I (35m) thought I was getting everything I ever wanted with my wife (35f) when we were in our late 20s. I truly love her both when she was thin and now that she’s plus-sized. She became plus-sized during her pregnancy and I was still hot for her.
But she hated her new body, and she felt ugly despite all my compliments. Over the years, she gained more weight and felt worse about herself. More recently, she cheated on me. She had felt so low about herself she wanted to see if men who “didn’t have to love her” would find her sexy. I “didn’t have to love her” because we have a child together, I love her because she’s her. We’re getting a divorce and I wanted the process to be peaceful.
But my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law (57f), were giving me hell because they thought I was this shallow jerk who was leaving his wife because she gained weight during pregnancy. I was confronted by her parents, again, I told them the truth.
Now my in-laws are giving my wife hell and she’s miserable. I don’t want her to be miserable, I just wanted my in-laws off my case. Am I the asshole ?
AITA for telling my in-laws we’re getting divorced because my wife cheated on me since they thought I was leaving her because of her weight ?
r/AITAH
Comments
No, you are not the AH, your wife is though. She lied to her parents about why the marriage ended. Instead of getting the therapy she obviously needs, she CHOSE to cheat.
NTA – they were trashing your character over something that wasn’t even true. You just corrected the record, and the fallout is on her for making those choices.
NTA. Most likely wifey told them that to get the heat off of wife. While not telling them the truth is fair, she can’t make you the bad guy like that or you have a right to defend yourself. My ex cheated on me and I warned her in advance I won’t tell anyone unless you start trashing me, if you do, the truth will come out.
NTA. Has wife try to reconcile
Oh this is tough. An AH, maybe. You have a child together and your going to see your ex in-laws I’m sure. Plus your child will be with them a lot. It was your wife’s responsibility to tell them. You simply could have and should have told them that or wasn’t for her weight gain and they needed to talk to her. It’s important for everyone involved not to put anyone down. Especially with a child.
You defended against lies with the truth!
Not sure this is real. OP has a new account and states they are both f but then uses the pronoun he/him.
Women cheat. Just get another one. No reason to put up with a disrespectful woman. It’s better that everyone knows. Next time she uses the same reason they will know she’s a liar.
NTA in fact if she’s letting people think that or telling people that you should just go ahead and clear it up with a Facebook post. You know, to keep everyone informed. I honestly dont get why anyone cares if someone thinks they’re an asshole for how they treat a cheater. Show them the same kind of respect.
Hmmm I reread and see there’s a kid involved. Still NTA but don’t shame them in public you got kids and you can’t let them see you disrespect their mother. No matter what.
NTA
Did you seriously think your wife would take any accountability?
What a mind fuck, she got big then cheated on you. Usually it’s the other way around
NTA
Hopefully the divorce will not take too long and you can put this all behind you and live a better life.
I hope your stbx gets the help they need so they can be good and healthy at coparenting. They need to make the child more of a priority, a lot more than whether or not random people find them sexy.
NTA – Cheating has consequences. Besides, there’s a good chance she fed them the story.
I don’t understand why you would say anything to them at all. She apparently lied to them about why you were getting divorced & it would have come out eventually. You could have simply said that isn’t the reason. Although, I don’t think you are the AH here, she obviously is.
Oh sweet Jesus she should be thanking you for not sending the evidence to all of her family, friends, and coworkers the second you found out.
NTA. Your wife was willing to make you the villain in order to gain sympathy from people, you just cleared the air and set the story straight. Better to have the truth out there before the narrative she spun becomes the story everyone believes
You’re in a no win situation. You are NTAH.
Honesty is the way to be. Never change that.
NTA- if she chooses lie about you, you have every right to correct that lie. She brought the hell on herself first by cheating then by lying.
NTA. Just tell them factually. I always found my wife attractive and told her so frequently. She cheated on me and I can’t accept that in a realtionship.
NTA Cheaters and liars always get caught eventually.
NTA. They were trashing your character and you just corrected them. I feel bad that she’s struggling with her self esteem but that’s not an excuse to cheat. Hope she gets the therapy she needs and I hope you get the peace you need.
You know darn good and well you’re not the asshole.
NTA
If you ever doubt this, consider the fact that you don’t want the woman who cheated on you to have extra misery via her mom and dad.
You weren’t obligated to let your in-laws believe you to be the bad guy.
NTA. Telling the truth makes her look bad, oh well. She shouldn’t have cheated.
NTA
Let the “hell” be placed where it’s deserved. NTA
NTA- She lied to them to make you the bad guy. She needs help. I also gained a lot of weight over the years, pregnancy and then an injury making me permanently disabled. I gave my SO every opportunity to leave. I was miserable. I am not trying to one-up or compare miseries…different bodies..different experiences. What she did was inexcusable. She hurt you. Betrayed you and then tried to blame you so she didn’t have to take accountability.
100% did the right thing by telling them … however, if you can… tell them to get her some help and support and not beat her further into the ground. She dug herself a hole, they dont need to bring in a backhoe. You dont have to, obviously. Anger or rage is absolutely valid.
Some of us can dig our way out…some can’t.
I wish you healing sir.
NTA! 💜🕯💜
NTA – Her parents need to know your wife cheated.
You need to stop worrying about her, she killed the marriage.
They accused you of something you didn’t do and set them straight. If she is miserable, it is due to her own actions. Not your fault. Going forward put your focus on what is best for your kids.
