out in “jokes” but they aren’t really jokes. They are usually true thoughts and feeling that he either doesn’t believe he can openly discuss with you or doesn’t know how to communicate it to you. He mighy even tell himself that he is unbothered by it and tries to be “cool” about it, but inside, it really bothers him.
I’m not saying he is right or that it’s healthy but it sounds like you should have a conversation about your spending and how that is impacting him. The conversation shouldn’t be about the comments, you need to get to the root of the issue.
Maybe he’s not financially stable?
Don’t pretend laugh. Let your friends know he’s being a dick.
INFO: how much are you spending per month on this stuff?
NTA.
“Honey, I need you to listen to me for a second. You intend it to be a joke. But it doesn’t feel like a joke to me. It hurts my heart when you say it. Please don’t make that joke anymore.”
If he gets defensive about THAT, you have an entirely different problem.
No. Everyone thinks he’s joking about a very real issue. NTA
Maybe buy fewer candles and serums?
It’s NOT a joke when it comes at your expense and it’s hurtful and disrespectful. “Jokes” are supposed to be funny for everyone.
I’m sure he wouldn’t find it funny if the tables were turned. They never do. He’s a wannabe financial gatekeeper. NTA
He believes you’re over spending, and his words pack more punch when he says them in front of friends. He’s leveraging for better effect. Split your finances based on your incomes, split up the bills. If you earn less, you pay less. Though you ‘ll also have less savings. This means you’ll have less to spend at your will. I feel my wife spends too freely as well. We don’t split the bills. One big pot of money. I earn more than double as she does. I spend less than 1/4 than she does. I also have hobbies that bring in extra cash. I save it and usually add it to our retirement investments. She brings it no extra cash. Just spends. I am working longer into my 50’s to save extra for retirement. I swear I could retire 3-4 years earlier if she’d spend less. I’ve told her as much. I’m not up for a battle. It is what it is. We’re doing well and will retire comfortably. Although I’d like to retire sooner, I also don’t want to fight over it. Are a lot of women incapable of a budget? Do a lot not listen when their men are truly fed up with working and would like to get out? Do some women get too comfortable in life, where their partner’s income is expected? They’ve earned the right to spend freely and not within a budget? I keep getting money taken off my paycheck. Upping if more and more as the years pass. It goes straight into investing accounts, before it ever comes home.