Nta
Your soon to be ex could have headed it all off by not allowing her parents to think it was your fault or that you were shallow. They are probably piling on now because they are embarrassed for blaming you for what she lead them to believe. This is her fault, you were only defending yourself. NTA
NTA. F around, meet find out. I’m so sorry this happened.
NTA.
This is the result of the FAFO your STBX wife pulled.
NTA
nta she’s 35 that’s wayyy too old to be lying to your parents
NTA
Nah, your stbex fucked around and found out. No reason for you to take the heat.
No, you’re not the AH, you’re telling them the truth.
NTA
Your wife needed to be honest with her own parents. Bottom line.
First she cheated on you, and then she lied about you. This is all her. NTA
You better stop making choices based on what makes her happy or not and instead based on what makes you happy and what’s best for your child.
She ruined your child’s peace over this, she is NOT a good person. Stop choosing her happiness over the happiness of a women who loves herself more than her child.
Let her be miserable , stop being a white knight , she. Doesn’t respect you or herself , let her crash and burn
💯NTA! The truth hurts sometimes. She shit the bed now her ass can sleep in it.
She’s quite the gas lighter.
I cheat, I suffer the consequences, but it’s your fault that it’s happening to me.
Truth is seldom the wrong way to go. NTA
NTA she lied and tried to make you look like a shitty person, you only stated the truth.
NTA.
Don’t feel bad about something she created. She’s the one who needs the life lesson.
You told the truth and are on here asking if you’re an asshole lol. What world is that a bad thing? She made her bed, fucked someone else in it and is still laying in it. She earned it. NTA
NTA
Where do you think they got the impression that you left her because of her weight
They got it from her
NTA, the truth is the truth.
NTA The truth is never wrong. Your ex should have shut her parents down when accusing you unjustly. IMO, you were left with no choice. Seems like it wasn’t enough that she cheated on you, but allowing you even more pain by letting you take the fall for ending your marriage. And by showing you as shallow on top of that!
NTA. Your wife cheated, she should be miserable, not your fault. Don’t shoulder her guilt or shield her from her parents.
You were right defending yourself from her parents bile, and whatever vitriol coming her way from them, its between her and them.
Divorce her, there isn’t a valid excuse for cheating, there is, however, communication and therapy before it reaches cheating.
You should love your child because it is your child, not hers. Separate your feelings, do not fall in her trap, as your child will be better off with one truly loving parent than none.
Nta. Never keep the reason for a divorce hidden when its cheating of the other partner. As they will try and spin it to make you look.like the villain.
I’m so sorry. I was really thin and I had two children myself. Suffice to say, I’m obese now. I’m also in therapy for postpartum and we discuss body stuff all the time. I wish she had gone that route. Me and my husband clash all the time because we’re older parents and exhausted. It’s already hard with perfect conditions. My heart breaks for you. Do what you can to take care of yourself. Truth shines in the light. It’ll be the first step to her healing. I’m so sorry. Definitely NTA
NTA, tell the truth and let her suffer the consequences of being a cheater
NTA. She cheated.
Hi, always get out the truth. Cheaters are naturally liars. Never cover for them. NTA. Remember she destroyed the family not you.
NTA.
It’s good that you told her parents the truth so she won’t be able to flip the script and play the victim to a situation she created, because in most cases cheaters never admit to having cheated but blame the failure of the relationship on their other half.
Clue: When your mother in law was berating you, , she could’ve come clean to her and told her the truth and at the least defended you but she didn’t,i don’t think that she would ever have, which also shows that she mostly thinks only about herself and what would make her feel better instead of thinking about your feelings too.
And you may still love her but you can’t protect her from the consequences of her own actions.
Also, a whole lot of people feel insecure about something or the other about themselves but I’m pretty sure cheating isn’t on the top list.
I’m sorry that you’re having to go through a heartbreak like this and for coming off rude but you need to stop seeing her with rose tinted glasses and start loving yourself too.
NTA. Why go with the lie she told them to protect her reputation and destroy yours? Men, there is no nobility in this because women don’t even appreciate it when we do it, and men constantly do it to protect the image of their children’s mothers. I’m saying this as a therapist. The adults involved need to know the truth, because the mothers usually weaponize friends and family against men even and especially when she was the one who was unfaithful because they would rather mess his reputation up than hers and subject herself to the judgement of family and friends. Just keep the kids out of it. They shouldn’t know why from either side.
NTA. Truth sets us free. Your wife had many ways of dealing with challenges related to her body image. She chose the most hurtful way and you’re paying the price for her selfish behavior.
NTA. She was trying to shift blame when it was entirely her own fault.
NTA. She cheated, lied to her folks and got found out. How is you exposing her lies your fault.
NTA. Facts are facts.
Nope
Truth never takes a side. It can stand with you, or it can stand alone.
What a piece of shit woman she is. First she added weight and was so insecure that your compliments weren’t enough for her not to hate herself. And then despite not liking that she gained weight, she refused to do anything about it and kept adding more weight. Then she goes ahead to cheat after all that? And then there is you also defending a cheater everywhere in the comments. What a life and what a family!
NTA. Your wife had a choice – buckle down and make changes so she was happy in her body but instead chose to cheat because I suppose that’s easier and then to top that off makes out your some shallow arsehole leaving her because of the weight- which is why she DECIDED to cheat.